Do Everything In Love

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm all about a celebration, and I think VDay is a sweet reminder to take a little extra time to make your loves feel more loved and maybe extend some love to someone you normally wouldn't. But really, I would like to think we celebrate love every minute of every day; but we don't. We're human and broken, and we often break others instead of love others. The only one who loves us every single minute of every single day and is always reaching out in love is Jesus. Isn't it so sweet that Ash Wednesday falls on Valentine's Day this year? The beginning of the Lenten season. The season where we are challenged to remember the ultimate sacrifice made for every living soul...every single one. On your worst days, your best days, your lovely days or your heartbroken days...He reaches out in love and asks us to do the same! So maybe today be encouraged to forgive someone, extend someone grace, tell someone you love them, pray for someone, lend a helping hand, practice a random act of kindness. WWJD! Do everything in love.
1 Corinthians 16:14 #ashwednesday#valentinesday #jesuslovesyou #lent

Wise Young People

Sometimes God puts the most unlikely people in your path.  They may be there for a minute, a season  or a lifetime.  They may teach you hard lessons, or you may teach them.  They may break your heart, or they may steal it.  They may become one of your best friends or your worst enemies.  Behind it all, I believe there is always something to be gained; and something good will be revealed through the relationships we develop...even the painful ones.  I have a friend, who I have known his whole life.  He is like my second son.  Over the last several months, I have learned a lot about life, struggles and what our young people are facing through him.  I have learned a lot through my own children as well, but his perspective is different than theirs.  It has made me more aware of things I need to be grateful for and how to be more intentional in the lives of the younger generation.  It's so strange to me, that I have 5 young people in my house, and I know a lot about the struggles of young people; but there's so much I didn't know.  I have been reminded about faith and God's plan for things but also how hard the world can be.  It's hard to tell the younger generation that there's so much life to live ahead of them, without sounding condescending or unconcerned; because many are trying to survive it right now.  As you age and gain life experience, it oftentimes becomes more apparent.  And sometimes life is easy and sometimes it's not, yet it sounds so cliche to say that out loud to someone in the middle of something really hard.  There are those, in our younger generation, who are intentional and thoughtful and bring hope to the future....even through life's challenges.  They are destined to do and are doing great things despite their struggles, and WOW....am I fortunate to be witness to that.  I'm thankful to my own children, to my friend and many others who have reminded me that the fight is continuous; and we have to keep going.  But I've learned that even as a 51 year old believer, you need to be reminded about faith and God's plan; and that He knows what He's doing.  Sometimes it takes a wise young person to remind you of that.

My One Word: Gentleness!!

Gentleness....it's my one word for the year.  The definition of gentleness is:

gen·tle·ness

ˈjen(t)lnəs/

noun

1. 1. 

   the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered.

   "Michael was admired for his gentleness and tolerance"
2. 2. 

   softness of action or effect; lightness.

   "the gentleness of his touch"

   
   

We are half way through February which is pretty far into the year when you have failed using your one word on a regular basis.  I've thought about this word a lot lately, because I have been failing miserably practicing gentleness.  Yesterday I spent the day with one of my best friends, who is a huge light in my life.  She listened intently as I talked, and she encouraged me.  Today during Sunday School, our lesson was about gratitude and perspective and choosing to be grateful.  I use to be really good at doing this, but lately....not so much.  Our sermon was about worthiness and how God loves us the same at our best and at our worst, again I was encouraged and reminded.  Neil showed me a conversation, on our home iPad, that our youngest Elliot had with herself.  Reading "I wish my mom felt better", made me sad, really sad.    Through all of these things, I realized that I need to re-focus a lot; and be more intentional about getting back into The Word.  I've been so discouraged and sad for many reasons, and my attitude has not been one of love and gentleness; but instead one of fear and frustration.  I don't feel well physically or emotionally, and I need to get back to taking better care of myself.  I've been reading this week trying to figure out what is going on with my body and brain, and honestly it's overwhelming....I'm overwhelmed with the information.  On the other hand, I'm grateful that I am finding some answers.  My body has been failing for years, but my brain has been strong.  Now that my brain is failing, I feel completely out of control of myself; and it scares and frustrates me.  Honestly it is exhausting. I need to re-focus.  I need to get back into The Word.  I need to change my perspective.  I need to allow myself time to rest.  I need to be intentional about gratitude, and then the gentleness will come.  God is good all the time He is good, and with Him all things are possible!

1. 
   

   
   

The Country

I went to a gathering last night at church.  It's a women's ministry designed to help women renew.  We have a meal together and then have music followed by a message.  Cindy, one of our former pastor's, gave the message.  It focused on using God's creation to heal you and nurture you.  I've felt this forever, especially as a little girl on my grandparents' cotton farm.  As long as I can remember my favorite places to be were places I could witness the vastness of creation.  The sky is my favorite thing.  I call it my best friend, because it's always there, it's lovely and it provides light.  I love it and all of its vast beauty and wonder.  Texas skies are breathtaking...especially at sunrise and sunset.  Every week when I am taking Elliot to dance, I ask her to take a picture of the sunset for me.  I have a folder on my phone full of pictures of the sky and one full of clouds.  I have been thinking about making wallpaper out of some of my cloud photos, and one day I'll have a place where the rooms are filled with the sky.  I've wanted to move to the country for a while now, mainly because I long for a simpler life; but also to be more immersed in nature. When I say simpler life, I don't necessarily mean as in "working".  I know having a garden and farm animals would be a lot of work, but it's work I would enjoy.  A place where it didn't cost an arm and a leg to pay your bills, so we could open up our little coffee shop we've been dreaming about (thanks Addi). By simpler, I also mean living in a quiet place where you could see stars every night and lightning bugs too.  A place where stuff didn't accumulate, because there wasn't space for it.  A place where we could walk outside and see the water and sit by the bonfire.  A place where we could see deer in our front yard.  A place where at night, you could hear the sounds of creation; not the sounds of horns honking and sirens.  I am not cut out to be a busy person.  I get very overwhelmed when I'm too busy, wearing too many hats; and I'm not good at multi tasking.  However I am a planner and an organizer, and living in chaos whether it be in my own home or the city causes me such stress.  I honestly believe it's a lot of the reason my health is troubled.  As much as I try to accommodate, I can't seem to do it.   Soon I'm considering renting a cabin on a lake, for a week or so, so I can sit outside and finish writing the book I've started. I cannot imagine a more serene place to focus.  Until then, I'm going to immerse myself in as much nature as I possibly can...a few road trips are in my immediate plans to free my mind.
I think I will start here:

February 5th....The Best Day of 2001!!

Happy 17th Birthday Drew Michelle Payne...definitely the best day of 2001...especially for PaPa, since you were born on his birthday. I remember how excited he was about sharing his day with you. You're my smack dab in the middle, deep thinking, old soul, granola girl with so many talents that you keep to yourself. A sweet, quiet girl with a gentle spirit and a hearty laugh. Humble and so giving, but never wanting the attention on yourself. Simple yet oh so so complicated. For those of us who you let close, we are so so blessed to know you. I love and adore you Drewby Lou! You're my ❤️!!

INVISIBLE People!

We all have seasons in life...different things for everyone, different emotions for everyone, and some people experience the same season as someone else in a very different way.  I think many people go through a season of feeling inadequate, unappreciated or maybe even invisible.  I'm kind of in that season now.  I've been married for over 25 years to the best guy in the world...SUPERMAN...like really he is SUPERMAN!  He connects with people of all ages.  He makes all the money.  He is funny, cute, endearing and much much more.  He has overcome a lot of things in his life, and he has done it with hard work, grace and honesty.  He really is the best person I know.  We have 5 amazing children, 4 girls and 1 boy; and I have been a stay home mom for most of their lives...almost 21 years now.  I've worked part-time here and there, and I own my own photography business; so I contribute monetarily a little.  Neil and I made the decision a long time ago that this would be my role, and I'm so very thankful that I have been able to be home so much with my children.  I'm also extremely thankful that he has supported me in this role and has been the one to support our family monetarily.  Finances have always been a struggle....a very very large struggle, but we always have everything we need and a lot of extra things as well. But 7 people and one income can be a challenge in the area where we live.  I remember being in this season as an older teenager/young adult.  It was a hard time, and I truly felt worthless.  It wasn't anything my parents or friends did, there were some outside circumstances that definitely played a huge role; but that's a story for another time.  I also remember feeling invisible for much of my childhood.  Again it was nothing my family or friends did, it was more of not fitting in to the "norm" in society.  I was painfully shy, you can ready more about that here.   Again I remember being in this season as a wife and mother, after my 4th baby was born.  I knew my role was important, but I remember feeling very unseen.  Until this turn in feeling invisible, I didn't really realize that many other people have experienced this season too.  I remember reading an article written by a woman who was feeling the exact same way.  It changed the way I viewed my role and myself.  I knew then I was building something beautiful and amazing.  As the years have passed since that time and the first time I read that article, I am in that season again....just a pair of hands, a taxi driver, a piggy bank (although mine is down to the pennies), a maid, a grocery store, an embarrassment...you know the rest.  I have felt like a big failure a lot in this role, but I realize I must   trust The Lord to guide me.  I know the work I'm doing is important, the most important work I'll ever do.  And those days when someone says, "You have a great kid"; I know I'm not invisible.  

Happiness....I Was Wrong About You!

Until very recently, I always firmly believed happiness was a choice anyone could make.  I've written about it a few times on my blog and my reasons for believing this.  I've shared this belief with many people. I do still believe that in certain situations and circumstances, happiness can be a choice.  I do, I do believe that.  However recently I was talking with a few different people, one being one of my daughters, and I started to see things differently.  After some really deep conversations, I've realized that not everyone is able to make the choice to be happy.  Sometimes there are things that just won't allow happiness to be an option.  It might be something situational, physical, emotional, circumstantial; but there are people who are not able to choose happiness.   The more I've witnessed this in my own child, as well as, in others; the more I have wondered how many people I've misguided.  WOW...I was so naive.  It doesn't mean that it will never be an available choice, it means that at certain times; it may not. One of the things I recently discovered was telling someone to "choose to be happy", when they cannot figure out how to do that or just don't have that choice as an option, can just make things much worse.  This has been weighing heavily on my heart, mind and soul.  I have let people down with this response....particularly my own child.  I didn't take the time to really listen to her all those years ago when I first began to instruct her to make this choice, and honestly I just didn't remember when I couldn't make that choice either.  There was a time I had, long ago, when I couldn't find happiness anywhere; no matter how hard I looked.  I know now that I didn't want to remember that time or reflect on it, but over the last few years; I've been forced to in order to help guide my own girls and let them know they are not alone.  It's been hard, I mean really hard.  Seeing someone you love with your whole self feel hopeless is truly devastating.  Not being able to help them to the other side is extremely painful...especially when you remember that feeling.  Through all the pain and heartbreak, one thing that I do firmly believe is that God brings good out of all things.  It doesn't mean it's less painful or devastating, but I think it can mean it can possibly help someone else or even yourself see that it wasn't all in vain; and someone else will know he/she is not alone.  As I've been reflecting on my own time of hopelessness, so long ago, this was confirmed for me even more....God brings good....God is good!  As I've grown older, had more life experiences and learned to trust more in Jesus (which is still a huge work in progress); I'm able to see the good more clearly.  It doesn't always mean that I'll be happy.  What I've gained from my relationship with Jesus is an inner joy I can feel even in the unhappiest of times.  It gives me a peace I cannot fully explain. If I didn't have faith and the knowledge that something beautifully perfect awaits, I'm not sure how I would survive sometimes.  But I do, and I am eternally grateful!
I read this insightful article today, and I thought I would post the link here.

MISTAKES

Have you ever tried to help someone but instead hurt them?  Have you ever tried to get some guidance on what to do in a situation but ended up making things so much worse than you could have ever imagined?  Have you ever begged God to show you, but you just can't hear Him; so you try to figure it out on your own?  Have you ever been successful at trying to do the right thing when you have no idea what that is?  Have you ever unintentionally made such a mess of things and sat stuck there in that mess wondering what to do next?  Have you ever been frozen in uncertainty and fear, because you don't know what to do?  Have you ever hurt people that you love?  Have you damaged relationships, possibly beyond repair, because you let fear rule your mind?  Yea me too.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, some of which I'm fully aware and some of which I probably have no idea. I read a quote today that said "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."  So yes I've messed up a lot, a whole lot....sometimes maybe beyond repair.  And yes I've been the one hurt by others' mistakes as well.  The hardest part of this for me is not admitting that I've made mistakes, asking for forgiveness from others or being willing to forgive someone else.  It's being able to forgive myself.

BIOPSYCHOSOCIAL

Today I met with a dear friend of mine.  She needed to interview me for one of her graduate classes.   It was practice for her, but it ended up being so much more for me.
She had to write up a biopsychosocial assessment for one of her classes.  Sound scary? Well go ahead and look it up, because yea it kinda was.  I had no clue what it was, I just went to help out a friend and have brunch.  But once we got into it, so much of myself was revealed.  Much of it was stuff I have been thinking about for a while now but had not said out loud.  At one point, I had to take a big drink of coffee to keep my composure and not throw myself on the floor in a sobbing fit.  I mean, people, I know I have issues; but saying it out loud is WOWZA!  I think the thing that shocked me the most was when I told her I couldn't remember when my mom died.  I know my dad died on November 7, 2005.  I know my mom died around Mother's Day, but I can't even remember the year; and it wasn't that long ago.  I told her about my darkest days when I was a young adult and how much healing came after.  I told her how things have been good for so long and then all of the sudden those same past insecurities reared their ugly heads again.  I told her I don't sleep anymore.  And I told her it all started when my mom died, but I don't even know when that was.
She asked me if my mom was my confidant, my support?  YES SHE WAS!  Then it hit me.  I, not only lost my mom, but I lost my biggest fan, my biggest supporter.  The one who knew every single thing about me...I mean every single thing.  She was the one who loved me through my darkest days, the one who loved me through my brightest days, the one who loved me through all of my days.  I miss my mama.  I need my mama.

Love Conquers All

I was talking to one of my best girlfriends the other day.  One who knows me better than most.  We were talking about one of my girls and some things she's dealing with, and she said..."She sounds just like you when we were that age.  How did you get past that?  Was it just with age?"  I said, "You know...I was at a place in my life when I just had given up on so many things.  But God came alongside me and brought this amazing person into my life.  He used Neil to show me I was worth being loved and worthwhile.  He was kind, sweet; and everything was simple with him.  It had been a long time, since someone had treated me with such respect and decency in a romantic relationship.  Eventually I began to see that I was important to someone."  I know that may sound shallow and self absorbed, and maybe I was. But I had been in a dark place for a while, and although I knew my parents loved me and my family and friends loved me; I didn't feel worthy of that love.  I felt like they loved me, because they had to.  When Neil came along, it was different than it had been before.  I didn't recognize it for a while, and I even resisted quite a bit.  When I did see it and allow myself to accept it, it truly changed my life.  God used Neil to rescue me from myself and show me there was something more waiting for me.  I have thanked Him wholeheartedly every single day since then.  I don't always like my husband, sometimes I get angry at him.  Sometimes I get frustrated with him, but it doesn't take long to get past it; because I always always always love him....like I've never loved anyone before.  I'm so grateful for what God has done in my life through bringing Neil into it.  Through the love Neil showed me, I realized that I was worthy of all the love I was given....from my parents, family and friends; and I was able to give it back.  In my life, it's true that love conquers all.