This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
It was a sleepless night, and although I stayed in bed for 12 hours; I am wore out. There is a lot in my head but so much in my heart, and I am grateful for my Jesus. I know He is here. Sometimes I can't feel Him, but I know He's here. The holidays are upon us, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday ever. I love being with my family, it's my favorite thing. But I must admit that holidays are hard. Grief is such an odd thing. It hits you so hard, and then it may lay quietly in your soul for a while, then it comes back in full swing.....sometimes when you least expect it. During the holidays, it doesn't linger; but it comes out strong, plants its feet and stays for a while. Everyone experiences it differently, but once you've experienced it; it's always there. As time passes, it may get easier; but it never goes away. Grief has hit us hard these past few years, and it has been so so difficult. Watching my children suffer has ripped my heart into a million pieces. I know it will slowly be put back together, but some of those pieces will always be missing leaving holes. I cannot imagine enduring grief without Jesus holding my hand. There would be no hope if I didn't have Him. There would be no joy. Through it all, I know one thing for certain....as much as I am sad, I am grateful as well. A wise man once said that the grief you feel, at the loss of someone, is a result of the love you shared. The more you love, the harder you grieve. I am grateful for the time I had even though it wasn't long enough. I am grateful that Jesus is by my side even when I can't feel Him there. I am grateful for the good He brings in the darkest of times even though some of the dark times were pitch black. I am grateful for the visions I have of those I love in Heaven even though I miss them so much here on earth. I am grateful for the holes in my heart even though they have caused so much pain. The missing pieces mean I had the blessing of loving hard, and I do....I love hard.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Friday, November 6, 2015
In the hardest of times, we reach for Him. In the happiest of times, sometimes we don't. Over the last several years, I have made a conscious effort to wake up and thank God for another day, to give Him the praise and adoration He longs for. Today is one of those days. 10 years ago today I walked out of a church service and was greeted by my best friend with a very solemn look on her face. I just knew she was going to tell me my daddy had died, and I had not been there. Anytime I left my parents' house, I was afraid he would die; and I wouldnt be with him. He was so very ill, and I knew the time was coming. Instead she told me that my beloved Mamaw had died in her sleep. My family and friends knew I was in a fragile state as we waited for what was inevitable with my daddy, so my cousin had called my friend in hopes that she could break the news of my Mamaw's passing to me and catch me when I fell. The strangest thing happened, although I was immediately saddened for my own personal loss; I was filled with joy for Mamaw. My Papaw had passed away in 1990, and she had missed him so much; and I knew she was reunited with him. But mostly I knew she was rejoicing, because she couldn't wait to meet Jesus. My Mamaw was the most faithful person I had ever known. She introduced me to Jesus and told me all about Him, and I knew she couldn't wait to meet Him. I have never felt that inert sadness at her passing, don't misunderstand, I miss her like crazy; but for as long as I could remember she was ready to meet Jesus. On November 6, 2005...she did. The next day, my daddy died in the front room of our house; and I was with him.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
I haven't posted much, but my mind has been full of things to say. I've been waiting until the time was right, and sometimes it seemed right; but I couldn't write. I have so much to be thankful for...oh...and I am. But life is hard right now. It's just really hard. Many things have contributed to this, and honestly I'm just about as overwhelmed as I may have ever been. My Addi is struggling, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, harder than seeing your child hurt. My heart is aching for my mama, sometimes I can't catch my breath when I think about how much I miss her. It's that time of year when those memories of my dad's illness come to the surface. He died 10 years ago this week...10 years without him. The holidays are upon us, and I know there will be celebrating; but there will also be sorrow. I'm already kinda over school and wishing everyone wasn't so busy. My body is failing me, and although that has been the case for the last few years; it has been really hard as of late. I read my Bible a lot and talk to Jesus constantly, and then I just wait.