My One Word: Gentleness!!

Gentleness....it's my one word for the year.  The definition of gentleness is:

gen·tle·ness

ˈjen(t)lnəs/

noun

1. 1. 

   the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered.

   "Michael was admired for his gentleness and tolerance"
2. 2. 

   softness of action or effect; lightness.

   "the gentleness of his touch"

   
   

We are half way through February which is pretty far into the year when you have failed using your one word on a regular basis.  I've thought about this word a lot lately, because I have been failing miserably practicing gentleness.  Yesterday I spent the day with one of my best friends, who is a huge light in my life.  She listened intently as I talked, and she encouraged me.  Today during Sunday School, our lesson was about gratitude and perspective and choosing to be grateful.  I use to be really good at doing this, but lately....not so much.  Our sermon was about worthiness and how God loves us the same at our best and at our worst, again I was encouraged and reminded.  Neil showed me a conversation, on our home iPad, that our youngest Elliot had with herself.  Reading "I wish my mom felt better", made me sad, really sad.    Through all of these things, I realized that I need to re-focus a lot; and be more intentional about getting back into The Word.  I've been so discouraged and sad for many reasons, and my attitude has not been one of love and gentleness; but instead one of fear and frustration.  I don't feel well physically or emotionally, and I need to get back to taking better care of myself.  I've been reading this week trying to figure out what is going on with my body and brain, and honestly it's overwhelming....I'm overwhelmed with the information.  On the other hand, I'm grateful that I am finding some answers.  My body has been failing for years, but my brain has been strong.  Now that my brain is failing, I feel completely out of control of myself; and it scares and frustrates me.  Honestly it is exhausting. I need to re-focus.  I need to get back into The Word.  I need to change my perspective.  I need to allow myself time to rest.  I need to be intentional about gratitude, and then the gentleness will come.  God is good all the time He is good, and with Him all things are possible!

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The Country

I went to a gathering last night at church.  It's a women's ministry designed to help women renew.  We have a meal together and then have music followed by a message.  Cindy, one of our former pastor's, gave the message.  It focused on using God's creation to heal you and nurture you.  I've felt this forever, especially as a little girl on my grandparents' cotton farm.  As long as I can remember my favorite places to be were places I could witness the vastness of creation.  The sky is my favorite thing.  I call it my best friend, because it's always there, it's lovely and it provides light.  I love it and all of its vast beauty and wonder.  Texas skies are breathtaking...especially at sunrise and sunset.  Every week when I am taking Elliot to dance, I ask her to take a picture of the sunset for me.  I have a folder on my phone full of pictures of the sky and one full of clouds.  I have been thinking about making wallpaper out of some of my cloud photos, and one day I'll have a place where the rooms are filled with the sky.  I've wanted to move to the country for a while now, mainly because I long for a simpler life; but also to be more immersed in nature. When I say simpler life, I don't necessarily mean as in "working".  I know having a garden and farm animals would be a lot of work, but it's work I would enjoy.  A place where it didn't cost an arm and a leg to pay your bills, so we could open up our little coffee shop we've been dreaming about (thanks Addi). By simpler, I also mean living in a quiet place where you could see stars every night and lightning bugs too.  A place where stuff didn't accumulate, because there wasn't space for it.  A place where we could walk outside and see the water and sit by the bonfire.  A place where we could see deer in our front yard.  A place where at night, you could hear the sounds of creation; not the sounds of horns honking and sirens.  I am not cut out to be a busy person.  I get very overwhelmed when I'm too busy, wearing too many hats; and I'm not good at multi tasking.  However I am a planner and an organizer, and living in chaos whether it be in my own home or the city causes me such stress.  I honestly believe it's a lot of the reason my health is troubled.  As much as I try to accommodate, I can't seem to do it.   Soon I'm considering renting a cabin on a lake, for a week or so, so I can sit outside and finish writing the book I've started. I cannot imagine a more serene place to focus.  Until then, I'm going to immerse myself in as much nature as I possibly can...a few road trips are in my immediate plans to free my mind.
I think I will start here:

February 5th....The Best Day of 2001!!

Happy 17th Birthday Drew Michelle Payne...definitely the best day of 2001...especially for PaPa, since you were born on his birthday. I remember how excited he was about sharing his day with you. You're my smack dab in the middle, deep thinking, old soul, granola girl with so many talents that you keep to yourself. A sweet, quiet girl with a gentle spirit and a hearty laugh. Humble and so giving, but never wanting the attention on yourself. Simple yet oh so so complicated. For those of us who you let close, we are so so blessed to know you. I love and adore you Drewby Lou! You're my ❤️!!

INVISIBLE People!

We all have seasons in life...different things for everyone, different emotions for everyone, and some people experience the same season as someone else in a very different way.  I think many people go through a season of feeling inadequate, unappreciated or maybe even invisible.  I'm kind of in that season now.  I've been married for over 25 years to the best guy in the world...SUPERMAN...like really he is SUPERMAN!  He connects with people of all ages.  He makes all the money.  He is funny, cute, endearing and much much more.  He has overcome a lot of things in his life, and he has done it with hard work, grace and honesty.  He really is the best person I know.  We have 5 amazing children, 4 girls and 1 boy; and I have been a stay home mom for most of their lives...almost 21 years now.  I've worked part-time here and there, and I own my own photography business; so I contribute monetarily a little.  Neil and I made the decision a long time ago that this would be my role, and I'm so very thankful that I have been able to be home so much with my children.  I'm also extremely thankful that he has supported me in this role and has been the one to support our family monetarily.  Finances have always been a struggle....a very very large struggle, but we always have everything we need and a lot of extra things as well. But 7 people and one income can be a challenge in the area where we live.  I remember being in this season as an older teenager/young adult.  It was a hard time, and I truly felt worthless.  It wasn't anything my parents or friends did, there were some outside circumstances that definitely played a huge role; but that's a story for another time.  I also remember feeling invisible for much of my childhood.  Again it was nothing my family or friends did, it was more of not fitting in to the "norm" in society.  I was painfully shy, you can ready more about that here.   Again I remember being in this season as a wife and mother, after my 4th baby was born.  I knew my role was important, but I remember feeling very unseen.  Until this turn in feeling invisible, I didn't really realize that many other people have experienced this season too.  I remember reading an article written by a woman who was feeling the exact same way.  It changed the way I viewed my role and myself.  I knew then I was building something beautiful and amazing.  As the years have passed since that time and the first time I read that article, I am in that season again....just a pair of hands, a taxi driver, a piggy bank (although mine is down to the pennies), a maid, a grocery store, an embarrassment...you know the rest.  I have felt like a big failure a lot in this role, but I realize I must   trust The Lord to guide me.  I know the work I'm doing is important, the most important work I'll ever do.  And those days when someone says, "You have a great kid"; I know I'm not invisible.  

Happiness....I Was Wrong About You!

Until very recently, I always firmly believed happiness was a choice anyone could make.  I've written about it a few times on my blog and my reasons for believing this.  I've shared this belief with many people. I do still believe that in certain situations and circumstances, happiness can be a choice.  I do, I do believe that.  However recently I was talking with a few different people, one being one of my daughters, and I started to see things differently.  After some really deep conversations, I've realized that not everyone is able to make the choice to be happy.  Sometimes there are things that just won't allow happiness to be an option.  It might be something situational, physical, emotional, circumstantial; but there are people who are not able to choose happiness.   The more I've witnessed this in my own child, as well as, in others; the more I have wondered how many people I've misguided.  WOW...I was so naive.  It doesn't mean that it will never be an available choice, it means that at certain times; it may not. One of the things I recently discovered was telling someone to "choose to be happy", when they cannot figure out how to do that or just don't have that choice as an option, can just make things much worse.  This has been weighing heavily on my heart, mind and soul.  I have let people down with this response....particularly my own child.  I didn't take the time to really listen to her all those years ago when I first began to instruct her to make this choice, and honestly I just didn't remember when I couldn't make that choice either.  There was a time I had, long ago, when I couldn't find happiness anywhere; no matter how hard I looked.  I know now that I didn't want to remember that time or reflect on it, but over the last few years; I've been forced to in order to help guide my own girls and let them know they are not alone.  It's been hard, I mean really hard.  Seeing someone you love with your whole self feel hopeless is truly devastating.  Not being able to help them to the other side is extremely painful...especially when you remember that feeling.  Through all the pain and heartbreak, one thing that I do firmly believe is that God brings good out of all things.  It doesn't mean it's less painful or devastating, but I think it can mean it can possibly help someone else or even yourself see that it wasn't all in vain; and someone else will know he/she is not alone.  As I've been reflecting on my own time of hopelessness, so long ago, this was confirmed for me even more....God brings good....God is good!  As I've grown older, had more life experiences and learned to trust more in Jesus (which is still a huge work in progress); I'm able to see the good more clearly.  It doesn't always mean that I'll be happy.  What I've gained from my relationship with Jesus is an inner joy I can feel even in the unhappiest of times.  It gives me a peace I cannot fully explain. If I didn't have faith and the knowledge that something beautifully perfect awaits, I'm not sure how I would survive sometimes.  But I do, and I am eternally grateful!
I read this insightful article today, and I thought I would post the link here.

MISTAKES

Have you ever tried to help someone but instead hurt them?  Have you ever tried to get some guidance on what to do in a situation but ended up making things so much worse than you could have ever imagined?  Have you ever begged God to show you, but you just can't hear Him; so you try to figure it out on your own?  Have you ever been successful at trying to do the right thing when you have no idea what that is?  Have you ever unintentionally made such a mess of things and sat stuck there in that mess wondering what to do next?  Have you ever been frozen in uncertainty and fear, because you don't know what to do?  Have you ever hurt people that you love?  Have you damaged relationships, possibly beyond repair, because you let fear rule your mind?  Yea me too.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, some of which I'm fully aware and some of which I probably have no idea. I read a quote today that said "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."  So yes I've messed up a lot, a whole lot....sometimes maybe beyond repair.  And yes I've been the one hurt by others' mistakes as well.  The hardest part of this for me is not admitting that I've made mistakes, asking for forgiveness from others or being willing to forgive someone else.  It's being able to forgive myself.

BIOPSYCHOSOCIAL

Today I met with a dear friend of mine.  She needed to interview me for one of her graduate classes.   It was practice for her, but it ended up being so much more for me.
She had to write up a biopsychosocial assessment for one of her classes.  Sound scary? Well go ahead and look it up, because yea it kinda was.  I had no clue what it was, I just went to help out a friend and have brunch.  But once we got into it, so much of myself was revealed.  Much of it was stuff I have been thinking about for a while now but had not said out loud.  At one point, I had to take a big drink of coffee to keep my composure and not throw myself on the floor in a sobbing fit.  I mean, people, I know I have issues; but saying it out loud is WOWZA!  I think the thing that shocked me the most was when I told her I couldn't remember when my mom died.  I know my dad died on November 7, 2005.  I know my mom died around Mother's Day, but I can't even remember the year; and it wasn't that long ago.  I told her about my darkest days when I was a young adult and how much healing came after.  I told her how things have been good for so long and then all of the sudden those same past insecurities reared their ugly heads again.  I told her I don't sleep anymore.  And I told her it all started when my mom died, but I don't even know when that was.
She asked me if my mom was my confidant, my support?  YES SHE WAS!  Then it hit me.  I, not only lost my mom, but I lost my biggest fan, my biggest supporter.  The one who knew every single thing about me...I mean every single thing.  She was the one who loved me through my darkest days, the one who loved me through my brightest days, the one who loved me through all of my days.  I miss my mama.  I need my mama.

Love Conquers All

I was talking to one of my best girlfriends the other day.  One who knows me better than most.  We were talking about one of my girls and some things she's dealing with, and she said..."She sounds just like you when we were that age.  How did you get past that?  Was it just with age?"  I said, "You know...I was at a place in my life when I just had given up on so many things.  But God came alongside me and brought this amazing person into my life.  He used Neil to show me I was worth being loved and worthwhile.  He was kind, sweet; and everything was simple with him.  It had been a long time, since someone had treated me with such respect and decency in a romantic relationship.  Eventually I began to see that I was important to someone."  I know that may sound shallow and self absorbed, and maybe I was. But I had been in a dark place for a while, and although I knew my parents loved me and my family and friends loved me; I didn't feel worthy of that love.  I felt like they loved me, because they had to.  When Neil came along, it was different than it had been before.  I didn't recognize it for a while, and I even resisted quite a bit.  When I did see it and allow myself to accept it, it truly changed my life.  God used Neil to rescue me from myself and show me there was something more waiting for me.  I have thanked Him wholeheartedly every single day since then.  I don't always like my husband, sometimes I get angry at him.  Sometimes I get frustrated with him, but it doesn't take long to get past it; because I always always always love him....like I've never loved anyone before.  I'm so grateful for what God has done in my life through bringing Neil into it.  Through the love Neil showed me, I realized that I was worthy of all the love I was given....from my parents, family and friends; and I was able to give it back.  In my life, it's true that love conquers all.

High School...Wanna Go Back? UH NO!

Someone recently asked me if I would ever go back to the time when I was in high school.   I wanted to laugh in their face, but instead I smiled and calmly but firmly said; "Absolutely not!"  High School....High School....High School.  Man, did I love you.  I made the best friends of my life there, I  was super smart and barely missed the top 10, I was a cheerleader, I had a boyfriend, I had a cool car; and I had a lot of fun.  So why?  Why wouldn't I ever go back to high school?   My life lacked joy, it lacked peace.  There was a lot of good in my high school years, but the latter part of high school and into young adulthood was the darkest time of my life.  I spent most of my high school years with a broken heart longing for something, but I didn't know what it was.  I was shy and self conscience and filled with insecurities.  I was not really ready to move on, but after you graduate; you have to do something.  After high school, I had every intention of going to UT in Austin.  I had been accepted and thought it was a go, and I was ready to get out of town; but my mama thought otherwise.  It wasn't until the very last minute that she told me I couldn't go, and even though I was 18 and a legal adult; I didn't go.  I was mad about it for a long time...in all honestly probably for a good part of my life.  My parents paid for my college, every single penny, so I never said anything to them about this; because you don't bite the hands that feed you.  Instead of Austin, I moved to Arlington and went to UTA.  I lived in apartment by myself for a while until it was time to student teach, and then I had to move back home.  It was too difficult to hold down a job and finish that last semester of school.  My parents probably would have paid for me to continue living alone, but I think I was ready to be home for a while. The 3 of us were very close.  By this time, I had met Neil too; so all my spare time was spent with him which wasn't much. I knew I wanted to buy a house and was about to start a full time career as a teacher....making $19,000/year.  WHOA!  And I was the ripe old age of 22!  I started crawling my way out of the pit I had been in, but it was a process; and it took a while.  For a long time, I thought my mama wouldn't let me go to UT because of the expense, then I thought it was because I was her only child; and she would miss me too much (I guess I was kinda full of myself).  It wasn't until I sent my daughter off to school that I really understood why she said no.  What I didn't realize was that she knew I was in a pit, she knew my life lacked light, she knew darkness lived in my heart; and she wasn't about to send me off to face that alone.  You see, my mama was my confidant.  I told her literally every single thing about my life....the good, the bad, the dark, the light, the ugly, the lovely.  She knew it all.  When I sent my girl off to school, I didn't really see her sadness or the pit she was living in.  It took me a while to see it, because she's not me; and she doesn't tell me every single thing about her life.  She keeps a lot of that inside.  As these last few years have passed since my mama died, I have thought a lot about things she did and said.  I find myself thinking so much, that sometimes I overthink, then I have to go back and think again about how to approach something better.  I also find myself relying much more on Jesus to direct my thoughts and put the right words on my tongue, and sometimes that means I say nothing....which can be really really hard.  High school wasn't as bad as I made it sound, I came away from there with a lot of good.  The main reason I would never go back is because I didn't have joy in my heart, that joy you can only find in trusting Jesus.  I have that now, and I never want to go back but just continue going forward.  Don't look back....you aren't going that way!

Time

Time...does it heal?  I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and honestly I don't know.  I guess it's different for everyone.  For me, time hasn't done a lot of healing.  It hasn't healed hurts.  It hasn't righted wrongs.  It hasn't rekindled broken relationships.  So what has time done for me?  It has allowed me to adjust to the hurts, the wrongs, the relationships that have ended.  It has allowed me to move forward trusting that it was all the way it was intended.  It has allowed me to trust that there would be some good that comes from these things.  It has allowed me the eyes and heart to see the good.  Time hasn't healed anything, but it has allowed me to breathe and know that life goes on...even through hurt, sad, grief...life goes on.