WISE WORDS

One of the best pieces of wisdom I've heard is this:  If you're feeling down, go find someone to serve.  I cannot tell you how true this wisdom has been for me.  I have shared this wisdom with my family, my friends and anyone who will listen.  I understand that there are very legitimate reasons to feel down, believe me, I understand...especially during the holiday season.  However I also understand, from putting this advice into practice, that it is some of the truest wisdom I've ever heard.  Serving can manifest itself in many different ways.  Sometimes it can be intentionally praying for someone who needs prayer.  Sometimes it can be inviting someone into your home for a meal.  Sometimes it can be mowing your neighbor's grass just to help her out.  Sometimes it can be providing food donations at a food bank. Sometimes it can be gathering a group of volunteers to do repairs in someone's home. Sometimes it can be teaching children how to play the drums at VAST.  Sometimes it can be doing the dishes when it's not your dish night. Sometimes it can be sending that hand written card you've been meaning to send. Sometimes it can be looking someone in the eye, taking their hand in yours and truly listening when they need someone to listen.   Jesus calls us to serve humbly in His name, every day, not just when we feel like it or it's easy.  In all honesty, sometimes the last thing I want to do when I'm struggling is serve. When I first heard these wise words and started to put this advice into practice, it definitely helped put things in perspective.  It didn't erase my sorrows but did help me focus more on gratitude. Although there is a time for sadness and despair, there is also a time for joy and rejoicing. I pray that this nugget of knowledge will help us remember to praise God in our storms....especially during the holiday season.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.  Mark 10:45

There’s a season for everything
    and a time for every matter under the heavens:     
 a time for giving birth and a time for dying,
    a time for planting and a time for uprooting what was planted,    
 a time for killing and a time for healing,
    a time for tearing down and a time for building up,    
 a time for crying and a time for laughing,
    a time for mourning and a time for dancing,     
 a time for throwing stones and a time for gathering stones,
    a time for embracing and a time for avoiding embraces,   
  a time for searching and a time for losing,
    a time for keeping and a time for throwing away,    
 a time for tearing and a time for repairing,
    a time for keeping silent and a time for speaking,   
  a time for loving and a time for hating,
    a time for war and a time for peace.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26

ELECTION 2016

I'm not a political person....I'm not even sure what that means except that I am just not that into politics.  I'm just not.  I have a lot of faults and one of them is not being in the "know" about many things government related.  Now I could try to explain this, and I have spent some time recently trying to explain this to myself.  I've come to this conclusion....I stopped watching the news and reading the paper many many years ago.  It was right after the Oklahoma City Bombing, because I found myself consumed with sadness and fear and falling into a deep state of depression.  This has kept me out of the "know" for a long time.  However now there's social media, and I could be in the "know" about government related things if I chose to.  How accurate and truthful the information is...well that could be argued both ways.  However I am still not in the "know", and admittedly this is mainly by choice.  As I've thought about this over the last few months, I have thought a lot about my family.  My papaw and mamaw were die hard democrats.  In fact, my papaw was an elected official for as long as I can remember.  He served as county clerk and then county judge in his community.  My mama, their daughter, was a very much a republican; although she may have voted democrat at some point in her life....but I would be surprised.  They were all 3 some of the most influential people in my life for many reasons, but politics wasn't one of them; or maybe it was??  Growing up, I didn't understand the differences between democrats and republicans.  All I knew was there was a donkey and an elephant involved, and every time my papaw won an election; my mama would take him another donkey.  This wasn't for lack of my mom trying....believe me, she told me all about what it meant to be a democrat and a republican. I remember many intense discussions between my mama and her parents over this topic, and I remember feeling uncomfortable; because I am NOT A FAN OF CONFRONTATION...even a little bit.  My mama....oh she was a big fan of confrontation....and was not one to let her views lie unheard.  However I never remember their conversations being hateful or rude or egotistical.  They were matter of fact, respectful, and always ended with agreeing to disagree.   As I grew older and approached voting age, I started paying attention a little bit more to politics; so I could make informed decisions.  Honestly I don't really pay that much attention to who is running for office until it gets right down to it, and then....I will start doing my research.  Like many, I have certain things that I really want to go a certain way.  These are the things I look at first...which way does each candidate lean?  How do they plan on approaching these things?  How will it benefit or not benefit our nation and our world?  Then I try to listen to the rest.  However this election....it took it out of me.  I could barely start to research Clinton or Trump without all sorts of information spewing out.  I'll admit that I might have voted for someone in the past to try to keep someone else out of office, but usually I felt very confident in my choice.  This time....I did not.  Right up until I went to the polls and had the voting sheet in front of me, I wasn't sure what to do; but I cast my vote. It wasn't democrat or republican, but I was confident in my candidate.  Honestly if the line had been long, and I didn't have my adult daughter with me who wanted to vote in her first election; I would have turned around and come home.
As a Christian, I 100% believe that God is in control; and that He will bring good.  It is up to us to find the good, share the good,  love and serve Him by loving and serving others. I do find myself losing a little faith in mankind, from time to time, but I never lose faith in JESUS!   So no matter if you woke up with a big smile on your face or swollen eyes, remember who has our back!  Love like He loves us, and everything will be okay!

All Saints Day...Russ!

I've had a lot on my heart, my mind, my hands.  I know that if I don't write it down right that minute, it will never get written; so much of it will never get written.  This time of year takes me back to the death of my dad.  Today is the anniversary of his death 11 years ago.  So much of that time is a blur, but the things I remember were meant to be remembered and to bring me encouragement and peace. Yesterday in church we honored our saints for All Saints Day.  The first song played was "I'll Fly Away".  I immediately smiled and looked at my husband, and he knew what I was thinking.  We played that song at my dad's funeral on Nov. 11, 2005.  My dad was the greatest.  He was funny and kind and tender.  He had his faults and was not perfect, but really he was just the best I could have ever hoped for in a father.   I miss him like crazy, and I really miss him like crazy for his grandkids.  He was such a great Papa.  When he was diagnosed with lung cancer that summer, it had already spread to his brain and bones.  It was only a few short months later that he passed.  It's such an odd feeling trying to prepare yourself to say goodbye to someone, who is one of the biggest pieces of your life,  all the while trying to hold on to some hope that things will change all in a few short months.  The first time I saw him seize and then scream out in pain, I knew time remaining with him was short.  As hard as it was, I was so very thankful that I was there when he died.  I have found myself getting in a funk sometimes when I think about my kids without grandparents and Neil and I without parents, but God continues to give me peace and show me the blessings we have in our lives because of our saints.  Thanks Be To God!

Would I Change Him?

Lately I've had some ask me about my son, Callahan.  They want to know more about him, they want to know more about autism, they want to know more about Fragile X.  People are curious, because there's so much unknown that encircles autism.  When he was little, things were difficult.  I don't remember every single day being hard, but I remember a lot of the hard days.  However I remember rejoicing in the milestones and the firsts too, maybe even more than I remember them for the girls. As he has gotten older, things have gotten so much easier.  Transitions are easier for him, conversations are easier for him, people are easier for him.  I don't know if life is easier for him, or if he just copes better.  Sometimes I think life may be more difficult now, because I know that he knows he's different.  I remember someone once telling me about a class where professionals would help us learn how to explain to our special needs son that he was different and why.  I also remember thinking how ridiculous that was, because I thought he would never understand that or even realize that he was different.  Then one summer day while we were swimming (something I never thought he would do), it happened:  he walked over to me, looked thoughtfully into my eyes and asked, "What do I have?"  I immediately felt that tug at my heart and my eyes well up as I tried to decipher just what he was asking me...even though I knew exactly what he was asking.  He stared at me with a questioning look and expression of concern.  I took a deep breath and gave him the answer that I use to give the girls and other kids when they would ask me about Cal.  I said, "You have autism.  It means your brain works differently."  He stared at me a minute, nodded his head and jumped back into the pool.  My head immediately started to pound, and I fought back tears for a long time while I watched him play.  I was wrong....he did know that he was different.  Not long after that, I read "The Reason I Jump"; and I became acutely aware that my son probably understood much more than I had ever given him credit.  There were parts of that book that brought me joyful tears, and there were parts that brought me tears of sorrow; but the book was extremely insightful.  I have always been careful not to talk about Cal as if he is not present, just like I would not talk about my "typical" girls as if they weren't present.  Sometimes when he hears a conversation involving him, I can tell by the look on his face that he is listening intently; and I always steer it towards being appropriate for his ears.  Oftentimes, he will ask me about it afterwards, and I always answer him as honestly as I can.  Lately I've had a few ask me if I could, would I change Cal?  I've thought about this a lot, and I know most are wondering about the diagnosis and not the person he is.  One thing I know is this:  I want Cal to be happy, just like I want my "typical" children to be happy.  I know this is a very ambiguous answer, but that's because I feel like it would be very selfish of me to say yes I would change him when he is happy; but I also feel like it would be very selfish of me to say no I wouldn't change him if he is not.  Cal is a wonderful young man, and I'm not just saying that because he's my son.  Ask anyone who knows him, and they will agree.  He is very loved and very good at loving others.  And for now, he is happy!

September 28th....The Best Day of 2003!!

Happy 13th BDay Bryna Mae Payne. B-Nut, you're finally a teenager! My wild child who looks like one grandmother and is the life of the party like the other grandmother. They are looking down on you and smiling big today! We let Addi and Drew choose your name, and they chose the best name for you. Bryna which means "strong one" or "hope" was the perfect name for you, since you spent your first 8 days of life very sick in the NICU! Mae is lovingly after your 2 great grandmothers. You are so much fun and always so comfortable in who you are. We love that you smile so big your eyes squint up where we can hardly see them. We love that you keep music and dancing alive in our house every day. We love that you have the sweetest heart. We love that you are ours. Keep those creative juices flowing, keep smiling, keep dancing, and keep loving so big. I would say dance like no one is watching, but you always did like an audience.  ;) I adore you my sweet teenager. Happiest of days!!

COLOR

Black, white, grey, orange, blue, red, purple, yellow, turquoise, brown, green, pink....and so on and so on.  Colors....they make things so lovely in our world.  Don't ya think?  In some parts of the world, colors can change the looks of things, depending on the season:  when grass goes from emerald green to light gold, or leaves turn orange and yellow?  What about the sky?  Texas has beautiful skies.  Some nights the sunset is the orangest of oranges, and some nights it's purple or pink.  On clear days, it's the loveliest of blues.  Then there's things like hair color: mine happens to be red in a house full of dark dark browns and blondes.  What about flowers?  I bet there's at least one flower from every part of the color wheel in the world.  Oh and of course animals, from black & white zebra stripes to brown & yellow giraffe spots to the most colorful of parrots.  Think about all the ways color adds beauty to our earth, and how well it all works together.  I think people are the same.  We are individual and unique and beautiful.  We add beauty to our earth by our colorful physical attributes.  I hope that someday we can all add beauty to our earth by the way we love,  and that we can work together the way it was intended.  I hope that people will be embraced and appreciated for what they are...another of God's beautiful creations.

UNCONDITIONAL

It was about 10 years ago when they became friends. They were in 2nd grade when these 2 boys approached their teacher and suggested that they be Cal's helpers in the class. She told Neil and I that she thought peers would be very successful with Cal in the classroom. He didn't know how to read, and she was having a challenging time trying to keep him engaged during the required 3o minutes of silent reading each day. We thought this sounded like an awesome plan. She was right, and Cal's first friendships were made. What started as reading buddies has grown into so much more. He was never invited to many birthdays, social events, sleepovers or parties. But over these past 10 years, these 2 boys have loved my boy unconditionally. They aren't embarrassed or annoyed by his quirkiness and his gazillion questions. They have embraced him and encouraged him, and he has learned a lot from them...like how to play baseball which he loves and how to be a friend. This year, they are seniors. They will all walk across the stage in June, and two of them will get their diplomas; and go on to college. My boy will start his years in transition, and receive his diploma few years later; and who knows...maybe he will go to college after that. He does keep asking us about college. Today, between their busy senior year schedules, we got together for about an hour to take some photos. It was like watching those three 2nd grade boys all over again. And when I was driving home thinking about these 3 and how us 3 mamas would clear our schedules and sit down together to look at these photos and probably cry, I cried all the way home. Cal just sat quietly and let me cry, and he didn't ask me one question. When I got home, I got the text that said, "I cried all the way home thinking about the sweetness of these boys." And I smiled and cried a little more. I think most parents want their kids to have good friends, to be encouraged, to be accepted. I have wanted that so much, it has made my heart physically ache at times. And although it hasn't always been that way for Cal, I can say that it has been since 2nd grade.

Growing Up

My eyes popped open, and I sat up in bed.  I don't remember what I was dreaming, but I remember thinking....she was a little girl just a few days ago and now she's not.  I remember the dream was about Drew.  Maybe it was because we had been watching old family videos where everyone was so little, or maybe it was because a picture of 2 year old Drew showed up in my Time Hop. Maybe it was because we've been discussing college options and with her and teaching her to drive.   I don't know why this particular dream was about just her, when they are all getting big.  What I know is that life was busy and full and hard and fun and challenging when there were 5 who were 9 and under. Although many things are easier now, there's still hard and challenging; and there's still fun and full.  Watching them grow into adults and have to make decisions is exciting and overwhelming.  Now, more than ever, I find myself questioning my parenting and praying I've done a good job.  I want them to be happy, kind, loving and productive people who give back and are grateful.  Puberty is hard, adulting is hard, growing up is hard.  I am thankful for these people put in my care, and I pray that they will learn gentleness, patience, peacefulness, self control, loveliness, kindness, goodness, joy and faithfulness through me. Galatians 5:22-25  Lord...hear my prayer.

Lean In!

This time last year was difficult....so difficult.  Although the story is not mine to tell, I can tell you that my heart was breaking.  This year things are soooo much better....sooooo much!  I almost hesitate to write that or say that or share that, because of that old worry about jinxing something that's going good.  What I really need to say is this....time can heal and in time, things can become new again.  I believe this with all my heart, however....I don't think time works alone.  I think the key to allowing time to run its course is leaning into God so much that there is nowhere else to go.  Leaning in and trusting with your whole being is the hardest thing in the world...especially when you want things to go much faster or much different.  I've known for a long time that I am not in control, but I still try to make things go the way I think they should.  Over the last few years, I've seen that oftentimes they won't.  Sometimes this doesn't make sense, and I'll admit that I still don't understand many things; but I do see something good in every circumstance.  Sometimes God is saving me from someone else, and sometimes God is saving me from myself.  Either way....HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING, and I am thankful.

September 3....Best Day of 2006!!

Happy 10th Birthday Elliot Ann Payne! Elliot which means "The Lord Is My God" or "Thanks Be To God" suits you perfectly as you were an answered prayer. Ann is after some special people in our lives...my lifelong friend Cynthia, my cousin Julie and a very special lady I taught with many years ago. I cannot believe TEN years have past, since we welcomed you into our hearts. It seems like you should still be two, maybe because you always tell me "I wish I was two again". You are a mini version of myself, and I see my daddy's eyes every time I look into yours; but you definitely have your own personality. You're spunky, kind hearted, a peacemaker, sensitive and the absolute funniest person in all of the land. I'm so grateful you asked me to school you at home this year, because the time we have been given has already blessed my life so very much. I simply cannot imagine life without you in it. Your heart, soul and face are beautiful. Keep shining, dancing, laughing, being silly, growing; but mostly keep loving so deep, because you love others well. I adore you Elli Cinderelli With A Belly Full Of Jelly!!