First Kiss

Our girls are not allowed to date until they're 16.  I'll admit this decision was made hastily one day when our oldest, who was a few days short of being 16, was asked out on a date....by a very nice boy.  When she asked, NPayne and I looked at each other pretending like we had a solid plan when it came to dating; but we had NO plan at all.  There hadn't been a need for one, and it wasn't one we had given much thought to.  I think I remember whispering about it that night, after everyone was in bed (as if they could hear us).  We made a plan that evening and decided they could go on a date when they turned 16, but there were other requirements too.  We had to have met the young man, and he had to get out of his car and come to the door to get her.  He had to tell us the plan for the evening, and he needed to know and respect that she had a curfew.  We also needed to know if the plans changed at anytime during the evening.  If we weren't comfortable with the boy, the plan or anything else; the date was off.  As I was recently thinking this through again, since now I have another 16 year old daughter and one who is almost 14; I started thinking about my first date with their dad.  We met one night in March and ended up spending a lot of time together over the next several months.  We became the best of friends in a short amount of time and eventually were spending every day together.  The butterflies weren't immediate, but were a process.  Our relationship grew over those few months, but it grew quickly.  I thought he was about the funniest and kindest boy I had ever known, and my feelings for him hit me hard.  I remember our first date well.  It was in October of that same year.  It was sweet.  The thing I remember the most was the kiss.  Although we had both shared our very first kiss with someone else previously, this one felt like how the first kiss should feel.  It was gentle, genuine and thoughtful.   He never rushed things or pressured, but he waited until it felt right for both of us.  I remember meeting him at the back of the car as we both got out to switch sides...he had been driving my car.  He gently grabbed my waist and pulled me close and held my face in his hands so sweetly before giving me the sweetest kiss I had ever had.  It was something I'll always remember.  So boys, who want to date my girls, just know we have high expectations!

Don't Give Up On Each Other

The world is an amazing and terrifying place.  Last week, we all came together to focus on the eclipse.  It was a time when people were united by one miraculous event and even had to look up to see it.  It was light in the darkness.  This week, we are coming together to aid the thousands and thousands of people who are injured, displaced and lost due to Hurricane Harvey.  It's not cool and lovely like the eclipse, but it still feels kind of like a miracle.  The world has been hurting and lost, and although there is plenty of good left; we tend not to focus on that part.  Two very different, unique and uncontrollable events are bringing people together....one was brief and good and one is not.  I think God wants us to work together during good times and bad.  He wants us to love our neighbors during good times and bad.  He wants us to be His hands and feet during good times and bad.  I think God is saddened and broken hearted by many things that have happened in the last several years, but I think he is happy to see people working together and not giving up on each other. It's much easier to work together than apart.  It's a way for light to shine in the darkness.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up....

Ecclesisastes 4:9-10

Worry...It's for the Birds

I'm a worrier by nature, and I use to worry a lot.  Sometimes I worried about the present, depending on what was going on, but mostly I worried about the future.  Over the last few years, I've had plenty of things to worry about...believe me...you have no idea.  One day, about 2 years ago, I was so consumed in worry and trying to figure out how to control the situations I was worrying about, that I was as stressed as I've ever been.  I fell to the floor and held out my hands and said, "God take this from me.  I am laying it at your feet."  I felt my shoulders relax and my head clear in a matter of moments, as I relinquished it all to Him. I still prayed about it daily and still do even now that things have been better, and sometimes I can feel myself starting to get consumed with worry again. But then I look up and say, "This is yours.  You are in control.  Guide me in the right direction." Then my shoulders relax and my head clears, and I wait to hear from Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippine 4:6-7

"Just Be A Kid"

I've been thinking about my kids a lot, not that I don't always, but more about them each as individuals.  They are similar but different in many ways.  One thing I've really been mulling over is the pressure society, parents, friends, school, church, family put on them to be "the best" or to "fit in".   If you're a parent, or even if you're not, you probably can relate to this post on some level.  I was talking with my middle schooler the other day about her extra curricular life, and I had to break the news that soon she would have to choose one thing to focus on and participate in.  Some of this is due to finances and some due to time but most is due to expectations.  I had to tell her that even though many of her teachers and coaches would lead her to believe she can participate in a multitude of things, the reality is she can't.  The pressure to be the best, in most cases, outweighs the need to be well rounded or enjoy many different things once you get to be a certain age.  And it seems like that age is getting younger and younger.  It makes me sad that because a few of my kids chose to "just be a kid" when they were younger and elected not to be involved in some sort of organized activity, they are now not able to participate in anything; because they aren't "good enough".  I am not sure how this is positive for most, but for my children it is not.  They aren't allowed to join sports, choirs, bands, classes, etc.;  because they don't have the experience or knowledge that they needed to learn when they were little bitty.  Instead they were busy building mud pies, playing make believe, going on adventures and reading books.  I chose to allow them to do those things and not force them into anything, and now they aren't welcomed into much of anything.  How are they suppose to learn if the door is shut so early?  I know it's about balance, but it seems to me that the scale tips very heavily in one direction.  Although my girls can read music, play an instrument, write amazing stories, paint, sing, and many other things;  their lack of "experience" oftentimes keeps them out.  Believe me they have experience, it just might not be with an organized team or group.  And even if they do have experience with an organized team or group, which a few do, it never seems good enough.  More hours, more money, more time away from family and no time for anything else.  I do greatly appreciate the leaders, who are upfront and tell you from the start, what the time and financial commitment will be.  But it still makes me sad that there are oftentimes no options for children to participate, if you don't have the money or don't want them to spend 90% of their time away from home.  I don't know the answer, but I wish I did.  I do know that I don't regret letting my kids "just be kids", and I hope they don't either.

The Journey

• The other day I was physically reminded about gratitude once again. I had been in the car for a while, and anytime I stand or sit for a bit; stiffness and pain settle into my joints so intensely. I'm slow to get moving again right after. I got out of my car to go into Starbucks to pass some time while waiting for Drew. The minute I stepped out, the pain was piercing and hardcore. I winced and immediately thought UGH! It was only a second later that my eyes met the woman's, who was sitting on the patio in her wheelchair. I instantly felt that nudge towards gratitude for my body...ailing and all! I walked into Starbucks and my eyes went right to the amputee sitting at his table reading the paper and drinking his tea. I thought to myself, "God I hear ya! I do! And I'm thankful for my body, even though it's so far from perfectly working." Every now and again, I feel myself getting into the pit of being consumed with the negatives instead of the positives; and almost always God nudges me towards the positives. He reminds me that this earthly life is a journey but not the destination! Glory to God!! 
• “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James‬ ‭1:2-4‬
• "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Romans 8:18
•  "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

Shy Is Okay

I've always struggled with self image....physically and socially.  I use to be way too concerned about what people thought of me.  My self image and worth were always in question.  Did I offend them?  Will they forgive me?  Did I hurt their feelings?  Why didn't they reply?  Why wasn't I invited?  As a child, I was painfully shy.  It has taken and still takes work and intentionality on my part to work through that.  When I started writing this post, I though I would never say I have overcome it; but then I looked up the definition of "overcome".

o·ver·come

ˌōvərˈkəm/

verb

1. succeed in dealing with (a problem or difficulty).

   
   

   "she worked hard to overcome her paralyzing shyness"

   synonyms:

   get the better of, prevail over, control, get/bring under control, master, conquer, defeat, beat; More

   • defeat (an opponent); prevail.

     
     

     "without firing a shot they overcame the guards"

     synonyms:

     defeat, beat, conquer, trounce, thrash, rout, vanquish, overwhelm, overpower, get the better of, triumph over, prevail over, win over/against, outdo, outclass, worst, crush;More

   • (of an emotion) overpower or overwhelm.

     
     

     "she was obviously overcome with excitement"

     synonyms:

     overwhelmed, emotional, moved, affected, speechless "I was overcome"

I have "overcome" it as far as gaining some control and addressing it.  I'll never defeat it, and as I've gotten older; I realize I don't need to.  It's part of who I am.  Being shy use to be considered as a negative attribute and honestly it still is by many.  I remember always feeling less because of it.  Over the last few years, I've started believing it's not negative unless you allow it to be...just like most things.  There were times when my shyness would have caused me to miss out on something I really wanted to be part of which was my main motivator for addressing it.  In the past, some thought I was rude or unsocial as well.  This made things even more challenging.
It wasn't until I was well into my forties that I realized being shy shouldn't be considered something negative.  One of my daughters is painfully shy, just like I was as a child.  I could never get her to try much of anything new or step outside her comfort zone.  She also suffers from sever anxiety, something I never knew much about until recent years.  Even now it's difficult for her.  I always wanted for her to not feel the things I had felt for being so shy.  I wanted her to know she was not less because of it.  For summers as long as I can remember, she has attended a summer day camp with one of her best friends.  She LOVED it and looked forward to it every summer.  In fact, she works there now.  One of the things they do during the week is give the kids a bible verse to memorize.  The goal is for the campers to recite it on Friday.  One day many summers ago, I was helping her memorize the verse:
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; our works are wonderful.  I know that full well.
Each day as she recited it, I corrected and encouraged; but I didn't really listen to the words until years later.  I had heard that verse a ton of times previously, but I didn't really listen.  One day I asked all of my kids what their favorite verse was. Without hesitation, she recited it to me perfectly.  This time I really listened to the words, and I immediately know why she had chosen that scripture.  Those words meant more to her than a treat for memorizing a verse at the end of camp.  They described her to Her Father.  They validated her as a person.  They told her that it was okay to be shy.  They meant she was loved as a shy, anxious little girl.  She had understood that verse better than I had.
A few weeks ago, she was working at camp and was assigned to assist the nurse.  A very shy child came into the nurse's office one day who wasn't feeling well.  The nurse was busy, so she asked my daughter to call the little girl's mom.  When she was talking to the mom, the mom told her that her daughter was very shy and suffered from anxiety and stress (this sweet little bitty girl).  It sometimes manifested itself as illness.  My girl knew immediately what she meant and could relate to this little lady so well.  She hung up with the mom and approached the child.  She began telling her all about herself and her own struggle with shyness, stress and anxiety.  The little girl listened carefully and then began to engage in conversation with my girl....something that had not happened when she first came in.  When she was telling me about this later in the day, I knew (and so did she) that was a God moment.  God knew that my girl could offer comfort and encouragement to this child....HIS CHILD! One of the ways He used her shyness for good.   One of the ways that she was able to help someone else know that she was fearfully and wonderfully made.  One of the ways that He could reiterate again that she was enough.  One of the ways that she could share His love and adoration with someone else. He knows what He's doing, doesn't He?  He doesn't make mistakes.  I love it when He orchestrates situations, so we can see Him at work.

Love Is Hard

Matthew 22:36-40

  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
  Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

1 Corinthians 16:14

  Do everything in love.


For as long as I can remember, love has been overflowing in my life.  My parents loved a lot.  My grandparents loved a lot.  My extended family loves a lot.  My friends love a lot.  My kids love a lot.  My husband loves a lot.  I have always felt the love.  Of course there have been times when I have not, but I've never thought love was a difficult thing.  I've never thought of it as a sacrifice or a burden or anything other than wonderful.  I've never thought it as hard.  In fact, I oftentimes find myself bewildered and in a complete state of confusion at the hate that exists.  Then Saturday, I went to a funeral.  Every time I attend a funeral, I learn something or hear something in a different way.  At this particular service, there was much shared about love and acceptance and kindness given from the amazing woman who has passed; but there was one statement that stuck out to me.  It's one I've heard many times before and have even stated myself, but for some reason; it hit me differently this time.  As her grandson spoke so tenderly about his grandmother, he shared his truth.  He shared that grief was the debt we pay for love.  He shared that at some point, he would be able to celebrate the victory his granny had won; but it was not today....the pain was too much.  I know that feeling, I know it well.  The honesty in his words rang true and pierced my heart, but it mostly made me think.  Love is not always easy.  Sometimes loving people is very hard, and yes the grief we feel as a result of loss is the debt we pay for love.  As I thought about his words over the next few days, I realized that this is true in any sort of loss of relationship...whether it be by death, divorce, disagreement, gossip, abuse, etc.  I started thinking about relationships that have ended and exploring my feelings for the people involved.  And although I have forgiven many who have hurt me, I had to honestly ask myself if I loved them.  Although I do wish them well and would treat any of them kindly,  I honestly had to come to the realization that there are some that I do not feel any sort of love towards.  In fact, there are some that I would be okay never associating with again, and there are some that I no longer associate; and I've been okay with that.  So today I start asking God to soften my heart and to allow me to genuinely and unconditionally show, not only kindness, but also love to relationships that are lost....even those I may never see again. A truth for me is that it may be easier to show love to someone I've just met than to someone who has hurt me in the past.  I guess that takes more work than I realized, and I guess love is not as easy as I thought; but I know God will be working. 

Life Ever After

Sunday I had to dig through some stuff and find a death certificate for my mom.  When I pulled it out of the envelope and saw that it was one of two left, I had this weird feeling of not wanting to let it go.  I read it over a few times and found myself saying "Three years, already?" On May 5th, my mom will have been gone from this earth for 3 years.  Sometimes it seems like a lot longer but usually it just feels like a few days ago.  I still have such vivid memories of her last few months alive.  It's such an odd feeling not having my parents here with me.  Although I'm surrounded by people who love me, I oftentimes find myself feeling very alone.  God always reassures me, but I guess it's that empty place in my heart that leaves me feeling that way.  Things come along, like Mother's Day or Father's Day or Grandparents' Day; and life is bittersweet.  My children don't have any of their grandparents living, and that breaks my heart every time I think about it.  My grandparents were such instrumental and encouraging people in my life, and so were my children's; but they aren't here.  I believe that they are watching and are present in spirit, and that is what brings me comfort.  Sometimes I have to talk to myself and remind myself how wonderful it is that they are in heaven.  I don't doubt for one second that it is wonderful and that is where the peace comes from.  The grief and pain are always there....always....but they are more manageable when I am reminded of this life after earth, this life ever after, this life with Jesus!

Behold how He loved him!

Today Elliot read me the story of Lazarus in the book of John.  I've heard this story many many times before.  I've studied Mary and Martha.  I've even studied the book of John several times as it is one of my favorites.  But today as she read, I took notice of some words that I don't remember before..."Behold how He loved him!"  Jesus wept, not because of Lazarus's death; because He knew He was going to raise Lazarus back to the living.  He wept, because of the mourning and heartbreak of those who loved Lazarus....particularly his sisters, Mary and Martha.  I have thought about those two words, "Jesus wept", often as I've contemplated Jesus feeling sadness for us which I believe He does.  But I've never paid close attention to the words that followed, "Behold how He loved him!"  The Jews believed that Jesus was weeping, because Lazarus was dead which as I mentioned above was not the case.  They believed his weeping was a sign of his love for Lazarus, and yes Jesus did love Lazarus; but he also knew Lazarus would be raised.  As I read those words, I was reminded how death whether it be actual physical or by broken relationship or illness or any other way; and the grief we feel as a result is also a result of the love we shared.  "Behold how He loved him!"  Words like these have been in my heart several times as I've lost people I love so very much, yet I am just now noticing them for the first time in The Bible.  I've been thinking about and missing my parents so much, and isn't it awesome how God orchestrated this time on this day for me to take notice of these words?  These words that are a peaceful reminder of love.

FIVE CHILDREN

I have five children.  Although there are times when that feels like a lot of people, in all honesty I don't think five children is a lot.  I don't think a family of 7 is ginormous unless you are waiting to use the one tiny downstairs bathroom in the house.  If you think about it, five is one more than four and two more than three.  Now ten....that's a lot!!  When they were all little, it looked like a lot of people when we would go somewhere; and we would get all sorts of comments...some kind, some not.  Now that they are big, it looks like I'm hanging out with a bunch of friends and one 10 year old. Yes I know the average cost of raising a child is in the several hundred thousands, yes that's true; so one or two additional may have a profound financial impact.  In fact, I know it does.  For example, we have never flown anywhere all together.  In fact, Addi is the only Payne child who has ever been on a plane. We have a difficult time finding affordable places to stay that allow five children, going out to an "inexpensive" dinner is usually not really that "inexpensive", buying good tennis shoes for five is pricey, compact car is not an option, and I could go on; but there are also other profound impacts of having a house full of children.  They always have someone to hang out with, chores can be done much faster, car ride is never boring, they learn so much from each other, lots of stuff to share, many people to laugh with and cry with, but mostly so much love given and received.  Of course they don't always get along, but that's true in most families whether there's 2 or 10.  One thing I believe is this:  if you're thinking about adding another to your family, do it....you may always regret not adding one, but I bet you will never regret it if you do.