Wednesday, December 31, 2014
I saw my doctor last Friday and my cardiologist on Monday. After they discussed everything, I finally had some results from what sent me to the hospital a few weeks ago. It appears I suffered from a Transient Ischemic Attack aka TIA. Basically it's a mini stroke which resolves itself and leaves no permanent damage. They can be caused by several things. Mine was caused by a piece of plaque that broke off my carotid and traveled to my brain. Yesterday I had a heart catheterization to see if there were any blockages in my heart. Thankfully, my heart looks great! My cardiologist said it was the best heart he had seen all day.:) My blood pressure is crazy low, and they aren't sure what to do about that yet. Most medications they would prescribe lower blood pressure which is definitely not what I need. My vision is still extremely blurred, there is loud ringing in my ears and I am struggling a lot with memory and staying focused; but I'm thankful my not so perfect heart is more perfect than I originally thought. This year, I am diving in to many things I might not normally do; and I am excited about the experiences and adventures ahead. Life is short....live it!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
I lay in my bed most of today, and it was GOOOOOOOD! I enjoyed looking at Pinterest and watching multiple episodes of Property Brothers and Chopped. I was trying to motivate myself to get up and go to the photo shoot that was scheduled for 4:00. Fortunately the weather was quite nice which made it a little easier to get up, showered and ready. It's not that I wasn't looking forward to the shoot, it's just that I was enjoying being lazy. I arrived at the park right at 4:00 and promptly received a text from her....the senior I had never met but was about to photograph. I always get a little nervous shooting people I've never met....even seniors. When you don't know someone, you have NO idea what to expect as far as their demeanor and personality. What I did know was that she was very courteous and polite from our email exchanges. Right away I liked her. She was very gracious and easy going. She reminded me a lot of my Addi. We chatted a bit and made small talk about how the session would go. We walked for a long time to get to where I wanted to start the shoot...stopping along the way to capture an image or 2. Somewhere along the way back, she told me that her dad had passed away last January. When she said this, I felt a big lump form in my throat. I wanted to throw my arms around her and squeeze her tight and tell her "I know how you feel", but I stopped myself. She probably would have thought I was even quirkier than I come off during small talk. We finished the session, and it was such an enjoyable experience for me. I kept looking at her face, wondering if I really "knew how she felt". She seemed so strong. Her dad died when she was a junior in high school. Mine died when I was 38....he got to watch me graduate, walk me down the aisle, meet my wonderful husband, enjoy 4 of his 5 grand babies. We had 38 years together. She had less than half that time. We bid our farewells, and I walked to my car. As soon as I got in, I text Addi to tell her that her friend from school was such a lovely person and reminded me of her. She text me back...."I like her." Then I sat there a minute pondering what had just happened, thinking about her last year after losing her dad; and I kinda wished I had thrown my arms around her and squeezed her tight. I think she probably would have held on and squeezed back, and then tears would come....mine for sure...I don't know about hers. I kinda feel like she would be strong for me instead of me being strong for her. I spent an hour with her, but I felt like I had known her a long time. This time next year, she probably won't remember who I am; but I think I'll hold onto that hour for the rest of my life. And then I cried all the way home.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
I'm coming clean....I'm not a Christmas person. I trudge through the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tonight, CHRISTMAS EVE, I yelled at my daughters. It wasn't because I'm not a Christmas person, or because they did anything wrong; it was because I'm head over heels grieving. I miss my parents. I'm concerned about so many of my loved ones who are dealing with loss too. Christmas Eve is suppose to be spent with my mom and dad, and for the first time in my life; it was spent with neither. I planned on looking at Christmas lights with a warm drink and comfy clothes, and I thought that would mask that empty feeling. It didn't. So tonight, I am definitely not mother of the year. But I am a blessed mother, because my girls each gave me a kiss and accepted my apology.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Been under the weather, not as in a cough (although I've had that), or stuffy nose, or temperature or tummy bug; but as in I can't focus, have blurred vision, a distant (very distant pulse), chest pain, shortness of breath, tingling and numbness in my arm and face. After some odd symptoms and abnormal tests, I spent 2 days in the hospital last week. I was released with no results or information, except....go see your cardiologist. The hospital staff was amazingly kind and helpful, but I came home with nothing more than I entered with except a few more holes in my arms and a huge bill. While Neil was driving me to the ER, I was scared...maybe one of the most scared times I can remember in a long time. My mind was not working right, and I couldn't speak; but I was trying so hard, so so hard to remember the last thing I said to each of my children. I couldn't, and I began to pray...."Lord, give me one more day; so I can see them and write them that letter and tell them goodbye. Lord, let me kiss and hug them one more time. Lord, PLEASE!" And He did, because here I am. When I was being transferred from the ER to a private room, the nurse Jim came in. I immediately recognized him as the same nurse who rolled my mom up to her private room from the ER 10 minutes before she died. Through the tension, he made me feel at ease last week and last spring; but still the tears fell. When I saw the on-call cardiologist, it was Dr. Arora....the same cardiologist who treated my mom back in May. The one who said, "There is nothing we can do for her", but for me...he said, "I think you are going to be just fine". I lay in the hospital the first night barely able to stay awake, my blood pressure was low and my heart beat was faint. So now I am home waiting for my next appointment, hoping there are no more "episodes" and there is nothing seriously wrong; but so thankful for that more than one more day!
Thursday, December 11, 2014
My mom died. Sometimes I think that or say that, and I still can't believe it. I thought all was going pretty well during this season of celebrations, but if I'm very honest; it's a struggle. My girls are struggling, my son is confused and I am struggling. Christmas is not my favorite time of year, it never has been; but I had been sort of looking forward to it until a few weeks ago. Then it and lots of other stuff hit me....it's going to be hard! The good in this, because I've been searching...and God always brings good...is that I'm clinging, leaning and holding fast to His hand. I do feel His presence and sometimes the comfort and joy, in the midst of this pain, is overwhelming! Thank you Jesus for coming for us so long ago. You are my rock!