They Know Of What They Are Speaking....

Some things I've heard, experienced, lived through in raising 5 kids....
They don't stay little very long....that growing up stuff....it happens in a blink.  When people say, they won't go to kindergarten in diapers....well, just don't ever say that to anyone....because their kid just might.  Mine did.  When people tell you to treasure every minute of those sleepless nights with your newborn, reading stories to your lap babies, holding little hands and waiting in carpool lines (well maybe not carpool lines)....listen to them.  They know of what they are speaking.  When people tell you....you think you're busy now, just wait until they are older.  These people are very wise and again know of what they are speaking.  You might get more sleep, but a lot of it is done in a car/bleachers/auditorium while waiting for someone to be finished up with an activity or event.  Make sure you have a car you like being in, with a good cup holder and radio; because you will spend most of your time in it.  When people tell you....you won't be worried for long....regarding your newest driver.  They sort of know of what they are speaking.  I was nervous for about 35 seconds until I sent her out for coffee and to retrieve her sister from dance, and then....I danced a jig.  However I wouldn't necessarily say I don't worry.  I can say I don't worry about HER driving, but I do find myself worried about other people's driving....you get what I'm saying....but I'm a self proclaimed worrier, I'm working on it people.  When people tell you middle school years are the most difficult....they know of what they are speaking, at least this has been accurate information for moi up to this point of parenting.  I have found that my middle schoolers are not interested in showers, conversation, quality time, game nights, or really much of anything....except sleep and Instagram.   When you hear people say....they come back around in high school, again they know of what they are speaking.  Once in high school, I hugged their necks and said WELCOME BACK!  I've missed you this last year or so.  When people tell you there is always drama....PEOPLE....listen, because there is.  And I'm not talking about the theatre, what do I wear today kind of drama.  I'm talking about the gossipy, hurtful kind of drama.  And all of you boy mamas....listen too, because even if your boy isn't involved in any drama with his friends; I guarantee you he will hear about drama between some girls.  Encourage your kids not to get involved in drama. Tell them to be kind but use their discernment about which friends thrive on it and which friends don't.  It doesn't mean you can't be friends with ones who crave drama, it just means that you have to be willing to step back and evaluate the situation and realize that maybe you need to give them a little more kindness. When people tell you that you will be much more lenient with child number 5, they know of what they are speaking.  At least it has happened for us, but I will also say that child number 5 is self sufficient and obedient and we are just plain exhausted after all these years of little people.  ;)   Child number 4...now that is a whole different ballgame, she will be under my thumb until my arthritic thumb won't allow that any longer.   I'm not even sure how child number 3, 4, 5 learned to read; but I think child number 1 taught them.  ;) After all, I taught her all her letters, numbers, shapes, colors, nursery rhymes, how to write her name and she could read by the time she was 3 1/2 months or 3 1/2 years....it's all the same to me now.  ;) When people tell you that you need to be connected to all of your kids' devices, accounts, etc.  they know of what they are speaking.  Now I realize that kids can set up "secret" accounts that we parents may not know exist, but I also realize that if you establish an open an honest relationship with your kids; they won't feel the need to do be secretive.  And...if you look hard enough; you can find those secret accounts anyway.  When people tell you that you will cry a lot as a mother, they know of what they are speaking.  When they are little, this will be because of their sugary cuteness in their school program,   they ate their first chicken nugget (true story) , they said "I WUV YOU DIS MUCH" with arms stretched as wide as possible, or out of pure exhaustion.  When they are older, it will be because they are stressing you out or have a broken heart or spirit or are experiencing some dark and sad times.  It will also be because they do things that you make you so proud that you want to burst, they talk to you about what it will be like when they are a mother (which makes you envision yourself as a grandmother and then you start making big plans for what you will be called, summer camps at grandmas, etc.; but I digress), and you can see what gentle loving people they are becoming.  When people tell you to know your kids' friends, PLEASE PLEASE listen....they know of what they are speaking.  Of course you may not know every single solitary friend your child has, but knowing the ones he/she spends the most time with is essential.  When people tell you to just sit down and talk to your kids about any concerns, questions, hard stuff, yes this includes SEX....they know of what they are speaking.  DO IT!  If your child tells you all is well, but you know deep down inside it isn't....you don't have to nag and nag, but let them know you know and let them know that you are available to listen and help and love them.  Realize that if they don't want to talk to you, they still may need to talk to someone; so help them find that someone.  If they tell you they already know about sex, because they go to public school....PEOPLE, catch your breath, wipe the sweat from your brow and have that discussion immediately.  When people say give your kids boundaries, they know of what they are speaking....kids look for protection and direction (even big ones), they need to know someone is looking out for them and cares enough to make sure they are safe.  When people tell you to monitor your kids' screen times, they know of what they are speaking.  This gets more challenging as they get older and as the devices get fancier, but it is still important.  Go on family adventures, have game night, make goofy videos, hold a contest of lip sync battle...but make sure they aren't spending every moment of free time locked in their room on their phone.  When people say make sure they get some exercise, they know of what they are speaking.  Besides the obvious reasons exercise is good for you, it also releases positive endorphines and just makes you feel better.  When people tell you that you will count heads even when they are big, they know of what they are speaking.  We just went on a mega adventure, and I counted 1,2,3,4,5 about 557 times; and my oldest is officially an adult. When people tell you to let your children suffer natural consequences, they know of what they are speaking.  This, my friends, is key in pretty much every aspect of life.  Sure....occasionally rescue them, but let them see what happens if they make a bad choice or are not responsible.  We also give ours an out. We have told them if they are in a situation they are not comfortable with or invited somewhere they don't want to go, they can always blame it on us.  We have told them to call or text us if they are somewhere they shouldn't be....whether it was their "fault" or not, and we will come pick them up.  Teach them about child predators and "bad" people and scary stuff, but do it appropriately according to their age.  They need to know that there are a lot of good people in the world, but sometimes there are some that don't have their best interests at heart.  Once they have shown they are responsible, give them an inch; but don't let them take a mile.  I'm going to say monitoring whereabouts, instagrams, face books, text messages, twitter, etc. is EXHAUSTING; so only agree to let them have what you can actively monitor.  When people say "That is the hardest thing you will ever do"...., they know of what they are speaking.  Whether it is weaning them from nursing, sending them to kindergarten, helping move into a dorm, holding them when their tears won't end, watching them walk into their therapists office or grounding them "for life"....at that particular moment, it may the hardest thing you have had to do.  There will probably be harder things, but for now; this is it.  When parents have experienced something you haven't, don't pretend like you know....just be there for them.  When people say go on dates with your significant other and make sure you have some alone time for yourself, they know of what they are speaking.  There are seasons as a parent where this will be EXTREMELY difficult, and it is almost as much work to make time for this as it is raising quadruplets; but DO IT.  You can have alone time in the car, at the grocery store or in the bathroom (well not if you live in a house with one bathroom, but again I digress).  As for dates, those are essential as well.  When our kids were little, we rarely went on dates.  We couldn't afford a babysitter and a date, so we sometimes we would watch a movie or eat dinner together after they were asleep.  Make time to talk with your partner, face to face, and don't always make it about the kids.  On this same note, when you have children who need alone time; grant them some time for this.  My oldest girls definitely need alone time, so we made a schedule this past year of when they could shut themselves in their room and when they were "forced" to hang out with us.  ;)  When people tell you to let your children see your emotional side, they know of what they are speaking.  Let them see you sad or angry or overjoyed.  Let them see you cry out of joy or pain.  Let them see you show affection to your partner (G rated of course).  Let them hear you exchange kindness and love language and kisses (even if they say eeeeewwwwww, which they will when they are in middle school).  Let them see that your relationships with friends, your partner, your parents, etc. are important as well; and that it is okay to cry for a friend who is going through rough times or cry for a friend who is celebrating.  When people tell you your kids need to do the dishes, their laundry, cook a meal, clean their rooms and sometimes a toilet or mop a floor; they know of what they are speaking.  We will set them free one day, and they need to know these skills for the sake of their roommate or better half, as well as, their own. When people tell you that you cannot control everything they do, you have to give them wings and you need to let them succeed or fail on their own; they know of what they are speaking.  This is so very difficult to do as they get older, but at some point; they will be an adult....at 18...good grief.  They then don't "need" you for anything.  They can make their own doctor appointments, vote, open their own bank accounts, borrow money, be tried in court as an adult, and the list goes on.  You hope and pray that you have taught them enough about life and love and faith and being good, kind, considerate people who love others and don't judge; BUT....it is their life.  With that right to life, they have to make decisions and choices.  We are here to get that ball rolling, but it is ultimately up to them.  Of course when your 18 year old still asks you to go to the doctor with her, you feel a little weepy that she still "needs" you in that way until she asks you for gas money; then your tears dry up.  When she asks you for guidance or help in a difficult decision, you assure her that you will be happy to help her; but it has to be her decision....then you let her know that you will always be here for her...and she says "BRING IT IN" and gives you the biggest hug.  Then you cry!

**Remember....this is me talking, my perspective, some of my personal experiences or experiences of parents who are close to me. These things may not apply to you, but you never know they may....there is my disclaimer.  Also remember as parents, we are all in this together.  Do your best to be helpful, encourage and be kind to other parents....sometimes you have no idea what their day has held or the shoes they are walking in.

RANT

I'm going to rant....you've been warned.  I don't usually rant a lot on social media....although I rant inside my own head frequently.  Let me start by saying, I AM NOT PERFECT....oh so far from perfect, not even close.  So please understand that I am certainly not blameless here either.  Something has come to my attention these last few days, and I cannot shush my mouth about it anymore.  ENTITLEMENT....it's killing me y'all.  I have been and certainly am guilty of this as well, and I try not to judge; but some of this stuff makes me want to shake someone into their right mind and best behavior.  Since I've been home from the mega road trip, I've done typical stuff....grocery shopping, washing the car, taxiing kids here and there.  For some reason over the last day and a half, I've observed a lot of this crazy ENTITLEMENT thing happening.  My mouth hangs open and my face gets hot at the thought of some of this stuff I've seen and heard.  Most of what I've observed has been by young adults, in their behaviors and the way they speak to people.  I know ENTITLEMENT comes in all shapes, sizes, ages, genders, zip codes, etc.; but the last few days....it has been recurrent in these young people who may rule the world one day.  As I said....I know I have been, am and will be guilty of this as well; but I really TRY...I really do TRY not to get caught up in this.  I am very aware of how much we have, how rich we are, how our needs are always met in this world we live in.   My children are aware and reminded often as well....just ask them....I'm sure they will enlighten you with how frequently they are sweetly reminded that they don't "need" for pretty much anything ever.  When I tell them, we can't afford something....sometimes it is because we really need to spend our money on feeding the 7 people in the house, but sometimes it is because we just spent a lot of money on a a mega road trip or a painting the kitchen (because I was tired of waiting on our in house handy man to do it).  What I'm saying is that even when our budget is tight, and it is more often than not....we are among the rich in the world, we have more than enough.  I really want my children to be grateful, but I also want them to treat people kindly and with respect.  In the last few days, it has been brought to my attention that sometimes ENTITLEMENT is all about how a person treats another.  I don't have an answer, but I sure wish I did.  And....if you ever see me or one of my people treating anyone as if we are better because of our age, status, demographic, or any reason at all; please shake us into our right minds and best behaviors.  END OF RANT! # alwaysbekind

GO!

Sometimes I sit and think....too much....okay too often too.  I don't know what I'm doing about 90% of the time, but I'm usually happy doing it.  I know there is more to be done, and I know I am suppose to do it; so I will.  Stay Tuned!  Oh....and we just came home from a 2900 mile in 8 day road trip with the whole family, and it was grand.  I enjoyed every single second of the 11,520 minutes we were together.  I love my people.

Learn

We are all different....although created in God's image....different.  Free will?  I'm not sure.  I have many people in my life, who do things very differently than I do....who live life very differently than I do....who make very different choices than I do.  Sometimes I think, WOW!  I wish I did that, lived like that, made choices like that; and sometimes I think, WOW!  They are nutso.  Either way, I still love them.  I can't help but think how boring the world would be if we were all just alike....I learn something from someone every single day....and that is the honest truth.  Something I hear, read, see....every single day.  Sometimes it's good stuff and sometimes it's not so good, but it's still a learning experience.  When I was younger, I had the most amazing photographic memory and long term memory.  I could remember anything and remember it for like evah.  As I've gotten older and my brain has become full of other people's stuff....mainly my kids....I can't remember very much of anything without a sticky note, alarm, reminder on my calendar; and then I still sometimes forget.  I loved being able to remember so much and soak in so much.  Truly it was a gift.  When I realized that I wasn't remembering stuff like I use to, I had this overwhelming sadness.  As time has passed, I know now that it is just part of my life and who I am.  The good thing is that I can learn things without having the need to memorize everything.  My shift switched from factual information to life lessons and experiences, but still there is learning going on; and I think we can always make the space in our brain, life to learn.

CAL....

I have recently gotten acquainted with many moms of young children with special needs....many who have children with autism.  When I read their emails, Facebook posts, Instagram updates....it takes me back to a time when my boy was little.  There were so many milestones and things I cherish....like the first unprompted kiss he gave me, the first time he asked to swim when he was six, the first time he went to school in underwear vs. a pull up; but there were so many challenges....so so many.  There were days when I cried more than I smiled, days when I felt like a complete failure, days when I had a hard time looking forward and wallowed in the sadness, confusion and utter lack of control.  It was a hard hard time.  He did not have the ability to "use his words" or self sooth or many of the things that young children learn to do naturally and with guidance.  He just couldn't do it.  This resulted in many tantrums including physical outbursts but mostly just screaming and flailing. I would literally become a ball of stress if we entered the grocery store and there were no goldfish to purchase at the snack area, because bringing them from home wasn't the same as buying them as soon as we walked in to the store; so no groceries that day.  Because his appearance is that of a typical child, we always had the looks and comments...."You need to learn how to handle that boy."  "He needs a good spanking."  "What is wrong with him?'  "Don't you know how to control your child?"  "He is a brat."  For me, it was oftentimes devastating, always exhausting and I usually ended up sobbing.  There were days when he would wake up and within the first hour, something had happened to upset him; and the rest of the day was shot.  His sisters, especially Addi and Drew, because they were so close in age to him were huge blessings in his life and in mine.  Oftentimes when they were little,  they were my lifesaver for that day or that minute....when I could see things about to go awry....they could get him through it.  They could relate to him so much better than I often could.  I was so busy trying to follow his picture schedule or routine and walking on pins and needles, that I would get myself worked up about it and end up making things worse. As he has grown, there are still challenges....but they are very different and so am I.  I have become much more laid back.  Throwing away his picture schedule was one of the best decisions I ever made.  Don't misunderstand....it was essential for a while, but when he and I became so dependent on it that it ruled our lives; it was time to go.  Cal is now able to understand words better, he is able to understand emotions...his own and other people's much better; and that has made a huge difference.  Some of this came naturally as he has gotten older but most of it came through the help of his therapists and teachers.  The main challenge I see now is how he is treated by others.  Those who know him and take the time to get to know him treat him wonderfully.  It's oftentimes those who don't know him, who just aren't sure how to respond.  When you talk to him now, it is very apparent within the first few minutes that he has special needs.  Some people see this and embrace and engage him wholeheartedly, and some people are very visibly uncomfortable.  It doesn't make me angry or upset anymore (except when people will leave the park when we are there, because they don't want their children swinging next to a big 16 year old boy, holding a black cloth napkin and asking them random questions that they would never have any idea how to answer); but that doesn't happen very often.  It is what it is....people are accepting or they are not.  I've had to learn that through the years, and I've had to learn to tame my mama bear instincts as well.  We are all humans, and I can guarantee you I have not treated every single person I've ever met the way they should be treated.  I can honestly say that if I had not been blessed by this boy, I don't know how I would have reacted to a 16 year old boy asking me "Do you know the muffin man?"  or  "Is Harold a helicopter or a bus?" while invading your personal space.  Having Cal has taught me many many things: he has taught me not to take anything for granted, to do my best to live in the moment; but mainly that people need to be treated with love.  We are all different, but to Jesus; we are all loved the same. Cal may ask me the same question hundreds of times in one afternoon, but there are many things that he doesn't do that are pretty awesome: Cal doesn't lie...he doesn't know how to, he doesn't cave to peer pressure, he is not glued to an iPhone, he doesn't forget to do his chores, he is never involved in drama, he doesn't argue, he doesn't conform as Romans 12:2 reminds us.  He is who he is....what you see is what you get; and sometimes that makes him the easiest of them all.

Adios

I think....am pretty sure....almost confident....maybe....that we are moving.  Of course things have to go just perfectly, the stars have to align, the heavens may need to part, and there may be peace on earth before it all works out the way we think it should in our ever so intelligent brains; but....I'm pretty confident it's going to happen.  Where we live, the market for sellers is really good.  Where we want to live, the house is really bad...but oh so good.  In other words, it's a complete gut job; but my oh my the potential.  Every since the first time I drove by a few months ago, I've lay awake at night, had visions and day dreams and sparkly fun thoughts in my head of what.it.could.be.  I'm giddy, but I'm also trying not to be giddy just in case.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE our current house....our home....the only place our children have ever lived.  I thought we would live here until they were all grown and then one of them would buy it, but things change.  It is time for us to go.  I wish, so wish, that we could move our house with us; but that would never be allowed....even though we own our house outright....we would have a huge fight on our hands.  If we could though, we would...or at least I would.  I love my house, but it is a house not the memories; and I have to remember that.  I am very particular about the homestead I live in, preserving the old, keeping the history, etc.; so it makes me sad to know someone else will come in and destroy the integrity of our beautiful old house.  But I also realize that when you're willing to let it go, then you have to let it go.  Anyway....there are many things that have to work out, but I feel it in my bones...we are moving.

Happy Father's Day 2015!

It's Father's Day.....the day dedicated to honoring "fathers".  I was fortunate to have a wonderful father for 38 years of my life.  He was an amazingly funny, sweet, kind and devoted man.  I adored my dad....I have a problem using past tense, because I still adore him. My dad was the best Papa to my kids I could have ever hoped for.  He loved my babies with every ounce of his being, and they loved him back.  My baby girl never had the privilege of meeting Papa face to face, and that makes me sad sometimes; because I know the bond they would have had.  She is funny....really funny....and sweet like him.  My kids are also so fortunate to have the father they have.  NPayne is all I could have ever hoped for and more as a father to our children.  I don't ever remember having a discussion with him, before we married, about having children.  I just assumed he knew I wanted some.  Once we started, I quickly discovered I wanted a bunch....and he discovered my desire as well.  ;)  Neil is patient and kind and embraces each of our children in their strengths and weaknesses.  He helps direct them with Godly advice and loves them with his whole heart and soul.  He blesses us by just being who he was created to be, and I could not be more grateful to have him in our lives.  Neil, however, never had the privilege of knowing his own father.  He died when NPayne was just one year old.  We've heard stories and seen photos, but "missing" his father is an understatement.  Today in church, he looked at me and said....I never liked going to church on Father's Day as a kid.  It broke my heart for him.  Madalyn, my mother-in-law, served as father and mother to Neil and his sisters; and she did so very well.  He never had a "father figure" so to speak, but he had a mother who worked hard and loved enough for 2 parents.  I am forever indebted to her in raising him to be the wonderful man he is.  So today, we give thanks for all the people who have been a "father" to us....whether that is a man/woman or relative/non-relative.  And for those who have not had anyone love them as a "father" would, I will pray that they will always feel the unconditional and devoted love from the best father there is....Jesus.

Pretty Music

I've been listening to a lot of classical music aka "pretty music".  It takes me back to a season when my car was full of car seats with babies and toddlers spilling out of them, a time of chaos and not enough hands.  It takes me back to my children being so little.  It takes me back to Addi saying, "Put on the pretty music, so they can take a nap."  It worked every time.  That seems like such a long time ago and like just yesterday all at once.  WOW!  Time....

RESISTANCE

I am not sure what to write....I have had so many things in my head for so many minutes, hours, days, weeks, years....I don't know how to comprehend most of it.  It seems to be more and more to try to figure out as each day passes.  I strongly feel God is leading me in a direction that is not supported by many.  I will continue to pray for guidance, but I don't think I'm the stumbling block.  I don't think God wants you to leave all you know and love either, or does He?  I don't know.
I just started reading "The War of Art", and it is all about resistance in things you feel led to do.  Everyone faces resistance....everyone....but we can beat it if we realize what it is.  I am realizing and now I have to figure out how to fight it.

Addison Jo Payne....High School Graduate!

For the past year, I've been dreading this day...3 of my girls moving on up...one from elementary to middle, one from middle to high school and one from high school to adulthood/college/she can vote/she doesn't need me to go to the doctor with her anymore/she could leave the country if she wanted to/etc./etc.etc. I wasn't dreading it because of where they are going or coming from. I wasn't dreading it because they are growing up....growing up is part of life. I wasn't dreading it because time is flying. I mean after all....that's one of the main goals as a parent....your children becoming productive, responsible, kind, serving, caring adults. I was dreading it because change is coming for our family. I was dreading it because I know how much we are going to miss seeing Addi every single day. It's going to be a big adjustment. Sometimes if I find myself thinking about it too much, my head hurts. We've had a lot of change this past year, and it has been very very difficult; so I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible. But recently I started thinking about it in a different way. Change can be hard, but sometimes you do your best growing there. As I was sitting at the graduation ceremony, I was thinking about the past 18 years....the first time I held her and looked at that beautiful face into those beautiful eyes. I was thinking about how I use to hold her and weep, because I had never known love like that before. I was thinking about my own mother and remembering the time I called her, a few days after Addi was born, to tell her..."I get it now. You really really love me. Thank you for loving me like that." I was thinking about the sacrifices my oldest has made for her siblings and how she has always done so without complaint....I mean NEVER did she complain. I was thinking about how she loves them all so very much and how they love her back. It is a sweet, pure, devoted love they share; and it is beautiful to see. And I was thinking about the person she has become, her gentle spirit and sweet sweet soul. She is sweet to the bone. God definitely had a big part in that. She has allowed Him to mold her and use her, and I am so very thankful for that.....so so thankful! I was thinking about all the people in her life, who have been wonderful role models, inspiration and support for her. WOW! It's amazing and comforting to know that many people love your baby. Today I thought I would cry all day long with this sad sad place in my heart, because I've been gearing myself up to dread this day all year long. But for the last few weeks, I've found myself very excited for Addi. Now I'm not saying I didn't cry at all today, because crying is almost an inert response for me in many every day situations....I'm just emotional like that. I did cry at my 5th graders clap out, but so did Addi. Seeing your 18 year old holding tight to her 11 year old sister while they cry together....people that will about bring you to your knees. I did get choked up during the Salute to the Armed Forces during the graduation ceremony....especially when those seniors who are already signed up to serve our country stood up in their caps & gowns...so humbling and grateful. I shed a quiet tear when Dr. Ryan, our superintendent, hugged my girl so tight on that stage after she received her diploma. I could see how proud he was for her. She has known him her whole life through our church family. But today....I am not sad. I cried a few times but I did not cry out of sadness. I am excited for what the future holds. Our world is a fallen place with many bad bad things, but there is good in so many of our youth....I can see it in their faces, their actions, their sacrifices. It gives me hope. There were many cheers, hoots & hollers tonight as each name was called. There are definitely a lot of proud families tonight....with good reason....and that makes me smile. Our CHHS principal, Conrad Streeter, closed the ceremony tonight with this advice: stick close to your family and friends...they are your support, hold tight to your faith, and from this moment on....time flies....so live in the moment. I hope everyone there tonight....especially all of those seniors were listening....because he is so so right. Change is hard, and it is not always easy; but oftentimes it is necessary....it's what's next....and next is on the horizon.