EXHALE

Ennegrams are quite a popular thing, but I haven't been that interested in learning about mine.  However a week or so ago, I needed something to read during independent reading time in my classes; so I decided to look for something online.  I wanted a book that wasn't one I felt I needed to finish right away, you know, one I couldn't put down; because it was so intriguing.  I was currently reading one like that at home and didn't want to read another one simultaneously. I'm not very good at reading 2 intriguing books with very evolved  plots and characters; I tend to get things mixed up between the two. I got online to find a book that was more factual and found one on ennegrams, so I thought I would see what it was all about. At first, I didn't think I fell anywhere on the enneagram scale.  After I finished the book, I still wasn't sure; because it was so much information. My daughter told me to take a test, so I did.  The results say I'm a 2 with a 3 wing. I looked this up and several things popped up that seem accurate for me, but this one seems to be the most accurate...especially this part:

A few weeks ago, I spent the weekend at a women's retreat hearing from a very insightful speaker about learning to exhale.  It was a retreat designed for women, who are or feel like they are, all things to all people.  She wrote a book about it appropriately titled Exhale.  We had sessions based on the book and then met in small groups to discuss each session.  It's so interesting how people are so similar yet so different.  I think most of the women, in my small group, and maybe in general feel or have felt like we are pulled in many directions aka wear many hats aka are all the things to all the people at some point.  Oftentimes it revolves around the season of life we are in and oftentimes it revolves around the type of person we are. I learned a lot about how some women view and handle some situations differently.  It's not new news, but it is interesting information.  The most important thing I realized at the retreat was about caring for your self.  Over the last few years, but especially this last year; loving yourself and self worth have been a huge topic on social media.  At first, I was kinda on board; but then I wasn't.  In all honesty, I interpreted most of the things focused on self love as self serving:  influencers trying to grow their followers, sell the products they advertise for, etc.  In other words, I didn't see most of this as genuine but more as a trend that would soon fade away, like many others.  As I talked with my small group about the thing I was taking away from the weekend, I realized that it was what the speaker said about self love:  Loving yourself is an act of worshiping our creator.  Although I desire the time and effort to invest in myself, I find myself feeling guilty or selfish thinking about making myself a priority.  I've felt guilty about something most of my life, and it wasn't until the last 5 years or so that I realized that most of what I felt guilty about was a waste of time and energy.  Many women I know sacrifice a lot of themselves for others and are not necessarily the best at carving out time for themselves.  This can lead to feelings of  exhaustion and inadequacy, as well as, feeling unappreciated or not valued.  Once I heard that loving yourself is an act of worship to the one who created you, my perspective changed.  I haven't made a complete turn around, but I've been taking baby steps in the direction of loving myself more and setting aside time to care for myself.  It takes time.  However there are a few things, out of my control, that have a negative impact on me.  Unfortunately I don't see that changing anytime in the near future, and I have to work hard to not let it drain me dry of anything but resentment.  Although I have tried to view this differently, I am seeing that it is more difficult than I anticipated. This type of environment is the most difficult to maneuver, because it not only affects your well being; but also your relationships.  It can also play a huge part in confirming thoughts that you are unimportant and unheard.  Intentionally taking the time to exhale and changing thoughts on self love can push you along in a forward direction.  For me, this is going to be integral in being content and being present in the time on earth that I have. It will be integral in reminding me that taking care of myself, mentally/physically/spiritually are valuable parts of worship. It will be an integral part of self love and really embracing how Jesus sees me. I hope you will know how Jesus sees you, and you will realize the importance of loving yourself well.  It took me 53 years to see that through a different lens, and now I think....better late than never.