Lina

People come and people go.  Some that go are rarely thought of again, and some that go are thought every day.  My friend Lina went to heaven today.  She was the most thoughtful and selfless person I've ever known.  I know many thoughtful and selfless people, but she was that way every minute of every day.  I loved her deeply and my heart is sad. The deeper we love someone, the more difficult the letting go can be.  For me having the opportunity to know Lina and call her my friend is worth all of the grief.  God used her so well, and her beautiful legacy will live on in her 6 lovely children.  They shine brightly like their mama.  You have taught me so much and have touched so many lives.  I  know that your spirit will continue to do so. I miss you Lina, and I will pray for your family and always be there for them.  I'm thankful you are no longer in pain and are at peace in the arms of Jesus, and you are one that I will think of every day.

HUGS

It's been a year since she left this earth.  We have been hugged on and loved on and prayed for, and it has helped us a lot....it has helped.  It is still hard, and I keep waiting for it to get easier.  When my dad died, it took a long time for it to get easier; but it did.  I think losing my mom was like losing them both all over again.  I don't have my parents here with me, and my kids don't have their Moo & Papa, and NPayne doesn't have his in-laws, and so many people miss them.  I think the hardest part has been seeing my kids suffer, especially, my Addi.  It has been really hard on her.  She's a senior this year, and there are lots of exciting things that come with being a senior.  Losing both of her grandmothers in less than a year has been really difficult, and I know there is a cloud of sadness over the things we are celebrating. Her grandparents are rejoicing over her and the person she is....this I know....without a doubt.  I think it's harder to cling to that when you're 18 and so many things are changing in your life....when you have no idea what the future holds.  That can be exciting and terrifying.  I have been on my knees more this year than I have in a long time, and I give glory to God for carrying me through so many hard times....not just in this year....but in my life.  I'll admit He is not always where I look first to find joy and peace during hard times, but when I finally go to Him....He provides!  Thank you for your hugs and support and keep on hugging us....we need it more this year than we did last year.

Stuck

I've spent much of my time the last few years in a struggle. Am I following where He is leading? Many signs say NO. MY heart says NO. My head...it's trying to be rational...but it's confused. I've been as disappointed in circumstances, people, community as I have been in my entire life. Being in the midst of these situations has taken its toll on my heart and on my thoughts.  My trust in people has been greatly compromised, my faith in mankind has been tested, my attitude has changed. There have been days when I felt myself slipping into hopelessness. I have let myself wallow into a pit many days, and I am digging my way out. One thing I was sweetly r͡emimded of this past weekend is this....I answer to one, I can always trust one, I have faith in one. Sometimes I find myself asking why, but really...it doesn't matter why. Things are always revealed in God's timing...it may not be until eternity, but it will be revealed. And the most important thing is God Wins! So now the hard part continues....clinging to that as I let things unfold, things I don't agree with, things I don't support, things in my neighborhood, things in my community, things I don't understand and don't really want to, stuck in a place I don't feel I'm called to be, feelings of such loneliness as I cling hard.  Jesus...you are my way! You are my love!

HOPE SPOKEN

Out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, I heard about this conference that was in my area.  I didn't even have to read about it when I saw who the speakers were going to be, I knew I MUST GO!  Of course the tickets were sold out and had been for a long time, but still....I contacted the people in charge, put my request on social media and inquired.  NO LUCK! :(  About a week later, I received a message that a ticket had become available.  I said YES and purchased it right away.  This past weekend was Hope Spoken, and it was more amazing than I thought.  I drove the 30 mile jaunt back and forth for 3 days, all alone.  Each day, I was more blessed than the one before.  I met the most amazing women and heard the most amazing testimonies....some were really intense, and some were not; but all of them touched my life.  NPayne asked me the first day....so you're going to this alone?  I said, yes...and I think it will be good for me to go alone; and it was sooooo good.   I have been struggling for a while with contentment, and I have been asking Jesus to help me figure out a way to find it again.  I feel like a person walking around in someone else's body, because I haven't felt like I am where I am suppose to be.  As a young adult...I had flowery dreams of living in the country, driving an old pick-up truck, farming my land, with a bunch of kids around me, living the simple life.  The husband....well I didn't really want one of those.  How I was going to get the kids was a detail I would figure out later. ;)  God had other plans for me, and I happened to meet the most amazing man and let him sweep me off my feet....kicking and screaming a little at first....but soon I was completely his.  I don't live in the country, but right in the middle of the city....a very busy city.  I don't drive an old pick-up truck, but my suburban is almost 14 years old.  I don't farm my own land, but we do have 7 hens and are planning a garden soon.  I do, however, have a bunch of kids....at least to some people 5 is a bunch....AND I figured out how to get those kids! ;)  I still long for a simpler way of life, and it isn't what I dreamed it would be; but it is better.  God, I'm sorry I fight you so hard....your ways are best!

ME

I have a great eye for detail, but I'm only detail oriented about things that I find interesting.
I love projects, but I'm usually too overwhelmed with the project to get started.
I am surrounded by people, but I usually feel very alone.
I am very organized, but I'm not easily motivated.
I am confident, but I'm very insecure.
I'm very creative, but I'm not trendy.
I love my house in the city, but I'm not a city girl.
I am the mother of five, but I'm not good at multi-tasking.
I am easily restless, but I'm never bored.
I am a rule follower, but I love exceptions.
I am a planner, but I don't usually have a plan.

We bought a prom dress...

We went shopping yesterday and found Addi's prom dress. She tried on a few, and she liked several. When she put on the one we bought, I saw how much she loved it in her face. She is going to look so pretty that night. Time is ticking....she's almost finished with high school. This young lady has made such an impact on the lives of so many, and I cannot wait to see what her future holds. She shines brightly....oh so brightly!

Joy Prouty, Photography, Inspiration, Contentment/Discontentment

Contentment is the acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity. The level of capacity reached may be sought after, expected, desired, or simply predetermined as the level in which provides contentment. Contentment may be considered as synonymous with happiness but is more basic or prior to happiness that can be derived from outer achievement or self-improvement.

For this reason, colloquially, contentment is simply a way of accepting one's life state and being grateful or happy with it. Many see contentment as an attitude towards situations. It may even be argued that this attitude of contentment leads to more positive outcomes as a result of the relaxation that goes with being contented.

I haven't been content, really content, in a couple of years and not just with my work, but with my life. I use to scour the internet looking at photographers' and artists' blogs for inspiration and guidance. At first, I was very inspired. After a while, I found that I was comparing myself to many and became more insecure than ever. I stopped reading blogs a few years ago. When I watched Joy on the Click live stream, I became intrigued again. I had read her blog in the past, but stopped when I stopped reading all blogs. Honestly I had no idea what Click was, but a friend of mine was there and kept posting stuff about it on FB. When I heard Joy was speaking, I decided to watch it. After that, I started reading her blog again. I knew I had to eventually meet her.  I recently spent 3 days with her, and I came home feeling like I was on the right path with my inner struggle....learning about photography was a bonus for me. I went to Austin to learn about her...in hopes that it would help me learn about me. My life is good...I have the most amazing man in my life. He is the foundation for my family, and he is my rock. He holds us together. My kids are amazing, creative people who inspire me daily. We are settled in our community. I have great girlfriends who support me and encourage me, and I am strong in my faith. We have made a wonderful life, but still contentment is lacking. I am always restless. It's definitely a struggle inside of me and not based on anyone else. I'm not sure what my path will hold as far as photography goes, but I know I will always take pictures. 
I don't feel understood or valued, and that is a struggle inside of me; but it is real and awful.  I can't stand injustice, and I see it daily in my own neighborhood; and it is real and awful.  I'm not sure where to go or what to do to settle my soul down, but I have to do something; so I'll keep praying.  Contentment....where are you?  Discontentment....go away!

March 3....The Best Day of 1997!

Happy Birthday to the one who started it all! Eighteen years ago today, I became a mama for the first time. Little did I know what to expect and how that day would change my life forever and for better. I remember calling my own mother after you were born to tell her....NOW I GET IT! NOW I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME! You are the best and most perfect biggest sister for this family. You have given your siblings so much to look up to, and they each treasure their relationship with you. Keep on doing good, loving deep and giving fiercely! Your 18 years have already made a huge impact on this world. You're one of my biggest heroes, and I adore you. BTW...thank you for always hugging me back everytime you walk in the room! XOXO  EIGHTEEN....SIGH!

I DO NOT KNOW!

I don't know..... that seems to be my response to so much lately.  I DO NOT KNOW!
How are you feeling?  I don't know.
What's for dinner?  I don't know.
Are we going to church?  I don't know.
Do we have weekend plans?  I don't know.
Can I go?????  I don't know.
Why did that happen?  I don't know.
Where are my shoes?  I don't know.
Are you available?  I don't know.  Really I do, and most of the time I choose not to be.
What's wrong?  I don't know.
Are you okay? I don't know.

But then....something will happen....and I mean something big, and I will know:

"If your heart is broken, you'll find GOD right there; if you're kicked in the gut He'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18

February 5th...the best day of 2001! Drew is 14!!

Happy Birthday Drewby Lou.  My sweet, organic, hippyish, smack dab in the middle child with an old soul.  You are the most like me...a worrier, with insecurities, who is quiet and shy, but who loves HARD and full and feels others' feelings so strongly.  You are black and white with not much middle ground, but you know what you like and don't like.  When you were little you declared yourself as a tomboy who liked to wear dresses.  When I asked you what extra curricular activity you wanted to do, you would say..."I just wanna be a kid", and that made me so happy.  I love that you hug and kiss me every day and that you always thank us for taking care of your needs.  I'm so grateful that you will share yourself with me still and so proud of your non-judgmental heart.  You will be a wonderful mama someday and a wonderful wife.  I know you will do great things in this world.  You bring so much joy to  my life that I cannot put it into words.  I adore you Drewby Lou!  Thank you God for Princess Drew, thank you God!!