It's Been A Minute!

 Hey,

It's been a minute, since I've written here.  I still write a lot, but I have kept it mostly to myself over the last few years.  Today, I was thinking about something that has been on my mind recently, and I decided to share it here too...in case it resonated with anyone else.  This is my experience and may not resonate with you,  and that's okay too.  

I have always struggled with my own body image particularly how much I weigh.  I remember going to my pediatrician for my checkup, when I was 5 years old, and the doctor telling my mom I was 5 pounds overweight and should go on a diet and play outside more (which I already did).  So of course, my mom immediately followed his advice and started me on a diet he suggested.  I remember exactly what I ate every day for that week to lose 5 pounds:  2 boiled eggs for breakfast, 1 small filet and sliced tomatoes for lunch and a green salad with a dash of Italian Dressing for dinner....no snacks in between.  It was actually food I already enjoyed, so that part was fine.  But as I have thought back on this time and time again, I realized that I was an active 5 year old; and that was not enough nourishment for a child.  From that moment on, I remember thinking that I was too fat.  I was 5 years old.  Through the remainder of my school years, I  worried about my weight regularly. I remember swimming at the public pool in 8th grade and playing pool games....dunking each other, tag, marco polo, chicken, etc.  One of my good friends (who happened to be a boy) grabbed my calf during one of the games and said that it was beefy.  He was kidding, but I did not take it that way at the time, and it has stuck with me all these years.When I was in middle school, my mom took diet pills, so she started giving them to me when I shared being concerned about my size.  I was a size 2/4  and never had a doctor tell me or my mom I was overweight again, but it was always in the back of my mind.   In high school, I continued taking diet pills and constantly thinking I was not the size I should be.  I never got above a size 4 in high school.  Years later, after I had birthed all 5 of my children, one of my girls who was in 2nd grade at the time and wore 6x or 7 in little girls' clothes, found my cheerleading uniforms and wanted to wear one for Halloween.  She could not even get it zipped, because it was so tiny.  That was a clarifying moment for me.   As I watched my 2nd grader struggle to zip the skirt, that I had easily worn as an 18 year old, I realized how I had grossly misconceptualized my size and weight for basically my entire life until that very moment.  I wanted my children to learn to take care of themselves by eating healthy, being active, getting enough sleep, etc.   I had always been very conscientious about what my kids ate, but I started really paying attention to what was in the food I was feeding them.  It was a few years later that I got serious about my own health after suffering from a TIA, terrible gerd and chronic pain.  In 2013, I had given up soda (for me it was Coke) and bread for lent and lost 20 pounds easily.  It was then that I realized that even though I thought I was eating healthier foods (which I sort of was) and exercising, I needed to also start really paying attention to what was in the food I was feeding myself and how it worked for and against my body.  That summer, I started clean eating and lost 40 more pounds.  I initially was so thrilled that I was thin, but it became more than that for me as I felt better mentally and physically.  My gerd and chronic pain was manageable  as I had targeted foods which cause inflammation in my body and affected how my brain worked.  As the years have passed, I have realized that my own poor body image still lingers and will always be a struggle for me, but I have also realized that taking care of my body and my mind in the best way I can needs to be the focus. I have also realized that denying myself things I love does not work well for me, so I do still splurge once or twice a week, but I balance it out throughout the rest of the week.   I still always have a goal weight and a certain way I want to feel in my clothes, but I maintain it in a much healthier way than I used to.  I still look at myself often and have to talk myself into positive thoughts.  It will always be a work in progress for me.  I do want to clarify something in regards to my mom.  She always did what she thought was best for me.  I know that to be 100% true.  She did, what many parents do (including myself) and projected her own insecurities on me to try to keep me from having the same experiences and negative feelings that she did.  I know people always say things like "It was different back then", and it was.  Remember I grew up during a time when smoking was allowed basically everywhere you went, drinking soda instead of water was the norm, and nobody wore sunscreen. 

Beginnings/Endings

 Hi,

Long time, no write.....it's not because I don't have things to say.  I just haven't shared them here.  I've been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings lately.  Maybe that's because we are entering our last child's senior year in high school.  Her graduation will be a huge end of an era for us.  Today while I was thinking about my youngest and reminiscing about the last, almost 18 years, memories would pop into my head.  Times I had been afraid, overjoyed, sad, amused, proud, etc.  One memory that popped into my thoughts happened when she was a baby.  I was out of town, and Neil had taken the kids over to some family friends' house, who we were once very close with, to swim.  In the matter of a few seconds, Elli fell into the pool. When he explained it to me later, he said it was so quiet that nobody even heard her fall.  The mother, whose house he was at, saw her fall in and immediately jumped in and saved her.  Typing it now makes me emotional, because of how differently it could have turned out. We are no longer friends with that family, and I have not thought of them in many years; but today I thought of her with gratitude.  Our lives would have been forever changed in those few seconds had she not had her eyes on Elli.  Although the friendships didn't last, and I would not want to reconnect; I am indebted  to her.  I believe that people come in and out of your life for different reasons.  I also believe that endings make way for beginnings.; and I am loving all the beginnings!  Senior year....here we come!!

My Love For Church

 About 2 years ago, I started attending a new church.  It was new for me, because I had attended the same church for almost 24 years at the time.  It was new for the church, because...well...it was a new church that had opened about 9 months before I started attending.  Over the last 2 years, I'll admit that I have not always gone in person on Sundays for various reasons. If I did not attend, I would spend my Monday conference period at school listening to the sermon while I worked.  Church has been the start of my week for over 20 years.  I fell in love with the pastors, Joy and Elizabeth, and the heart of the church.  It was the first time I had been in church in over a decade where I felt 100% accepted and loved.  There was no pettiness or hidden agenda, there was LOVE.  I will admit that I did not serve on any committees or behind the scenes at this church, because of the ugliness I had encountered previously.  I wanted a space that was pure, and although I know that no church is pure; this one felt that way to me.  Today they closed the doors on that space for the last time, and although I am so incredibly sad and disappointed; I am extremely grateful.  I met two of the most incredible leaders I have ever known.  They are two of the wisest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, who share themselves and their calling better than just about anyone I have ever met.  The only other teacher who helped me connect with God as well was my pastor, Ken Diehm.  Church has been a hard place for me for many years.  For a long time, it was my favorite place to be.  Then for a long time, it was not.  Over the last 2 years, it had once again become a place I longed for and looked forward to.  I know a building is not necessary to worship and feel connection, but I am a person who likes being physically in a community of people to worship and feel connected.  Some of my best friends and my kids' best friends have come from attending church.  I'm not sure where I'll be next Sunday or the next or the one after that, but I know I will hold onto the welcome space this church brought me after so many years of feeling out of place.  Thank you Uptown Church, Joy and Elizabeth...because of you I fell in love with church again. 

Well Done, Good And Faithful Servant!

Matthew 25:23

Priorities

 Last night while I was getting ready to walk, I was thinking about how much I did not want to be getting ready to walk.  I'm tired and busy and unmotivated, but then I walked anyway.  While I was walking, I was thinking about how we spend our time, money, resources, etc.  Aside from absolute obligations, like work/school/caregiving, the way we spend our spare/extra time is completely up to us.  And what a gift that is!  Many of us will say things like, "I'm too busy to help with ????" or "I don't have the money to do ????" or "I can't attend that ?????" when in reality we aren't, do, and can; but we choose to do something else.   I've learned that how, what and when we spend our time and money on (besides the musts) are the things that are priorities to us.  If you tithe, that's a priority.  If you don't, it's not.  If you volunteer for something, it's a priority.  If you don't, it's not.  If you attend that optional meeting, it's a priority to you.  If you don't, it's not.  If you go to the party, it's a priority to you.  If you don't, it's not.  And then there are the times when you have to choose between two things, and the one you choose most likely is the priority.  Life is a series of choices, and we unknowingly or knowingly prioritize our choices by what is important to us.  It's okay to say no to things (this took me a long time to figure out), and sometimes we say yes to things purely because they are important to someone that we care about which prioritizes ourselves and someone we love (both very important). We are often faced with a choice of 2 or more things that are both important, and then we have to make a difficult decision of which to choose. Priorities may change over time as well.  For instance, last night I was walking and sweating and wishing I was not, but exercise is more of a priority to me at this time in my life; so I made the choice to do it.  Twenty years ago, exercise was not a priority for me; so I made the choice not to do it.  Most of us are fortunate enough to be able to make life choices for ourselves.  Sometimes they are not our first choice, but they are a priority.

The Little Things

 Something I've learned over the last few years: there are "little" things in your life that are important to you that might not be important to other people.  Things that are not that "little" to you but seem so to others.  Maybe you need your bed made every day, because it helps set the tone for your day or unclutter your mind.  Maybe you need quiet time every morning to help you get grounded.  Maybe you need encouragement from your team at work to validate and confirm that you are on the right track.  Maybe you need a few days to process information, so that you can utilize it in the most appropriate way for the situation.  Maybe you need to vent a whole lot before you react to something.  Whatever it may be, there are things.  I have a lot of little things that impact me...most have to do with all kinds of clutter:  clutter of the mind, space, senses, etc.  I have always liked organization, but I have lived with clutter for a long time without seemingly being phased.  I didn't love it, but it did not impact my overall mental and physical health the way it does now.  Many years ago, I had a serious head trauma and years later a series of mini strokes and a TIA.  After the last bout, I realized that I am extremely ADD.  I don't remember being ADD in my younger years and my neurologist confirmed that it definitely could have onset after the strokes.  With this onset of ADD, it has made things much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.  My brain is tired a lot.  It works extra hard, and it is exhausting for my body and spirit as well.  It has taken me a few years to develop some successful coping mechanisms on my own.  But I also need the assistance of others in circumstances where we cohabitate together:  work, home, etc. A suggestion I have is to let your people know how these "little" things impact you both negatively and positively and tell them WHY.  If they know why, they will have understand and respect the importance; because remember these things may hold little value if any to them.  If they know why and don't respect the importance, you may have a bigger issue.  But if you don't tell them, you are not giving them the opportunity to understand.  Communication is key!

CONTROL

It's local election time around here which stirs up all the things.  Local election time used to be cool, but now it's not.  In particular our school board election used to be exciting, now it's terrifying.  What was once an amicable race has turned into political chaos.  It doesn't seem to be focused on the good of the students, teachers, tax payers but focused on control. When I started teaching in a public high school 5 years ago, it was a huge eye opener. Some of the things kids deal with are harder than things I have ever dealt with in my 56 years of life.  What I wish would happen is that all of the board members would spend one full week in my school, all day for 5 days. I wish they would spend time in all levels of classes, from AP to resource.  I wish they would sit with some of my students and listen to their stories.  I wish they would know them like I do and see the repercussions from decisions being made.   I wish they would experience the sadness when they hear their struggles and the joy when they get to be part of their successes.  I wish they would see that we are diverse and come from many places, and that we don't all fit in the same few boxes.  The different points of view, backgrounds, stories of others is part of learning and growing and what makes the world beautiful.  I hope our community can embrace it instead of trying to control it.  The only thing that should be controlled is your own behavior and actions.  You cannot control other people's actions, you can only control your reactions. 

Pavlova!

 I recently went on a food adventure with one of my lifelong friends.  Kelli and I both LOVE baking shows, especially The Great British Baking Show.  She's crushing on Noel, and I'm crushing on Paul Hollywood. After last season, we decided we needed to experience the deliciousness of a Pavlova.  I had never had one, and I don't think she had either.  I contemplated, very briefly, attempting to make one but quickly decided against it; so the search was on.  We discovered a restaurant just a hop, skip and jump away and off we went.  The Aussie Grind serves an aussie style breakfast or lunch.   We planned our trip, so we could choose between the two depending on the time of day; although I'm not one to be conformed to certain types of food at certain times of the day.  Breakfast and lunch are both served all day.  It is a quaint little place, and we were greeted by the friendliest hostess who was, in fact, Australian....BONUS POINTS!  We decided to split an entree and a few desserts, including the Pavlova.  They also have many delicious beverages, including boozy ones, to choose from.  Kelli gave me full reign of the menu, so I ordered the Avo Mash for us to share.  It came with two pieces of avocado toast served on hippie loaf with cherry tomatoes, charred corn, pickled onion, danish feta, baby arugula, and beet whipped cream cheese.  We each got to choose how we wanted our egg cooked that topped it.  After the first bite, I knew that I would be visiting this place again.  Kelli and I both decided that this might have been the best avocado toast that had ever graced our taste buds.  For dessert, of course we ordered the Pav Smash which is made of smashed pavlova, fresh whipped cream, fresh berries and chocolate drizzle; and we also shared an Affogato.  Now y'all know I have a huge sweet tooth and how I feel about coffee, so this Affogato was the icing on the cake or pavlova!  .  I have thought about that meal several times, because the food was amazing, but also because of the conversations shared with one of my dearest friends.  Kelli told me that one of her goals for 2023 was to say "yes", and that is one of mine as well.  Apparently I'm middle aged now, who knew, and I am going to enjoy as much of what's left of my life as I possibly can.   I plan to do things I've been wanting to do for my whole life as well as things I enjoy doing regularly.  I'm going to France this summer, getting the good concert tickets, wearing what I want, caring for my mind and body.  With that being said, I am saying "no" to some things as well...overcommitting to things I don't want to do, relationships that need to end, a cluttered space and a cluttered mind.  The more I've thought about our conversations that day, the more I've realized that it has been a very very long time since I have chosen me, for the pure sake of choosing me.  The time is now, because some of the truest words ever spoken are "We aren't promised tomorrow".

THREE YEARS!

 Three years ago this week, the world started to shut down.  I am still in complete awe thinking about the entire world being affected so immensely by the same thing.  There are so many places I will never visit and have not even heard of which were affected.  Throughout history, many people in different parts of the world are affected by similar or the same things while others are not affected at all.  This was a time when we were all affected by the same thing.  It sill baffles my mind.  I've thought a lot about the pandemic over the last few months as I reflect on things that changed as a result, both positive and negative. 

I have thought more lately about the positive changes that came from that time, and I sometimes wonder why it took a pandemic for us to think of these things.  These are a few things that have been a positive in my opinion: 

1.  Required appointments at the DMV.

2. All the curbside pick ups and deliveries at all the stores, including liquor, which I don't utilize but still a good idea.  Get your margaritas and drink at home instead of driving after.

3.  Webex/Zoom/etc. meetings.  While I believe some meetings are necessary in person, I think having the ability to meet over Webex/Zoom/etc. have made things much more convenient for so many.

4.  Worshipping online.  This wasn't necessarily an idea born out of the pandemic, but I feel like it encouraged and introduced many people to worship online.  For me, who would have never done this prior, I have found many different worship experiences that I can listen to, watch, participate in online.  My church experience had become quite stagnant and unfulfilling which I know is partly my frame of mind.  During the pandemic, I not only visited different churches that were open in person, but I also began to listen to many.  It has definitely refreshed my worship experience. 

5. Exercising at home.  This has always been hard for me as I am not the most motivated when it comes to exercise.  Getting started is the hardest part for me.  Once I get started, I start to feel better which in turn provides motivation.  Another thing that has motivated me in the exercise department is money.  If I'm paying for something, I tend to stick with it.  However when everything was closed, I had to get creative.  My exercise at home ebbs and flows, but I have found many great free programs on YouTube and other places to use.

6.  Online tutorials and lessons.  This has been exceptionally grand for my daughter who has a private tutor.  Instead of using 45 minutes to an hour just for drive time, in addition to the hour tutorial, she now has her tutorial sessions in her bedroom and can refer back to the whiteboard notes her tutor uses for several weeks.  This was the same for music lessons, although not ideal for her, they were able to continue.

7. Another thing that has been huge for me is online therapy sessions.  I meet with a psychiatrist once a month for about 5 minutes, so she can check in on the sleep medication she prescribed.  I don't have to drive somewhere for a 5 minute check in.  I have also found a therapist, who I love, but she lives in the Panhandle.  If it weren't for the pandemic, I would have never met her.  She is the best and has been just what I needed.

For the most part, I do think interacting with people in person is always the best; but there are times when that can't happen or when it makes more sense (out of convenience) to meet online.  

To Resolution or Not to Resolution!

 Happy 2023!!!  Here's to a new year!! Here's to you!  Here's to me! I don't do resolutions, but instead I do "things to look forward to trying to do".  My whole family does this practice as a tradition. In other words, it's by force....sort of 😂!  I can't remember where I heard this suggestion, but I adopted it for my family and love it.  Every year at the beginning of the new year, we each write personal "things to look forward to trying to do" or wishes or dreams or whatever you wanna call them on a small piece of paper and put it in our Christmas stockings without sharing it with anyone else.  On Christmas of that same year, so nearly a full year later, we open them up and read them aloud to each other.  So in reality, any of us could make them into resolutions if they choose.  Mine are not resolutions.  I gave up resolutions years ago, because I discovered that my resolutions were bringing me down instead of lifting me up. They were not set in joy but set in frustration or fear.  My best friend told me that someone told her you create your vision board out of love, not out of disdain or doubt or sadness.  After thinking about this, I realized that this is what we do each year on those little pieces of paper.  We write down things we dream about doing or aspire to do.  Mine are always written with a posture of love and joy, and I hope my family's are as well.  When I read my list from last year, I was pretty happy about being able to do many of the "things I looked forward to trying to do", because they are things that I knew I would enjoy. 

 Here is my list: 

Write more!

Read More!

Learn how to make cream puffs!

Exercise regularly!

Save $!

Go on adventures!

Go on a family trip!

Live music!

So if you do resolutions, you do you, but maybe think about the posture and attitude in which you plan for 2023!!  

Do everything in love!  1 Corinthians 16:14

Choose To Be Happy

 When you are plagued by depression, sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming that it seems you will never escape it.  And if you do make your way out, you may still not feel happiness.  In fact, indifference may be as good as it gets.  Sometimes in the thick of sadness, you wonder if you've ever been happy at all.  But then you remember that you have, it just seems like another lifetime and just out of your grasp.  

Happiness is not something you can "choose" over sadness.  It is oftentimes not obtainable, no matter how good things are going for you, how good your life is, or how much you are loved.  It's not possible.  If it were possible, it seems those suffering overwhelming sadness would certainly "choose to be happy", wouldn't they?

Telling someone to "choose to be grateful" or "choose to be happy" or "choose to look at the positives" is not encouraging and absolutely not helpful to a person who is not in the mindset to do so....it is in fact discouraging and hurtful.  It can make them feel inadequate, unheard and stupid.  

When you are supporting someone with depression or many other mental health illnesses, sometimes you just listen. You may not understand their suffering, but even if you do; you just listen. By listening, they know that you are not here to minimalize their pain, dismiss their sadness, or provide quick fixes for them; but you are here and they are heard.

After listening to a group of students, who are or have been, moderately and/or severely depressed; the above is what I gleaned from their conversations.