Life Is Hard

Over the last few months, I've found myself thinking...."LIFE IS HARD"!  It wasn't until today after a long conversation with someone I love dearly that I realized....it's not really life that's hard, it's us that's hard....PEOPLE!  I wish there was peace among everyone, in their innermost selves, and with all of those around....ones we know personally and ones we don't.  For years and years, my greatest wish has been peace on earth and for years and years, I thought it was possible; but I must admit....I find myself not being so optimistic anymore.  There are some wonderful great people in the world doing wonderful great things, but there are also some not so wonderful people in the world doing not so great things.  I pray for peace within my own soul and heart daily, and oftentimes I just whisper a name....JESUS....followed by the phrase....YOU GOT THIS!  I GIVE IT TO YOU!  It is then that peace fills my spirit.  But it doesn't come naturally or easy for me....I have to stop and pause for a good long while when I whisper those words.  I have to clear my mind.  I have to think about what I'm trying to control.  Then I have to physically feel myself let it go.  It's a process and one I'm still practicing.  Sometimes the turmoil within my heart and soul comes back the very next day, and I am whispering those words again.  I will always pray for peace on earth, but I don't think I'll say Life Is Hard anymore.

I Cry When I'm Alone....

Sometimes when I'm alone, which is very rare, I cry.  My mind has time to clear and reflect and think deep which is who I am....a deep thinker.  I think about the things I've been given and what I'm doing with them.  Am I using them to glorify our God?  Am I making the best decisions?  Am I being obedient?  Am I?  I think about the people in my life and pray that they see Jesus through me.  And I think about the times that I have messed up and the times that I know they haven't seen Jesus, and I cry.  And then I think about the times I have asked them to forgive me, taken responsibility and given them unconditional love; and I cry again.  Talking the talk is easier than it seems to me, but walking the walk....that's where it gets tricky.  In today's world, I feel like I am oftentimes looked at as the "bad" guy; because I believe in The Bible and want to live by it as best as I can.  I feel like, although I'm very open minded, I'm also condemned for being somewhat conservative in some of my views.  I know my children often think I'm too hard on them, and I may be harder than many parents; but I'm not too hard.  I believe in respect, obedience, earning trust and natural consequences.  I believe that I should know the people they spend time with, and if I'm not given the opportunity to get to know them; then they don't get to spend much time with them.  I believe that many, not all, but many parents have very different views on what's appropriate and what's not than I do.  We are not all the same:  we don't think the same, act the same, live the same; and that's okay.  My choices and beliefs are not better than anyone elses', they may just be different.  However even through ridicule, arguments, conflict; I stand behind what I believe to be the best thing for me, my family and other people giving God the glory.  And then I cry when it gets hard and sometimes I cry when it's not hard.  That's just how I roll.

Happy Birthday NPayne!!

Happy Birthday to my main squeeze....NPayne! You are now officially closer to 50 than 40! You will never be as old as me, but thankfully that helps keep me young.  
Thank you for making me laugh every day. Thank you for not shushing me when I cackle really loud at things that most people don't think are funny. Thank you for humoring me when I send you videos of me lip syncing Justin Timberlake to you. Thank you for dancing with me when I ask you to. Thank you for always telling me I'm pretty even when I'm not. Thank you for reading the 100s of texts and emails I send you every day. Thank you for cleaning your side of our bedroom (okay so that was not really true, but trying some reverse psychology ). Thank you for taking us on awesome adventures. Thank you for being fun and goofy. Thank you for sharing your love of music and creativity in our home. 
Thank you for taking such good care of us, for always encouraging people to use their gifts and for doing whatever you can to make life better for so many. Thank you for the example you set by serving and loving and doing it because that's just who you are. Thank you for finding something good in every day and for always reminding me that there is always something to be grateful for. Thank you for holding me up on days when I couldn't have held myself up. Thank you for being humble, accepting, firm in your beliefs and for living out your words. You are definitely a man who practices what he preaches. Happy BDay! You'll always be the one!

My 2 Words!

I've been thinking a lot about this coming year and what I can do to make it the best it can possibly be.  One of the things that I need to do to make it good is really try to relinquish control....I mean really give it up.  This means I need to trust more....people (ugh), but mainly trust Jesus.  Trusting people has been hard for me as of late.  The last few years have proven to be very revealing in that respect, and my trust in people in general has been compromised.  Yesterday I was reading something, and honestly I don't even really remember what or where; but I do remember reading this....God sent the rainbow as a sign that he would never flood the earth again.  It was a covenant between God and people.
12 And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”  Genesis 9:12-16 
I don't remember the first time I read that scripture or heard about that covenant, but I do remember that I never had any doubt that it was true.  I still don't.  I trust God 110% that He will never flood the earth again.  I trust God 110% when He made this covenant, even though I wasn't alive during the great flood, even though there are many things in the Old Testament that I don't personally practice as a Christian; but still I trust Him every time I see a rainbow.  Why is it so easy for me to trust Him in this instance but so hard in my every day life?  Maybe it's because I wasn't around for the great flood and didn't experience all the hard that accompanied it, or maybe it's because I look at it as a fresh start (even though there had to be another fresh start later on, because we humans can't get it right); or maybe it's because rainbows are lovely and totally suck me in with their endless beauty.  One thing I've thought about a lot today is people and being disappointed, and how hard and hurtful that has been over these last few years.  I thought a lot about my people and how I don't want them to hurt, or mess up or be disappointed or disappoint.  As tough as it is, I know ultimately I have no control over people or their actions; I only have control over me and my actions/reactions.  I have preached this to the choir for a few years now, and it has been extremely difficult to live by.  I can deal with being disappointed and hurt, although I don't like to.  When I see others hurt or disappointed is when I wish I had the ability to "change things, make them better, or protect them".  Sometimes I get lost in the moment and find myself in an internal panic..."what can I do to get them through this" frame of mind and forget that He's got it.  And even when it's hard, seems like it would be impossible or really really bad; He will reveal some good.  So this year, my words are RELINQUISH and TRUST...as in control and in Jesus! AMEN!

Clear

It was about a year ago that I learned I had some potentially serious health problems.  Through a hospital stay and a brain MRI, it was discovered that I had had many small strokes.  A few weeks ago, I went for my yearly carotid test and this week for the results.  The carotid test show no improvement from last year, but they also show nothing worse.  As long as my cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure can be managed; I'm clear for one more year...no surgery! SIGH of relief!
Thank you for all who have prayed.

Mighty To Save

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations.

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me--all my fears and failures.
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow everything I believe in.
I surrender. (I surrender.)

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King, Jesus
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King.

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King, Jesus
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King.

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King, Jesus
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King.

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King, Jesus
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King.

A New Year...

Yesterday was January 1, 2016....the new year.  I'm not into resolutions.  I gave those up years ago, but I am into reflections.  I have reflected a lot about this past year.  I think what I wrote on our Christmas card this year sums it up the best:

2015, what can I say about you?  You  have been a tough one, but a tough one covered by grace.  There has been great sorrow and sadness, but also great joy and gladness.  Sometimes it felt like challenge after challenge after challenge, but amidst the hurt and pain; we found gratitude and goodness.  As 2015 comes to an end, we find ourselves full of hope....the hope one can only find in Jesus Our Savior.  

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

HOPE is the word I adopted this past year, and it has been one I've clung to in some of my darkest days.  There have been many difficult things this past year, but I cannot help but think that Jesus allowed many of those things; so we could grow, so we could help someone else, so we would be protected.  Sending my oldest to college was so hard, but I think we have learned so much.  One day God will use her story of struggles for good....this I know.  Watching my children suffer loss...of loved ones either by death or by choices made has been very difficult.  Losing 2 grandmothers in less than a year has been extremely difficult for us all.  Knowing that their lives will be forever impacted by relationships that have dissolved and watching them cry themselves to sleep over and over broke my heart.  The sleepless nights have left me exhausted physically and emotionally, and I have had to fight hard to stay spiritually focused....on my word, HOPE, and what that means.  

People have come and gone and watching your children experience this can be devastatingly painful, but it can also be beautiful and uplifting.  

The hurt involved in losing someone is almost too much to handle at times.  

Pain, sorrow and grief have definitely played a big role in 2015.  But...I have also seen, once again, that we have some great people in our lives.  Some who we just met recently or rekindled with, and then those who have always been there.  There are good people in this world, and we are blessed to know so many of them and have them in our lives. 

 I don't have many regrets from 2015, but I do have a few.  The biggest one is not moving.  Two great places that slipped through our fingers, and I know things would have been much different had we taken the plunge and fully trusted God.

I turned 49 one week ago today, and this year....my last year in my 40's....I choose to find joy in the small things, dance every day, do lots of good things for others, TRUST IN JESUS wholeheartedly, spend time with good people, drink lots of coffee, go on lots of adventures, not sweat the small stuff, live my life in the present and laugh A LOT.  

The last line of our Christmas card said this:  We wish you a year full of laughter, music, love, hope, family, kindness and JESUS....things that get us through the easy days and the hard days!

Better Than Wallpaper

This is my favorite room in our house. It was home to all my baby girls and has served as Elli's and Bryna's room. It is right next door to my room. With each new baby we brought home, a toddler was moved upstairs, and a baby in here....except Cal who spent his newborn life in a makeshift room in what is now our dining room. It's a big room with lots of natural light and a fireplace. The wallpaper is my most favorite thing ever. I remember my daddy and NPayne covering every square inch of those big walls with it, almost 19 years ago. I've rocked all my babies in here, had tea parties in here, read books in here and sang lullabies in here. I've rubbed backs in here, fallen asleep in here and changed diapers in here. I have told my girls that this wallpaper will stay in this room forever...which is why they have stayed upstairs...that and the fact that this room has no closet. They are older and have their own tastes and expressions. I understand that. Elliot has recently started asking if we could re-do her/this room and take out all the "baby" stuff. I begrudgingly agreed but said THE WALLPAPER STAYS! After the foundation work was done, the walls in this room took the biggest hit. Much of the wallpaper is now ripped and ruined. NPayne said the Sheetrock needs to be replaced, and he offered to rehang the wallpaper (if I could find more). I saved the extra from all those years ago, but it's not enough to cover all of the walls. One day as I was sitting in here thinking back to all those middle of the night songs and feedings and rocking, I realized that it is time to embrace my babies growing up, really embrace it. I've been taking baby steps in that direction, because I've been forced to (my oldest is almost 19). So I told Elliot we could paint the new walls whatever color she wanted. She was so excited about expressing her own style, and I am excited for her. I love re-doing stuff, and I have lots of treasures we will use in here. After some thought, she decided she wanted white walls with lots of colorful things hanging on them, so today I took all the "baby" stuff out. It won't be the nursery anymore, but when I come in here; I will think about my people becoming wonderfully, creative and caring "big" people and that is better than wallpaper.

Grief

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

It was a sleepless night, and although I stayed in bed for 12 hours; I am wore out.  There is a lot in my head but so much in my heart, and I am grateful for my Jesus.  I know He is here.  Sometimes I can't feel Him, but I know He's here.  The holidays are upon us, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday ever.  I love being with my family, it's my favorite thing.  But I must admit that holidays are hard.  Grief is such an odd thing.  It hits you so hard, and then it may lay quietly in your soul for a while, then it comes back in full swing.....sometimes when you least expect it.  During the holidays, it doesn't linger; but it comes out strong, plants its feet and stays for a while.  Everyone experiences it differently, but once you've experienced it; it's always there.  As time passes, it may get easier; but it never goes away.  Grief has hit us hard these past few years, and it has been so so difficult.  Watching my children suffer has ripped my heart into a million pieces.  I know it will slowly be put back together, but some of those pieces will always be missing leaving holes.  I cannot imagine enduring grief without Jesus holding my hand.  There would be no hope if I didn't have Him.   There would be no joy.  Through it all, I know one thing for certain....as much as I am sad, I am grateful as well.  A wise man once said that the grief you feel, at the loss of someone, is a result of the love you shared.  The more you love, the harder you grieve.  I am grateful for the time I had even though it wasn't long enough.  I am grateful that Jesus is by my side even when I can't feel Him there.  I am grateful for the good He brings in the darkest of times even though some of the dark times were pitch black.  I am grateful for the visions I have of those I love in Heaven even though I miss them so much here on earth.  I am grateful for the holes in my heart even though they have caused so much pain.  The missing pieces mean I had the blessing of loving hard, and I do....I love hard.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  
Psalm 73:26

Give Thanks!! 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19

In the hardest of times, we reach for Him.  In the happiest of times, sometimes we don't.  Over the last several years, I have made a conscious effort to wake up and thank God for another day, to give Him the praise and adoration He longs for.  Today is one of those days. 10 years ago today I walked out of a church service and was greeted by my best friend with a very solemn look on her face.  I just knew she was going to tell me my daddy had died, and I had not been there. Anytime I left my parents' house, I was afraid he would die; and I wouldnt be with him.  He was so very ill, and I knew the time was coming.  Instead she told me that my beloved Mamaw had died in her sleep.  My family and friends knew I was in a fragile state as we waited for what was inevitable with my daddy, so my cousin had called my friend in hopes that she could break the news of my Mamaw's passing to me and catch me when I fell.  The strangest thing happened, although I was immediately saddened for my own personal loss; I was filled with joy for Mamaw.  My Papaw had passed away in 1990, and she had missed him so much; and I knew she was reunited with him.  But mostly I knew she was rejoicing, because she couldn't wait to meet Jesus.   My Mamaw was the most faithful person I had ever known.  She introduced me to Jesus and told me all about Him, and I knew she couldn't wait to meet Him.  I have never felt that inert sadness at her passing, don't misunderstand, I miss her like crazy; but for as long as I could remember she was ready to meet Jesus.  On November 6, 2005...she did. The next day, my daddy died in the front room of our house; and I was with him.