Happy Birthday Dad!

For the first time in a while, I have a little downtime.  I sit in my dark, quiet house and think and cry and think.
One of my lifelong friend's dad's died unexpectedly Friday morning....the same day as my mother-in-law's funeral.  As I sat in the church yesterday and listened to the Latin Mass, I thought about him....her dad.  And I thought about him....my dad.  And I watched them....my other friend with both of her parents there.  I smiled as I remembered things her dad would say and do when we were younger, and I thought about my dad.  I thought about the things that he did that drove me nuts, and I smiled; because I found myself thinking that those things would still drive me nuts even though I miss my dad like crazy.  I thought about how my friend told us that her dad would tuck her in at night like a papoose, so he could hug and kiss her until she laughed.  I thought about how my dad would always kiss and hug me goodbye and hello.  I thought about how she didn't get to say goodbye to her dad, because he died before she got there.  I thought about the last things I said to my dad, and the smiles on his face even though he could no longer speak.  I thought about my friend sitting with both of her parents, who are approaching their 80th birthdays; and I wondered....does she know how fortunate she is?  Of course she does, but does she really?  Today is my dad's birthday.  He would have been 72.  This year marks 10 years since he left this earth, and yes my life has carried on....all of ours have....but it has not been the same.  My kids no longer have the luxury of a living grandparent...not even one.  My grandparents were so instrumental in my life, and it makes me sad to know my children will miss out on that.  They have so much support from family and friends, and I am so thankful for that; but it will never be the same.  Happy Birthday Dad aka Papa aka Russ!  We miss you like crazy!

Rest In Peace Madalyn

Sometimes life is hard, actually sometimes it just sucks!  My sweet mother-in-law, Madalyn, died last Saturday.  She was sick, and nobody could figure out how to make her well; and we are heartbroken.  It's so surreal and weird right after someone who is such an integral part of your life is no longer there in physical form.  Listening to stories about her, I learned quite a bit this past week. From what I understand, she could be quite a feisty lady in her younger years.  I've known Madalyn for almost 26 years, and I may have seen a little feistiness; but what I know is this:

she was kind and gentle and caring!  She loved us unconditionally and would do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING, for us!  She loved me from the start as her own without hesitation and always embraced the relationship that NPayne and I share.  When we found out we were expecting our first baby, my mom said...."Now I am not going to be a built in babysitter", and Madalyn happily chimed in with...."I will".  Of course once Addi was born, my mom's tune quickly changed; but Madalyn already knew.  She loved hard and hearty and wholly, and it was the kind of love that filled you to the brim so full you could explode.  I honestly cannot remember a time that I saw her angry....in 26 years....I don't remember seeing her angry.  I get angry about 26 times/week, so this is something I have always admired in her.  She is where NPayne and Addi get their laid back and easy going disposition, and where B gets her love of life and joyful spirit (and her nose ;)).  We were driving to NPayne's sister's house today to visit with the family, who came in town for the funeral, and I found myself thinking of something I needed to tell Madalyn when we got there; and then I remembered....

Adjusting to the new normal is never easy, and it's oftentimes unpleasant and very very hard, but I know it happens.  Things will never be the same, they just won't.  NPayne's Uncle Don wrote something about Madalyn that I think describes the kind of person she was perfectly.  Uncle Don is NPayne's dad's brother, Madalyn's brother-in-law.  NPayne's dad died when he was 13 months old, and Madalyn didn't talk about him much.  I don't think it was because she didn't want to, but it was because it was just too difficult.  Over the years, we had learned a lot about him from Uncle Don.  I knew the person she was, but if you didn't; you would by reading what Uncle Don wrote about her. 

Here it is:

I will try to make this as brief as possible, but it is difficult to tell, in a short synopsis, of what Madalyn did for me. 

I was the caregiver to my brother, Al, from the age of 12 to 17. Madalyn and her mother, sister, moved into the duplex apartment my mother rented. She was engaged at that time to a military soldier serving in Viet Nam. When he returned from Viet Nam they broke off the engagement, and she began spending more time with Al. She would feed him, watch TV, and talk.

In June of 1960, they married. Up until that time, I was going to graduate from High School and continue to care for Al. But, because Madalyn had come into our lives, my future changed. She committed herself to care for Al, and she did so for the next 12 years until his death in 1972. I cannot think of another woman that would give up her life to care for a man in my brothers condition. In all the years she cared for Al, I cannot remember a single time she ever complained. They had a wonderful life together, and had three amazing children, Melody, Melinda, and Neil. 

I look back over the past 55 years of my life, and I realize that everything I have accomplished, is because a woman named Madalyn stepped in, and took over my duties as caregiver. For that I will be eternally grateful. She gave my brother a quality of life that I, nor any other person could offer. Al was totally paralyzed, could not breath without the use of a rocking bed and chest respirator, could not feed himself, but one thing he could do was let you know he was the master of the house, and Madalyn just went along and let him think he was. 

Madalyn was a truly wonderful, caring, and remarkable woman, a woman that took on a challenge no other would attempt to even consider, and I  cannot begin to put into words what that meant to me. So--Thank you Madalyn, I probably didn't tell you as often as I should have, how much I loved you. You gave me my life, and my brother a life he could never have imagined. I look at my wife, my children and grandchildren, and realize how different my journey would have been if you had not come into my life. I look at Melody, Melinda and Neil, and your grandchildren and realize that Al's journey would most certainly have taken a different path, had you not come into his life. 

Thanks for everything you did. 

Don 

Madalyn

My mother-in-law has been very ill.  She is currently in ICU but finally stabilized.  The doctors have been baffled, and it took several days to get her stable.  NPayne has been visiting her regularly, in between work, and home.  The first night she was in ICU, he came home; and I could tell it was wearing him down.  After losing both my parents, I know the torment of wanting what's best for you ailing parent, wanting them here with you, wanting no more suffering, the exhaustion of the worry and driving back & forth, and the WAITING!  He filled me in, and as he was about to walk out of our room I said; It doesn't matter how prepared you think you are, you won't be.  He nodded through weepy eyes, a quivery voice; and said I know.  It's stressful when your parent is ailing....one of the most stressful things I've endured.  I don't know if everyone will agree with this next statement or not, but I felt so blessed to be with both of my parents at the time of their death.  It broke my heart in a million pieces, and the pain is more than I can describe in words; but I was so glad they knew I was there with them.  We are praying for Madalyn to get better, it's going to be a long recovery.  I am praying for my husband and his sister as they travel back & forth to be with their mom.

TIA

I saw my doctor last Friday and my cardiologist on Monday. After they discussed everything, I finally had some results from what sent me to the hospital a few weeks ago. It appears I suffered from a Transient Ischemic Attack aka TIA. Basically it's a mini stroke which resolves itself and leaves no permanent damage. They can be caused by several things. Mine was caused by a piece of plaque that broke off my carotid and traveled  to my brain. Yesterday I had a heart catheterization to see if there were any blockages in my heart. Thankfully, my heart looks great! My cardiologist said it was the best heart he had seen all day.:)  My blood pressure is crazy low, and they aren't sure what to do about that yet. Most medications they would prescribe lower blood pressure which is definitely not what I need. My vision is still extremely blurred, there is loud ringing in my ears and I am struggling a lot with memory and staying focused; but I'm thankful my not so perfect heart is more perfect than I originally thought.  This year, I am diving in to many things I might not normally do; and I am excited about the experiences and adventures ahead.  Life is short....live it!

The Senior Session I'll Never Forget!

I lay in my bed most of today, and it was GOOOOOOOD!  I enjoyed looking at Pinterest and watching multiple episodes of Property Brothers and Chopped.  I was trying to motivate myself to get up and go to the photo shoot that was scheduled for 4:00.  Fortunately the weather was quite nice which made it a little easier to get up, showered and ready.  It's not that I wasn't looking forward to the shoot, it's just that I was enjoying being lazy.  I arrived at the park right at 4:00 and promptly received a text from her....the senior I had never met but was about to photograph.  I always get a little nervous shooting people I've never met....even seniors.  When you don't know someone, you have NO idea what to expect as far as their demeanor and personality.  What I did know was that she was very courteous and polite from our email exchanges.  Right away I liked her.  She was very gracious and easy going.  She reminded me a lot of my Addi.  We chatted a bit and made small talk about  how the session would go.  We walked for a long time to get to where I wanted to start the shoot...stopping along the way to capture an image or 2.  Somewhere along the way back, she told me that her dad had passed away last January.  When she said this, I felt a big lump form in my throat.  I wanted to throw my arms around her and squeeze her tight and tell her "I know how you feel", but I stopped myself.  She probably would have thought I was even quirkier than I come off during small talk.  We finished the session, and it was such an enjoyable experience for me.  I kept looking at her face, wondering if I really "knew how she felt".  She seemed so strong.  Her dad died when she was a junior in high school.  Mine died when I was 38....he got to watch me graduate, walk me down the aisle, meet my wonderful husband, enjoy 4 of his 5 grand babies.  We had 38 years together.  She had less than half that time.  We bid our farewells, and I walked to my car. As soon as I got in, I text Addi to tell her that her friend from school was such a lovely person and reminded me of her.  She text me back...."I like her."  Then I sat there a minute pondering what had just happened, thinking about her last year after losing her dad;  and I kinda wished I had thrown my arms around her and squeezed her tight.  I think she probably would have held on and squeezed back, and then tears would come....mine for sure...I don't know about hers.  I kinda feel like she would be strong for me instead of me being strong for her.  I spent an hour with her, but I felt like I had known her a long time.  This time next year, she probably won't remember who I am; but I think I'll hold onto that hour for the rest of my life.  And then I cried all the way home.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE! Merry Christmas!

Every year for as long as we have been parents, we have kept Christmas as much on the down low as possible as far as gift giving goes.  We reeled in my parents many years ago and explained that it wasn't about the gifts.  Sure they knew that, but these are their grand babies for pete's sake; and they enjoyed watching them open a plethora of gifts.  From the time Addi was old enough to understand Christmas, she always asked for a "surprise" from Santa.  I admit, ahem, that was coached on our part; but it worked out well for us.  Never a disappointment with a surprise.  I mean....it's a surprise, so she was always happy.  Over the last few years, the kids have gotten more specific on their wants; and as they've gotten older....the gifts get a little a lot more pricey.  What they do know is that they receive one gift from Santa and one gift from mom and dad....2 gifts on Christmas Day.  They usually get a modest individual gift from grandma and one big group gift from her, and until this year they each received a modest gift from Moo (my mom).  Aunt Melinda gives them spending money, and my cousin and aunt get them a little something too.  We have been very deliberate in not going overboard with gifts or expectations.   They may have had some disappointments in the past, but they have always been very good about not showing it if they did.  They respect our financial limitations and decisions about gift giving, and they know that there are so many who don't receive near what they do.  This year was our fist year without my mom, and I can say that she probably loved Christmas more than anyone I know.  She loved the meaning, but she really really loved the giving.  She was always very generous with so many....including those she didn't know.  Being an only child, I was showered with gifts each Christmas.  My mom always use to say that I was spoiled but not spoiled rotten, because I never asked for anything in particular and was happy with anything I received.  When I think back, that was pretty much true...especially as I got older.  The gifts aren't what I remembered or looked forward to. I loved going to my Mamaw's and Papaw's house and waking up there on Christmas morning....not for presents but for presence.  My grandparents were instrumental in helping me form my faith, and they were also very frugal.  They made sure I knew the meaning of Christmas.  I loved how they lived so richly but yet so simply.  I actually enjoyed washing dishes in the sink, because they never owned a dishwasher.  I loved picking vegetables from their garden and shelling peas to eat for supper.  I loved my Mamaw's tiny silver Christmas tree and never watching TV, except Johnny Carson (and it had nothing to do with the fact that they only had 2 channels).  I loved picking cotton with my Uncle Mike and my Papaw...by hand and then one day on the tractor...when they finally bought one.  I loved walking down to the railroad tracks, right next to the house where I lived as a baby, to put pennies on the tracks.  I loved that my Papaw took me fishing and let me sit in his lap to steer the boat.  I loved that he let me swing his gavel in the courtroom of the Anson courthouse where he served as the judge of Jones County for as long as he was allowed.  I loved going to the beauty shop that my cousins (on my dad's side) owned while my Mamaw got her hair done every Friday.  I loved the drugstore for coke floats, and driving into Abilene to go to the mall to buy Easter shoes.  I loved that old farmhouse that Papaw built on his own, and my Uncle Mike's old pickup truck.  I loved that Mamaw and Uncle Mike loved cats and had plenty of them.  I loved that Mamaw would sleep with me when I visited, and I would fall asleep to her telling me nursery rhymes and tickling my arm.  I loved helping her find rocks for her rock garden, and I loved showing people her rock garden when they would stop by for a visit. So I guess my longing for living more simply has always been a part of who I am, and I want it to be a part of who they are.  I want my kids to know that it isn't about the presents but about the presence.  NPayne, on the other hand, grew up without a lot.  His mama worked hard to take care of her family, but sometimes they did without.  He LOVES to be able to give to the kids, and we have had to compromise on this throughout the years. He agrees that it's not about the presents but the presence as well, but he does want to give the kids something grand; since they only get 1 gift from us and 1 from Santa.  These 2 gifts usually take a lot of planning and discussing before we agree on what to get them...me trying to keep it simple, and he trying to make it big.  We grew up very differently....me never doing without, and him doing without a lot.  Neil works hard for his family and really wanted to give the girls something that would be way out of the norm and lift their spirits.  We shook things up a bit this year.  Since there would be no gift from my mom, we let the kids draw names and buy a gift for each other.  They were into it and really seemed to enjoy it.  But then we really surprised the girls.  They each got their one gift from Santa, some specified and some not, and a group gift from mom and dad instead of grandma.  When they saw the group gift from us, they assumed that was all (since they usually get that from grandma); and they were happy with what they had gotten.  Recording equipment is a very nice group gift if I do say so myself, and they knew this right away.  Then I handed each of them a small brown lunch sack...trying to keep it inconspicuous.  They were so overwhelmed and surprised by what was inside that they stared in amazement and then the tears came.  They would have gladly given back everything they received for this one gift (except maybe Elli, who really loves her baby doll), but they won't have to....at least not this year.  Next year, it will be back to a little more simplicity.  One of the good things about this gift is that it covers the presents and the presence, since we will be going to see TAYLOR SWIFT together.  There will be a lot of loud singing and dancing involved which we are pretty good at already, and I can't wait to see the excitement on their faces come next October.  The most ironic part about it all is that those concert tickets didn't cost as much as a used guitar from Santa, but you would have thought we bought them the world. And this year....we did!

Mother of the Year....I Am Not!

I'm coming clean....I'm not a Christmas person. I trudge through the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tonight, CHRISTMAS EVE, I yelled at my daughters. It wasn't because I'm not a Christmas person, or because they did anything wrong; it was because I'm head over heels grieving. I miss my parents. I'm concerned about so many of my loved ones who are dealing with loss too. Christmas Eve is suppose to be spent with my mom and dad, and for the first time in my life; it was spent with neither. I planned on looking at Christmas lights with a warm drink and comfy clothes, and I thought that would mask that empty feeling. It didn't. So tonight, I am definitely not mother of the year. But I am a blessed mother, because my girls each gave me a kiss and accepted my apology.

Happy Birthday Mom, Sandy, Moo!

Yesterday was my mama's birthday.  The kids and I went to the cemetery to leave some flowers and share some of our favorite memories.  We laughed some and cried a lot.  I hadn't been to the cemetery since her funeral.  It was good to go.  On the way, Drew asked me why I chose that particular cemetery for Moo and Papa.  I told her that I have never thought of cemeteries as creepy places but more of a beautiful, spiritual place; and this particular one was very private and very lovely.  My girls are really deeply sad, I would ask that anyone reading this would pray intentionally for them.  My mama is celebrating with Jesus, and that helps fill up my broken heart.  After all of those years of not being able to walk, I can imagine her dancing.

My Not So Perfect Heart

Been under the weather, not as in a cough (although I've had that), or stuffy nose, or temperature or tummy bug; but as in I can't focus, have blurred vision, a distant (very distant pulse), chest pain, shortness of breath, tingling and numbness in my arm and face.  After some odd symptoms and abnormal tests, I spent 2 days in the hospital last week.  I was released with no results or information, except....go see your cardiologist.  The hospital staff was amazingly kind and helpful, but I came home with nothing more than I entered with except a few more holes in my arms and a huge bill.  While Neil was driving me to the ER, I was scared...maybe one of the most scared times I can remember in a long time.  My mind was not working right, and I couldn't speak; but I was trying so hard, so so hard to remember the last thing I said to each of my children.  I couldn't, and I began to pray...."Lord, give me one more day; so I can see them and write them that letter and tell them goodbye.  Lord, let me kiss and hug them one more time.  Lord, PLEASE!"  And He did, because here I am.  When I was being transferred from the ER to a private room, the nurse Jim came in.  I immediately recognized him as the same nurse who rolled my mom up to her private room from the ER 10 minutes before she died.  Through the tension, he made me feel at ease last week and last spring; but still the tears fell.  When I saw the on-call cardiologist, it was Dr. Arora....the same cardiologist who treated my mom back in May.  The one who said, "There is nothing we can do for her", but for me...he said, "I think you are going to be just fine".  I lay in the hospital the first night barely able to stay awake, my blood pressure was low and my heart beat was faint.  So now I am home waiting for my next appointment, hoping there are no more "episodes" and there is nothing seriously wrong; but so thankful for that more than one more day!

Christmas....not the most wonderful time of the year....there I said it!

My mom died.  Sometimes I think that or say that, and I still can't believe it.  I thought all was going pretty well during this season of celebrations, but if I'm very honest; it's a struggle.  My girls are struggling, my son is confused and I am struggling.  Christmas is not my favorite time of year, it never has been; but I had been sort of looking forward to it until a few weeks ago.  Then it and lots of other stuff hit me....it's going to be hard!  The good in this, because I've been searching...and God always brings good...is that I'm clinging, leaning and holding fast to His hand.  I do feel His presence and sometimes the comfort and joy, in the midst of this pain, is overwhelming!  Thank you Jesus for coming for us so long ago.  You are my rock!