Thursday, July 28, 2016
I'm in Colorado with my family, and it's been great! It's lovely here, and we've had so much fun together. Our accommodations are fairly roomy, but there's still the issue of waking people up if you try to go in the kitchen to make coffee. I don't wanna wake anyone too early...Paynes need sleep and lots of it. We got up early yesterday to take a train ride, so today is for sleeping in. However...somewhere along the last year...my body has done this weird thing. It has switched things around in me, and now I can barely hold my eyes open past 10 pm and can barely stay asleep past 7:30/8:00. It's so weird and so wrong. Actually I don't mind getting up earlier as long as it's not by an alarm clock. I have enjoyed quiet mornings sipping coffee and meditating on all things big and little. Except our house is currently chaos right now as we are re-doing an addition that was once my closet and the room that held all my creations. My clothes and creations are now scattered about the living and dining rooms. 😳 It makes me crazy, but I know it will be worth it. I'm not sure how so many Paynes ended up with the "not tidy" "not organized" gene from NPayne, but they did. On the flip side, they also ended up with his love and passion for music, so that's a good thing! This morning my eyes popped open for good about 8:25, and I could not make them close; so I got up and snuck out of the condo. I'm currently sitting outside in the not too hot sun and drinking a vanilla latte in a cute little hippie coffee cafe. It's nice to sit and think in an organized peaceful place. I've been thinking a lot...like I do...which sometimes gets me in trouble. I think I may take a break. I don't really know what that means yet, but hopefully I will soon. Life is short, and there has not been enough focus on the good and love people have lately; and it's taking a toll. I'll keep writing, because it's just something I do; but I don't know about anything else yet. I haven't been very good about blogging over the last year or so, but I've been writing. Maybe I'll get back to daily blogging...positive stuff. I can tell you one thing...soul searching in the mountains is a blessing!
Friday, July 8, 2016
I tried to carry on as normally as I could today, but my brain was mush. I got up, said my prayer of thanksgiving for another day, made my coffee....my head hurt and my neck hurt; so I crawled back in bed. I realized quickly that I wouldn't sleep, and I had a lot to do; so I made myself get up. As I sat in the tax office waiting my turn to get tags for one of our cars, I couldn't focus. I found myself being easily irritated by nothing really. Once I was home, I was having a difficult time. I told the kids we were going to the pool after I went to church for the prayer vigil. Even at the prayer vigil, I couldn't focus. I kept trying hard to listen to the words being spoken, but my mind was a fog. I said, "Lord hear our prayers" along with everyone else, but honestly I didn't hear the prayers. Even at the altar, my brain was mush. I found myself thanking God for His goodness, but I couldn't find the words to ask Him to help with the fear and pain. I couldn't focus. We went to the pool, and I found myself sitting there watching them swim and trying to carry on as I normally would; but the tears fell. My eyes were burning with a combination of mascara, sunscreen and tears; and so I went into the bathroom. There in the stall, I sat and talked to God. I told Him what He already knew....that my heart is heavy, that fear is seeping in, that I want to run but to where? I told Him that I didn't know what to pray for, but I was assured that He knew. The world is frightening me, and oddly enough I feel more and more like God is in control. I don't know why things seem so out of control, but I know that He is more heartbroken about the recent shootings than any of us are. I don't like the word, "hate"; and I don't allow it in our house. Cal always asks me, "Why don't we say hate?". I always answer with,"Hate is a strong word to use when we probably mean we really just don't like something." Today I thought a lot about the word "hate" as my mind tried to take in all that has happened recently, and I decided that I do hate a few things....but one thing I really hate the most is HATE! I can honestly say I've never hated a person, and I....like many others....don't understand what drives someone to act purely out of hate. That is a good thing I guess, because if we did understand that; it would be quite scary. We are all different....but we are all the same too; because we are all children of GOD...all of us, every single one. God is love! I just wish we were all love too.