Thinking Out Loud

Missing My Pastor

2012-02-15T23:09:00.002-06:00

It's been almost a year......since my pastor died. This has been a week of "lasts" for many...the last time I talked to Ken.....the last time I saw Ken.....the last words he said to me.....the last time I traded emails with him.....and so on and so on! My church has many ways to honor his memory, and honestly I haven't done any of them. I havent read or written on the memorial blog. I haven't signed up for the memorial bike ride. I haven't done anything.....except cry and pray! I know it's an act of love and respect to honor the memory of someone so loved, but I just don't want to re-live that pain. I don't want to watch people fall apart all over again just when it seems like we're getting it together. I don't want to feel such sadness every time I go into our church. It will get easier AGAIN with time. And then next year around this time....with several rough days in between....I'll feel melancholy again. I am finally getting to a place where I can really be thankful for the lifetime of knowledge that God brought me through Ken in just 5 1/2 years I knew him instead of just being sad that he's not here. God is good....all the time....He is good!

Happy V-Day!

2012-02-14T19:58:00.001-06:00

Today and Every Day...."Do Everything In Love!"

1 Corinthians 16:14

From One Job To The Next

2012-02-08T21:37:00.003-06:00

I kept thinking I was a failure....trying to balance it all out....always being tired.....becoming a little depressed....not getting accomplished what I wanted to.....then I realized.....I'm not a failure.

I'm just spreading myself too thin....but not for long! :)

February 5th.....The Best Day of 2001

2012-02-05T11:08:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to My Sweet Drew Michelle Payne.

The girl who is now 11. She loves unconditionally, she loves hard, and she loves pure. She is a strong person who has a sensitive heart. Her old soul shines through, and her sweet spirit is contagious. Drew is so very sentimental. She just told me, when I commented on how she was growing, that she sometimes wished she was still a little girl....just so her daddy could still pick her up and swing her around. I can't believe she will be in middle school next year, and that my time with her will have to be carefully orchestrated to include more than just homework. If my blink lasts more than a few seconds, she will be a grown woman. So many things to love about Drew.....I could never ever ever tell you them all, but just know that she is a precious gift who I could never live without! I adore her!

WORRY

2012-02-04T09:56:00.005-06:00

As you know, I'm a worrier by nature. It's sort of odd, because I don't really worry about what's going on right now....I worry about what's to come....several months from now or even years from now. I've started that same worrying I did when Cal was in 4th grade.....worrying about how he would do in middle school. Now he's in 7th grade, and I'm worried about where to send him to high school. I've started worrying about how middle school will affect Drew next year. Actually I'm not really worried about it, but honestly I'm just a little saddened by it. Watching Addi go through middle school was really hard. She was fine and did great, made lots of friends, enjoyed her time there; but I did not. I had to adjust to the fact that there are teachers who don't want to talk to you about your child, that there are things that I don't feel are appropriate that occur, that she became a teenager. But ultimately what saddened me was the fact that she started to outgrow the "little girl" things.....she stopped playing Barbies, and school, and American Girl Dolls, and watching PBS, she didn't want to do gymnastics in the front yard or run through the sprinklers anymore. It made me sad. Of course I want my children to grow and thrive, and I know going from one stage to another is part of that; but it seems like time goes by so quickly.....just a few years ago, I was reading her books and singing her songs....wasn't I? It seems like a few years ago, but in reality it was quite a while ago. Addi is growing into a lovely young lady, and I have every confidence that Drew will do the same....but it will be without her Barbies and Webkinz.....SIGH!

"WORSHIP ME ONLY. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns towards Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to Me."

From Jesus Calling Devotional

They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Psalm 112:7

February 19th

2012-01-29T15:43:00.005-06:00

As I was standing in church today singing my favorite hymn...."Come Thou Fount", I was listening intently to each word.....hanging on for dear life. My dad flashed into my mind, and I had a realization at that moment. It happens to me every year around late September through November....I get into a funk. It's the melancholy state where I think about the few months, weeks before he died. Each year, that time of year gets a little easier to get through; but I still get in a funk. I realized today, while singing my favorite hymn and preparing for the normal routine things we do at church this time of year....our Chili Bowl which is today, the Super Bowl sermon that Ken was famous for and which also happened to be the last sermon he preached, that I'm in that same state. It's in preparation for re-living the sadness that I so desperately felt when Pastor Ken died last year. There have already been announcements and talk about different things to do in his memory to remember him and the impact he had on so many lives on the year anniversary of his death. February 19th will be on a Sunday this year, so we will be at church grieving again....or in some cases grieving still. I know, from experience, that it gets easier; but that empty space that was left at the loss doesn't go away. I'm trying to prepare myself for re-living that day, but honestly I know that I can't. There's no way to prepare. Prayer for our church family and Ken's family would be much appreciated!

Come Thou Fount

1. Come, thou Fount of every blessing,   tune my heart to sing thy grace;   streams of mercy, never ceasing,   call for songs of loudest praise.   Teach me some melodious sonnet,   sung by flaming tongues above.   Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,   mount of thy redeeming love.   2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;   hither by thy help I'm come;   and I hope, by thy good pleasure,   safely to arrive at home.   Jesus sought me when a stranger,   wandering from the fold of God;   he, to rescue me from danger,   interposed his precious blood.   3. O to grace how great a debtor   daily I'm constrained to be!   Let thy goodness, like a fetter,   bind my wandering heart to thee.   Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,   prone to leave the God I love;   here's my heart, O take and seal it,   seal it for thy courts above.

DREW

2012-01-28T22:49:00.002-06:00

Drew....she just got a ukulele. She loves it and wants to sleep with it, however she can't. Why you ask? Because it's a ukulele, and it would be uncomfortable to sleep with. Drew....she is almost 11 and almost finished with 5th grade. This makes me sad. Why you ask? Because she will be in middle school next year, and she will soon outgrow her love for Barbies....American Girl dolls....and daddy/daughter dances. Drew.....she's a beautiful person inside and out. This makes me happy. Why you ask? Okay....you wouldn't ask why about that one....any mother would be happy to confess her daughter as beautiful inside and out. Wouldn't you agree?

NPAYNE

2012-01-26T22:09:00.000-06:00

I love my husband.

THE END!

Empty

2012-01-24T22:20:00.003-06:00

There have been many things on my mind lately.....mainly that feeling of confusion. I have a wonderful life and am so blessed and so happy, but.....I find myself feeling very empty a lot of the time. I wasn't sure why, and I kept trying and trying to figure it out. I love my husband, and he loves me....that's not it. I adore my children, and they adore me.....that's not it. I have the best friends in the world....that's not it! I am still adjusting to working, outside of the home, every day and trying to balance life in between....could that be it? I feel bombarded by insignificant details for the major part of my day....could that be it? The busyness, chaos, and crowding of the area that surrounds me wears me out....maybe that's it. I wasn't sure. Then I read this.....

"Let me bless you with My grace and Peace. Open your heart and mind to receive all that I have for you. Do not be ashamed of your emptiness. Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My Peace. It is easy to touch up your outward appearance, to look as if you have it all together. Your attempts to look good can fool most people. But I see straight through you, into the depths of your being. There is no place for pretense in your relationship with Me. Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood. Talk with Me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy. Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths. Remember that your relationship with Me is saturated in grace. Therefore, nothing that you do or don't do can separate you from My Presence." From Jesus Calling Devotional!

Once again, I am not taking the time needed to spend time in my relationship with Jesus. My heart and mind is not completely open to receive....not because I don't want it to be....but because I haven't figured out how to prioritize. I'm tired....I'm just plain tired. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I don't feel like I'm living each moment to its fullest but just getting through the day. I don't want to miss one precious moment with my children....not one moment.

Romans 8:38-39

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Grace

2012-01-22T23:08:00.002-06:00

I am blessed....beyond words....and so are you! We have the grace of God, the love of God, we have God! I know that there are more people, in the world, who don't know God than there are people, in the world, that do know God; but those of us who do know Him....we are blessed! I agree with the fact that people suffer consequences and sometimes we make bad choices and suffer a bad consequence, and sometimes we make more bad choices and suffer more bad consequences. But sometimes we suffer when we haven't made a bad choice, but we still suffer....that's called LIFE! I also know that no matter how "good" we are or how many good choices we make or how many good things we do, we are not good enough. We need God's grace, forgiveness and love.

Romans 3:9-20

No One Is Righteous

⁹ What shall we conclude then? Do we have any advantage? Not at all! For we have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under the power of sin. ¹⁰ As it is written:

“There is no one righteous, not even one;
¹¹ there is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
¹² All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.”^[a]
¹³ “Their throats are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit.”^[b]
“The poison of vipers is on their lips.”^[c]
¹⁴ “Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.”^[d]
¹⁵ “Their feet are swift to shed blood;
¹⁶ ruin and misery mark their ways,
¹⁷ and the way of peace they do not know.”^[e]
¹⁸ “There is no fear of God before their eyes.”^[f]

¹⁹ Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. ²⁰ Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

I know it may sound harsh, and it would definitely sound hopeless if we didn't know about God's grace; but I do....hopefully you do....and we can share this good news, so that more will too!

B-Nut

2012-01-18T22:46:00.001-06:00

It's that time....time for me to take individual photos of each of my children. Time for me to capture their personality in photos. Here's a sneak preview of B-Nut. She was first! Is she not the cutest guitar playing thing you've ever laid eyes on? Why yes she is! More to come soon!

Margaret Grace Jones

2012-01-11T17:22:00.008-06:00

Maggie clapping while sitting on the judge's lap today

when we all clapped as it was announced....."Margaret Grace Jones!"

Lisa and Maggie on the first day I met her.

A glorious thing happened today. Some of my closest most wonderful super-d-duper friends adopted their sweet foster baby Maggie. One and half years ago, they brought her home from the hospital when she was 3 days old. The first time I held her was in church, which was a few days later, and I sobbed....uncontrollably, joyful, wonderful tears. When I saw the look on my friend, Lisa's face, as she walked in holding that baby....I sobbed! Today that same sweet baby and my same sweet friends became an official, legal family. They have been joined in love since that first day, but today it became official. Some of you may remember that last year, before I had a 5 day a week job, Ms. Maggie spent some of her days with Elli and I. Needless to say, we became very attached....see photo below! A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from their case worker. She asked me several questions about Curtis and Lisa and their two biological children, and right before she hung up....she asked me this....."Do you have any hesitations about Maggie becoming their baby?" My answer....."NOT ONE BIT!" Then she said....."Let's get this done!" Again, I sobbed....I know you know this, but I'm sort of a cry baby...deal with it! ;)

Today was the day....to "get this done"! When we walked into the courtroom, along with the few other families waiting to adopt their children, I couldn't help but smile. It was that smile that you just can't get off of your face. The judge and the bailiff were amazing. They were so sweet and inviting and said....anyone could take photos at anytime. The first adoption was one of a 9 1/2 little boy, named Richard, as he stood by the judge listening to his "mom" answer questions; I watched his face. I couldn't help but think how hurtful some of that must have been for him....the "his biological mom relinquished parental rights"....the "no father has ever come forward"....etc. But there he stood proud and tall. When the judge asked Richard if he would like his new last name to be Brewer, she jokingly said....you know we can change it to anything you want! As we all giggled, he remained serious and answered with something like "No ma'am, I want to be a Brewer!" It was a beautiful wonderful event in the life of that boy and his family. I can't even explain the emotion that went through me, and I had never even seen Richard before. When it was Maggie's turn, we all....all 18 of us.....walked up front to approach the judge. The judge took Maggie into her lap as they asked Curtis and Lisa all the legal stuff, and again I smiled.....that uncontrollable, can't quit smiling smile! Then they announced....that Margaret Grace Jones was part of their family "FOREVER AND EVER!" Those were her exact words, and it was like a fairytale....it was my favorite part! It's official, Maggie is now a Jones; and for that I am thankful! I just want to close this post with this....if you're ever cranky, if you're ever contemplating adoption, if you ever need your heart filled up with joy.....go to the Family Courthouse early one morning and sit in on the families who are being granted adoption, you will be so blessed and so glad you did and you will definitely decide to adopt! ;) We got it done!

Lisa announced that the adoption was final today, and she ended her message with this....

For You, O LORD, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands. Psalm 92:4

How appropriate! Praise God!

My Lifelong Friend

2012-01-05T15:50:00.003-06:00

Three years ago today, my lifelong friend nearly lost her life during childbirth. Her son did lose his. She suffered from HELLP Syndrome and as a result a stroke. Her baby boy was born quite prematurely and lived one hour on earth. Shiloh is celebrating his 3rd birthday with Jesus. My friend, Leslie, and her husband, Jeff, are a true example of God using something for good.....Romans 8:28. They are devastated, they are heartbroken, they have been rocked to their core; but they still allow the love and joy that only Christ can provide to fill them completely....and.....it shows. The light shines brightly around them...nearly illuminating wherever they go. They talk openly about their brokenness and their heartache, but they also talk openly about their peace and joy! It's truly inspirational and amazing to be around them for any amount of time and see the good they are doing as they share The Good News through their words and actions. We grieve for their little boys....they lost another son, Chet in 2005; but we find comfort in knowing where they are and who they are with and that someday they will hold them in heaven. No mother should have to bury her children, but they do.

Mothers and Their Children

2012-01-03T20:53:00.003-06:00

Maybe it's because I'm on an abundance of cold medicine or maybe it's because Feb. 19th is approaching or maybe it's because one of my daughter's classmates was murdered on Christmas or maybe it's all of the above; but I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up. I can't stop thinking about my pastor, Ken, who died so suddenly on Feb. 19th last year. I can't get the imagined vision of that family.....all sitting around their Christmas tree....laughing and opening gifts one minute and lying lifeless the next....murdered by the father of their family. I can't stop thinking about the fear and confusion they felt as they saw each person being brutally shot. I asked my daughter what was said at her school about the boy who was murdered, and she told me her first period teacher read them something explaining what happened. That's it???? They didn't pray or have a moment of silence or something more???? I know it's public school, but I felt there needed to be more. I know counselors are available to talk with students as needed......but it doesn't seem like enough. It may have been enough and was probably very appropriate, but I feel like they all moved on without skipping a beat. I could be wrong, and I hope I am. I couldn't help but wonder how Addi felt when she went to that class today and saw his empty seat. When Drew lost a friend, in 2nd grade, to leukemia....it was much different. I thought about it today, and I remembered that Ken called me early on April 1st to tell me that Jayla had died. I knew Drew would take it hard, and I wanted to be the one who told her. Ken knew this and was thoughtful enough to call me before she went to school. I can vividly remember exactly what he said and how his voice sounded....."Lorie, this is Ken. I just wanted to call and let you know that Jayla died this morning! I wanted to call you before Drew left for school!" and his voice quivered. It broke my heart then and it broke my heart today to think about it again. A mother should never have to bury her child....this I believe wholeheartedly....but many have and many will. Pray for those who have!

Resolutions

2011-12-30T10:02:00.002-06:00

Here we go....NYE is approaching which usually means lots of resolutions and desires to "change" something. A few years ago, I decided not to practice any resolution; because I was irritated with myself for never carrying it out. However this year, I think I'm going to try to adopt a resolution and do my best to stick with it. Okay okay...I have to admit that I will be cheating a little, because my resolution will HOPEFULLY be accomplished in the next few weekends. It won't be a year long, or a month long endeavor. Are you ready to hear what it is....hold your breath....it's quite exciting....here we go....I am going to clean my house! :) I know, I know, I know....it's so exciting....I can hear your applause and imagine the excitement on your faces! ;) Don't get me wrong, I clean my house on a regular basis....actually the whole Payne Train cleans our house; BUT....since I've started a job some things have piled up. I am going to "unpile" them....with the help of the family of course. We've already completed much of this and I have a few more closets to clean out, a refrigerator to clean out, and then the big one.....THE GARAGE! This is the most exciting, because I have a little shop next to our garage where I keep my crafty stuff and use to make all the things I would sell. With NPayne's help....lots of his help....we are going to turn that shop into a working studio for my photography business! Again....I see the excitement on your faces and hear the applause! He even bought me some studio lights to use when I need to take photos indoors, which lately has become much more often, with all the newborn sessions I've had! I'll keep the progress posted. You will be amazed!

WOW! It's Christmas Eve!

2011-12-24T22:07:00.002-06:00

We returned home tonight from the Christmas Eve church service followed by dinner and gifts with my mom. When we were walking up to the house, with our hands all full, I saw something on our porch....and I said "Ought oh"....not in a negative kinda way....but in the....well what do we have here kinda way. My response immediately stopped everyone in their tracks waiting to see what I was saying "Ought Oh" about. When I said...."I see a gift on the porch" nodding my head towards it, Drew said...."Mama, that's not an ought oh, that's an oh YEA!" There sitting on our porch was a beautifully wrapped gift made up of 3 individually wrapped gifts. We went inside and emptied our hands, and I started searching the gift for a tag. I found the tag and read it aloud. It said, "The Payne Family - A family who exemplifies the true meaning of Christmas and family!" There was no name signed on the tag. Then I handed out the gifts and let the kids begin to open them. The first gift opened was a train puzzle. I immediately thought these gifts were from someone who knows us pretty well....since they knew Cal loves trains. The next gift opened was a Lego game, and while I was checking that gift out; two of the girls pulled out VISA gift cards. When I saw them, my mouth fell open; and I was completely speechless. NPayne and I locked eyes wide in disbelief....there were FIVE $100 VISA gift cards....$500 in VISA gift cards. At first I thought, we can't accept this kind of gift; but then I thought about how carefully someone had planned this out....trains and five gift cards-one for each child. My brain was a flurry thinking....who would have given us this gift and also thinking about the words on that gift tag. I was overcome with emotion....not just because of the gifts which were so very generous....but mostly because of the kind words expressed on that gift tag. I try so very hard, each holiday season, to keep the focus on the baby....that sweet baby that was given to us so long ago. And tonight when I read the words "a family who exemplifies the true meaning of Christmas", I felt like the effort I make was noted. I thought that maybe someone felt so thankful for the greatest gift of all that they decided to pay it forward in the best way they knew how. I still keep wondering about who left us that gift, and I may never know; but I do know that we will pay it forward too! Thank you Our Heavenly Father for the greatest gift of all....the LIGHT OF THE WORLD!

Luke 2:10-11

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

The Greatest Gift

2011-12-21T09:32:00.005-06:00

This morning, I was startled awake....expecting NPayne to lean over and give me a goodbye kiss as he headed off to work. Instead, I opened my eyes to a distressed look on his face and these words...."Are you going anywhere today?" With one eye open and trying to figure out what he was asking, I think I said...."I don't know!" He asked if he could drive my truck to work, because his car was smoking! "It needs that belt replaced, it won't make it!" is what I heard next. I said, "Okay!" and sent him off to his 30 minute drive to work. As I lay there, I thought about the things I was going to do today, which really was nothing of significance, except just getting the kids out for a bit. I have a few gift cards, and I thought we might go out for lunch; but we can do that next week. I lay in my bed, with the house completely quiet and thought about all I had to be thankful for.....only one more child to buy for....we should be able to cover that....I'm glad my car is working; so he had a way to work....at least we are on vacation, so we aren't stuck with one car while trying to figure out how to get us all where we need to be and how to pay for it. I kept seeing NPayne's distressed face, and I know what is going through his head....he's frustrated and discouraged. It seems like we get two steps up and one BIG step back, but what I know he is most discouraged about is the fact that he hasn't bought me a gift yet and the fact that my birthday is the day after Christmas. He always waits until the last minute....that's how he rolls. I know he's wondering how he is going to buy me something for Christmas and my birthday, how he's going to buy his mom something, how he's going to buy his sister and her beau something. I know it's discouraging when you have plans and they don't turn out the way you wanted....that's happened to me too many times to count this year! What I also know is that I've already received my gift..... the gift of love from my family, the gift of love from my friends and of course the gift of love from my Savior. So NPayne if you're reading this, just know.....I've already opened my gift!

Do Everything In Love

1 Corinthians 16:14

Christmas Spirit

2011-12-20T10:05:00.003-06:00

As I drove my little girls to the movies yesterday, I listened in awe as they talked about Christmas, Santa, Jesus. The excitement that filled the car was overwhelming, and the Christmas spirit shone brightly on their sweet little faces. A few years ago, we simplified Christmas a lot....we have never bought our kids lots of stuff for Christmas....they each get one gift from us. Of course Santa does bring them ONE gift also, and then they get a gift from both of their grandmothers. They get a gift from their cousins and aunts, but NPayne and I do not get them a lot of stuff. We don't need a lot of stuff, and to be quite honest with five kids....five gifts is a lot of stuff already! Anyway...a few years ago, we simplified in our commitments and decorations. We only put up our tree and stockings, we said "No" to many events that would have been fun but also would have been "one more thing on our plate". Since then, we have kept it simple. NPayne, however, always always always puts lights on our house. It's nothing big and fancy, but it looks nice and puts big smiles on the children's faces. This year the weather has been so bad, and we realized that none of our outside lights were working....so....there were no lights. Cal kept asking "Dad, when are you going to put the lights on the house!" I offered to go get some, and then NPayne told me he didn't want to buy any right now; because we had forked out a small fortune on repairing not one but both of our cars in the last two weeks....his Christmas bonus was spent on car repairs and not where it was intended on gifts for the kids. I didn't argue with that, but secretly I was a little sad each time I drove up to our house and saw our lovely Christmas tree all lit up in the window but no lights outside surrounding it. I was mostly sad for the kids....especially Cal. I was disappointed that we had to use the Christmas bonus on car repairs, because that would mean once again a Christmas without funds for me to buy NPayne a nice gift. I always get him something, but it's usually just socks and underwear....I know....I know......you're jealous...contain yourselves! This year, I had big plans; but those are on hold. I had already bought him one gift....not socks and underwear....something nice but not too exciting. My main gift will have to wait...his birthday is in January, so I'm hoping to get it then. Through my discouragement and disappointment, I started thinking about us a few years ago and what we would have done....if we had had to spend this large amount of money on car repairs a few years ago....we would have had nothing left to purchase gifts for anyone or even groceries for our family. I told NPayne and really truly felt thankful that we had the Christmas bonus to use, and that I have taken a "full time" job this year; so that we were able to repair our cars (NPayne's still needs some work, but it runs), purchase our kids gifts, and still have groceries until next payday. I won't lie....our financial situation has been bleak for many years....and we have had a rough time getting by for the last several years...when we gave up the credit cards, we still have to manage our money and budget very carefully, and we don't have a lot in savings but there is a little in savings; I am thankful. I am thankful, thankful that we have a house to live in, that we have cars to drive, food to eat, clothes to wear, coats to wear, water to drink, children to support, money to donate....I am thankful. It may not be a lot, but it's a lot to us; and it's a lot in comparison to so many in the world who don't have a house to live in, cars to drive, food to eat, clothes and coats to wear, water to drink, children to support, money to donate. It's a lot....a whole lot. We were driving home from the store on Saturday....the five littles and me....when we drove up to where we could see our house....guess what we saw..... lights sparkling on our house. There weren't as many as NPayne usually puts on, but there they were. He found some in the garage....leftover from a Christmas float he helped with a few years ago, and they were perfect...simple but perfect!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-18T22:31:00.002-06:00

We wish you a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!

This was the back of our Christmas card this year.

I'll post the rest in another post coming soon!

For now, I wish you a blessed time during this very special season!

Enjoy your family!

Enjoy your friends!

Enjoy your life!

And celebrate the greatest gift of all!

Longing For Heaven

2011-12-15T22:16:00.003-06:00

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that I have written about longing for heaven.....not in an "I can't take it anymore and wish I was dead" kinda way....but an "I can't wait to be in the most wondrous place there ever will be with MY SAVIOR surrounded by utmost joy, peace and love" kinda way. I read "Jesus Calling" today, and the devotion was about this very subject. Sarah Young wrote the following:

"Your longing for heaven is good, because it is an extension of your yearning for Me. The hope of heaven is meant to strengthen and encourage you, filling you with wondroud Joy. Many christians have misunderstood this word Hope, believing that it denotes wishful thinking. Nothing could be farther from the truth! As soon as I became your Savior, heaven became your ultimate destination. The phrase hope of heaven highlights the benefits you can enjoy even while remaining on earth. This hope keeps you spiritually alive during dark times of adversity; it brightens your path and heightens your awareness of My Presence. My desire is that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!"

That about sums it up, don't ya think? After I read this today, I thought about it all day. I was driving to do some shopping tonight and I had a huge realization....and I don't mean this to sound boastful or proud or be misconstrued in anyway....but this is what I realized: My life on earth is not perfect, and there are struggles; but my life on earth is wonderful and fulfilling and good. And sometimes when I experience heaven on earth moments, it overwhelms me. So I realized that if my every day life....even amidst the struggles....is this good, then HEAVEN....WOW....I can't even imagine the joy and love I will be surrounded with there. I was overwhelmed by this realization so much so, that I had to pull my car over to compose myself; because I was sobbing with such a joyful heart. WOW....I can only imagine!

Necessity

2011-12-13T21:04:00.003-06:00

The lists are out, the piles are growing, the To Do's are increasing; but I am hitting the ground running! This is the time of year when I have notes on my computer calendar, notes on sticky notes on my desk, notes on my phone, notes in my planner, notes in my purse....tons of notes....so I won't forget anything. The Christmas gifts are nearly all bought, or so I think...but sure enough there will be a some arise that I didn't remember. The Christmas letter is written and waiting to be stuffed in the card in the envelope which are almost all addressed. The baked goods....well....not yet, but that is on the calendar for Thursday! WOOHOO! The donation cash for teacher's gifts and class parties....it's still sitting in my bank account waiting for me to withdraw it. Thank goodness payday is right around the corner. Then I stop and see this....and I remember all these tasks, all these things to do, all these cards and gifts and donations....they are not the necessity!

Christmas Cards

2011-12-08T22:53:00.005-06:00

The Christmas card has arrived....I have begun addressing envelopes and have already written the annual letter! My hand hurts, but it's okay; because I love Christmas cards. I find that ironic, since I don't love Christmas....I like Christmas; but I don't get giddy over it like many do. I do love me some Christmas cards though....send me one with a photo, and I'll save it forever! Now for what else I've been working on.....Pay Close Attention....there is a clue below about the theme of our Christmas card this year!!! ;)

I do love LOVE.....

Memorial and A 6 Year Old Little Boy

2011-12-03T23:08:00.006-06:00

I went to a memorial today, and it was sad. I saw my pastor cry, and it was sad. I saw the family cry, and it was sad. I saw the teachers, I was sitting next to, cry; and it was sad. I saw the 6 year old little boy....who lost his mommy....flipping through a hymnal and drawing throughout the service; and it was sad. Although he didn't seem sad, I was sad for him. I love the perspective of children, and I kept wondering what he was thinking....as the pastor talked about his mother and the life she had led. I wondered if he had the same perspective that my Bryna did when my Lifelong friend lost her newborn baby.....I'll never forget what she said so matter of factly that morning as I cried....she said, "Mommy, why are you crying? He went to be with Jesus!" She never stumbled or wavered...she said as if that's that. It's so true....so true....so why do we cry when someone dies, and we know they are with Jesus? My pastor Ken said it best.....the sadder you are, the more you loved! It's natural to be sad, because you loved someone or they meant something to you or they meant something to someone you love.....I didn't know the woman who died very well, but I know her 6 year old little boy; and that's why I was sad! All the while, I hope he will continue to color and play and think...."Why are you crying? She went to be with Jesus!"

THE TRE and CAL and THE OTHER MAN!

2011-11-29T17:03:00.003-06:00

My son, Cal, has been asking if we could ride the train for about 3 months now. NPayne took him on a train ride back in May with his two best friends to celebrate his birthday. However, it turned out not to be a celebration. Although Cal LOVES the train....for some reason on this particular day in May.....he did not. It wasn't until they were on the TRE, and it was in motion; that he began to have a full blown panic attack complete with screaming hysterically for the first 30 minutes of the ride. If you have ever ridden the TRE, this is how it works usually.....you ride one way (30 minutes), either get off or hang out on the train (30 minutes), ride the other way back (30 minutes)....so yes....that's an hour and a half. NPayne decided the TRE wasn't going to happen again for quite a while. With a child with autism, unpredictability is part of the deal. Sometimes, things that he normally loves and has loved, make him completely nuts. Other times, things he normally can't stand, he deals with just fine. He has made so much progress with communicating this to us, but every now and then; we are fooled...for lack of a better word....into thinking all will be okay when in fact it won't. After much discussion over the last week, NPayne told Cal we would ride the train this past Saturday. With Cal, you also have to be very specific, because if he has something in his head; and it's different than what you had planned....it is almost guaranteed disaster. So Saturday we prepped him all day by telling him that we would ride the TRE not the diesel (that is at the station down the street). He was fine with it and asked what time we would ride and what time we would be finished.....like he always does. Although he had been asking to ride the train with his sisters for the last few months, he kept saying that he didn't want them to ride on Saturday. NPayne told him if he wanted to ride, the girls were riding too. Cal agreed to all we had prepped him for and off we went. We got there, and he started to get a little upset; we quickly gave him an out and told him we could go home. He declined and got really excited when he saw the train coming. We all climbed on and found our seats....the girls with me....and NPayne and Cal right behind us. The train was not crowded at all, there was a guy with a bicycle, a woman, and another man in our car. The train started, and a few seconds in, so did Cal's anxiety. He began to scream and cry as loud as he could that he wanted to get off and didn't like the train. NPayne tried to console him, and I tried to console him with absolutely no luck. The conductor and the 3 passengers obviously noticed his horror and looked a little concerned, but then they seemed to dismiss it.....all except one man. He started asking questions and even came and sat by NPayne and Cal to see what was up. When NPayne told him they were fine, he moved back to his seat across from them and began to cover his ears as Cal continued to scream. I heard the man mumbling a few things, and then I looked at him. When I looked at him, I knew immediately.....he too was autistic. After about 15 minutes of Cal screaming with no end in sight, the man approached me and asked me if I thought Cal might like to ride the train downtown to the Neiman Marcus parade. I explained that Cal didn't like parades, and then he asked me if he liked trains. I told him that yes he did like trains but apparently today he wasn't in the mood for a train ride. The man told me that he rode the train every day to his house, and that if Cal didn't quit screaming they would call the police on him. I smiled at him and assured him that the police wouldn't be called. I found myself consoling this grown man and assuring him that Cal would be okay once we were off the train. It was sort of like an out of body experience....explaining to a full grown man, who seemed to have the mind set of a young child....that my boy...who was clearly driving him a little insane with his screaming would be okay. I couldn't help but wonder if the man had once felt the same as Cal and was able to finally adapt to riding the train every day. The girls and I ended up moving to a different car, to see if that would help Cal calm down, since he appeared to be upset that we were all riding the train. After a bit, he did calm down. I'm not sure if it was because we moved or because he got distracted, while we were sitting on the train at the depot, and he was watching the diesel trains pass by. Nonetheless the last hour of the train ride was quiet....even when the train filled up completely at one stop....Cal remained quiet. What set him off...we still don't know...and never will. It's part of life with a child with autism....never knowing....expecting the unexpected....being pushed into uncomfortable territory as he screams and yells in a place that you can't leave...and then calming down (that has just started happening in recent years, and for this coping skill....we are very thankful).

EMBRACE

2011-11-26T14:53:00.004-06:00

This is me....I just took this photo. Most women I know...maybe not all....but most have many things about themselves they wish they could change.

After some thought about this, I've decided to embrace some of these things about myself like....

-my naturally uncontrollable curly hair

-the wrinkles that are becoming more frequent and dominating my face

-the chin that use to be single and is now starting to date another chin....hence leaving me with 2 chins, hopefully they won't marry and reproduce.... I don't want anymore chins.

-the eyebrows and lips that are too thin

-the hips and waist that are not thin enough

-the teeth that are not very white

-the painful joints and back that goes with having arthritis

-the varicose and spider veins....WAIT A MINUTE....I will not embrace those. As soon as I can afford to, I will have those repaired.

I think it's okay to try to improve the things about myself that I don't like, but I just want to remember that God created me perfectly; and He loves me no matter how many wrinkles, chins, veins, etc. I have. It looks like I will start an exercise program and be visiting my rheumatologist soon! UGH!

Christmas Card

2011-11-24T01:36:00.001-06:00

Yesterday we took family photos for our Christmas card. See the post below for one of my favorites. That one won't be used on the Christmas card, because well....then it wouldn't be a surprise. If you know me, you know that I love making Christmas cards....I don't get overly excited about much else at Christmas....but I love making the cards. A few years ago, I started with the "theme" tradition. I choose a scriptural theme and run with it....using it in my card and on my letter.....you know to remind folks that Christmas is about Jesus. I usually think of a theme a long time before it's even cool outside and sort of let it evolve in my head, then I tell my family...."Hey, we are doing this for the Christmas card this year; so let's go take some photos!" And they know I'm neurotic about it and happily oblige me. Yesterday they did a great job with my props and plans, and we were done shooting 206 photos in approximately 30 minutes. They are well trained! ;) Today when I sat down to start creating it, I had the "theme" and photos all planned out. I left Addi in charge of finishing up the card for me today while I went to shoot photos of another lovely family. When I came home, I saw the card; and she did an amazing job. I so love creating Christmas cards....and I think Addi does too. Below is our card from last year....can you guess the theme!

FAMILY PHOTOS

2011-11-24T01:11:00.001-06:00

Mission Trip

2011-11-20T13:40:00.003-06:00

As I sat in church this morning and looked around, I noticed attendance was lower than usual. It could be because of the holiday, it could be because of the stomach bug that has been going around, it could be because of the tournaments and playoff games going on; but I think much of it was because there were a slew of youth and adults serving at the Mini Mission Trip. This is the second annual Mini Mission Trip that our youth director, NPayne and many other adults organize to serve others during this week of thankfulness. It's referred to as the "MINI" Mission Trip, because our usual mission trips are a week long. This one is from Saturday and lasts through Monday night. The youth and adults find people, in our area, that need some help; and they help them. They begin their day with worship and breakfast, then they head out to work throughout the day....eating their sack lunch on site. They return to church that evening for dinner and a fun time for fellowship. Then they sleep on the gym floor or in The Hub (the youth hang out) until the next morning when they start all over. Since NPayne is instrumental in planning this, I happen to know a few of the projects they will be working on over these next few days: building two wheel chair ramps at our sister church...Heritage, replacing some windows and doors for some folks who need some help with upkeep of their home, many minor repairs for a single mom of four, and painting a house for an elderly couple, and that's just a few of their projects. It's a lot of work for this group to accomplish in a few days, but it's work with a reward....the reward of knowing that they are doing as they are called and being the hands and feet of our sweet Jesus! What a blessing they will be to those they serve and how blessed they will be when they see how a little work has made the difference in the life of someone. Thank God for Mini Mission!

LOVE....AND DON'T LOVE!

2011-11-15T22:31:00.002-06:00

I LOVE:

babies

children

adults

my family

Jesus

my church

serving

my friends

my pets

my co-workers

living in the USA

LOVE

I love LOVE! Hmmmm.....that gives me a great idea for a Christmas card!

I'm A Teacher

2011-11-13T23:31:00.002-06:00

I found out that a boy, that I had in my Transitional Kindergarten class many years ago, has a brain tumor. Today during my Sunday School prayer time, one of my dear friends asked for prayers for him. When she said his name, I said out loud to myself...."I had him in TK!" I couldn't believe this sweet little boy who is now a teenager was having a brain tumor surgically removed tomorrow. I have thought about him all day and tonight I found myself wondering what happened to all of the kids I have taught over the years. Some of them are my friends on Facebook....a little weird to see them all grown up, in college, or married with families of their own; and some of them still send me Christmas cards. But most of them I wonder about. I have never found myself wondering in a negative light until tonight.....after the news of the brain tumor. When I thought about a particular student, it was usually to tell a story about something that happened or to laugh with NPayne about something that he would remember.....but not wondering if they were alive and well....I just assumed that. Now I can't help but wonder if they are all alive and well....I just wonder. I also found myself wondering if the school year they spent with me had any impact on them. I would like to hope that, at least one of my previous students, might say something like...."Mrs. Payne is the reason I love school!" or "Mrs. Payne taught me how to read!" or "Mrs. Payne was the best square dancer around!"..... that's another blog post waiting to happen. I wonder what teachers my children will remember. I know which of their teachers I will remember, and I hope they realize how much time and effort and determination and creativity goes into being a teacher. I hope they realize that those teachers that made the positive impact....those teachers truly loved them. I know I have loved so many, and I will go to bed with thoughts of them tonight. Please pray for Mitchell's brain surgery tomorrow!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas...already?

2011-11-11T16:48:00.002-06:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year....or so they say! I am not a huge lover of Christmas....the materialistic, over indulgent, over planning, kind of way; and it really use to bother me when people jumped the gun and went straight from Halloween to Christmas. But that's because Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday....besides our birthdays! I've decided to let that whole "already decorating and listening to Christmas music" thing go, and just embrace the holidays as best I can. Living right in the middle of "The Christmas Capital of Texas" is also not nearly as enjoyable as it may sound, but once again....I'm going to do my best not to let it wear me out this year. So let me start by listing some things I'm thankful for:

My family

My kids

NPayne

Love

Jesus Christ

My church

My job/s

a house to clean

groceries to buy

cars to maintenance

teachers

schools

FRIENDS

pets

health

all of the wonderful care the medical profession can provide

technology

music

Pastors

spending my day listening to giggling children

Kenda...my Bible Study leader

My parents

Money (in the necessary sort of way)

Armed Forces

Baseball

"Jesus Calling"

My Bible

My Sunday School class

Elli's sitter and my friend

My time here on earth

Down time

My camera

Journaling

And that's just to name a few!

If you are reading my blog, then I'm thankful for you too!

I know I may be jumping the gun...but Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful everyday!

CHURCH

2011-11-06T18:56:00.008-06:00

As I sat in church today and listened to John preach, I kept thinking of Pastor Ken. Ken was the person who God used to really make me embrace my longing to serve others. I'm learning that God is going to use John to help me to continue in that direction. John has been doing a really good sermon series on "If The Church Were Christian...."! Today he talked about if the church were christian, we would be the church not just do church. He said there are roughly 80,000 people a day who are converting to christianity. Many of these people are from other countries and worship in a very different way aka place than I do. His sermon was mainly about how, we the congregation, are the church....it's not the building or where we meet....but the people who attend that make the church. As the church, we need to be doing....not just attending. Everytime we reach out to serve someone else, we are being the hands and feet of Christ. It shouldn't matter where we gather to worship and serve. Do you think Jesus would have told people they couldn't worship under a tree? Do you think He would have told them they couldn't worship in a school gymnasium? Do you think He would have told them they couldn't worship in a tent? Do you think He would have told them they had to have a big building with pews, stained glass, and a steeple to make worship meaningful? Of course He wouldn't! The church serves as a place for Christians to gather, but it does not define what it means to be Christian. Going to church is a good thing....going each week is something I look forward to. I enjoy gathering together with my church family to worship, and yes we do use our church building for more than worship. But I have to admit that if it stopped there, I would not be nearly as blessed. I often hear Jesus through the sermon or my Sunday School lesson. I often see His face in the face of a baby being baptized on Sunday morning. I often hear His voice in the voice of my children singing in the choir, but still those things are not enough for me. I long be His hands and feet. I long to build relationships with others through where God is leading me. Sometimes those things do happen in our church....like when we serve the monthly meal to the people in our community, or when we pack thousands of shoe boxes full of gifts for Operation Christmas Child, or when NPayne and Addi sleep on the gym floor while doing a mission work over Thanksgiving break. The Bible says we are to do good works, but it doesn't say good works are what get us to heaven. God's grace is what gets us to heaven, but I believe that doing good works brings us closer to Jesus. Having a realtionship with Christ is what makes me want to serve others. I want to please Him, and I want to do what He has told me to do.....LOVE! When I googled LOVE, this is what popped up on wikipedia....

Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.^[1] In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. Love is central to many religions, as in the Christian phrase, "God is love" or Agape in the Canonical gospels.^[2] Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection.^[3]

That pretty much sums it up for me....the sermon, the service, what we are called to do, and the greatest commandment of all.....LOVE! I am blessed by His love and by sharing His love!

STIFF NECK

2011-11-04T21:42:00.002-05:00

My sweet son, Cal, got a crick in his neck or pulled a muscle or something painful. His teacher called me yesterday and said he couldn't turn his head or move it. He had been in the nurse's office with a heating pad on his neck. I went and picked him up and brought him home to some Ibuprofen, Acetaminophin, and BenGay. He kept telling me "Cal is getting sick. His neck hurts!" At bedtime, it didn't seem much better; so I was prepared to break his heart today and make him skip school. He LOVES school, but what he really loves is bowling. He bowls for Special Olympics, and he absolutely loves it. Last year, he made it all the way to regionals. This morning he got up and had more range in his movement, but his neck was still a little sore. He could turn his head and begged to go bowling, so I did what any good mother would do and....let him bowl! His teacher and I decided if he seemed to be in pain or if it seemed to stiffen up, that she would call me; and I would drive the 40 minute drive to pick him up from the tournament. I checked on him throughout the tournament, and she said it was a little challenging....more because there was so much chaos than because his neck hurt. I picked him up after school, and Ms. Day his class Para brought him to the car. She said he his neck was a little sore, but he did great. So great in fact that he brought home the GOLD MEDAL! He was thrilled....can't you tell by his photo? ;) He was really happy, but he was also really tired; so a smile just wasn't going to happen. At least I got a picture! Great Job Cal!

Happy Halloween

2011-11-01T23:34:00.004-05:00

Happy Halloween minus one! I'm posting these for my mom, so she can see her grandkids on Halloween. Addi was at drumline rehearsal, so she is not in these photos.....SAD! These costumes were last minute, dig around in our closet and dress up trunk costumes....not too bad, huh! I'm not a huge fan of Halloween, but my kids sure do love it; and I really enjoy the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups they save for me! Notice my boy.....he's dressed up....in somewhat of a costume! He did great....he went to every car at Trunk Or Treat and said "Trick or Treat"! He didn't even flinch, yell, grunt, or anything else when strangers would pat him on the back and say "Go Rangers"! I even think he ended up with the most candy....too bad he won't eat any of it....of course we shared some of it with Addi! I will blogging again regularly now and posting lots of photos! I am booked solid for photos over the next few weekends! Woohoo!

Woohoo!

2011-10-26T21:03:00.004-05:00

Long time, no blog. WHEWEE....I've been busy! Photo shoots galore...whoop! I just returned from a trip to Sky Ranch with my Drew and her entire 5th grade class....double woohoo! If you have not ever been to Sky Ranch, you must get there as fast as you can. I cannot tell you how much fun I had minus the sleeping in a bunk bed and being away from the rest of my family part. I rode the zipline....not once, not twice, but three times! I learned all about Limnology, The Scientific Method, Fossil Fuels, and Rockets! I went to a rodeo and ate barbecue in the bleachers. I watched my girl ride a mechanical bull. I went on a cattle drive....yessiree bob....a real cattle drive.....on a real horse (named Huckleberry)....driving real cattle in to their real pen with real wranglers aka cowboys and cowgirls and a real cattle dog too. I got to spend a lot of time with some really sweet kids and some that were a little high maintenance as well. I got to hang out with my Drew too. I got to enjoy God's beautiful creation in all of it's natural beauty....complete with a sky full of stars every night. All in all....it was grand. If I could, I would live at Sky Ranch. As a matter of fact, when I grow up I want to be one of those wranglers aka cowgirls! Woohoo! Glad to be home, but I can't wait to go again!

BE OUR GUEST

2011-10-18T21:42:00.012-05:00

I have the privilege of serving at a ministry in our church called Be Our Guest. Every third Tuesday, many church members gather to serve dinner to folks in our community. Some cook....made from scratch cooking, some set the tables....with real table cloths and fine dishes, some serve....bring the food and drinks to the table, some host.....sit, eat, and fellowship with the guests, some stay and wash dishes and put tables and chairs away. Live entertainment is also provided, and all of this is FREE! It's open to anyone in the entire community, and we usually serve about 150-200. I am always a host....great job....get to sit, eat, and fellowship; and I'm pretty successful at all of those. I always bring Addi....my 14 year old....who is my table server, and Drew....my 10 year old....who is my table's drink and dessert server. Tonight was the first time, I brought Bryna....my 8 year old. I told her she could start coming when she turned 8. I've been apprehensive about bringing her, because she is a little bit of a "bull in a china shop" type of child. But when I asked the volunteer coordinator, she assured me Bryna would be fine; and this was an opportunity for families to volunteer together; so I brought her. She has been excited about it for a month, since her 8th birthday. Tonight I sat with 4 regular guests and 1 new guest. I sat down at my table to wait for Pastor Cindy to invite the guests in, and I realized I had forgotten my name tag. I then got up to get it; and when I was walking back to the table a sweet looking older woman was there. At first I thought she was a host who didn't realize I had agreed to host that table, but I quickly realized she was a guest. When I went back to sit down, she greeted me with a big smile. I sat and attempted a conversation but was quickly met with these words: "Poquito Ingles"! I smiled at her and replied: "Poquito Espanol"! She giggled and so did I. I handed her a name tag, and she wrote her name....Elisa....on the name tag. Then she told me she was a student at our church, or at least that's what I think she told me. We managed to chat enough for me to figure out that she lives in the government housing next door. As other guests approached our table and sat down, some introduced themselves; and I would tell them that Elisa spoke "poquito Ingles". She would smile. One guest said what I had....that he spoke "poquito Espanol"! She giggled again. As we ate, she didn't say much, but she would clap after one of Josh's songs...he was providing entertainment. She especially liked the Elvis song Josh sang....maybe because he is sort of universal in all languages. When dessert came, she was still eating her dinner. So most of our guests had eaten and were getting ready to leave when Elisa was just about to start her dessert. She ate about half of her dessert, and she looked at me and said...."Beautiful!".....as she pointed to her pie. I told her she could take an orange that was part of the centerpiece on our table (I was very proud that I remembered the spanish word for orange was naranja), and she was thrilled to take one with her. She motioned for another dessert which she was served, and she sat and enjoyed every single bite. When she got up to leave, she thanked me in Spanish; and we hugged. Then she looked me square in the eye, took my hand in hers, and again said with so much emotion...."Beautiful!" I realized that what she was saying was that the whole experience was "beautiful" for her. I don't know if she knows many other English words, but I couldn't help but think if there was only one descriptive English word to know...."Beautiful" was certainly a good word to know. I felt the Holy Spirit so full in that place tonight, and I am so honored to be able to serve others. It's "BEAUTIFUL". As I said....tonight was my daughter, Bryna's, first time to serve; and as I said she is sort of the "bull in the china shop" type of child. But everytime I saw her skipping, prancing, or running by, with a pitcher full of water or a tray full of desserts, and that big bright proud smile on her face.....I never once thought....I hope she doesn't drop something or break something, or I hope she doesn't spill something. Instead what I thought was...."BEAUTIFUL!"

Little Pieces of Advice

2011-10-12T22:28:00.002-05:00

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I have a few things that I repeat over and over when I run into certain circumstances. When I begin to worry about things that are going to happen in the future, I repeat "Fear Not, For I Am With You!" When I find myself feeling less than satisfied with a certain situation, I repeat "Rejoice always, pray continueally, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Don't quench the spirit." When I find myself feeling tired or discontent, I repeat "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!" Actually I sing that one....you know like the song?? My very dear friend, Kenda, taught me about 5 years ago that it's good to know scripture by heart....so that when you are in a tough situation....or in my case a mood or a funk....you can repeat scripture that brings you back to what's important. I can never thank her enough for telling me that, because it truly helps me. She also told me about reading a Proverb every day....there are 31 Proverbs, so you always have enough to cover you for the entire month. If there aren't 31 days in the month, then just double up on the last one! I love it when simple pieces of advice, like these, turn out to oftentimes be life changing things. Pass it on....read a Proverb and have a good day rejoicing in the Lord!

Hiliary and Daniel

2011-10-10T11:10:00.003-05:00

So I love shooting weddings....they are a lot of work, but so much fun to do. There is nothing better than sweet, honest, pure love. But....I have to be honest, I love doing bridals a little more; because you get to capture the bride when she is ready to be captured but in a non invasive way....does that make sense? Since this gorgeous bride decided against bridals....I captured some on my own at the wedding. Call me obsessive, but a gorgeous bride in a corset gown with cowgirl boots.....I couldn't resist. For more wedding/bridal photos, click here! Have I mentioned that I am a little obsessed with silhouettes lately? Well I am!

TWINS!

2011-10-09T20:18:00.002-05:00

Oh Me, Oh My....Identical twin baby boys! Numbers 4 and 5 in this family who already have 3 boys....can you imagine having 5 boys? Why yes, I can....thank you for asking! You know I have twin envy! For more photos, click here!

LOVE....AND DON'T LOVE!

2011-10-08T09:07:00.003-05:00

Things I love/Things I Don't Love:

BABIES/CANCER

MY FAMILY/BULLIES

MY CHURCH/POVERTY

LIVING IN AN OLD HOUSE /THE CITY

THE OCEAN/BUSYNESS

ORGANIZATION /CLUTTER

PERFECT WEATHER /EXTREME ANYTHING

BABY'S FEET /ANYONE ELSE'S FEET

LIVING CLOSE TO EVERYTHING I DO /TRAFFIC AND CONSTRUCTION

MY CHURCH FAMILY /MY PASTOR HAS BREAST CANCER

LIFE/ MY PASTOR DIED

MY BLESSINGS/CHALLENGING RELATIONSHIPS

TEACHING/HOMEWORK

FLEA MARKETS/MALLS

PHOTOGRAPHY/DELAY ON A CAMERA

A BIG YARD/AN UNKEPT BIG YARD

THE CABIN AT THE LAKE /WE DON'T GO OFTEN ENOUGH

SWEET FAMILIES AT OUR PRESCHOOL /THAT WE CAN'T KEEP THEM THERE FOREVER

THANKSGIVING /MATERIALISM

PARENTS/MISSING MY DAD

TO DO LISTS/TO DO LISTS THAT DON'T GET DONE

NO CAR PAYMENTS/CAR REPAIRS

SECOND HAND/BRAND NEW

CREATING /STIFLING

HUGS /ABUSE

MY FRIENDS/ I RARELY SEE THEM AS OF LATE

A NEW DAY /TIME PASSING SO QUICKLY

CARMELITAS/COLD COFFEE

HEAVEN /HELL

LOVE /HATE

TEACHERS /NON-COMMUNICATORS

BEING HOME/ HAVING SOMEWHERE TO BE CONSTANTLY

JESUS/THAT NOT EVERYONE KNOWS HIM

Control Freak

2011-10-06T15:54:00.002-05:00

I'm a control freak....who else is a control freak? You can tell me. I won't tell anyone. I've noticed that my blog has been all about me these last few posts, so does that mean I am becoming a self absorbed control freak? I'm a self admitted control freak but a self absorbed control freak? Naaaaa ;) . Honestly I find being a control freak a little odd, because really I'm very laid back. But I have noticed that when things seem a little out of control for me, I really NEED to control the out of controlness (I know that's not a word....I'm just using it for effect). Things have been out of control for me since August, and instead of becoming more and more frustrated....I'm becoming more and more exhausted! I feel like I would like to cry, and I don't know why....of course you have to take in account that I am also a self admitted cry baby. I think what it boils down to is this.....

I'm easily overwhelmed by busyness, and I am definitely busy.

I feel like my days are flying by...which can be good....but for me, it's sad.

My oldest started high school, and I NEVER see her.

My baby is having a hard time adjusting to the new schedule....she is also easily overwhelmed by busyness.

Some sad things have happened in the last several months.

My oldest started high school, and I NEVER see NPayne on the weekends anymore....he's either helping with band stuff or watching football.

My boy is having some challenges at school, although he did learn to tie his shoes....I'm cheering loudly right now!

My Pastor died.

My other Pastor has breast cancer.

I rarely see any of my friends....unless it's at work....and then we are working.

AND....it's that time of the year....that time when I feel melancholy....that time when 6 years ago, my Mamaw died....and just a day later my Daddy died. I think what it boils down to is this:

I'm not taking enough time to rest in the Lord....I'm not taking enough time to read His Word. I need to take some time! I don't feel His Presence as present when I don't take the time to rest in Him. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him! Psalm 37:7....that's what I need to do!

I'M WEIRD

2011-10-02T21:09:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think I'm weird....okay a lot of times I think I'm weird. I've decided that being "weird" is okay with me. "Weird" is my general term for ecclectic, unique, unusual, neurotic, obsessive, and many other words that I could use to describe myself. It's easier to just say, "I'm weird!" and be done with it. Here's why I think I can be weird....

I can't stand to go barefoot....never at all....never....except when I'm forced to like while showering, but I don't care to wear socks either.

Not a fan of crowds, waiting in line, loud noises....pretty much nothing worth waiting in line for or being in a crowd to me.

I like the sound of silence....complete silence.

I love the taste of pickle juice, but I'm not a huge fan of pickles.

I would be 100% okay if we didn't have a TV in our house....anywhere in our house...but I have to have a radio.

I could survive on cereal, yogurt, coffee, and laughing cow cheese.

I like the towels to be folded a certain way and put on the shelf with the fold facing out.

I like tea sweet or unsweet....not particular about this one.

I only drink black coffee when I'm eating breakfast foods. Any other time, I need it to be flavored up.

Must have my toe nails painted but rarely have my finger nails painted.

I am easily annoyed AND easily humored.

I'm extremely sentimental but barely sympathetic.

I would be okay if I didn't leave my house for a week at a time.

Not a fan of dusting, sweeping, grocery shopping; but I enjoy doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and mopping.

Only wear make up, because I need to wear make up; and I'm not very good at putting it on.

Can't stand to be cold, can't stand to be hot....need to be "just right"!

Absolutely loved my body when I was pregnant....any other time....not so much!

Prefer my dishes to be put away in a certain way on a certain shelf.

DOES NOT like eating on paper plates when I have perfectly good dishes to eat on.

Not a fan of party favors for kids at birthday parties.

I love living in an old house that looks old and feels old.

Prefers hand me downs and second hand to just about anything brand new.

I love fancy shoes, but I usually only wear flip flops.

Doesn't mind my style being referred to as "granny" or "old lady", because I loved my granny and all her stuff!

Really wants to be in better shape but really HATES to exercise.

Loves my family and friends....actually I think this one is pretty "normal".

September 28....The Best Day of 2003!

2011-09-28T12:33:00.003-05:00

Happy Birthday to My Sweet Bryna Mae. She arrived early but took a long time to get here. After eight very long days in NICU, we brought our sweet baby girl home to a house full of love. B, B-Nut, Bryna Mae.....she is my child that stumps me the most. NPayne and I use to half joke about where she came from.....because she has her own unique look. Bryna is not much like me, and she's not much like her daddy. She is her own very strong and ecclectic personality. She is my child that will drive me mad and two minutes later drive me happy. My child who sings her way through everything and doesn't even realize she's singing. My child who is referred to as "the happiest little girl I know". Bryna....my girl who is musically gifted, can talk her way into and out of a lot of trouble, my girl who lives in her own little world. Bryna....my girl who still loves to hold my hand, shrieks my name happily when I come home, loves to snuggle with me in my bed, and still wants me to sing her a bedtime song. Bryna....my girl who still loves her "Lovey", kicks her shoes off the minute she walks into the house (even if it's not our house), never met a stranger, has a heart full of joy. Bryna....my only child who wrote on the walls, cut her hair to the scalp (just last week), sneaks into the candy bowl, and spends every dime she has. Bryna.....my girl without a care in the world....sometimes I wish I were as carefree as she is! Happy Birthday Bryna Mae Payne....you stole my heart 8 years ago, and I absolutely adore you!

(More Bryna photos coming soon as soon as I figure out why blogger won't let me upload anymore).

Everything Will Be Okay

2011-09-26T21:35:00.004-05:00

My favorite female pastor, Cindy, has breast cancer. Cindy has been my shepherd for the past 14 1/2 years, and I adore her. Everyone adores her. I don't even think she knows how much I adore her, and if she did; she might think I was a stalker ;) .....even though I don't actually follow her around or anything demented like that. Simply said.....I love Cindy. She was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer at the end of August and had a lumpectomy last week. She had a lymph node removed as well and so far everything looks clear, and it looks like nothing has spread. She will be starting radiation fairly soon and possibly another type of treatment. Why, you may ask, am I telling you all of this? Honestly I don't know. I just felt the need to write it down....to say it out loud....to put it in a permanent form....to let you know that.....I believe 100% that she is going to be fine. Honestly I didn't really even feel anxious when I first found out....I have a peace about this whole situation, and I feel that she is going to be fine. Pastor John's sermon yesterday was about God's blueprint or plan for your life. I couldn't help but think of so many things from this past year and how I viewed God's hand in those events. It's sort of a weird thing for me, because as much as I am a planner.....I am not really detailed oriented. As much as I am a worrier.....I don't really sweat over God's plan for my life or His calling for me. I had a meeting with Pastor Ken, my beloved pastor who died in February, about 5 years ago. I remember one Sunday in church, he openly invited anyone who would like to meet with him about anything to come in and meet with him; so I did. My dad had died a year or so before, and I was trying to figure out how to handle many different things that were going on in my mind.....one being Why do I have things so easy when there are so many people in the world who don't? I've written about this before and how I struggled with the guilt I felt over that. It was in that meeting that Ken gave me the following advice....transfer the guilt you feel into giving back to those who are not as fortunate as you! It was also in that meeting where Ken told me many personal things about himself, and when I knew that he was a very special person with a wonderful connection to Our Lord. I use to worry a little about not worrying about God's plan for my life. I use to think I was not very smart, because I didn't pay attention to so many details. And then I realized....after my meeting with Ken....that that's just who I am. It's not bad that I don't fret over things, and it's not bad that I don't pay attention to many details. The main plan God has for me is to be in relationship with HIM in every circumstance....those are Ken's words not mine.....and if I hang on to that and whisper the name of JESUS when I feel wrestless, confused, lost, or anxious....everything will be okay. That's how I felt about Cindy's diagnosis....I whispered the name of Jesus....and I felt like everything would be okay.

THAT Child

2011-09-22T21:27:00.004-05:00

We all have THAT child, don't we? Please tell me WE do. The child, that is not really like me nor really like NPayne, but who is his/her (in our case it's a her) own person through and through. The child that causes many discussions between NPayne and myself that go something like this:

NPayne: "She did what?"

Me: "What do I do about that?"

NPayne: "I'm have no idea. None of our others have ever done that. Are you sure she's mine?....with a little chuckle"

Me: "Are you sure she's mine?....with a little chuckle"

We all have that child that leaves us baffled....that is completely unpredictable....that is nothing like her siblings....that oftentimes leaves me completely speechless, confused, wondering what in the world would make her think/act/behave a certain way. The child, that challenges me more than I thought I would be challenged for as long as I have been challenged. The child, that I feel like I should introduce as...."She is very different from her sisters!" The child that breaks The Payne rules....the child that lives in her own little world...the child who doesn't have a care in the world....the child who is still thinks the world is just for her. We all have one, don't we? Don't we? Well if you don't think you do, let me tell you....you are really missing out. You see this child who doesn't have a care in the world has nothing but joy in her heart. This child who leaves me baffled and speechless also makes me smile just by looking at her sweet face and listening to her sing her way through the day. This child who cuts her own hair to the scalp....No She Didn't....Oh Yes She Did...sees nothing but the good in every situation and thinks her "new" haircut looks nice. The child who I introduce as...."She is very different from her sisters"....is the child who has changed her card, at school, for singing too much and doesn't even realize she's singing. This is the child who hangs her head out the window just to feel the breeze on her face....the child who makes me laugh just by watching her entertain herself.....the child who is still so little even though she is getting so big.....the child who still says "I" and "me" but says it in the same sentence with "Jesus" and "God" and "love"! This is my child.....THAT child....the child who is not like me nor like NPayne..... but is her own person through and through....this is the child whom I ADORE!

This is Bryna Mae!

Struggles

2011-09-20T08:27:00.003-05:00

Many people I know are struggling with something. I've heard from several friends about their recent and not so recent struggles. Struggles with family members, struggles with health, struggles with money, struggles with balance, struggles with loss, struggles with disconnect. On Sunday, Pastor John's sermon was about "God Doesn't Give You More Than You Can Handle". I always thought that saying was very cliche and not at all true, and I still do. However I realized on Sunday that I have always thought that for one reason, and now I think that for two. I always thought God doesn't give you more than you can handle was a complete untruth, because God doesn't want you to "handle" anything on your own but with Him by your side. After listening to John, I now realize that not only do I believe that statement to be untrue because of the above mentioned reason; but also because I believe God doesn't give you bad things. So if you are dealing with struggles of one kind or another, one magnitude or another, one extrememe or another, or a multitude of different things.....then it's my belief that those are brought on by something other than God. God doesn't give you things to handle. I believe that He can choose to change circumstances and sometimes He doesn't, and of course that's a struggle; but I don't believe He gives you those struggles. I believe He allows struggles to occur for one reason or another....maybe we can ask Him when we get to heaven or maybe it really won't be that important once we get there. One of my friends, who I have recently chatted with, told me that after John's sermon; she thought that maybe God knows she can't handle big struggles; so that's why she hasn't had one. I have wondered about this a lot as well, and truly and oddly that's a struggle for me too. I think I've discussed this before, maybe even recently....I have a lot on my mind...so honestly I can't remember post to post; but I do struggle with why things are not that big of a struggle for me as they are for others? I don't want big struggles, but I do feel guilty about this often. I remember Pastor Ken telling me once that I should replace the guilt with the love of Christ. In other words, instead of wondering why my struggles are minimal compared to so many; I should take the good I have in my life and share it with those whose struggles are bigger than mine. I have tried and tried to do that, and I hope I still am; but again I struggle! Is it enough? What I'm doing? Is it enough?

I read today's Jesus Calling Devotional, and this is what it said:

Try to see things more and more from My perspective. Let the Light of My Presence so fully fill your mind that you view the world through Me. When little things don't go as you had hoped, look to Me lightheartedly and say, "Oh well." This simple discipline can protect you from being burdened with an accumulation of petty cares and frustrations. If you practice this diligently, you will make a life changing discovery: You realize that most of the things that worry you are not important. If you shrug them off immediately and return your focus to Me, you will walk through your days with lighter steps and a joyful heart. When serious problems come your way, you will have more reserves for dealing with them. You will not have squandered your energy on petty problems. You may even reach the point where you can agree with the apostle Paul that all your troubles are light and momentary, compared with the eternal glory being achieved by them.

GOD IS SO GOOD!

I'm Perfect

2011-09-14T17:15:00.002-05:00

Do you ever wish you were someone else? I've thought about this a lot as I grow older, and I don't ever recall "wishing I was someone else", but I do recall wishing some things about me were different.....okay a lot of things were different. Does that make sense? Let me explain....

I wish I was thinner...

I wish I had smoother skin....

I wish I didn't have varicose veins....

I wish my baby bump (that's not due to a baby in there but due to the 5 that were once in there) was gone...

I wish that my hair was a little more controllable....

I wish my teeth were whiter....

I wish my body was toner....

I wish I was taller....

I wish my eyelashes were longer....

I wish my vision was better....

I wish my arthritis was gone....

And then I remind myself.....

Genesis 1:27

So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

I guess that means I'm perfect! :)

Struggles

2011-09-12T14:25:00.002-05:00

I love how God reminds me.....all the time....to be joyful! It seems as if every time I think I have something big to face....I am reminded that someone else has something bigger. I'm not down playing my own issues or anyone else's, but as NPayne always says...."Someone always has it harder than I do!" Sometimes I don't know what to do with that piece of information. What I mean is that although I have struggles and sometimes they are big struggles, when I really stop and look at it; they are not as big as someone else's struggles. That gives me very mixed emotions. I am not saying that I want my struggles to be bigger than anyone else's. What I am saying is that sometimes....okay a lot of the time....I face some serious guilt about not having big struggles. Sometimes....okay a lot of the time....I face some fear about the possibility of facing a bigger struggle than I ever have. As I have mentioned before, I am a little bit of a worrier. I don't worry about today really or tomorrow or really even next week, but I find myself letting my mind wander into a few years from now or what if when my children start to drive or what if when my children move away or what if when my children start high school....that sort of worrier that I have described as a "future worrier". I am thankful for the struggles I have, because they do help me keep things in perspective; but I am also thankful when I am reminded that my struggles really aren't that big. I am the most thankful when I am reminded that my God is with me.....He will be right beside me always....even if I do end up facing one of those struggles that I find myself "worrying about". I'll admit that seeking His face when times are good is something I struggle with as well. I feel like I take advantage of His love when things are going smoothly, and I cling to Him when they are not. I pray that I can seek His face every moment of every day!

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

LOVE IT UP!

2011-09-11T21:36:00.002-05:00

I am a huge fan of devotionals. I read several devotions each day. I really love it when 2 or more of the devotionals have the same message for that particular day....I know God is tapping me on the arm and saying "Pay Attention Here!" One of the devotions that I read is "The Upper Room". It's short and sweet but very thought provoking. Each day is written from a different perspective by a different person....not necessarily a person that is part of clergy....just a person. I read one last February, and it spoke deeply to me. The focus of this particular devotion was temptation, which of course I face, but that is not why it spoke to me. It spoke to me, because of the perspective of the child that is portrayed. Here it is....

If anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

-1 John 2:1 (NIV)

MY friend Brandy teaches second grade. One day in class a pupil showed her something she had just drawn. It wasn't a very good drawing, and Brandy asked the girl if she thought she had done her best. The girl replied, "Let's just love it." When Brandy asked her to explain, the girl said that since there was nothing she could do about the picture, the only thing left was to "love it up" and try to make the next drawing better.

I wish my responses to my own flawed efforts were more like that child's. Instead, when I make a mistake I tend to beat myself up. Why would I do something like that? I ask myself. I'm supposed to be a Christian, but I'm such a phony! At such times I have to be reminded that even though we are new creations in Christ, we are still human. All of us can succumb to temptation.

Fortunately, God is merciful. The Bible says that Jesus Christ, God's son, speaks in our defense. Through the cross, Jesus paid the penalty for our sins. When we ask for forgiveness, God will "love us up" and give us a second chance.

Travis Mamone (Maryland, USA)

Prayer

Ever-loving God, thank you for your grace and mercy. Please forgive us for our sins and help us to become better disciples. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Thought for the Day

God's love covers all our sins.

I love how she just wants to embrace her mistake and "love it up" until she has another opportunity to re-do it or make it better. I love that approach. I make mistakes a lot, and this devotion....not only reminded me that God "loves me up"....but it reminded me of my own children. They are always so quick to forgive me and to "love me up"....not matter what I have done! Oftentimes they act much more like Jesus than I do! When you are frustrated with yourself or someone else for the sin or mistake or whatever, remember to "love them up"!

TIME FLIES!

2011-09-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

My Baby Girl turned FIVE! We were eating dinner for her birthday, and she said; "Mommy, Bryna is sad that I'm turning 5." I then had to explain that we weren't sad that she was turning five. We want her to grow strong and healthy and celebrate lots of birthdays, but we just wish time didn't fly by so fast. It seems like just yesterday she was born and now she's a great big five year old. I came across this saying today when I was reading one of the many devotionals that I read each day, and I thought it said it perfectly!

"When we are young, time passes so very slowly -- especially if we are waiting for something special! But as we get older, the years fly by more and more quickly. Yet despite all our learning, despite all our experience, we come to two great awakenings: our knowledge compared to what there is to know is so very small and our place in the passage of time is so very short. Both of these awakenings prepare us to turn our lives and future over to our God who longs to bring us to himself." Phil Ware

This sweet video was made by my oldest daughter for my youngest daughter. I cannot tell you how so very blessed.... in the midst of a messy house, long work hours, a To Do List that never seems to get To Done, some bickering from time to time, taxi driving here and there and everywhere, and all that goes along with having children....I am overwhelmed by my blessings! Remember to scroll down and mute the music, so you can hear the video.

Five Years Ago Today....The Best Day of 2006!

2011-09-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Five years ago today, our lives were blessed by the presence of Elliot Ann Payne. Elli made her way into the world in a very uneventful way (which we were quite grateful for), however we knew immediately that our lives would never be uneventful with her in it. She was the neediest daughter I had had as an infant, but secretly I enjoyed it....shhhhhh! I loved that she wanted to nurse all of the time. I loved that she wanted to be held so much, and I loved that she needed me so much. She did grow quite independent very quickly....being the 5th does that to a person....forces them to be independent. She is now quite independent (which is quite helpful but makes me a little sad too). She is the apple of all of our eyes!

Elli has always been able to dress herself, get herself to sleep, tell us when she needs a nap, put her shoes on the right feet, make herself a snack, and clean up after herself. She is a lot like me and likes things to be neat and tidy. She potty trained late (in the eyes of some), but once she did; she never looked back. She is quite grown up and mature for such a little girl, but she still needs her thumb, her Pinky Pie (lovey), and her mama and daddy.

She is more than I could have ever asked for in a child,

and I always tell her I wish I had ten more like her.

I love the way she loves me back

and tells me so at the most random times

or when the thought pops into her mind.

I love the way she adores her daddy and would

be happy to spend all of her days with him.

I love the way she is as stunningly beautiful

on the inside as she is on the out. In her short time here on earth,

she has made so many people's lives better by just being Elli.

I love how she LOVES her sisters and brother

and will sit and play with them for hours and hours and hours.

I love how she brightens my day

when she greets me with a big smile

and throws her arms around my neck.

I love her little hands and feet,

and how she says "I'm NOT a food"....

when I tell her I want to eat her up.

I love her sense of humor and how

she has me laughing many times a day.

If laughter is good for the soul, then

Elli is definitely good for my soul.

I love how she is a deep thinker and already asks me very thought provoking questions. She is going to be my child who asks all those hard questions really early. I love how much she looks like my dad. Although she never met him, looking in her eyes is like looking into his. I love that she has wild crazy hair....just like her mama! I love that she will try new things, but she will definitely tell you if she's not interested in something. I love that she has a mind of her own, and that she makes good choices. I love that she already knows about Jesus and asks about Him often. I love that she listens and church but still sits in my lap and asks me to tickle her arm while she sucks her thumb. I love that she is a good friend. I love that she is a pleaser and wants to do "the right thing". I love that every now and then she does "the wrong thing".....like eating my entire box of Valentine candy....but immediately brings me the empty box with chocolate all over her face....to confess and tell me she's so sorry. I love that she wants to be like her sisters but not enough that she doesn't still want to be her own sweet Elli. Elliot Ann Payne, I could never in a million gazillion years tell you how much I love you and adore you. My prayer for you is that you will continue to shine your light on all of those you meet, and that you will live your life for God! If you do, you will experience a love stronger than mine; and that will be the best gift you could ever have.

Life Is Good!

2011-09-02T23:03:00.002-05:00

Life is good!

My house is a mess...literally as messy as it's ever been, except when Elliot was born; and NPayne came home to a sand castle built on our dining room table....YES I'M COMPLETELY SERIOUS!

My bills are due!

My teenager is NEVER home, and when she is; she's sleeping!

I'm NEVER home, and when I am I'm sleeping...hence the really messy house!

My laundry is completely out of control....more than it has ever been....YES I'M COMPLETELY SERIOUS!

My husband's car does not have working a/c....in the 100+ temps...that he drives an hour to and from work in every day.

My mom is probably really lonely....I haven't seen her in quite a while.

My friends probably forgot who I am....except the few that see me at work.

My clothes are too tight....I've been eating horribly lately.

My head hurts!

My leg hurts....darned tendonitis!

My flowers are dead....darned heat!

But as I said, Life Is GOOD! I have so much to be thankful for, and yes I complain; but I know I have so much to be thankful for even in the midst of complaining. I remember Pastor Ken's Easter morning sermon, a few years ago. He handed out orange bracelets with the following scripture on them:

Phillipians 2:14

Do everything without complaining or arguing!

Anytime you found yourself complaining, you were suppose to snap that orange bracelet or switch it to the other arm or do something to help remind you that.....YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR...even in the midst of complaining....LIFE IS GOOD! And it is!

Have I Mentioned I Have A Job?

2011-09-01T18:31:00.004-05:00

I know you're probably sick of hearing it, but I have a JOB! Now don't get me wrong....being a stay home mom/part-time preschool teacher/photographer is definitely work....but my "new" job actually brings home a little extra bacon. Well....at least I thought it would. I had plans for my paychecks...which really aren't that much in the grand scheme of things....but are a whole lot more than I have made in the last 13 years:

1. replacing my rotted bathroom floor

2. finishing out our kitchen

3. buying a new dishwasher

4. paying off all of Addi's band dues

5. paying off the rest of my "new" IMac

6. buying NPayne and myself a few new clothing items

7. a new desk

8. taking my family out on the town

9. getting my car detailed

10. a massage at least once a month

11. new mattresses for everyone

BUT.....we've had a few bumps in the road....and I'll admit it's a little frustrating, yet I am so thankful that we have the extra money to help with the bumps. Someday I'll knock off some of the list above!

I Am Weak...He is Strong!

2011-08-31T22:09:00.004-05:00

STOP....I want to get off!

My baby girl is about to be FIVE!

My oldest baby is in high school!

My smack dab in the middle child has one year left in elementary school!

My boy has one year left in middle school!

My 4th child...well she's still only in second grade...whew!

I'm thinking I'm way past being middle aged!

I have a job!

The craziness of the school year is completely upon me...oh and the rest of my family!

I'm drowning in paperwork!

My organization needs to be organized!

I'm more restless than ever!

And then I remember this..... that where I am weak, HE is strong! He lifts me up and continues to walk right beside me in the things that overwhelm me!

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

H & D....Ain't Love Grand?

2011-08-27T22:22:00.001-05:00

These are engagements I took about a month ago. Tomorrow I have the wonderful pleasure of shooting their wedding! I love LOVE! To see more of this super fabulous couple, click here!

First Day Of School

2011-08-23T08:11:00.004-05:00

Last year on the first day of school....Elliot waving goodbye to her brother and sisters. She said, "I hope they come back!"

This year on the first day of school,

Elliot waving again and hoping they will come back.

This year she knows they will.

Next year, it will be a photo of me waving goodbye.

Well actually it won't, because there will be nobody here to take it.

Next year, it will be me with a box of tissue and a sedative.

I'll be home without a little for the first time in 15 years.

I'm verklempt just thinking about it.

2011-08-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

M is for Molly.....a beautiful bride.

To see more of Molly's bridals, click here!

My Baby Girl

2011-08-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

She is almost FIVE.....sigh!

I can't believe it.

NPayne

2011-08-20T22:05:00.002-05:00

Time...

And Time Again....

He has stood by me!

RESTLESS

2011-08-18T18:10:00.002-05:00

I have been discontent. I'm not sure why, because my life is full and happy. But still I remain discontent. I have felt this way for a very long time....at least a year or so. Please don't confuse discontent with being ungrateful, because that I am not....ungrateful that is. I am so very grateful for so many things....big, small, simple, complex....I am grateful. Praise God! I'm just not content. I've struggled with it and tried to figure out what to do with this looming feeling....move, change jobs, etc. I really had no idea what to do about this feeling, and then I realized.....TODAY....while sitting at my desk....I realized that I don't think I'm discontent as much as I am restless. This struck me as odd, because I am not a fan of being busy; so being "restless" seems contradictory. As I sat there, putting together a bulletin board for the school where I work, I kept wondering why I was so discontent. The more I thought about it and what that meant, the more I realized I am not discontent but restless. How could that be? When I thought about what restless means, I kept thinking of not being able to sit still....and that is definitely not me. I can sit still all day long and be completely happy! ;)

I looked it up, and these were the descriptive definitions I found:

restless (ˈrɛstlɪs)

— *adj*
1.	unable to stay still or quiet
2.	ceaselessly active or moving: the restless wind
3.	worried; anxious; uneasy
4.	not restful; without repose: a restless night

Really the only that could apply to me would be #3...worried, anxious; uneasy; because yes I am a self admitted worrier. But I am not a person who likes to be on the go or busy, so how could this feeling be what I've been feeling for so long. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am restless with my time. I haven't been able to spend the time I want to spend in the way I want to spend it and in turn, I have become quite restless. I need to be more conscious of managing my time and the way I spend it. I need to consult GOD instead of needing to be in complete control of my day, but what I really need to do is to listen....and spend it the way He tells me to. I think that's why I've been so restless, because He has been laying so many things on my heart; and I have not had "the time" to carry them out in the way that I would like to. I really need to continue to consult Him and let Him control my time. Praying I can do so!

How Do You Pray?

2011-08-17T01:24:00.003-05:00

I pray for people I don't know. Yes I do. I pray for people, that I don't know that others may ask me to pray for. I pray for people, that I don't know but have stumbled across their need for prayer. I pray for people I don't know in a general, blanket type of prayer. Yes I do. I have been praying for Kate McRae for a few years now. I have never met Kate or anyone in her family, but still I pray. Kate is a little girl with a brain tumor. Tonight when I read her blog, that her mother writes, I realized that I have only been visiting it when I have a moment....which honestly isn't that often lately, but I also realized that I have only been praying for her and her family when I visit the blog. That is a PROBLEM. I need to be more intentional in praying for those who have asked me to and those who have not. I will admit that oftentimes when I'm sitting in the carpool lane, at a stop light, in the bath tub, reading my devotional; I will talk to God and pray for those who need it. Sometimes I become overwhelmed with the amount of people who ask me to pray for people I know and don't know, so I try to keep a prayer list; so I don't forget one. Now I know, and you know that He knows who needs prayer; and He knows what's on my heart and mind. But I know that you know that He enjoys it when we talk to Him....although He already knows what we are going to pray. He wants us to come to Him for everything.....prayers for needs and wants, prayers for praise and thanksgiving, prayers of supplication, EVERYTHING! I pray a lot....not as often as I should but a lot, and I always start my conversation....because I usually do prayer as if God and I were talking with each other.....with praise and thanksgiving. Then I get into the specific requests, the love, the blanket requests. Sometimes I don't say anything but simply "THANK YOU!" and that's enough!

Ten More

2011-08-13T00:20:00.003-05:00

I wish I had TEN MORE:

babies

dollars

cars

gallons

Bibles

pets

books

years

days

minutes

But I don't.

But if I did, I would give them away....except for the babies and the years; those I would definitely keep!

More Photos

2011-08-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Wanna see more? Click here to see who these cute toes belong to!

It's Hot In Texas

2011-08-12T23:43:00.003-05:00

I live in Texas....North Texas....and it's hot....and we need some rain. We've been teased the last two days, that maybe, just maybe it might rain....but it hasn't. My grass is yellow and completely dead, our flowers are dying (although we do water them a little), and I'm sure the foundation under our house is wondering...."What is going on? Why is it so stinkin' hot?" We are on water rationing, but we have chosen not to water our yard at all; and here is why!

1. NPayne is not a fan of yardwork, so he is not that concerned that our yard is dead.

2. Our outside faucet, the one and only in the front yard, has a horrible leak which would be a horrible waste of water.

3. Our sprinkler doesn't work.

4. There are farmers losing their crops due to lack of water....their livelihood.

5. There are farmers and ranchers losing their livestock due to lack of water....their livelihood and animals' lives.

6. The lakes are low which means our water supply is low which means I'm afraid there may come a day that we don't have any water.

7. Anytime I'm on the highway, which isn't often, I see those big signs that say...."We are in a severe drought!" It sorta makes me feel guilty about wishing I was watering my grass.

So what I'm saying is this....it stinks that our grass is dead and our flowers are dying and our house is going to end up with a thousand new cracks in the walls whenever the rain does wet our foundation again, BUT...having a nice green yard, and beautifully blooming flowers and a nice moist foundation is not worth people losing their crops, their cattle, doing without water all together! So we made a conscious choice, and we hope it helps someone somewhere!

OXYMORON

2011-08-10T00:43:00.003-05:00

I've discovered, or maybe I have known, that I am sort of an oxymoron about many things.

I'm an amateur expert at photography.

I have anticipated serendipity.

I often agree to disagree.

I am awfully nice.

I often feel alone in a crowd.

I find that I am almost done with many things but still have lots to do.

I am an advanced beginner at....well....you name it, many things.

I have been experiencing good grief lately.

I'm a harmless sinner.

I find myself fighting for peace in my household (from time to time).

My favorite so far is that I am waiting patiently....for some things to change....and am realizing that they may not....and that I will have to find my perfect peace where I know I should look but continue to not look, because it may be more work than I anticipated to be content.

I hope you understood that organized confusion!

PHOTOS

2011-08-10T00:40:00.000-05:00

Brother and sister....aren't they sweet?

More to come.....later!

Good Grief

2011-08-07T17:43:00.007-05:00

I'm going to be really completely totally honest here. I, Lorie Payne, have not been excited about going to church much lately. Me....the person who never misses, who looks forward to Sunday mornings more than any other morning of the week, who gets refilled and replenished for the week at church.....yes Me, Lorie Payne, has not been excited about going to church. Once I drag myself there, I am getting refueled and enjoying the sermon; but there is something missing. Our new pastor is really great. He is funny, a great speaker, and so far pretty in tune to my personal beliefs; but I still have no connection with him. I've chatted with him briefly, waved hello, etc.; but I have yet to have a meaningful conversation with him. I go to church and listen attentively and am so very grateful that I am really getting a lot from his messages....because I was fearful that I wouldn't....but I still find that something is missing. I have contemplated setting aside a time just to go in and talk to him, share some of myself with him, and hopefully learn more about him; but I haven't done it. I am just not ready to be so emotionally vulnerable to this person yet. I realize it has not even been 6 months since my pastor, Ken, died so suddenly and unexpectedly; and I know that these feelings are all part of the grieving process. Please don't misunderstand....I am thrilled to have been given John as our new pastor....he is, as I said, really great; but I just miss Ken....plain and simple. Ken was and is such a huge part of my day, my week, my month, my life. God taught me so much through Ken, and I have to admit that I still feel so sad without him. I still find myself crying at the mention of his name, while reading certain things, or sharing a meal with his bride. I still find myself crying when I see his mother go up for communion, and hear about his grandson pointing to his picture and saying "Papa". I know God is walking with me, with all of us who grieve the loss of our pastor, I know He is. I know He is continuing to do great things in our church and in our lives, I know He is. I know Ken would want us to continue and move on, I know he would. I know I will, I know we will. Finally today was the first sign of that for me....it was the first Sunday that I didn't cry in church....even when I let my mind wander a little to something that Ken had said or done in the past or imagined him standing at the pulpit....I didn't cry. I know that we will heal and that God will see me and all of us through this time. We will carry on.....in Ken's memory, through what God taught us through him, through what God will teach us through John....we will carry on. We will be sure footed in His abounding love.

Psalm 18:33-36

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.

Habakuk 3:17-19

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

SISTERLY LOVE!

2011-08-03T09:34:00.009-05:00

Today was one of those days that didn't work out the way it was suppose to...we were suppose to go visit some friends that live a few hours away....but the mama got really sick. Although we didn't get to go and we were disappointed, it's sort of nice for me to just be able to sit here, collect my thoughts and emotions, and write. I've decided that I'm ADD....I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up....a teacher, a writer, a photographer; so I guess I'll just be all 3! :) I haven't been able to sit down and write for a while, so this little break in time is providing me that opportunity. While my little girls are upstairs playing school with their new Dry Erase Crayons....those are so cool, get some if you haven't....sorry I digress; and my boy is upstairs playing with his new Harvey train....I decided to peruse a few blogs that I haven't had time to read lately. I read Angie Smith's blog and noticed that someone had commented under a comment I had made. I decided to re-read my comment, since it was made a few weeks ago and remind myself of what I had written. As I began to read it, I remembered what I was feeling that day when I read her post; and I began to cry. Angie has such a wonderful way with words and making you feel like you're in the moment. She wrote a post a few weeks ago about a boy with special needs playing baseball, and it struck home....no pun intended. As I read that post, I could envision my boy playing ball in the front yard. It's become an obsession with him lately....a good one though...and I could hear God speaking to me through her words. After I read my comment and the other (very kind) comment left for me, through my tears I decided to browse through some photos I have of my boy.....since I was all wrapped up in the moment. I came across a few of him on our beach vacation....the place he loves more than any other....and then I came across these! When I saw them, again I wept.....these were those kind of tears that are completely uncontrollable....you know the ugly cry complete with snorting and the red face. The kind of crying that my kids are use to seeing me do, but still alarms them from time to time. They know I'm a cry baby. I am such a sap and so completely overwhelmed by emotions, and once again the love and thankfulness I have for my children completely engulfed me; and I sat and sobbed. Tears of true thanksgiving and that real realization of how much God loves me became so apparent when the love I have for my children engulfed me enough to move me to tears. When you see these photos, you will see that they are not those kind of photos that take your breath away; but they did indeed take mine away. It was a gentle reminder of how so very blessed I am to have been given the role of mother to these children and how so very blessed they are by each other. Having a special needs child can be so difficult at times, but it can be so rewarding as well. My girls know having a special needs brother can be so difficult at times, but it can also be so rewarding. Drew is really starting to realize that. Bryna and Elli are still trying to figure that out, but Addi....my sweet first born has always known this. Maybe it's because she was born before him, maybe it's because she has always had an acute awareness for Cal and has always been his rock when NPayne and I were not there, maybe it's because she is so very laid back, maybe it's because she is such a giving person, maybe it's because she knows that Jesus loves Cal as much as He loves everyone else, maybe it's because she has such a heart for love, maybe it's because sometimes I see Christ in her eyes more than anyone else's, maybe it's because she's so much like her daddy, maybe it's because she is a true servant, maybe it's because she sees Cal through the eyes of a child, maybe it's a combination of all of these things. One thing I know for sure is this....there are times when I get frustrated and irritated and yes....I hate to admit it....but sometimes even embarassed by something Cal does or does not do; but Addi does not. She has always been accomodating and embraced him fully. She has always included him, loved him, and been proud of him. Although Cal gets rattled by uncertainty, he is quite certain that he can count on his sister. He trusts her. Cal has been so blessed to have such wonderful sisters, and they are blessed to have him....although they may not all realize that quite yet....Addi does and always has. God knew exactly what He was doing when He chose Addi for Cal's big sister.....which doesn't surprise me at all! She is going to be such a good mommy!

This is a photo that Addi took.

The caption under it read....I LOVE MY BROTHER!

GOD IS GOOD!

SNEAK PEEK

2011-08-02T22:43:00.001-05:00

Ain't Love Grand?

More To Come Soon!

I'm swamped with photos.....and that makes me very happy!

Photography

2011-07-29T20:22:00.002-05:00

I shot a wedding last weekend and engagements yesterday. I cannot even begin to express how much I love photographing the true emotion of LOVE! I always get comments expressing how beautiful the photos are, or amazing they are, or fantastic they are; and not to toot my own horn....but they are. Some of that does take a good eye and some talent, but most of it is a result of the pure, raw emotion of being in LOVE! It's a beautiful thing, and a beautiful thing to capture. Wow....I am so blessed by God to be able to use this gift! It makes me smile A LOT!

By the way, I had a new "assistant" with me at the wedding last Saturday;

and he captured this photo of me. I did some kooky stuff to it, but overall I really liked it.

He is a talent in the making....and might I mention....he is really really cute!

I think photographing big events with him might become a new normal!

What can I say? I'll do whatever I can to get to spend time with him!

Guess who it is?

Middle Of The Road

2011-07-29T20:00:00.003-05:00

I'm a middle of the road kinda gal about many things. Here are a few:

1. I'm not a summer or winter person but in the middle of the road.....75-80 temps.

2. I'm not a morning or a night person but in the middle of the road....9:30 or so to get up/11:00 or so to get to bed.

3. I'm not frou frou kinda gal but in the middle of the road....like fancy shoes but love flip flops too.

4. I'm not Type A or Type Z but in the middle of the road.....I like to plan, but I don't always carry out.

5. I'm not a neat freak but in the middle of the road....I like things to be tidy and orderly and clean, but many times they aren't.

6. I'm not addicted to technology but in the middle of the road....I could do without TV, but I really like my computer.

7. I'm not frivelous or a big spender but in the middle of the road....I don't believe in spending lots of money of stuff, but I sure am tempted.

8. I'm not a perfect person or a completely messed up person but in the middle of the road....I am riddled with sin and make bad choices and mistakes often, but I know I'm forgiven and try to do the right thing (most of the time).

Good thing God isn't the "Middle Of The Road Type".

PERFECT

2011-07-26T23:45:00.003-05:00

They're here. The twins have arrived, and they are perfect. I can say PERFECT....even though they are in NICU with respiratory sickness, because God created them in His image; and He is PERFECT. They were born a little early which caused their lungs not to work just right YET, but they will soon enough; and then they will join their 3 brothers at home. They are PERFECT! I believe that I was born PERFECT as well. It wasn't God who made me UNPERFECT, it was my own free will and choices and sin. It was many things, but it wasn't Him! Pray for my sweet friends and their family and their PERFECT twin boys and for all of the other PERFECT NICU babies! :)

Easily Overwhelmed

2011-07-22T09:25:00.004-05:00

What DOES NOT Belong:

laid back

easy going

flexible

happy

go with the flow

calm

EASILY OVERWHELMED

I'll give you a hint, it's the one in all uppercase letters. Those are all things that I, or about anyone who knows me, would use to describe me....except the last one. Most people would never know that I am easily overwhelmed....well actually...yes they would, because I don't necessarily mean OVERWHELMED in a negative sense here; although that occurs in my life as well. In this case, EASILY OVERWHELMED, refers to emotion. I find myself in the midst of tears often....sometimes good and sometimes not....but my emotions are easily stirred. Lately I've been easily overwhelmed with many emotions: joy, guilt, love, grief, gratefulness, worry....just to name a few.

At the beach, I found myself completely overwhelmed with love and gratefulness.

Seeing baby Maggie, one year after she joined my dear friends' family, I find myself completely overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness.

Taking a new job, I find myself overwhelmed with guilt and gratefulness.

Sending my oldest to high school, I find myself overwhelmed with worry and gratefulness.

Greeting our new pastor each week, I find myself overwhelmed with grief and gratefulness.

Listening to my pastor, Cindy's sermon on feeding the hungry, I found myself overwhelmed with all of those emotions.

I notice the common emotion here is gratefulness. NPayne always says, "There is always someone who is experiencing something worse than we are! We need to look at what we have to be grateful for."

Many years ago, when my Drew who is now 10, was very little....3 or so...she was getting up every night. Now if you know me, you know that SLEEP is my #1 survival priority. I love and require lots of sleep! ;) Well she was getting up, and she would be crying and upset; and it would take a long time to settle her down and get her back in bed. Honestly I rarely get up if one of our children get up, NPayne almost always does. If he gets up, he settles them in and goes right back to sleep. If I get up, I settle them in (maybe not as friendly as he does), and am awake for hours....maybe even the rest of the night. We are so fortunate that our kids....all 5 of them....have and are good sleepers and easy to put to bed. However there have been moments, when one of them watched something that spooked them; or they had a nightmare, or something of those sorts....and they get up. When Drew was going through this phase, Neil had gotten up a few nights; and then he was just becoming exhausted....because it was not a quick settling in for her. So I started getting up with her. I remember the first few night of being calm and patient and loving, but soon thereafter I started to become impatient and irritated.....which really doesn't help a frightened child in the middle of the night! On about the 4th day, I made a conscious effort....a decision....that I would not become irratated and impatient. I made a decision, that truly changed my life that day, I decided that I would hold that little girl as long as I needed to and cuddle her and love her and appreciate the fact that I had her and be GRATEFUL for her; because some day she won't be getting me up (which is a good thing...honestly I do know that)....but some day she will be a pre-teen, then a teen, then a young adult, then an adult, then gone from my house. I decided that day that I would treasure those quiet moments with one of the most wonderful blessings God had given me, and that's what I did. I held her endlessly and smelled her head and caressed her back and let her little tiny hands caress mine, and I was overwhelmed by love, joy, and gratitude. And honestly when she was finally sleeping through the night again, I was a little sad that we weren't having those times....in the middle of the night....together anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I was so grateful for sleep again; but I really learned how to look at being grateful over being inconvenienced. Since then, I really approach most everything with a grateful spirit. Of course there are times when I get irritated and impatient, but they are usually short lived when I take the time and make the decision to realize all I have to be grateful for. Sometimes I do have to stop and re-evaluate and remind myself.....I am grateful because? It usually doesn't take but a second to see what I have to be grateful for. God is such a loving God....He wants us to be happy....He wants us to have all we need, but He also wants us to appreciate what we have....to be grateful for what we have.....to thank Him for what we have.....to use what we have....to help others with what we have.... My pastor, Ken, taught me the part about using what we have to help others; and I am so GRATEFUL he did!

TWINS

2011-07-16T22:13:00.004-05:00

So I've been helping one of my close friends prepare her nursery for the arrival of her twin boys...YEA! These two will be her 4th and 5th, and YES THEY ARE ALL BOYS!!!! FIVE BOYS!!! Believe me, I love girls....hello....I have four of them, and of course I love my boy; but I really really really wanted my friend's twins to be boys. She may have wanted to toss a girl in the mix somewhere, since she already had 3 boys; but I am living vicariously through her. Remember I have twin envy. Now I'm not necessarily saying I would have wanted twin boys, but I will have to admit that I am quirky about how I would have ordered my twins....had I been able to do that. I always, always, always wanted twins....even when I was pregnant for the fifth time. I would have been thrilled to have had twins. You might think that's the quirky part, because it seems that most people would not choose to have twins....not sure why that is...but oh well. The quirky part about my wishful twins is this....I always wanted to have same sex twins (2 girls or 2 boys), so yes I'm living vicariously through my friend; because she is having same sex twins....BOYS! Now you might wonder why I wanted her to have boy twins, since she already has 3 boys and no girls. Well that sort of answers itself, because if you met her boys...good grief...you would know why. They are about the most gorgeous, sweet little men ever. Now of course they have their moments....as all children/boys do....but I just can't imagine her not having more of those wonderful little creatures. I mean, you know what they say, if it ain't broke; don't fix it. Now I she just has to name them. Twin boys coming soon and oh the photos I will take. This is a photo from last summer of the boys and their daddy!

Beach Pictures

2011-07-13T16:14:00.002-05:00

The last day we were at the beach, I noticed Elliot working hard on something in the sand. I walked over and was so surprised to see what she had created.....our family! She drew hearts between each person's face. Ahhhhh....the love! Pretty stinkin' good for a 4 year old!

NPayne aka Dad....complete with his soul patch! Yes that

long piece hanging from his chin is, in fact, his soul patch!

She's brilliant!

This is her self portrait!

Big sis....Addi aka Sissy!

Big Sister Bryna

Big Sister Drew

Then there's ME aka Mom!

Last but not least....Big Brother Cal!

Then there's our family portrait....created by several Paynes! Lotta hair in this family!

We're Back!

2011-07-12T21:47:00.003-05:00

There's my babies....all five of them enjoying the ocean. I love the ocean....it's such a calming place for me. It makes me very happy to be there. Every year, I say...."We need to stay longer next time." I hope we carry through with that next year.

I'm back to my "normal" life, and I'm already feeling a little overwhelmed by all there is to do before school starts. I have a new job....a little overwhelming, since I haven't worked "full time" in 12 + years. I am shooting a wedding in two weeks....a little overwhelming, just thinking about the time it takes to edit those thousands of photos. I have a long long long list of things "To Do" before my kids start school....always overwhelming, since I don't have much time or much money. I have to secure a lot of babysitting for my kids over the next few weeks for my new job....a little overwhelming, since my boy doesn't just let anyone sit with him; and I can't really afford the amount of babysitting I am going to need. I have to take care of my mom's needs and would like to actually visit with her from time to time....a little overwhelming, because I'm currently swamped. Addi is starting high school.....a lot overwhelming, because....well my first born will be in high school....SIGH. I looked at her band schedule and from August 1-Christmas....it doesn't look like she has a free Friday or Saturday plus I received the invoice for all of her band "stuff"....HELP ME HENRY! One thing I know....I know for certain is this....The Holy Spirit will be my calming peace through all of this overwhelming stuff!

"Stop worrying long enough to hear My voice. I speak softly to you, in the depths of your being. Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion. As My thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. Thus, My voice is muffled, and you hear only "white noise." Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts. This ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after My own image. Do not be deafened by the noise of the world or that of your own thinking. Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Sit quietly in My Presences, letting My thoughts reprogram your thinking."

Sarah Young....."Jesus Calling"!

Deuteronomy 30:20, Genesis 1:27, Romans 12:2

The Beach

2011-07-07T09:30:00.002-05:00

We are on vacation....woohoo!!! I am loving the beach, the wondrous beauty of the ocean, the amazement and pure awe of what God has created. I am loving the peace and calm He provides through it. I am loving how much my kids are loving. I am loving how much my boy is loving it. I am loving the time just the seven of us are spending together....eating together, talking together, dancing.....a lot of dancing.....together. I am loving sitting on the balcony reading my book. I am loving sleeping with my two youngest, singing "Skinnamarink" to them while I tickle their arms. I am loving touching foreheads with Elli while she sucks her thumb, and I say a goodnight prayer over her in our big comfy bed. I am loving waking up in the middle of the night with both girls snuggled so close to me, that I can barely move. I am loving staring at those peaceful sleeping faces each morning waiting for them to wake up. I will never forget these times. Addi is making a movie of our trip, and I am loving hearing their sweet little voices everytime she plays back a particular part of the movie. I am loving every single minute....just in case you hadn't figured that out. Thanks be to God for these cherished moments of heaven on earth.

VACATION

2011-07-04T21:06:00.002-05:00

We are heading out tomorrow. Loading up, driving a long way, eating in the car, only stopping for emergencies, and then we will arrive.....

....at our dream destination!

We can't wait to get there! We got our house covered, our pets covered, our mail covered, everything covered; so we are outta here. Check back with you in a week or so!

VBS 2011

2011-07-02T00:05:00.003-05:00

VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL HAS COME AND GONE, and it was GREAT!

All 5 of my children had a great week, and for that I am so thankful. Having Cal go to VBS has always been a challenge. Now that he is almost in 7th grade, he doesn't really "go to" VBS. It's designed for children through 5th grade. So for the last several years, Cal has had a youth helper. He should be a youth helper, but since he has not been a fan of VBS and all the ~~chaos~~ fun that it brings; he has not been much of a helper. His youth helper just sort of hangs out with him, plays with him, chases him around, encourages him to try some of the VBS stations, and basically just spoils him rotten.....and I LOVE IT....and do does he! He was so excited to go to VBS this week and play with Ms. Ashley, his youth helper, and every day he got up with a big smile on his face. Ms. Ashley has been his youth helper for the last several years, and she's headed to college in the fall. What will I Cal do without her next summer? I had a great week at VBS as well....leading a 3rd grade class from station to station and sharing the love of Christ with them was amazing....AMAZING! Seeing and listening to all that my children learned was amazing. Seeing my boy so happy.....the best part. Cal attending VBS happily every day....may seem to be a simple triumph for most, but for Cal.....it's a huge triumph! God is so good!

If This Doesn't Make Your Day....You've Got Issues!

2011-06-24T09:25:00.002-05:00

So I went to take photos of Maggie for her first birthday, and Elliot asked if she could go too. She adores Maggie, so I said "Of course!" She wanted to sneak into a few of the photos, so once again I said "Of course!" And boy am I glad that she did! They are so stinkin' sweet, I could eat them with a spoon!

This is my favorite! They were both belly laughing, and it was priceless!

Did You Know?

2011-06-24T08:46:00.003-05:00

Did you know that worrying means you have a lack of faith? Did you know that asking God to forgive you over and over for the same thing can be seen as a mockery of the sacrifice that was made? Did you know that God sees gossip the same as adultery? Did you know that God absolutely adores you, and that person that cut you off in traffic, and that drunk driver who took the life of your loved one in the same way? These are things I've learned over the last several years. These are things that I struggled with, but they are things I know are true. How do I know....The Bible tells me so!

Matthew 6:30

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

Why then do we worry? He will care for you! It may not be in the way you ask or in the time that you ask, but He will care for you! He sent His son to die for us!

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

It doesn't say, He might forgive you....it says He will; so why do we need to keep asking over and over again if we are truly asking for forgiveness the first time?

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, ¹⁰ or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.

Sin is the separation from God....plain and simple....no matter what the sin is!

John 3:16

For God so loved the WORLD, that He gave his one and only son that whomever believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

He loved the WORLD....and all of inhabitants. He created us all in His image! We are all sinners and all do things that break His heart, but that doesn't mean that He doesn't love us. He loves us all....no matter what your sin!

Blessings

2011-06-21T12:42:00.002-05:00

Last night I had the pleasure of having dinner with NPayne to celebrate our anniversary which was last week. I had plans to go over all the "To Do" things that I am wanting "To Do"! Once we got to the restaurant, we began casual conversation about just stuff. It was nice, because we rarely have time to just sit and talk; so we did. We talked a lot about the mission trip that he had just returned from. We talked a lot about some of the struggles I've been facing. We talked a lot about our finances. We talked a lot about our family. We talked a lot about blessings. We talked a lot about Ken, our beloved pastor, who suddenly and unexpectedly died in February. We talked a lot about GOD! I love to talk to my husband about GOD. He always helps me remember what I'm here for. NPayne has a servant's heart and mind. He grew up without a lot, but he knows that he was and is still rich....no matter what the financial situation....no matter what he has or doesn't. He knows that he's rich. I will admit that it's frustrating to me sometimes to not be able to do, repair, go, or buy some of the things I would really like to; but....I too know that I'm rich in blessings. Not in material things, although we do have lots of those too, but in relationships and experiences and life.....in blessings. I think I've written about blessings on my blog before, and what I think being blessed means. I know that having stuff is a gift and living in the country where freedom rings is a gift, but I don't think our things, our stuff, our material items are blessings. I think they are results of circumstances of where we are blessed to live, where we are blessed to work, etc. To me....being blessed....means so much more than having a nice house, 2 good cars, plenty of food, clothes, money, etc. To me....being blessed.....means having the opportunity to work hard, have many freedoms, a healthy life, but mainly being blessed means having relationships that grow you and nurture you....whether those be friends, family, church family or all of the above. I am very thankful for our stuff, but I know that I would be joyful in the Lord if I didn't have it as well. When someone says...."We are so blessed" and is pointing to their large house and car in the driveway....I can't help but think: I wonder how the poverty stricken people who live all over the world feel about that. Are they not blessed because they don't have those things? Honestly I think not....actually I know not. I know there are many people in our world, who don't have stuff, many who don't even have enough food, many who don't have their health; but they are still joyful in the Lord....so in my eyes....they are more blessed than many!

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T21:06:00.005-05:00

It's Father's Day! WOOHOO! I love days that celebrate a particular person...mother's day, father's day, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Easter. I like to lavish everything I have into that day. I will say that NPayne is not as enthusiastic as I am about these days. He downplays most everything. But today was the day to celebrate him. He received many hand made lovelies from his children and...ahem....his wife....see photo above! I made that for him for his desk at work. I simply adore my husband and adore that he adores me and adores our children. We are an adorable family! ;) On a serious note, NPayne is truly the best daddy I could have ever asked for for my babies. He is completely devoted to them. He works hard for them, but his favorite thing to do is be with them. He just loves to be with them....just be with them. It reminds me of how Our Heavenly Father just loves to be with us. He just wants us with Him all the time! NPayne grew up without his dad. He died when he was 1, and he never had a lot of male influence in his life....growing up in a house with a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, 2 sisters, and 2 female cousins. You could say he was surrounded by estrogen. But somehow....he learned. I attribute a lot of that to his mama....who is just a wonderfully, kind, hardworking, lovely woman who is devoted to and loves her family! Basically that's NPayne too....wonderfully, kind, hardworking, lovely man who is devoted to and loves his family. One of the things that attracted me to NPayne when I first met him, besides his long hair and studly appearance ;)....was how kind he was, and the fact that he made me laugh A LOT! He is still that kind and still makes me laugh A LOT! I just want to take a minute to say this....I ADORE YOU NPAYNE and how much you adore me and adore our children! You are the best daddy in the whole world....besides my own daddy who I miss so much! I am so blessed to have had the time I had with my dad and the time my kids had with him. It brings me such joy to imagine Father's Day in heaven spent with the most perfect of Fathers. I wish Elliot could have known her Papa. She is his spitting image, and I wish I could have seen him with her. I know that he would think she's as scrumptious as I do.

But I do know that even though she doesn't know who Papa....he definitely knows her!

Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful daddies in the world!

JOY

2011-06-18T18:47:00.001-05:00

Just wondering.....What brings you joy? Not happiness, but real joy? ANYONE care to share?

I'm AWAKE!

2011-06-17T02:34:00.003-05:00

It's 2:34 a.m., and I am wide awake. I love it when God speaks clearly to me.....even if it is at 2:34 a.m. But because my thoughts tend to run wild in the middle of the night, I am going to wait until the morning before I take any action on what God is telling me! Until then, I guess I'll go watch a little TV!

HE IS TAKING CARE OF ME!

2011-06-15T21:33:00.007-05:00

Do you ever have that undeniable feeling that God is so present at that particular moment? That feeling that you are completely enveloped in HIS love? I know God is present at every moment, but I'm talking about truly feeling His presence....like I could feel His arms around me or His hand holding mine. I had one of those treasures today. I was driving to the private lake where one of my lifelong friends lives. As I was driving, I was wrestling with many thoughts.....many thoughts. I was thinking about the new pastor that is joining our church today. I was thinking about my pastor Ken who I miss dearly. I was thinking about Ken's wife who I admire immensely. Then I started thinking about other trials that have occurred over the last few months, trials that I really wish I could have talked with Ken about....mainly at my job. Many changes have occurred there, and although I think change is a good thing....these changes have been extremely difficult....because they have affected me personally. Not that they haven't affected everyone there in some fashion, but some more than others. I am one of those "SOME"! It has been an extremely difficult few months for me personally, and there have been many things happen that have been so much more painful than I ever imagined. God led me one way, and although it was a leap of faith and a hard decision....I obeyed, because I knew He was telling me to jump. And although the result has not been the way I think it should have been; I am glad that I obeyed His calling. I also know that it will be okay. I do know that it will be okay. From the start of all of this change, I have known that it will be okay....I have known that. With the hurt came many other emotions and confusion, but today....while I was driving....I said out loud...."HE IS TAKING CARE OF ME!" I wasn't really sure why I said that, and then I realized it wasn't me that said it....it was HIM! When I said it, I was almost startled....so much so....that I had to look around to see if anyone else heard what I had heard/said.....to see if they heard His voice as I did. I felt like Jesus was sitting in the passenger seat of my car. It's not that I haven't known all along that HE IS TAKING CARE OF ME, it's that I have been on this unsettling and confusing roller coaster ride (without a seatbelt) for the last few months. Today, for the first time, I felt at complete peace about the change. This doesn't mean that I agree with all the changes being made, but I am at peace with them. I started thinking that maybe He called me to that particular situation just to see if I would say yes and be obedient....maybe the end result wasn't really His goal....maybe me saying "YES" was! I am not sure what lies ahead for me at my job, but what I do know is that it is not something I need to worry about....because HE IS TAKING CARE OF ME!

Happy Anniversary

2011-06-13T19:06:00.002-05:00

Happy 19th Anniversary to the man of my dreams. Although I didn't realize you were the man of my dreams until I met you....once I did....I couldn't have been more blessed by having you as my husband, my companion, my love, my best friend, the father of my children, and so much more. I simply adore you NPayne, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do for our family! You balance me out, you soften me when I'm too hard, you strenghten me when I'm too soft! Although we are not celebrating together today, I am proud to know that you are out doing what you do best....serving others! I miss you terribly and can't wait to see you on Saturday! I LOVE YOU NPAYNE!

I'm Lonely

2011-06-12T21:07:00.004-05:00

In a house full of children, I'm lonely. If you don't watch basketball (or you live under a rock), you wouldn't know that THE DALLAS MAVERICKS are in the play offs for the championship. We are big Mavs fans, but NPayne is really a die hard. He has cheered them on for 20+ years....even when they were the butt of many jokes....because they were so bad. Every game, during the play offs, that he watches is intense and full of excitement for him...win or lose! He won't ever give up on them. I don't watch the game with him, because frankly the games have been neck and neck; and I can't sit through that kind of tension. I just come in at the end to see, and then occasionally watch it replayed. Here in our area, they have been replaying all of the games......COOL! So you might wonder what all of this has to do with me being lonely. Well NPayne is in Louisiana with Addi and a few hundred other people getting ready to start mission work tomorrow. He is not in the living room....clapping loudly, cheering them on, arguing with the refs, etc. It's quiet in my house tonight (even with the other 4 kiddos here), and although I am so glad that they are doing mission work.....I miss hearing him cheer on his team. I am really going to miss seeing his ugly sports victory cry....if they happen to win tonight or Tuesday night. Dallas Mavericks have never won a championship....and just to root them on....watch this . Make sure you mute the music on my blog to hear it! THE TIME IS NOW!

MISSION TRIP

2011-06-11T21:32:00.002-05:00

Several more photos to post, BUT...my life has been busy.

Tomorrow NPayne and my oldest are leaving town and heading to New Iberia Louisiana on a mission trip. Although I have yet to go on a mission trip, I know that I would LOVE it. They have been several times now, and each year they come back more blessed by the experience. My girl had to choose between a trip to Colorado with her girl scout troop and mission trip, and she chose mission trip. She had to choose between a mandatory week of drumline camp and risking losing her spot and mission trip, and she chose mission trip. It makes me happy, and I know it makes God happy, to see that she has been so blessed by serving others, that she can't wait to do it again. Choosing to give up some really important and fun things....but she knows that HE is most important. Being His hands and feet and sharing His love and Holy Spirit is the most important. I will confess that she loves to go for the fellowship and fun they all have together, but my Addi works her tail end off while she's there; and so does NPayne. I will miss them so very much, but one week without them is worth the service they are providing to others. God is so good!

It's Been Bittersweet!

2011-06-08T22:48:00.004-05:00

I took my baby....my first born....my 14 year old daughter....my precious....my wonderful young lady.... to her first high school Bible Study tonight. I cried tonight after I dropped her off as hard as I cried the day she ate her first chicken nugget over 13 years ago. It was bittersweet. Of course I want her to grow and flourish and become the wonderful young lady that she is becoming, BUT....time has flown by so fast....and I know it's only going to get faster! I picked her up from her final day of middle school last week, and we both cried all the way home....and then continued to cry for most of the afternoon! Growing up....a necessary, wonderful part of life that we as parents get to experience....but it is HARD! It's times like these when I have to remember that the hard stuff is so worth it, the bittersweet feelings of watching my babies grow up is worth the enormous unexplainable amount of love that I have for these God given gifts. Having my first born blessing look me in the eye, with those beautiful eyes that look exactly the same as they did when she was 2, tonight and say...."Will you come with me?" It warmed my heart and reiterated that although she is growing up fast....she is still my little girl!

I'm BUSY

2011-06-08T11:34:00.002-05:00

Okay....so I've been BUSY! School ended last Friday, and I haven't had a minute to breathe yet. I've been doing lots of photos....grin! My two youngest had dance recitals....grin! My oldest has band camp....grin! But honestly I'm ready to start my summer! I will slowly start posting photos of the last several photo shoots....and you can always look on my photography blog to check out the latest as well. Of course I have to update it first....grin! To start things off with a wonderful bang....how about these two preciously beautiful sisters! So much fun, so much personality, so much beauty.....inside and out! I love these girls!

Inconsideration.....ONE OF MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES!

2011-06-02T14:12:00.004-05:00

Let me begin this post by saying the following: I don't consider a family of seven (2 adults and 5 children) to be an extremely large family. In fact, I don't even consider five children to be a lot. But....apparently many people do. One thing I've noticed as my children have gotten older and involved in extra curricular activities is this....teachers, coaches, etc. often think that their activity or sport should be the center of your child's life and never consider that their may be other children in your life. I have also noticed that rarely do they take into consideration that you may have another child, to pick up or drop off somewhere, when they decide at the last minute to change practice or have the child stay after school for something. I've also noticed that there seems to be a lack of regard to being prompt. Sure my child may come in a few minutes late, because I had to pick up or drop off another; and be scolded (oftentimes even to the point of humiliation). But it is perfectly okay for them to keep my child 15 minutes later than the activity dismissal time just because they haven't quite perfected whatever they're working on.....hence making one of my other children late to something or wait an extra 15 minutes for me to pick them up. Do you see the cycle here? One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is inconsideration....what I have described above is something that I find to be extremely inconsiderate to me and to my children. It's a fine line we walk....if we nicely inform the teacher, coach, etc. that my child needs to be ready at said pick up time....then we run the risk of them being treated differently because we had the nerve to speak up. If we never address it, then it seems to get worse and worse and eventually I don't want my child to participate in that particular activity any longer....just due to the lack of consideration. I'm a believer in the "Kill Them With Kindness" approach, so that is usually what I do; BUT....I have also been known to vent about this lack of consideration to my children which is not ideal either. I don't want them to feel badly about something they cannot help, but I do want them to know what it means to be considerate and respectful of peoples' time and family. I am going to end this post with this....Thank Goodness It's Summer!

May 28....The Best Day of 1999!

2011-05-28T12:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my second born....my only son....my Lone Ranger....our prince! Happy Birthday to the child who has taught me more about life than I could have ever imagined....the child who does not know how to lie....the child who loves unconditionally....the child who doesn't hold a grudge. Happy Birthday to my very special boy....the boy who was created perfectly by God, and although he has special needs....I know he is perfect in God's eyes. Happy Birthday to the boy who loves mail boxes, trash trucks, trains, his sisters, his daddy, and me! Happy Birthday to the boy who is completely overjoyed by the simplest things in life....who can remember anything you have ever told him....who is neat and tidy....who rarely tells me he loves me but shows me with his expressions. Happy Birthday to the son I had always wanted!

I lavish you with love and adoration, and I thank God for trusting me to teach you about Him and care for you! I love you Callahan Leigh Payne. How have 12 years come and gone so fast?

SUMMER

2011-05-24T21:21:00.002-05:00

Almost summer.....Yahoo!

Looking forward to:

swimming

sleeping in

no make up

having my littles home

sleeping in

getting organized what has been unorganized

BEACH

lots of reading

sleeping in

vacation

VBS

Mission Trip

church activities

less cooking and more grilling

sleeping in

spending lots of family time together

Not looking forward to:

100 + degree temps! UGH!

STORM

2011-05-22T20:13:00.003-05:00

There's a storm going on....it's loud and complete with lightning and thunder....the rain is torrential....there is not a quiet moment....it gives me an uneasy feeling. I know it will end with a rainbow....and for that I am so thankful....since the storm is in my heart!

Eager Elliot The Pirate

2011-05-20T19:03:00.002-05:00

Let me introduce you to Eager Elliot....the cutest pirate in the world. She is not only eager to learn and play, but she is also eager to teach and have fun. It was pirate week at her preschool, and she loved it. The only negative is that she may end up using the word "booty" a little too often and in many other ways than it is intended by pirates! ;)

So far though, she only said it once and then covered her mouth and giggled!

BEAUTIFUL

2011-05-16T15:43:00.003-05:00

Beautiful luncheon...

Beautiful group of women that I work with...

Beautiful tree that was planted in honor of my sweet boss's retirement...

Beautiful committee of church members that made the luncheon so special...

Beautiful children that we teach and love...

Beautiful day...

BIG BUBBLE

2011-05-13T16:04:00.002-05:00

I love this photo. Elliot's preschool teacher took it at school. Our preschool, where all 5 of my kids have gone and I have worked for the last 12 years, is spectacular. I just love it, and I just love Ms. Singleton! What a blessing to be part of such a wonderful school.

Here We Go Again

2011-05-11T03:29:00.003-05:00

So I'm up at 3:30 am, because once again God is speaking to me. I love it when He speaks so clearly, and I guess I do my best listening in the middle of the night. I have been seeking His guidance and His will, and He has told me what to do. Being obedient can be very scary, but it's a good thing to know that you are doing what He tells you to do. I am praying about many things and am asking for Him, to once again, guide me and let me follow. Honestly I was hoping He would guide me a certain way and have tried to steer it that way, but so far; it seems like I'm going in the total opposite direction. Being obedient is hard. I would just ask for prayers that I am truly hearing Him and not my own broken heart or my own self doubt or my own pride, but that it is HIM that I hear. He has been speaking very clearly to me lately, so I am trying to wait patiently for His next move!

Deeper

2011-05-09T16:19:00.002-05:00

We're getting in deeper here, and I'm not completely thrilled about it. I was feeling like I wanted to move a few months ago, then my beloved pastor died and that all changed. I felt like I needed my church family so much. Now that feeling is creeping back in, and I keep thinking about moving. My daughter will be starting high school next year, and she has auditioned and made varsity honors drumline....deeper. My kids are really attached to their children's pastor and youth pastor....deeper. Our church is like a second home....deeper. My children have some wonderful friends....deeper. NPayne and I don't have a job secured anywhere else (I don't have a job secured here, so that doesn't really count)....deeper. I am feeling smothered here, and I keep thinking I want to dig myself out and move on; but I have to remember that I have a family who are very happy here. Being content is up to the individual...you choose not to be content, so I am going to try to choose TO BE content! Pray that I will!