"Just Be A Kid"

I've been thinking about my kids a lot, not that I don't always, but more about them each as individuals.  They are similar but different in many ways.  One thing I've really been mulling over is the pressure society, parents, friends, school, church, family put on them to be "the best" or to "fit in".   If you're a parent, or even if you're not, you probably can relate to this post on some level.  I was talking with my middle schooler the other day about her extra curricular life, and I had to break the news that soon she would have to choose one thing to focus on and participate in.  Some of this is due to finances and some due to time but most is due to expectations.  I had to tell her that even though many of her teachers and coaches would lead her to believe she can participate in a multitude of things, the reality is she can't.  The pressure to be the best, in most cases, outweighs the need to be well rounded or enjoy many different things once you get to be a certain age.  And it seems like that age is getting younger and younger.  It makes me sad that because a few of my kids chose to "just be a kid" when they were younger and elected not to be involved in some sort of organized activity, they are now not able to participate in anything; because they aren't "good enough".  I am not sure how this is positive for most, but for my children it is not.  They aren't allowed to join sports, choirs, bands, classes, etc.;  because they don't have the experience or knowledge that they needed to learn when they were little bitty.  Instead they were busy building mud pies, playing make believe, going on adventures and reading books.  I chose to allow them to do those things and not force them into anything, and now they aren't welcomed into much of anything.  How are they suppose to learn if the door is shut so early?  I know it's about balance, but it seems to me that the scale tips very heavily in one direction.  Although my girls can read music, play an instrument, write amazing stories, paint, sing, and many other things;  their lack of "experience" oftentimes keeps them out.  Believe me they have experience, it just might not be with an organized team or group.  And even if they do have experience with an organized team or group, which a few do, it never seems good enough.  More hours, more money, more time away from family and no time for anything else.  I do greatly appreciate the leaders, who are upfront and tell you from the start, what the time and financial commitment will be.  But it still makes me sad that there are oftentimes no options for children to participate, if you don't have the money or don't want them to spend 90% of their time away from home.  I don't know the answer, but I wish I did.  I do know that I don't regret letting my kids "just be kids", and I hope they don't either.

The Journey

• The other day I was physically reminded about gratitude once again. I had been in the car for a while, and anytime I stand or sit for a bit; stiffness and pain settle into my joints so intensely. I'm slow to get moving again right after. I got out of my car to go into Starbucks to pass some time while waiting for Drew. The minute I stepped out, the pain was piercing and hardcore. I winced and immediately thought UGH! It was only a second later that my eyes met the woman's, who was sitting on the patio in her wheelchair. I instantly felt that nudge towards gratitude for my body...ailing and all! I walked into Starbucks and my eyes went right to the amputee sitting at his table reading the paper and drinking his tea. I thought to myself, "God I hear ya! I do! And I'm thankful for my body, even though it's so far from perfectly working." Every now and again, I feel myself getting into the pit of being consumed with the negatives instead of the positives; and almost always God nudges me towards the positives. He reminds me that this earthly life is a journey but not the destination! Glory to God!! 
• “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James‬ ‭1:2-4‬
• "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Romans 8:18
•  "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

Shy Is Okay

I've always struggled with self image....physically and socially.  I use to be way too concerned about what people thought of me.  My self image and worth were always in question.  Did I offend them?  Will they forgive me?  Did I hurt their feelings?  Why didn't they reply?  Why wasn't I invited?  As a child, I was painfully shy.  It has taken and still takes work and intentionality on my part to work through that.  When I started writing this post, I though I would never say I have overcome it; but then I looked up the definition of "overcome".

o·ver·come

ˌōvərˈkəm/

verb

1. succeed in dealing with (a problem or difficulty).

   
   

   "she worked hard to overcome her paralyzing shyness"

   synonyms:

   get the better of, prevail over, control, get/bring under control, master, conquer, defeat, beat; More

   • defeat (an opponent); prevail.

     
     

     "without firing a shot they overcame the guards"

     synonyms:

     defeat, beat, conquer, trounce, thrash, rout, vanquish, overwhelm, overpower, get the better of, triumph over, prevail over, win over/against, outdo, outclass, worst, crush;More

   • (of an emotion) overpower or overwhelm.

     
     

     "she was obviously overcome with excitement"

     synonyms:

     overwhelmed, emotional, moved, affected, speechless "I was overcome"

I have "overcome" it as far as gaining some control and addressing it.  I'll never defeat it, and as I've gotten older; I realize I don't need to.  It's part of who I am.  Being shy use to be considered as a negative attribute and honestly it still is by many.  I remember always feeling less because of it.  Over the last few years, I've started believing it's not negative unless you allow it to be...just like most things.  There were times when my shyness would have caused me to miss out on something I really wanted to be part of which was my main motivator for addressing it.  In the past, some thought I was rude or unsocial as well.  This made things even more challenging.
It wasn't until I was well into my forties that I realized being shy shouldn't be considered something negative.  One of my daughters is painfully shy, just like I was as a child.  I could never get her to try much of anything new or step outside her comfort zone.  She also suffers from sever anxiety, something I never knew much about until recent years.  Even now it's difficult for her.  I always wanted for her to not feel the things I had felt for being so shy.  I wanted her to know she was not less because of it.  For summers as long as I can remember, she has attended a summer day camp with one of her best friends.  She LOVED it and looked forward to it every summer.  In fact, she works there now.  One of the things they do during the week is give the kids a bible verse to memorize.  The goal is for the campers to recite it on Friday.  One day many summers ago, I was helping her memorize the verse:
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; our works are wonderful.  I know that full well.
Each day as she recited it, I corrected and encouraged; but I didn't really listen to the words until years later.  I had heard that verse a ton of times previously, but I didn't really listen.  One day I asked all of my kids what their favorite verse was. Without hesitation, she recited it to me perfectly.  This time I really listened to the words, and I immediately know why she had chosen that scripture.  Those words meant more to her than a treat for memorizing a verse at the end of camp.  They described her to Her Father.  They validated her as a person.  They told her that it was okay to be shy.  They meant she was loved as a shy, anxious little girl.  She had understood that verse better than I had.
A few weeks ago, she was working at camp and was assigned to assist the nurse.  A very shy child came into the nurse's office one day who wasn't feeling well.  The nurse was busy, so she asked my daughter to call the little girl's mom.  When she was talking to the mom, the mom told her that her daughter was very shy and suffered from anxiety and stress (this sweet little bitty girl).  It sometimes manifested itself as illness.  My girl knew immediately what she meant and could relate to this little lady so well.  She hung up with the mom and approached the child.  She began telling her all about herself and her own struggle with shyness, stress and anxiety.  The little girl listened carefully and then began to engage in conversation with my girl....something that had not happened when she first came in.  When she was telling me about this later in the day, I knew (and so did she) that was a God moment.  God knew that my girl could offer comfort and encouragement to this child....HIS CHILD! One of the ways He used her shyness for good.   One of the ways that she was able to help someone else know that she was fearfully and wonderfully made.  One of the ways that He could reiterate again that she was enough.  One of the ways that she could share His love and adoration with someone else. He knows what He's doing, doesn't He?  He doesn't make mistakes.  I love it when He orchestrates situations, so we can see Him at work.

Love Is Hard

Matthew 22:36-40

  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
  Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

1 Corinthians 16:14

  Do everything in love.


For as long as I can remember, love has been overflowing in my life.  My parents loved a lot.  My grandparents loved a lot.  My extended family loves a lot.  My friends love a lot.  My kids love a lot.  My husband loves a lot.  I have always felt the love.  Of course there have been times when I have not, but I've never thought love was a difficult thing.  I've never thought of it as a sacrifice or a burden or anything other than wonderful.  I've never thought it as hard.  In fact, I oftentimes find myself bewildered and in a complete state of confusion at the hate that exists.  Then Saturday, I went to a funeral.  Every time I attend a funeral, I learn something or hear something in a different way.  At this particular service, there was much shared about love and acceptance and kindness given from the amazing woman who has passed; but there was one statement that stuck out to me.  It's one I've heard many times before and have even stated myself, but for some reason; it hit me differently this time.  As her grandson spoke so tenderly about his grandmother, he shared his truth.  He shared that grief was the debt we pay for love.  He shared that at some point, he would be able to celebrate the victory his granny had won; but it was not today....the pain was too much.  I know that feeling, I know it well.  The honesty in his words rang true and pierced my heart, but it mostly made me think.  Love is not always easy.  Sometimes loving people is very hard, and yes the grief we feel as a result of loss is the debt we pay for love.  As I thought about his words over the next few days, I realized that this is true in any sort of loss of relationship...whether it be by death, divorce, disagreement, gossip, abuse, etc.  I started thinking about relationships that have ended and exploring my feelings for the people involved.  And although I have forgiven many who have hurt me, I had to honestly ask myself if I loved them.  Although I do wish them well and would treat any of them kindly,  I honestly had to come to the realization that there are some that I do not feel any sort of love towards.  In fact, there are some that I would be okay never associating with again, and there are some that I no longer associate; and I've been okay with that.  So today I start asking God to soften my heart and to allow me to genuinely and unconditionally show, not only kindness, but also love to relationships that are lost....even those I may never see again. A truth for me is that it may be easier to show love to someone I've just met than to someone who has hurt me in the past.  I guess that takes more work than I realized, and I guess love is not as easy as I thought; but I know God will be working. 

Life Ever After

Sunday I had to dig through some stuff and find a death certificate for my mom.  When I pulled it out of the envelope and saw that it was one of two left, I had this weird feeling of not wanting to let it go.  I read it over a few times and found myself saying "Three years, already?" On May 5th, my mom will have been gone from this earth for 3 years.  Sometimes it seems like a lot longer but usually it just feels like a few days ago.  I still have such vivid memories of her last few months alive.  It's such an odd feeling not having my parents here with me.  Although I'm surrounded by people who love me, I oftentimes find myself feeling very alone.  God always reassures me, but I guess it's that empty place in my heart that leaves me feeling that way.  Things come along, like Mother's Day or Father's Day or Grandparents' Day; and life is bittersweet.  My children don't have any of their grandparents living, and that breaks my heart every time I think about it.  My grandparents were such instrumental and encouraging people in my life, and so were my children's; but they aren't here.  I believe that they are watching and are present in spirit, and that is what brings me comfort.  Sometimes I have to talk to myself and remind myself how wonderful it is that they are in heaven.  I don't doubt for one second that it is wonderful and that is where the peace comes from.  The grief and pain are always there....always....but they are more manageable when I am reminded of this life after earth, this life ever after, this life with Jesus!

Behold how He loved him!

Today Elliot read me the story of Lazarus in the book of John.  I've heard this story many many times before.  I've studied Mary and Martha.  I've even studied the book of John several times as it is one of my favorites.  But today as she read, I took notice of some words that I don't remember before..."Behold how He loved him!"  Jesus wept, not because of Lazarus's death; because He knew He was going to raise Lazarus back to the living.  He wept, because of the mourning and heartbreak of those who loved Lazarus....particularly his sisters, Mary and Martha.  I have thought about those two words, "Jesus wept", often as I've contemplated Jesus feeling sadness for us which I believe He does.  But I've never paid close attention to the words that followed, "Behold how He loved him!"  The Jews believed that Jesus was weeping, because Lazarus was dead which as I mentioned above was not the case.  They believed his weeping was a sign of his love for Lazarus, and yes Jesus did love Lazarus; but he also knew Lazarus would be raised.  As I read those words, I was reminded how death whether it be actual physical or by broken relationship or illness or any other way; and the grief we feel as a result is also a result of the love we shared.  "Behold how He loved him!"  Words like these have been in my heart several times as I've lost people I love so very much, yet I am just now noticing them for the first time in The Bible.  I've been thinking about and missing my parents so much, and isn't it awesome how God orchestrated this time on this day for me to take notice of these words?  These words that are a peaceful reminder of love.

FIVE CHILDREN

I have five children.  Although there are times when that feels like a lot of people, in all honesty I don't think five children is a lot.  I don't think a family of 7 is ginormous unless you are waiting to use the one tiny downstairs bathroom in the house.  If you think about it, five is one more than four and two more than three.  Now ten....that's a lot!!  When they were all little, it looked like a lot of people when we would go somewhere; and we would get all sorts of comments...some kind, some not.  Now that they are big, it looks like I'm hanging out with a bunch of friends and one 10 year old. Yes I know the average cost of raising a child is in the several hundred thousands, yes that's true; so one or two additional may have a profound financial impact.  In fact, I know it does.  For example, we have never flown anywhere all together.  In fact, Addi is the only Payne child who has ever been on a plane. We have a difficult time finding affordable places to stay that allow five children, going out to an "inexpensive" dinner is usually not really that "inexpensive", buying good tennis shoes for five is pricey, compact car is not an option, and I could go on; but there are also other profound impacts of having a house full of children.  They always have someone to hang out with, chores can be done much faster, car ride is never boring, they learn so much from each other, lots of stuff to share, many people to laugh with and cry with, but mostly so much love given and received.  Of course they don't always get along, but that's true in most families whether there's 2 or 10.  One thing I believe is this:  if you're thinking about adding another to your family, do it....you may always regret not adding one, but I bet you will never regret it if you do.

To Love Like That

Last week was our spring break, and I was home for about 48 hours total for the entire week.  I did a lot of driving.  I took my 16 year old, Drew, and her friend Riley to Asheville North Carolina to visit their friend Ruby.  Asheville is like being in another world.  It was very different than Grapevine Texas.  Their adorable little house is in the mountains, and their adorable little town is quirky and endearing.  There are many homeless people in Asheville, and there are equally as many or more people there who come to their aid.  Every day that we walked by the park in the middle of the city, there was some sort of gathering where homeless people were being ministered to, through food or music or words.  It was heartwarming.  We visited the most adorable bookstore a few times, and I think I might go there every day if I lived there.  And then the dogs....dogs are welcome everywhere, and I mean every single place you go....even church.  We attended a church service unlike any I've ever attended before.  It was enlightening and uncomfortable at the same time.  There were many different types of people (and dogs) in attendance, and it was nice to be in a place where everyone was welcomed by everyone.  From the moment we sat down, I noticed this sweet little family.  I watched and listened to them nearly the entire service.  There was an expectant mother,  a teenage girl and another woman all who were white; and an adorable little boy who was black.  He was about 6 years old and very active.  His mama kept looking back at him as he lay in the aisle coloring to ensure that he wasn't misbehaving.  At first his focus seemed to jump from place to place and so did he, but after about 10 minutes; he settled into his coloring.  I kept finding myself staring at him in his bright yellow sweater and rain boots.  His skin was perfect and so was his beautiful curly hair.  As I watched him color, the sweetest thing happened.  He gently took the hand of the teenage girl, who was sitting in a chair beside him, and stroked his cheek with her hand.  Then he just held it gently to his cheek with his eyes closed and savored her touch.  She had been journaling and noticed his gesture with a sweet smile and then she reached down and tenderly kissed the top of his head.  No words were spoken, but their love was strong and so very evident.  There were no color barriers or age barriers or gender barriers, there was just love.  It was pure and whole and just like Jesus's love. Someday I pray our entire world will have a love like that.

Lent

Yesterday I asked a dear friend what she was giving up for Lent.  She said, "Oh I don't give anything up, because I can never stick to it.  I always take something on."  I have done both in the past....given up and taken on, and I had decided to do both simultaneously this year.  I have been contemplating what to give up, because I wanted it to be something hard.  I had almost decided on giving up all sugar, but since yesterday I've been rethinking that decision.  I have thought a lot about my friend's answer, because she is truly one of the most selfless and serving people I've ever met.  I respect her 110%, and I know her decision is from a place of purity and honesty and knowing her strengths.  After meditating on this and praying, I've decided not to give up sugar.  Some people may think this is a cop out.  Deep down I know that I wouldn't stick to this wholeheartedly, and it wouldn't be hard in a "growing closer to Jesus kind of way" but more of in an "irritating and annoyed kind of way"; so I changed my mind.  Instead I'm taking more on.  My family had already decided some things we were taking on together and individually, as well as, some thing we were giving up; but I'm taking on more in my own way as well.  It will be something small every day, something medium every week and something large a several times over the next 40 days.  When we were discussing this tonight after church,  I felt the fire burning inside my spirit; and the longing for Jesus even more.  I think this is the goal for the Lenten season and really for all of our seasons....a burning inside and longing for Jesus!

March 3rd....The Best Day of 1997!!

Happy TWENTIETH Birthday to my first born, Addison Jo Payne! You were the one who started it all, my wonderful journey into motherhood. Life changed so much the minute you were born, and I've felt it all: hard, easy, happy, sad, best, worst, success, failure, confused, confident; but most of all a love like I had never known and so much joy. I remember holding you in my arms and weeping as I stared at your face for weeks after you were born. How could I love someone so much it literally brought me to tears. I remember calling my own mother and saying, "WOW!! YOU LOVE ME A LOT!" I really had no idea how much I was loved until you came into my life. You are quiet, hysterically funny, witty, smart, creative, generous....oh so generous, wise beyond your years, understanding, patient, kind and beautiful. Your heart is good. Your soul is good. Your spirit is good. You are good! You make my life better, and I'm glad God has let me borrow you for these past 20 years. Your pain is my pain. Your joy is my joy. Your sorrow is my sorrow. Your happiness is my happiness. I adore you to infinity and beyond! TWENTY....wow....I still can't believe it!!! What in the world? ;) Now let's party like it's 1999, or 1997 or 2017!!