2019....Here You Are!!

Happy New Year!  WOW!!! I can't believe a year has passed. Sometimes I think time goes really slow but mostly I feel like it's speeding by.  I've been reflecting a lot, lately, well actually I reflect a lot anytime I have a spare moment.  This morning I was sitting in my quiet house all alone while everyone was sleeping (except Cal, who was upstairs).  I was thinking about the seasons of life and how this past year, was the last one for the current season.  This time next year, I'll have 3 adult children and 2 college students.  Watching my babies grow up into these amazing humans, and I'm so excited to see how life unfolds for them all but still....like what?  I cannot believe they are growing up so fast.  I'll share a little secret....I find myself staring at any of them, all dazed and confused, as to how they ever fit in my belly.   Where did those babies go?  You may think that's weird, and I bet they will to; but really it's an amazing gift....this thing called LIFE!  Now I need to hold a baby....STAT....but I digress!!
 I don't make resolutions, because I just don't.  But a few years ago, I decided to be more intentional in some things each day.  I don't get it right every day, but I can say that I do try!!  These are some of the daily things I attempt:  to send my girls an encouraging quote, scripture, I LOVE YOU and YOU'RE AMAZING message each day, to kiss my husband every morning and night, to ask Cal the best part of his day and really listen to his reply, to relish in the moments and times the 7 of us spend together, to be more gentle (that's a work in progress), to be more spontaneous, to extend grace and love openly and just because it's what Jesus would do.  I've tried to not take things personally, to forgive myself and others, not sweat the small stuff, remember to thank God each morning my eyes open, comfort those who need comforting, look people in the eye and listen, hold onto hope, step outside my comfort zone in the name of Jesus, say "NO" to things I cannot do without grumbling, make a difference in the world,  don't let life pass me by and if I think something nice about someone....make sure and tell them.  I'll be honest....I find myself really really tired and overwhelmed by so much negativity and hate in the world (and I don't even read or watch the news), so I'm going to reach for the positives, for peace, for good!  One of the ways I have found to do this is to follow the lead of my children.  When they have an idea of how to make a difference, I need to always always always say "YES"!  Another way is to just let go of things that are weighing me down.  It's hard for me to do, so I have to work really hard. I saw these on social media these last few days, and I think this is a good place to start!  The first is by author, Morgan Harper Nichols The second is by my friend, Kathy Baker. Happy New Year!!  Bring it on 2019!

What Can $10,000 Do? A Whole Heck Of A LOT!

Best Christmas gift ever!!!  What a wonderful blessing!!  We were able to hand out so much to many people in Dallas and Fort Worth, and they were so so grateful.  Thank you all for always continuing to support Drew and her efforts!!

I'm Feeling 22....or 52....basically the same thing!

Today is my birthday. I love birthdays, because I love celebrating the gift of life. I’ve been close to death a few times in my 52 years, and my health is not the best; so I’m super grateful to have another year under my belt. I’ve lost both of my parents, so I know grief and how so very hard it is without parents. I’m not ready for my kids to experience that pain yet, so again I’m so grateful to grow another year older. As I was reflecting on this past year, I thought about the people in my life...and how they have impacted me: the ones who stuck around, the ones who walked away, the ones who filled me up, the ones who hurt my heart, the ones I see often, the ones I miss a lot. I thought about how important people are to me. The ones who hold your hand in the good and the bad, the ones who you forgive and who forgive you, the ones who just listen and let you talk and the ones who you listen to. And then the people who love you with their whole self unconditionally no matter what, and I’m grateful. Authentic, honest relationships are a gift. People who stick by you and love you when you’re hard to love are a gift. Those who walk away....well....maybe they were there to teach you something or so they could learn something from you. Either way, I’m grateful for each of you and what you have brought to my life! Now it's time to eat all the donuts and drink all the coffee!!! Much love to you all!!

There's This Boy...

There's a boy in one of my classes who makes me think of what Neil would have been like as a sophomore.  He's quiet, almost always tardy and some may think he's lazy or doesn't care; but really he's just the epitome of being laid back.  I would guess he doesn't have a lot of interest in school academics, because he doesn't think he will be able to afford to go to college. I would guess his parents work a lot, and he probably does too, so he may be more focused on paying some bills and helping to feed the family.  I would guess he has a really sweet heart and is very kind.  I would guess his sense of humor is wonderful, and he doesn't take things too seriously....even when they are.  I would guess he won't go to college but will end up being pretty successful, but he will have to work triple the time to climb his way up.  I would guess he is gentle and loving and will be a really good husband and father.  Not long ago, I was driving home; and I saw him cross the street.  He was wearing a Guns 'N Roses t-shirt with his long hair blowing in the wind, and he made eye contact with me while I was sitting in my car.  He gave me a slight smile, nod and a little wave; and I waved back.  It makes me smile to see who I think my better half might have been like when he was in high school, because I think this young man has a bright future ahead of him.  And someday a lot of people will see this too.

My Babies

These are my babies, even though they don't look like babies, they're my babies.  They are all amazing people for many of the same reasons and many unique ones too.  A few weeks ago, my smack dab in the middle child, Drew was featured on WFAA Daybreak for a ministry and passion she started to help feed homeless people.  

It was a sweet story, and the reporter did a wonderful job.  When he contacted me, I asked Drew about doing the story.  She thought it was cool at first, but when the time was approaching; she got anxious.  She is very much a "behind the scenes" kinda girl and would never want to draw attention to herself.  I told her to try hard to get outside of her own head and realize that this story wasn't about her, but about something much bigger and that it could bring awareness and maybe more funding/volunteers/donations for something she is so passionate about.  She agreed and did an awesome job.  Many people, including the reporter, mentioned how proud I must be of Drew.  I have thought about this a lot, and I am proud....so proud....I'm proud of my kids for many things, but pride isn't what I feel when it has to do with something we all should be doing:  LOVING PEOPLE and CARING FOR PEOPLE. However, I am very proud of her for working through that anxiety and seeing the bigger picture. When you have an anxiety disorder, it can be very difficult to get past the anxiety enough to see the big picture.  I'm also proud of her for encouraging people, including me, to get involved.  

Social media can portray things in certain ways, and although we are a pretty happy family; we are not perfect.  Our family is not perfect, and I, especially, am so so far from perfect. Neil is not perfect, but he's pretty close 😜.  My kids are not perfect....they aren't.  They argue, they leave dishes in the sink, they forget to do their homework, run out of gas, talk back, get mad at me, get mad at each other, etc. They are not perfect.  They falter just like the rest of us.They have made some bad choices, and I know they may make some more; but in the depths of who they are....they are good, compassionate, kind people.  Life isn't alway easy for them.  They have faced some big big challenges:  mental health, physical health, paying for college, bullying (even still), loss of their grandparents, their mom's (that would be me) physical health challenges, exclusion and more; but they are resilient, strong and humble....and that is something that makes me proud.  In the last year, I've seen them deal with situations in such mature, honest and thoughtful ways; and that makes me proud.   Much of their resilience, strength and goodness is just who they are.  Much of it comes from choices we've made as parents in raising them (Neil is truly a rockstar father), much of it comes from their grandparents, much of it comes from you....our village. So many of you have poured so much into our family and our children; and I could never ever ever tell you how grateful I am for that love and support.  So this post is to tell you that, yes, I am proud of my babies and am grateful for the people they are; but it's also to tell you a great big THANK YOU for encouraging and loving these kids.  Our lives aren't perfect, but right now they're good; and we're having fun living them and are really really grateful.

What A Difference A Year Makes

"Isn't it crazy how we can look back a year ago and realize how much everything has changed?  The amount of people that have left your life, entered and stayed.  The memories you won't forget and the moments you wish you did.  Everything.  It's crazy how all that happened in just one year."

CRAZY HUH?  The other day I was thinking about this time last year and how much things have changed since then.  I was thinking about this time 2 years ago and how much things have changed.  I was thinking about this time 4 years ago and how much things have changed, and 7 years ago and 13 years ago and 28 years ago.  So many things change in such a short time, and yet many things stay the same.  Isn't it funny how we can reflect back on hard things and remember it being so so hard, but also remember it with such love?  That's kinda how I remember things that have changed and people that have left my life.  Many times it's part of the plan, the bigger plan, that we don't see.  Many times it's just the circle of life and natural consequences.  Many times it's due to choices that were made.  However it came about, I always look for something good.  Then there are those who have come into your life for different reasons....hopefully good ones, but sometimes not; and you wonder about these people and what part they will play in the grand scheme of your life.  And of course those who stay, and those are people I'm so thankful to have.  If they stay, it's usually because I want them there; but sometimes out of circumstance.  All of the people, who have left my life, come into my life, and stayed in my life have left an impact on my journey.  Sometimes it was to teach me something, sometimes it was for me to teach them, sometimes it was just to support and love each other and sometimes it was to learn how to handle conflict; but for all of them....I am grateful.

Find Your Something

This is my smack dab in the middle child.  She followed her heart and started a ministry to help feed homeless people.  God spoke to her, and she listened.  A really cool reporter did a story about it.  You can watch it here.  When the reporter, Sean Giggy, asked me how I felt when she first suggested making these bags, I thought about it a bit.  And although I'm really proud of each of my kids for different things (they are really all amazing people), pride isn't what I felt.  I don't really feel "proud" when my kids do things we should all be doing like helping and loving others.  At least not now, that they are all old enough to do this on their own.  I do feel grateful and joyful that she has encouraged so many other people (including me) to get involved in helping and loving in this way.  But mainly what I feel is hope....in the future!  When Sean sent me the link to watch the story, I told him he had done a really good job on the story; and I said "Who knows...maybe she'll raise that million dollars."  After thanking me for allowing him to air it, he replied with "Let's hope."  HOPE...sometimes that's all we have, so keep grasping at it.  And remember you can't do everything, but you can do something.  So find that something.  And if you do wanna help raise a million dollars, click right here.

! ;)

SIBLING BFF's

     A few weeks ago was my 4th child's birthday.  She turned 15.  As I was browsing social media and seeing the posts her sisters had written for her, I realized something....something I had known, but maybe had taken for granted.  They really all adore each other. They each wrote something about their BFF's birthday or how much they love her including inside jokes and lovingly teasing her.  My son came home so very excited to give her the card he had purchased just for her.  As I was thinking about this, I felt so so grateful.  On each birthday, they write something similar yet personal to that particular sibling; because my kids really really really love each other.  They enjoy each other, they have fun together and they really are each others' BFFs.  Of course they fight and get irritated with each other, and from time to time; one may feel left out.  And they often tease about which one is "the favorite". But they are really good at talking about it and making it right, because they are more than siblings....they are friends.  This is what I dreamed about when I was young.  I grew up an only child, so I don't know what it's like to have siblings.  I prayed so hard for a brother when I was a little girl.  My parents tried really hard to make that a reality, but they just couldn't.  My mom couldn't have anymore children because of her RA.  They tried adoption and were very close, and then we had to move for financial reasons; so it fell through.
      We went on a road trip this weekend, and although we do our best to find accommodations where everyone can have an actual bed; we usually don't.  Mainly because it's just too expensive.  So the girls have to compromise on sleeping arrangements.  Cal will always always sleep wherever we tell him to, but he is partial to the fold out couch.  The girls ARE NOT.  Can't say I blame them.  As I was listening to them figure it all out last night and thinking about our weekend spent in close quarters and all the times we've ended up in close quarters while traveling, I couldn't help but smile.  It seems we always laugh a lot when we are the closest (physically).  It was on my 4th child's birthday that it really hit me that what I had dreamed about as a young child was a reality as a grown woman, but I was participating as a coach on the sidelines more than in the actual game.  I get to watch a team stick together and support each other through victories and losses, and it's really the best thing....it really is the best thing.  WOW!

Valuable

I'm going to be honest and not out of a place of self pity or a place of seeking pity, but out of a place that maybe you have been in.  For the last several years, I have really struggled with not feeling valued.  My opinions, my dreams, my efforts in relationships, the strategic planning in being stewards, the family time, the friend time....sometimes it seems taken for granted the most by the people who I'm trying to do these things for.  When I put a lot of effort into something or someone, and that's not fruitful or is ignored; I find myself wondering if maybe I am just not important to them.  I am working 40+ hours/week to earn a living, caring for a house full of people and pets, and strategically planning my schedule so I can be available to spend time with important people in my life.  When my time and efforts aren't valued by others, I find myself feeling like the things I put so much effort into aren't important to anyone but me....so maybe they're just not important at all.  Planning my schedule around events is very important to me, and I do my best to be as considerate as possible by doing this.  Asking for a reply or some help with something is because I need it to get something accomplished.  But oftentimes it's ignored, and I tell myself....we are  just busy...but really nobody is any busier than anyone else.  You prioritize people and events in your life...you choose what keeps you busy.  You choose what's important to you.  You choose who's important to you.  YOU CHOOSE!!  Lately instead of hurt, I've been more irritated by this; and truth be told...I try to convince myself that they are right...these relationships or events or dreams are just not important. When I want to give up on it all....the friendships, the dreams, the plans; I realize that I can't.  It's not who I am.  I'm a people gatherer, people are important to me. And although my attempts to gather may be more unsuccessful than successful, I won't give up.   Although my dreams are only mine, I'll keep dreaming.  Although my efforts and plans are ignored or unnoticed, I'll keep trying and planning.  Tonight as I was thinking about this and how invisible I was feeling, God gently nudged my thoughts with these words..."I SEE YOU!"  I sat up straighter, cleared my head and knew that's really the only one who matters; and I'll keep going.  Because sure I want to be important, but what it boils down is this....I am....to the One who loves the most.

When God Nudges....He Means Business!

People....they are put in your life for a reason.  Do you believe this?  I wonder!  So many people on this planet, and I bet we don't meet a smidgen of them.  I do wonder if people are put in our path for a particular purpose or reason.  Some we will have in our lives forever and some for a very brief moment.  Isn't that strange to think about?  Maybe it's just strange to me.  I have this friend, one I had known for a few years, in a casual kind of way.  Then we became closer when we worked alongside each other a few years ago.  She's funny and kind and gets my weird sense of humor, and she's a red head....BONUS!  When my mom died, it was late on a Monday night.  She called me first thing on Tuesday, and lo and behold I answered the phone.  It was the weirdest thing, because I never answer the phone on a good day but especially not on the day after my mom died.  But for some reason, I saw her name; and I knew I needed to answer.   We didn't really even talk, she just let me cry.  I have thought about those few moments so often, and how much I needed those few moments to get through the next few days...weeks...years, and how brave she was for calling me.  I have cried many more times about my mama, but for some reason; I always remember those few moments and how I felt immediately after, like I was brave too.  Not too long ago, her daddy died; and I have thought about that a lot.  What could I do for her that would even compare to what she did for me....in those few moments of that phone call?  We've had coffee/breakfast and text and chatted here and there, and we have talked about her daddy.  But I hadn't really offered her anything, because nothing seemed right.  A few weeks ago, God told me exactly what to do....He nudged me to buy her a hanky.  I love hankies and all types of linens, so I was happy about to oblige. I had a feeling she would appreciate the gift, because hankies are lovely.  I chose a yellow one, because yellow is a cheerful color but mostly because it's her favorite.  It wasn't until I started to write in the card that I realized what God wanted me to do....to be honest. So I shared some of the things I experienced when losing my parents:  firsts are hard (especially holidays), there's going to be a big piece of your heart that is just gone forever,  it's OKAY TO CRY like just randomly sometimes and life does go on but it's different.  Grief is a different for everyone, but one thing I think is kinda the same for most is....it doesn't go away....you learn to live with it, but it's always there.
After she received the hanky and card, she emailed me.  She didn't call, because she knew she would cry (and probably that I would too).  She told me how her dad always carried a handkerchief, how she could picture him pulling it out of his jeans, and how the only thing she asked her mom for was one of his handkerchiefs....she keeps it in her drawer with his scent still on it.  When I read her reply, I was overwhelmed with what God had done.   How great is our God?  The way He nudges us towards something that we may not understand, but He knows will be so meaningful to that one person but in such a way that maybe she will feel a little peace.  I'm so grateful that she was brave enough to listen to God's nudge that day she called me and let me cry, and I'm grateful that He nudged me to be a small part of her peace; and that I was brave enough to listen.  It's not about you or me, it's about Him.  Let Him use you, and you will see His goodness.