Learn

We are all different....although created in God's image....different.  Free will?  I'm not sure.  I have many people in my life, who do things very differently than I do....who live life very differently than I do....who make very different choices than I do.  Sometimes I think, WOW!  I wish I did that, lived like that, made choices like that; and sometimes I think, WOW!  They are nutso.  Either way, I still love them.  I can't help but think how boring the world would be if we were all just alike....I learn something from someone every single day....and that is the honest truth.  Something I hear, read, see....every single day.  Sometimes it's good stuff and sometimes it's not so good, but it's still a learning experience.  When I was younger, I had the most amazing photographic memory and long term memory.  I could remember anything and remember it for like evah.  As I've gotten older and my brain has become full of other people's stuff....mainly my kids....I can't remember very much of anything without a sticky note, alarm, reminder on my calendar; and then I still sometimes forget.  I loved being able to remember so much and soak in so much.  Truly it was a gift.  When I realized that I wasn't remembering stuff like I use to, I had this overwhelming sadness.  As time has passed, I know now that it is just part of my life and who I am.  The good thing is that I can learn things without having the need to memorize everything.  My shift switched from factual information to life lessons and experiences, but still there is learning going on; and I think we can always make the space in our brain, life to learn.

CAL....

I have recently gotten acquainted with many moms of young children with special needs....many who have children with autism.  When I read their emails, Facebook posts, Instagram updates....it takes me back to a time when my boy was little.  There were so many milestones and things I cherish....like the first unprompted kiss he gave me, the first time he asked to swim when he was six, the first time he went to school in underwear vs. a pull up; but there were so many challenges....so so many.  There were days when I cried more than I smiled, days when I felt like a complete failure, days when I had a hard time looking forward and wallowed in the sadness, confusion and utter lack of control.  It was a hard hard time.  He did not have the ability to "use his words" or self sooth or many of the things that young children learn to do naturally and with guidance.  He just couldn't do it.  This resulted in many tantrums including physical outbursts but mostly just screaming and flailing. I would literally become a ball of stress if we entered the grocery store and there were no goldfish to purchase at the snack area, because bringing them from home wasn't the same as buying them as soon as we walked in to the store; so no groceries that day.  Because his appearance is that of a typical child, we always had the looks and comments...."You need to learn how to handle that boy."  "He needs a good spanking."  "What is wrong with him?'  "Don't you know how to control your child?"  "He is a brat."  For me, it was oftentimes devastating, always exhausting and I usually ended up sobbing.  There were days when he would wake up and within the first hour, something had happened to upset him; and the rest of the day was shot.  His sisters, especially Addi and Drew, because they were so close in age to him were huge blessings in his life and in mine.  Oftentimes when they were little,  they were my lifesaver for that day or that minute....when I could see things about to go awry....they could get him through it.  They could relate to him so much better than I often could.  I was so busy trying to follow his picture schedule or routine and walking on pins and needles, that I would get myself worked up about it and end up making things worse. As he has grown, there are still challenges....but they are very different and so am I.  I have become much more laid back.  Throwing away his picture schedule was one of the best decisions I ever made.  Don't misunderstand....it was essential for a while, but when he and I became so dependent on it that it ruled our lives; it was time to go.  Cal is now able to understand words better, he is able to understand emotions...his own and other people's much better; and that has made a huge difference.  Some of this came naturally as he has gotten older but most of it came through the help of his therapists and teachers.  The main challenge I see now is how he is treated by others.  Those who know him and take the time to get to know him treat him wonderfully.  It's oftentimes those who don't know him, who just aren't sure how to respond.  When you talk to him now, it is very apparent within the first few minutes that he has special needs.  Some people see this and embrace and engage him wholeheartedly, and some people are very visibly uncomfortable.  It doesn't make me angry or upset anymore (except when people will leave the park when we are there, because they don't want their children swinging next to a big 16 year old boy, holding a black cloth napkin and asking them random questions that they would never have any idea how to answer); but that doesn't happen very often.  It is what it is....people are accepting or they are not.  I've had to learn that through the years, and I've had to learn to tame my mama bear instincts as well.  We are all humans, and I can guarantee you I have not treated every single person I've ever met the way they should be treated.  I can honestly say that if I had not been blessed by this boy, I don't know how I would have reacted to a 16 year old boy asking me "Do you know the muffin man?"  or  "Is Harold a helicopter or a bus?" while invading your personal space.  Having Cal has taught me many many things: he has taught me not to take anything for granted, to do my best to live in the moment; but mainly that people need to be treated with love.  We are all different, but to Jesus; we are all loved the same. Cal may ask me the same question hundreds of times in one afternoon, but there are many things that he doesn't do that are pretty awesome: Cal doesn't lie...he doesn't know how to, he doesn't cave to peer pressure, he is not glued to an iPhone, he doesn't forget to do his chores, he is never involved in drama, he doesn't argue, he doesn't conform as Romans 12:2 reminds us.  He is who he is....what you see is what you get; and sometimes that makes him the easiest of them all.

Adios

I think....am pretty sure....almost confident....maybe....that we are moving.  Of course things have to go just perfectly, the stars have to align, the heavens may need to part, and there may be peace on earth before it all works out the way we think it should in our ever so intelligent brains; but....I'm pretty confident it's going to happen.  Where we live, the market for sellers is really good.  Where we want to live, the house is really bad...but oh so good.  In other words, it's a complete gut job; but my oh my the potential.  Every since the first time I drove by a few months ago, I've lay awake at night, had visions and day dreams and sparkly fun thoughts in my head of what.it.could.be.  I'm giddy, but I'm also trying not to be giddy just in case.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE our current house....our home....the only place our children have ever lived.  I thought we would live here until they were all grown and then one of them would buy it, but things change.  It is time for us to go.  I wish, so wish, that we could move our house with us; but that would never be allowed....even though we own our house outright....we would have a huge fight on our hands.  If we could though, we would...or at least I would.  I love my house, but it is a house not the memories; and I have to remember that.  I am very particular about the homestead I live in, preserving the old, keeping the history, etc.; so it makes me sad to know someone else will come in and destroy the integrity of our beautiful old house.  But I also realize that when you're willing to let it go, then you have to let it go.  Anyway....there are many things that have to work out, but I feel it in my bones...we are moving.

Happy Father's Day 2015!

It's Father's Day.....the day dedicated to honoring "fathers".  I was fortunate to have a wonderful father for 38 years of my life.  He was an amazingly funny, sweet, kind and devoted man.  I adored my dad....I have a problem using past tense, because I still adore him. My dad was the best Papa to my kids I could have ever hoped for.  He loved my babies with every ounce of his being, and they loved him back.  My baby girl never had the privilege of meeting Papa face to face, and that makes me sad sometimes; because I know the bond they would have had.  She is funny....really funny....and sweet like him.  My kids are also so fortunate to have the father they have.  NPayne is all I could have ever hoped for and more as a father to our children.  I don't ever remember having a discussion with him, before we married, about having children.  I just assumed he knew I wanted some.  Once we started, I quickly discovered I wanted a bunch....and he discovered my desire as well.  ;)  Neil is patient and kind and embraces each of our children in their strengths and weaknesses.  He helps direct them with Godly advice and loves them with his whole heart and soul.  He blesses us by just being who he was created to be, and I could not be more grateful to have him in our lives.  Neil, however, never had the privilege of knowing his own father.  He died when NPayne was just one year old.  We've heard stories and seen photos, but "missing" his father is an understatement.  Today in church, he looked at me and said....I never liked going to church on Father's Day as a kid.  It broke my heart for him.  Madalyn, my mother-in-law, served as father and mother to Neil and his sisters; and she did so very well.  He never had a "father figure" so to speak, but he had a mother who worked hard and loved enough for 2 parents.  I am forever indebted to her in raising him to be the wonderful man he is.  So today, we give thanks for all the people who have been a "father" to us....whether that is a man/woman or relative/non-relative.  And for those who have not had anyone love them as a "father" would, I will pray that they will always feel the unconditional and devoted love from the best father there is....Jesus.

Pretty Music

I've been listening to a lot of classical music aka "pretty music".  It takes me back to a season when my car was full of car seats with babies and toddlers spilling out of them, a time of chaos and not enough hands.  It takes me back to my children being so little.  It takes me back to Addi saying, "Put on the pretty music, so they can take a nap."  It worked every time.  That seems like such a long time ago and like just yesterday all at once.  WOW!  Time....

RESISTANCE

I am not sure what to write....I have had so many things in my head for so many minutes, hours, days, weeks, years....I don't know how to comprehend most of it.  It seems to be more and more to try to figure out as each day passes.  I strongly feel God is leading me in a direction that is not supported by many.  I will continue to pray for guidance, but I don't think I'm the stumbling block.  I don't think God wants you to leave all you know and love either, or does He?  I don't know.
I just started reading "The War of Art", and it is all about resistance in things you feel led to do.  Everyone faces resistance....everyone....but we can beat it if we realize what it is.  I am realizing and now I have to figure out how to fight it.

Addison Jo Payne....High School Graduate!

For the past year, I've been dreading this day...3 of my girls moving on up...one from elementary to middle, one from middle to high school and one from high school to adulthood/college/she can vote/she doesn't need me to go to the doctor with her anymore/she could leave the country if she wanted to/etc./etc.etc. I wasn't dreading it because of where they are going or coming from. I wasn't dreading it because they are growing up....growing up is part of life. I wasn't dreading it because time is flying. I mean after all....that's one of the main goals as a parent....your children becoming productive, responsible, kind, serving, caring adults. I was dreading it because change is coming for our family. I was dreading it because I know how much we are going to miss seeing Addi every single day. It's going to be a big adjustment. Sometimes if I find myself thinking about it too much, my head hurts. We've had a lot of change this past year, and it has been very very difficult; so I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible. But recently I started thinking about it in a different way. Change can be hard, but sometimes you do your best growing there. As I was sitting at the graduation ceremony, I was thinking about the past 18 years....the first time I held her and looked at that beautiful face into those beautiful eyes. I was thinking about how I use to hold her and weep, because I had never known love like that before. I was thinking about my own mother and remembering the time I called her, a few days after Addi was born, to tell her..."I get it now. You really really love me. Thank you for loving me like that." I was thinking about the sacrifices my oldest has made for her siblings and how she has always done so without complaint....I mean NEVER did she complain. I was thinking about how she loves them all so very much and how they love her back. It is a sweet, pure, devoted love they share; and it is beautiful to see. And I was thinking about the person she has become, her gentle spirit and sweet sweet soul. She is sweet to the bone. God definitely had a big part in that. She has allowed Him to mold her and use her, and I am so very thankful for that.....so so thankful! I was thinking about all the people in her life, who have been wonderful role models, inspiration and support for her. WOW! It's amazing and comforting to know that many people love your baby. Today I thought I would cry all day long with this sad sad place in my heart, because I've been gearing myself up to dread this day all year long. But for the last few weeks, I've found myself very excited for Addi. Now I'm not saying I didn't cry at all today, because crying is almost an inert response for me in many every day situations....I'm just emotional like that. I did cry at my 5th graders clap out, but so did Addi. Seeing your 18 year old holding tight to her 11 year old sister while they cry together....people that will about bring you to your knees. I did get choked up during the Salute to the Armed Forces during the graduation ceremony....especially when those seniors who are already signed up to serve our country stood up in their caps & gowns...so humbling and grateful. I shed a quiet tear when Dr. Ryan, our superintendent, hugged my girl so tight on that stage after she received her diploma. I could see how proud he was for her. She has known him her whole life through our church family. But today....I am not sad. I cried a few times but I did not cry out of sadness. I am excited for what the future holds. Our world is a fallen place with many bad bad things, but there is good in so many of our youth....I can see it in their faces, their actions, their sacrifices. It gives me hope. There were many cheers, hoots & hollers tonight as each name was called. There are definitely a lot of proud families tonight....with good reason....and that makes me smile. Our CHHS principal, Conrad Streeter, closed the ceremony tonight with this advice: stick close to your family and friends...they are your support, hold tight to your faith, and from this moment on....time flies....so live in the moment. I hope everyone there tonight....especially all of those seniors were listening....because he is so so right. Change is hard, and it is not always easy; but oftentimes it is necessary....it's what's next....and next is on the horizon.

May 28th....The Best Day of 1999!

Happy Birthday to my Lone Ranger, my favorite boy, my only son! Callahan Leigh Payne graced us with his presence SIXTEEN years ago today, on my Mamaw's 80th birthday! 9 lb. 13 oz. + no drugs = hard delivery, but I wouldn't change a thing! He was a challenging infant but a happy happy happy baby/toddler, who didn't speak, but could hum the tune of every song he heard. He has been dealt many challenges, but my-oh-my how wonderfully he has embraced who he is. And although I don't think he fully understands that he's "different", I hope he understands that he's special. Cal....my boy....you have taught me more about life than anyone else I have ever known. You make everyone's life better. 

I adore you!!  XOXO!!

Lina

People come and people go.  Some that go are rarely thought of again, and some that go are thought every day.  My friend Lina went to heaven today.  She was the most thoughtful and selfless person I've ever known.  I know many thoughtful and selfless people, but she was that way every minute of every day.  I loved her deeply and my heart is sad. The deeper we love someone, the more difficult the letting go can be.  For me having the opportunity to know Lina and call her my friend is worth all of the grief.  God used her so well, and her beautiful legacy will live on in her 6 lovely children.  They shine brightly like their mama.  You have taught me so much and have touched so many lives.  I  know that your spirit will continue to do so. I miss you Lina, and I will pray for your family and always be there for them.  I'm thankful you are no longer in pain and are at peace in the arms of Jesus, and you are one that I will think of every day.

HUGS

It's been a year since she left this earth.  We have been hugged on and loved on and prayed for, and it has helped us a lot....it has helped.  It is still hard, and I keep waiting for it to get easier.  When my dad died, it took a long time for it to get easier; but it did.  I think losing my mom was like losing them both all over again.  I don't have my parents here with me, and my kids don't have their Moo & Papa, and NPayne doesn't have his in-laws, and so many people miss them.  I think the hardest part has been seeing my kids suffer, especially, my Addi.  It has been really hard on her.  She's a senior this year, and there are lots of exciting things that come with being a senior.  Losing both of her grandmothers in less than a year has been really difficult, and I know there is a cloud of sadness over the things we are celebrating. Her grandparents are rejoicing over her and the person she is....this I know....without a doubt.  I think it's harder to cling to that when you're 18 and so many things are changing in your life....when you have no idea what the future holds.  That can be exciting and terrifying.  I have been on my knees more this year than I have in a long time, and I give glory to God for carrying me through so many hard times....not just in this year....but in my life.  I'll admit He is not always where I look first to find joy and peace during hard times, but when I finally go to Him....He provides!  Thank you for your hugs and support and keep on hugging us....we need it more this year than we did last year.