Change

A lot has changed over the last week!  A piece of me is gone.  Relationships are dissolving, and trust has been broken.  It's been a hard week, but I am remaining faithful that good will come; and I have seen glimpses of that already.  A lot will be changing in the future. Although decisions have been made, even ones I didn't want to make, it is finished.  There is much uncertainty in many big things, but for me......there is no uncertainty.  I know which way to go.  Truth will be revealed, if not here, then there. People that I love have been hurt.  People that I love have hurt me.  Tough choices remain for many close to me, but for me; they are made.  Forgiveness will be given, though not quite yet, but forgetting will never come.  Forgiving is the easy part...for they know not what they do....it's the forgetting that's difficult....for they know exactly what they do.  Instead of moving forward, I am choosing to move on!  God will be with me either way, but I believe onward is the best choice!  The opportunities are endless, and a new chapter has begun!

Cal Is Cool!

This boy, my boy, will be a freshman next year!  SIGH!  Today we had his ARD meeting, the last one we will have for him in middle school.  It was long, informative and awesome.  Cal presented a power point complete with text and photos of himself and his friends.  It explained all the things he has done in middle school.  It was amazing.  I can't believe my sweet little towheaded boy will be in high school....dry your eyes!  I have to be honest when I say I spent a good part of my afternoon crying at the thought of my boy!  ARDs often have a way of doing that to me.  I held it together through the power point and listening to his sweet voice read it while Ms. Tandy (his teacher) whispered to him the hard words.  When his teacher and therapists, who have known him since he was 3, began talking about him moving on from them; it was tough!  We met the teacher he will have in high school, and she seems fabulous; and I know he will excel.  Watching your children plan for their future is wonderful, but it's so hard at the same time.  Time is going by so very fast.  Planning for a special needs child takes a lot of thought, but there is so much uncertainty that accompanies it as well.  NPayne and I wanted to say "We don't know" to so many of the things we were asked, because we don't know.  How can we know what to expect when he's 18 when we don't know what to expect in six months.  He surprises us all the time with the progress he's making, but honestly "we don't know"!  Truthfully I'm in no hurry to talk about group homes and jobs for him....truthfully I'm in no hurry to talk about where my typical almost 16 year old will live after high school either.  I just want to have them near me as long as possible.  At one point during the ARD, I rested my hand on his chair.  He picked it up and held it for a very long time.  I don't know if he was trying to ease my mind, his mind or both.  I wish everyone could know Cal and appreciate the kind of person he is and what he can teach you!  Cal is cool!

PEACE

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 
Colossians 3:15

Many things are trying to weigh me down, but I have decided that what is....is! I can't solve the problems, failing relationships, poor choices of everyone; so I'll try and let God do that.  You notice I said try, because it's hard not to get weighed down; and sometimes circumstances and people have to be different for God to be willing to do that.  It's not that I don't think He can, sometimes I think He allows us to suffer through things that weigh us down; so we can draw closer to Him.  The important part is that....we, in fact, have to realize that we need to draw closer to Him.  Make God our focus in everything we do, and even those heavy things....the ones that weigh us down....will start to fee light as air; and we will feel His peace!

Marriage

This past Sunday, my class did a lesson on marriage enrichment.  It was really a panel of married couples and a facilitator who led a discussion that we were all invited to participate in.  I didn't say anything during the lesson but just listened.  I agreed with most everything the couples shared about what makes their marriages strong, what each spouse is good at, what each spouse needs to work on, etc.  The one question that I would have answered differently was this one:
What do you think keeps your marriage good (I'm paraphrasing here, but it was something like that).  Some of the answers given were forgiveness, sharing values, commitment, becoming one over time, trust & respect.  I completely agree with all of those, but oddly those things were not what came to my mind when I heard this question.  What I immediately thought of was NPayne and things that make me love him so much of which those things are all part of, but I guess I thought of it in a different perspective; because I was thinking of things like....laughter, time spent alone, compliments, saying "I LOVE YOU", touch aka xoxo and hand holding and caresses.  I was thinking of more of the things that make me look forward to him walking in the door every single day....more of the daily things that keep him heavy on my mind and heart throughout the day and make me smile when I think of him.  Forgiveness, values, commitment, becoming one, trust & respect are definitely important and things that make marriage stronger; but so are the simpler (for lack of a better word) and daily things like laughing, embracing, "I love  yous", and time for just you two!

NPAYNE

This past Sunday, NPayne led our Sunday School class.  He rarely attends Sunday School with me, because he is usually teaching high schoolers.  However this past Sunday, it was a blessing to have him in class with me.  As I watched him and listened to him standing in front of the class initiating conversation and dissecting scripture, something came over me.....yes I know he's quite the handsome fella....but it had nothing to do with how cute he is.  As I watched him and listened, I was reminded how much God blesses my life through my husband.  His perspective and approach to so many things is exactly like mine and exactly different than mine, but much of the time; it is exactly what I need.  NPayne is usually able to calm my nerves, uncertainties, explosiveness, and every other emotion that oftentimes invade my mind. He supports me!  God supports me through him!  I can learn a lot through my husband.  I only hope that I can teach a lot through what I learn, and that he can learn through me....at least a little bit.  For NPayne and I, it wasn't love at first sight; but it was a growing love for each other....and thankfully it keeps growing.

February 5th! The best day of 2001!

Twelve years ago today, we were once again blessed with the wonderful gift of a child!!  We welcomed Drew Michelle Payne to this earth to love and care for and teach, to be loved and cared for and taught by her as well.  She is a gem!  Drew is my child....who is the most like me.  She wears her heart on her sleeve, wants everyone to get along, believes there can be peace on earth, and knows there is a GOD who loves her no matter what.  Drew wants to live on a farm, grow her own food, and have lots of children!  She is neat and tidy and organized.  She is an amazing artist, loves to read and sew; and she is learning how to play the ukulele and the harmonica.  She loves animals, is a free spirit, sweet and sensitive, my granola girl and hippie chick.  Drew has an extra kind heart and spirit, but she does have a quick temper which she inherited from her mama and her Papa.  Drew shares her birthday with her Papa....who would have been 70 years old today.  Although he died in 2005, we still celebrate the life he had; and the time we had with him.  They are both very very much alike!  Drew, I adore you!  You own my heart!

PHYSICAL THERAPY

I'm full into PT, and actually it's going quite well.  That doesn't mean it's not painful, because it is; but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....sort of.  The day I can put my hair into a ponytail all by myself will be the day I claim victory.  :)  Dave, my therapist, is a brutal man; but his brutality is done out of the knowing that it is for my own good.  Yesterday I was laying on the table with my eyes closed while he manipulated my shoulder.  Closing my eyes keeps me from having to look at his face as it contorts while he works on me, and it keeps me from seeing his expression as my face contorts in pain....plus I focus on other things....or at least I try to.  Anyway I was laying there, and I raised my left arm from resting position up to my side.  Dave suddenly says, "WHOA!  What are you doing"?  Startled I opened my eyes and said, "My arm itches, I'm trying to scratch it by rubbing it on my shirt".  To which he replies, "Oh I thought you were going to take a swing at me".  Now let me tell you....this is not the first time I've heard him say something like this.  I've heard him tell someone, "Don't kick me".   And I've heard him ask, "Are you going to hit me?" and other phrases like this.  DUDE!!! I can't help but wonder what kind of abuse he has endured over the years as people react to the  pain  therapy he is inflicting!  I know he is doing a good job and pushing me along, but truthfully it is no fun!  I do enjoy getting out of the house for the hour and a half I'm there, and I must admit I sort of love the end of therapy when I get the 10 minute nap complete with stems and heat!  If the nap could last about 3 hours, I think my shoulder would be that much better!  ;)

OUCH

The sling is off, and the shoulder hurts.  I know I've experienced this before (27 years ago), but truthfully nobody should ever have to experience this twice.  My concerns of not being able to function, in every day circumstances, are coming to fruition.  It's going to be a long road.  I pray it's one worth traveling.

PROBLEM

I have this weird problem....if you have the same problem, then I apologize for calling it weird.  Anyhoo....my problem is....I have a lot of guilt.  Guilt about all sorts of stuff and have had my whole life.  I've gotten better about dealing with it and channeling it, but I still have this weird sense of guilt about my life....because it's good.  It's not perfect, I have struggles (as you've read), there are arguments, family difficulties, my kids misbehave, I misbehave, health issues, etc.  However for the most part, my life is really good.  I have the most wonderfully, sexy, handsome, loving, doting (most of the time) husband.  I have five super-d-duper kids who adore me (most of the time), and whom I adore (all of the time)!  We have all we could ever need and then some, and most everything we could ever want.  We are basically all healthy.  I have wonderful friends, family, church family, and more.  I mean....it's a typical happy life (or so I would think).  I struggle with this so often when I see people whose lives are not good.  I don't ask God why mine is and theirs isn't, because I honestly don't feel like it's my business; but I do ask how?  How can I help?  And then I pray.  If I don't get an answer to the how, then I keep praying.  I'm a future worrier, as most of you know.  I don't worry much about the past or present, but it's the future that has me all wound up.  I can find myself getting wrapped up in the gloom and doom of things as well!  I will start worrying about something small, and it will nag at me until it's this big huge (future) issue that hasn't happened nor do I have any reason to believe it will happen; but I still find myself worrying...losing sleep.  I am working really hard....I mean really hard....on giving it to God.  You know I've heard that worry is somewhat like having little faith, and that I understand; but still....I worry.  As of late, and if I were truthful since I've had children, I've had these moments when something happens; and I find myself thinking what would I do if.....?  Oklahoma City Bombing, 911, the shootings at Columbine, Sandy Hook, my lifelong friend losing two children during childbirth, childhood cancer, missing children, accidents, etc.  I find myself thinking what would I do if.....?  Then I realize that there is absolutely NO WAY ever that I would know what I would do if, and I also know that there is absolutely NO WAY I could survive it.  I couldn't do it....I couldn't....no doubt in my mind that I COULD NOT survive it.  And then.....I thank God that I wouldn't have to, because if I was ever faced with the what would I do if.....; I know that He would carry me.  And then I pray for those who are "surviving" their circumstance with God, for those who are "surviving" without God, and for those who aren't surviving.  I will trust in you!

Have you ever heard this song?  I sing it often but lately it's been on my mind constantly.

LISTEN HERE!


When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

When the darkness is close at hand
And I'm running against the wind
I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.
When I'm standing upon that shore
All the battles I've gone before
I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid.


I WILL NOT BE AFRAID!  I WILL TRUST IN YOU....hands held high in your honor and glory!  I WILL TRUST!

FRUSTRATING

Visited the orthopedist yesterday and had all external sutures removed.  All is looking good, and the scarring will be miniscule.  Unfortunately I have two more weeks in the sling, no use of my arm yet.  I knew this was a possibility, but for some reason it hit me harder than I thought.  Thinking about trying to work, care for my kids and get them to and from, and take care of my arm is becoming a little overwhelming.  NPayne has done a super terrific job, and will continue as always, of taking on my duties along with his; but it will become much more challenging with the kids starting back to school and activities and me trying to work.  My arm is so sore, and I get whipped fast; so the working part has me the most concerned.  I think I will be able to do some from home, but truthfully I don't know how much I can do at this point.  I have spent the last 2 weeks lying in bed and being able to lie down whenever I feel sick, tired, or just whipped; and having a lot of help.  I have found myself in complete mode of tears and mental breakdown the last few days as I attempt to dress myself, pick up around the house, make a glass of tea or anything....it is so frustrating and painful!  I'm too old for this....I'm too young for this!  Then I think about people, like my mother, who have so many more health issues to deal with....life changing health issues...issues that aren't going to make them "good as new" in a few months; and I remember that all is going to be fine.  It's just a bump, a little bump, in the road.