I Don't Feel Jesus!

My pastor, Ken, died tonight suddenly....unexpectedly....without warning. I am numb, in shock, heart broken, confused, angry, scared; and right now I don't feel Jesus around me. I know I will, but right now I don't. Right now I just want to punch something and wail uncontrollably. Right now I want to know what good is coming of this. Right now I want to wake up and learn that this was all a dream. Right now I want to fall apart and cry endless tears. Please pray for Ken's family and our church family! We will praise You in this storm, and God will continue to be glorified through Ken's death as He was during the way Ken led his life! Lift us up!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-19

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

¹⁹ Do not quench the Spirit.

Thank you God for blessing my life by having such a wonderful, authentic, spiritual, life changing leader as I had in Ken. God changed my life through Ken!

L-O-V-E!

I love LOVE....I really love it!

But I wonder why we take just this one day out of the year to celebrate such a wonderful expression of intimacy, honesty, adoration, affection, etc., etc. Do you think it's just so folks will take the time to actually slow down, take the time to stop and show the ones they love how much they LOVE them? I don't know. It baffles me a little, but nonetheless....I love LOVE!

Remember on this day that we celebrate LOVE and every other day what Jesus said.....

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34-35

And remember all you need is LOVE! And that's the truth! For those of you who may not always feel loved, know that Jesus adores you.....He loves you more than any human possibly could!

LIMBO

I'm in a state of limbo. Not feeling like I'm doing what I should be but not sure how to accomplish what I should be doing. Make sense? I have been feeling the need for a big change in our family's lifestyle and after a few sermons, speakers, meetings, Bible Studies, books I've read, etc., etc., etc.; I am almost ready to admit that I think God is putting this on my heart. My family, however, is not on board with this "big change"; so I'm not really sure what to do....except continue to pray and listen. Hopefully a more definitive answer will be revealed to me soon.

Pray For Kate

Please pray for Kate McRae. I have never met her or her family personally and stumbled upon their story 1 1/2 years ago. Kate has undergone all sorts of treatment for a brain tumor. Her PET scan this week was positive for cancer. Please pray for the McRaes. They have many excrutiatingly difficult decisions to make. To read more about Kate, you can go to www.prayforkate.com!

Another Princess!!!!

I always wanted another girl....who am I kidding....I always wanted another boy too!

Let's just face it.....I always wanted another babe in my house!

Since that isn't going to happen in the near future....

I would like to introduce you to the newest named Princess in

The Payne House!

Some of you have already had the pleasure of meeting her,

but if you haven't....May I introduce....

NOEL!

Drew's new kitty!

I must admit I have grown quite fond of her myself.

I mean what's not to love about having a princess in your house?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

Did you know I have the greatest group of friends in the world? Well I do!

I have lifelong friends....friends who I've known since childhood.

I have many newer adult friendships....mainly friends I've made at church, at work, or some who have taught my children.

I have long distance friends....friends who have moved away,

but I still see and keep in touch with them.

I also now have blogger friends....ladies I have never met face to face....but who have supported my blog and left invaluable comments and encouragement.

All of these people bring something special to my life.

I cannot imagine not having close friends.

When my girls were little, I use to worry that they wouldn't find those kinds of friends;

but so far so good!

As for Cal, I never really knew what kinds of friends guys have; because I wasn't a guy.

Once he was diagnosed and was not a typical little boy, I worried that he would never have friends. He has some of the best friends any person (boy or girl) could ask for.

Friends are a wonderful gem!

You know who you are!

Friends are a huge part of who I am, and I am so very thankful for each and every one of you!

One Week To Live

I've been sick the last few days, and the first day I was sick; I slept a lot! Typically when I sleep with fever, I have really odd dreams which I did; but I also had a really beautiful dream. Let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago in my Thursday morning Bible Study, the following question was posed: What would you do if you knew you only had a week to live? Now me, being the planner that I am, had all sorts of things run through my mind before I could even get to the actual answering of that question. Besides instantly knowing that whatever I did would involve my family, I had no other answer right off hand; because I was too busy thinking the following: Would I be sick? Would I feel like traveling? Should I try to squeeze in a trip to Disney Land for my kids' sakes, although I honestly have no desire to go there? Would my family know I only had one week to live? Would my one week start immediately, or would it start once I reached my destination if I chose to go somewhere? Would I die there? Would I have time to have my pastors come before I died? And the questions go on and on and on.... After contemplating those types of things briefly (ha)....I thought about my favorite place to be on a daily basis which is our home. I love being at home all snuggled up in my bed especially with a babe or two next to me, but again analyzing the question too much....I decided that I wouldn't want to die at home while my children are still so young. My dad died at home, and although I preferred it that way; I was an adult. After he died, my kids never really went into the room that they last saw him alive much. So then I decided to stop over analyzing and just spontaneously answer the question with the first thing that would pop into my head minus all the details and so I did. THE BEACH! I would spend my last week alive at the beach....maybe the first few days would include extended family and friends, and the end of the week would just be the seven of us. But once again I digress into the details of it all. The simple answer is I would go to the beach with my family. I love being at the ocean and everytime we go, I remember why. It is the most peaceful place on earth to me. All seven of us have different interests and things we like, BUT when we are at the ocean; we are all experiencing a piece of heaven on earth. Last summer, when we went to the ocean, there was one day in particular where I sat there with the wind gently blowing and the warm sun shining down while watching my children frolic around; and I thought to myself....I wonder if this is what heaven will be like? Not a worry, not a place to be, not an argument, not a deadline, no complaining, healthy, happy...really happy, loving each other, loving nature, no electronics, kids being kids, no to do lists, building sand castles, daddy burying them in the sand, being close to God! It was true bliss....one of the only times (not including the birth of my babes and marrying NPayne) that I really felt true perfect bliss. I remember thinking to myself....we will come to the ocean as often as we physically and financially can. The ocean is one place that I see my son as happy as he can be. The funny thing about that is the first few times we took him, he cried so hard; because he absolutely hated the sand...now he cries so hard when we leave. In fact this year he cried so much the day we left, that as we drove down the coast line to Louisiana to visit some family, we had to stop the car and let him get in one last time; so he would have some closure with his beloved friend the ocean. It was wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time....knowing how happy he was and that he would have to wait another 11 or 12 months to get back to that happy place. Water is necessary to survive...humans have to have water to live (not salt water obviously) but water nonetheless. Water is used in baptizing....washing away sin! Jesus gives us Living Water! Now back to my dream....In my dream, I was answering this question by writing it out....just like I am now....but I could picture it all in my head....that day at the beach last summer when I experienced true, perfect bliss....heaven on earth; and I knew that's where I would spend the last week of my life with my family....in true BLISS!

Ten years ago....the best day of 2001!

Ten Years Ago....my beautiful Drew Michelle Payne graced us with her presence. She was born on a Monday....a few days after I was released from 6 weeks of bedrest and 4 weeks early.

She was my easiest delivery and a surprise baby....we didn't know she was a girl

until she made her appearance! Her first name came from a wonderful friend, whom

I loved, who had a wonderful daughter named Drew.

Her middle name is after her cousin, and 2 of my Lifelong friends.

Her last name....well....you know where that derived from!

Even though she was 4 weeks early,

she weighed in at a very healthy 8 lbs. 13 oz.

Doctors predicted that she would

have weighed 13 lbs. if she had gone full term.

And now she's my little tiny petite Drew.

The girl that is just now wearing a size 8 and has just turned 10.

She was born on my dad's birthday....

"the best birthday gift I ever got"

he would always say!

Although she has had some physical struggles with her health,

she has dealt with them like a champ! She is overall a very

healthy, happy, sweet little girl with an old soul.

She's my granola girl....

the girl who never wants to do anything to her hair but brush it

and that's with a lot of encouragement. The girl that will try just about any type of food.

The girl that eats very healthy and will turn down dessert if she's full.

The girl that loves to read, that loves to be outside, that loves to play with her sisters, that looks after her brother, the girl who is very sentimental and empathetic. The girl who is the best friend anyone could ask for. The girl who would bring home every stray animal that we would allow her to. This is the girl who is trying to save the world. The girl who is sweet as sugar and has a temper like a firecracker....the girl who is most like me! This is the girl who has been bullied and will stand up for others who are bullied. The girl who loves JESUS! The girl who is neat and tidy and can't sleep at night if her room is a mess. This is the girl who looks fantastic dressed up but cute as a bug dressed down. This is the girl who thrives on dates with her mommy and daddy but loves being with her siblings as well. This is the girl who is very competitive....who likes to win and doesn't like to lose. The girl who has to put forth a lot of effort to be a gracious loser when competing with her family, but who loses graciously when competing against anyone but her family. This is the girl who enjoys music, crafts and is a wonderful artist and poet. This is the girl who wants to be a mommy when she grows up with a house full of kids. This is my smack dab in the middle child. This is the girl who makes my heart happy and full. This is the girl whom I adore. This is my Drewby Lou! I love you more than words can tell you! Happy Birthday Drew Boo!

SNOW SNOW BEAUTIFUL SNOW!

Day 4 in the frozen parts of Texas....which happens to be many! It's snowing again today, but this time it's good snow....build a snowman or snow princess snow.....not walk outside and bust your bum on the ice. NPayne was able to stay home again today, and he even had the pleasure of helping the kids (actually mainly Drew) make a snow princess! We all slept really late and laid in bed even after we woke up. Elliot fell yesterday and slightly chipped her two front teeth. It bled some, and she cried a lot. I haven't worn make up of any kind, since Monday. Our clean house is a wreck again, and our washer and dryer are running constantly. I'm hoping for no more rolling blackouts....our house gets really cold really fast when the temps are so low....OLD HOUSES ARE COLD HOUSES! I've been reading a lot of blogs and doing a ton of online browsing! I am officially addicted to Matilda Jane, and since I can't afford half their stuff; I shop on ebay for used items. I love getting something that's been worn once for 1/3 of the price! I let my hair dry naturally, so I wasn't using any unnecessary electricity....it's out of control....but my girls love it. I've gotten a lot accomplished, but I will be glad when I can move my piles of "garage sale stuff" to my shop and get them out of our living room and playroom. I have tons of trash from cleaning out our attic. Our trash hasn't been picked up in days, so it sits on our curb and on our porch....waiting. I guess the roads are too hazardous for them to drive on. The mailman, however, stands true and firm to the oath he took....and he comes every single day! The Super Bowl will played nearby on Sunday! The daddy/daughter dance, that was suppose to be tomorrow, has officially been postponed. Tomorrow is my sweet Drew's birthday....10 years old....double digits. It would have been my dad's birthday too...he would have been 68 years old. He loved sharing a birthday with Drew.... he use to say "she was the best birthday gift he ever got". She is a lot like him, because she is a lot like me; and I'm discovering that I'm a lot like my dad! I'm loving being home, and I'm loving more that NPayne will run out and pick up a few things for me; so I don't have to! I look at this time as a wonderful time of blessings....we are so fortunate to have these few days to stop, breathe, sit around in our pjs, and enjoy each other.

SNOW and ICE

So we are having a record number of cold days here in North Texas. My kids have been out of school for 3 days so far....I cannot ever remember missing 3 straight days of school due to snow and ice. I have to admit that I LOVE it....not the cold....but the being home and not having to step foot out of the house. I'm sure I'll get stir crazy soon enough, but as for now; I'm appreciating this down time. I've watched a few movies, read a lot, cleaned out closets and am organizing our attic....not to mention baked (okay I haven't actually baked a thing, but I've eaten everything that has been baked). It's been good. Thank you God for this time together!