Friday, May 31, 2013

The Best Day of 1999....May 28th!

May 28th, 1999....fourteen years ago.....SIGH!  We welcomed our Lone Ranger, our only son, a big 9 lb. 13 oz. baby boy!  Becoming a mother changed my life, and with each child; it changed a little more.  But none have changed my life like Cal has.  My girls have taught me many many things, and they continue to do so every day.  My boy, the boy I thought I would never have, has taught me how to live life and make it count!   Cal is my only boy and what a boy he is.  He is a boy who has taught me more about life in 14 years than I have learned in all my years combined. A boy who has helped shape his daddy and me and his four sisters into the people we are. A boy who has shown me how to appreciate the little things, the things that we take for granted, to stop and smell the roses and be grateful. A boy who is so simple and yet so complex. A boy who has touched the lives of so many in a beautiful way. A boy who does not know how to lie, who loves unconditionally, who has struggled with the every day things but has accomplished so many things. A boy who defines the meaning of what you see is what you get. A boy who has been crucial in many "heaven on earth" experiences in my life. A boy who loves the beach, his family, mailboxes, trash trucks and Thomas the Tank Engine. A boy who is not so little anymore, who has blonde fuzzy facial hair above his top lip, who got this really deep voice over night, who is almost as tall as I am. A boy who is growing into a wonderful young man, but who will always be my Lone Ranger! Happy Birthday Callahan Leigh Payne! I simply adore you!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Cal-My Special Boy!

I won't ever pretend that having a special needs child is easy.  I will say that, although there have been some tough tough times, he has blessed my life.  I always feel melancholy this time of year....the school year is coming to an kids are another year older which means I'm about to be the mom of a junior, freshman, 7th grader, 4th grader and 1st grader....SIGH!   This is definitely one of the toughest times of the year for me as the mom of a special needs child.  There are always celebrations, awards assemblies, formals, etc.; and Cal never goes.  Mostly he never goes, because he really isn't interested or he doesn't understand it.  For him, it's not a big deal.  But for me.....I'll say it out loud sometimes is.  I wish he would do some typical 8th grade things and celebrate with his typical friends, but it's just too much for him.  Last night was the 8th grade celebration.  Because we knew it would be so long and so much sitting, and Drew had a performance at the exact same time; we opted not to take Cal.  My friend, Sophia (Cal's buddy Adam's mom), text me to let me know that Cal had gotten an award for perfect attendance for all 3 years of middle school.  WOW!  I didn't realize he had not missed a day of school for 3 years!  She also said there were some really sweet pictures of Cal, Adam and their buddy Cole!  That deep melancholy feeling settled itself into my heart.  I kept second guessing and thinking maybe I should have tried to take him, but Sophia confirmed that it was very long and a lot of sitting and even difficult for the typical kids; so I decided we made the right decision....kinda!  As I was reading her text messages, I watched my boy.  He was lying on the ottoman watching Thomas videos, and I know that he is happy....and then my reality sets in again, and I know that is what matters....that he is happy!  It's not about me, it's about him!!  He is happy.  I am blessed to be his mama!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


I am His servant.  I am here to glorify Him.  I am His daughter.   He loves me more than anyone else ever could.  He works for good in my life.  I am thankful that I found Him!!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Faith Growing

I've learned a lot in the last few months!  I've been as surprised as I've ever been by many good ways and in bad ways.  One thing I've known to be true and have experienced first hand is this....God is always there.  He never surprises me, because if I really trust Him; I know His intentions are good.  I wish I was more faithful in so many circumstances that have occurred lately. I'll be honest, I've struggled; but He has brought me back to the place I need to be.  I've wanted to yell, and shake the truth out of people.  I've wanted to hug those hurting, and I've wanted to know WHY?  But I haven't.  I've whispered His name, and have felt the peace only He can provide.  I don't know how things will go, but I know that He will be in the middle.  My Bryna told me a story yesterday...There is a boy in her class at school who is scared of going to church. He told B that he went to a funeral at a church when he was little, and it scared him. Yesterday he overheard B and another classmate talking about church, and he shared this information then. Then an amazing thing happened. He began asking them about church and Jesus. B and the other classmate told him all about Jesus. He asked them how to pray and what to pray for. B said, "you can pray for/about anything, but you always need to remember to say thank you"! B said the boy then asked Jesus into his heart and asked for her and the other classmate to pray for him! AMEN! Kids are so amazing and honest in their faith. They don't put restrictions on God and His good! I hope to be like that when I grow up!  It's easy for me to see that I have a lot of growing to do in my faith.  Thank you God for never leaving me!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day is one of the best days of the year!  I love being celebrated, pampered, loved on a little extra, fed good food, allowed the privilege of doing whatever I choose.  But mostly I love it, because of what it stands for....being mom to these wonderful blessings!  I can barely remember life before them, and I like it that way!!

Thursday, May 9, 2013


It's been a hard day.  Something happened yesterday that I thought would make me feel better, but it didn't.  I feel defeated, hurt and as betrayed as I can ever remember.  I have to claim defeat to a beast that cannot be tamed.  I am ready to give up, and that is what I will do.  Nothing will change, no matter what horrible things occur, so it is time to let them just happen and pray for the safety of all of those impacted.  I simply cannot protect anyone any longer!  I hope they keep fighting, but honestly I think it is in vain.  Nobody will listen...nobody cares....nobody gives a second thought to the dangers involved.  It's been a hard day.