She is beautiful,

but you really cannot comprehend it until you understand that she is the result of the pieces that she refused to let life take from her. 

JM Storm

I saw this quote today, and I was like....DING DING DING....the lightbulb went on for me.  I have thought this exact thing about many other women I love, who have had hard things, happen in their lives.  But I have never thought it about myself until I read it today, and I thought.....OH I GET IT NOW.....this applies to me too.  Funny how sometimes we can think that our sufferings or pains aren't as deep as others.  I've done that a lot of my life....while trying to get through something really hard.  I've kept it to myself, because I thought if I talked about it too much; it would become a burden to others.  There are some things that have happened that I have never told to another soul....never.  I've prayed about it and asked God to give me the nudge if I should.  I've felt close a few times, but I've never carried it out. I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to say some of those things out loud.  It's a fight for us all to keep those pieces, isn't it?  But today I read those words, and I saw myself as beautiful in a way that I never have before; and I think that's a start.

Unanswered Prayers

A few years ago, God told me to move....as in....physically move.  Many things pointed me in that direction and somewhere along the way, I got the feeling if I wasn't obedient that some really trying times would come.  Well since I was the only person, in the family, who got the memo from God; we didn't move....no matter how hard I tried to convince....we did get close though.  I prayed that He would put us all on the same path, but that didn't happen either.  The last few years have definitely had their trials, and almost halfway through 2018 hasn't proven any different.  The last few weeks have been some of the most challenging health wise for some of us....mentally, emotionally, physically.  One of my girls made the decision to try to address some of the things causing her such heartache.  Neil and I were so proud of the way she handled it...talking through things with people who were important to her in person, and then specifically to some people who really needed to hear what she had to say and why she was hurting.  For her, it was huge and mature and freeing.  She oftentimes always sees herself as a burden to people....making things worse for them, making their lives miserable, not being able to get it right with anyone.  No matter how much I try to tell her that it is not her responsibility to make someone else happy, and she should never let anyone control her happiness or unhappiness; we all know that can be really hard to do for some of us.  I told her, in all honestly, most people aren't even thinking about her but more about themselves.  Unfortunately she has seen this to be true as it manifested itself in the last few days.  Although there were apologies after she shared her heart, they didn't seem sincere as other things have come to light.  Although there were tears, they were not sorrowful but self serving.  At first I couldn't understand why she still seemed so sad.  Then she shared with me the truth of what had happened that night she shared her heart with so many, and although it made a positive impact for some; she knew things would not be different for a few...the few who it needed to be different for the most.
It's a hard lesson to learn, as a teen, as an adult, as a person...that not everyone has your best interest at heart.  It may not start out that way, but sometimes it ends up that way; and it's just hard.  Believe me, she isn't perfect...this girl of mine...she can be snarky and sassy and very very stubborn; but her heart is good through and through.  She would never intentionally cause pain to anyone....never.  Through these last few days, I've done a lot of thinking.  I haven't heard God tell me to move in quite a while, but things are still really challenging health wise, financially, job/school wise.  So I've started revisiting that idea again, but mostly I've been praying for God to give us all the same direction.  I'll admit that I pray for some things to go the way I want them to, and most of them haven't.  They're still on my heart, and sometimes I still say them out loud; but mostly now I pray for contentment and understanding and good state of mind and body.  I trust God....I've seen Him do too many good things with "unanswered prayers".  I know He knows what He's doing...it's all the people in the world (oftentimes including me) who don't.  I feel some change coming.

This Is Enough!

Lots of things going on in the last few months....some good, some not.  Sunday was a pivotal time for one of my kids.  It was a time for reconciliation and addressing some feelings.  It wasn't easy, but it was valuable and worth it for my child and some others.  I have struggled with self image for as long as I can remember.  I've spent a good part of my life concerned with how other people view me, and many wasted hours wondering "what I did wrong", when in fact I did nothing wrong.  I've let my imagination conjure up all sorts of scenarios.  I've read too much into things.  I've definitely over thought some things, but most of all I've just wasted a lot of time.  Sunday night, Neil told my child that he had made the decision a long time ago not to concern himself with what others thought of him.  He said, it was one of the best decisions of his life.  I have another friend who has the same mindset, and she is so so strong.  I've been reading Of Mess and Moxie by Jen Hatmaker, and today I read Chapter 15.  It described a lot of what I've been feeling, and I think a lot of it is due to the things I was mentioning above.

DOLDRUMS CHAPTER 15
Author's note: "This essay does not apply to serious trauma or depression. The doldrums are a funk, not a severe crisis. Sometimes we require therapy, intervention, and possibly medication and the practices I describe are inadequate. 
dol·drums
ˈdōldrəmz,ˈdäldrəmz/Submit
noun
a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression.
"the mortgage market has been in the doldrums for three years"
synonyms: depression, melancholy, gloom, gloominess, downheartedness, dejection, despondency, low spirits, despair; More
an equatorial region of the Atlantic Ocean with calms, sudden storms, and light unpredictable winds." Then she says this, and I find this the truest statement of statements I've heard in a long time. "Here is the bummer about doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift yourself out are the same things you've lost energy to do. The simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean. Your mind knows to do them, but your will refuses to cooperate. Which makes your mind furious and mired in shame, which makes your will dig its heels and wallow, which makes you realize you are turning on yourself. You are your own worst enemy. No one can oppress me like myself. How did I get out of this funk? Nothing miraculous happened, except one day I said, 'This is enough.' Virtually nothing changed that day. Or the next. These things aren't overnight success stories, because if it took three months and 459 lazy, unhealthy choices to get stuck, it takes some time to climb out....I wish I had better news about breaking free, but apparently we just have to grab a shovel and start digging." 


After thinking about this most of today, I've decided that I'm going to put in 100% effort to figure out how to do what I think is best.  Not because of what other people think or tell me, but because of what I think is best.  I'm not going to continue to allow people talk down to me, directly or passively aggressively.  I'm not going to allow people to discredit my efforts as a mother, wife, person, christian, friend.  I'm not going to feel badly about things I choose to do that I have chosen to do for a good reason.  I realize that a lot of the things (I think people may think or the way they react are all in my head), so I'm also going to do my best not to worry about it and remember that most people are too wrapped up in their own business to care that much about mine.  THIS IS ENOUGH!

My Life Is Good

My life is good.  I tell myself that every day, not because I don't believe it, but because I do.  I have trials and struggles, and some are really hard sometimes; but my life is good.  Sometimes I am surprised at how good it is.  I think about myself 31 years ago, and the pit I was in.  I think about how I had absolutely no idea what was to come, how good it was going to be; and also how hard it was going to be.  I had no idea...none!  I remember when Neil and I were newlyweds, his sister asked me if I wanted to come to a psychic party; and I said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  I knew that if the psychic told me something, and it didn't come true; I would try to force it.  I also knew I would just live my life in a state of waiting. I use to be really superstitious before my faith and trust in Jesus grew to where it is today.  I still fall away and oftentimes try to take control, but then I remind myself that my life is good; and that's not because of me but because of Him.

Hold On!

Through our toughest times, we can feel the most alone.  Sometimes we can lose site of everything...family, friends, even God.  Two of my kids have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  My oldest daughter shares her story here.  It's a beautiful story of rebirth and healing.  Her darkest days were some of mine.  I remember falling on my knees one day pleading with God to heal her and help her find herself again.  It was the only time in my life that I fully relinquished control to Him, because I finally figured out that I had none.  It was terrifying and a great relief at the same time.  I remember praying and telling God to take it and to see us all through it....whatever that may look like.  From the moment I realized how serious her battle was, Jesus told me that He would bring something good from her story.  I have clung to that every minute of every day.  Of course since then, I have started pulling the reigns once again on the freedom God gives when we fully trust Him....yes I want to know everything is going to be alright, so I grasp for control again.  It really doesn't make things easier or better, just makes me worry more.  I  battle a looming feeling that can try to steal my joy, and it takes a conscious effort to fight through it.  Although I have felt very very alone at times, I know now that I have never been and will never be alone.  I learned that during the times you're the most vulnerable, frightened, numb;  you'll learn who will stick with you and who won't.  Oftentimes people judge and even abandon....those you think you can count on, and that makes things that much more confusing.  Maybe it's for their own self preservation or insecurities or pain,  maybe it's because they just weren't who you thought they were, maybe it's because they weren't meant to be in your life; or maybe it's because you put too much trust in a person instead of in the saving grace and mercy of Our Savior.  One truth that can be very very hard to hold onto, when you're facing the darkness, is that God never abandons you.   He walks beside you, He feels your pain, He uses your story for good, He loves you.  My prayer for all, who might not feel His presence in your biggest pits of life, is that you will hold on until you do.  Just hold on.  Jesus Loves You!! I love you!!

Be What You Want

I haven't been feeling well....like in my brain....and I've been trying to be really intentional and gentle and patient and merciful.  Sometimes being sick is a reminder that those things are important, because one day you won't be able to be anything at all; so be what you want to be while you can.

Be An Encourager

Man a lot has happened in the last few weeks, some of it has broken my heart; but some of it has opened my eyes wide.  One thing I know is that surrounding yourself with encouragers makes a world of difference.  I witnessed this first hand when Drew and I were in Costa Rica a few weeks ago.  She has one of the best friends in the world, Reagan.  They have been friends since they met in our church nursery when they were 4.  They have never been anything but so so good to each other.  That entire week, I saw Drew laugh and smile; and I remembered how good it feels to have someone encourage you.  Today Drew got a job as a caregiver in our church nursery, and Reagan is applying too.....the place they first became friends.  The whole time Drew and I were talking about them working together again (they were counselors at camp a few summers ago), she smiled.  We laughed at stories of their friendship, and I felt a happiness that I haven't felt in a long time.  I decided that one of the things I need to be better at is being an encourager.  I use to be really really good at it, but lately I haven't been as great at it.  But today, I'm going to try harder.  Encouraging people is so so good for them, and it's so so good for me. I'm grateful God reminded me of this once again.

HELP....It's Not a Bad Word!

So I went to Costa Rica last week with Drew and our juniors/seniors in our youth group.  I had gone when Addi was a junior back in 2014, and I loved every single minute of it.  The people were amazing and so full of love.  I wrote about it then here and here.  This time was a little different as some of the people were different and some of the things we did were different, but it was very much the same; because the Holy Spirit was ever so present.  One of the things that touched me the most was one day when we were in Quiriman.  We had visited a school there and done some Q&A with the high schoolers and then some VBS with the elementary kids.  It was a lot of fun, and our kids enjoyed it so so much.  The pastor of the local Methodist church was there too, Pastor Marlene. After we left the school, we went to the church she leads for a tour and lunch.  Some of the kids and Pastor Armando had been there the previous year, so they were amazed at all that had been done in a year's time.  I thought the church was beautiful....maybe one of the most beautiful parts of the trip.  As I watched her talk about her church and all that had been done, there was pride beaming from her face. It wasn't boastful pride but pride in what God had done there through all those who had been willing to follow His lead.  She was shining.  Even though she was proud of what had been done at their beautiful church, there was more to do.  She explained some of the needs, the cost and how they needed help to make it work.  I loved her honesty and willingness to ask for help, because she knew that her community couldn't do it all on their own; and she knew God would be glorified.  She knew that there are people who want to help her church, and she didn't let pride or discomfort get in the way.  I thought about that a lot over the next few days and how sometimes asking for help can be really really hard.  It use to be really hard for me.  I didn't want to be a burden or seem needy, but one day I relinquished that and began to be honest with myself in admitting I need help...a lot of times I need help.  It was when Bryna was born, 14 years ago, and I had 3 young children at home.  She was really sick when she was born and was in NICU for several days.  We couldn't take our other children to see her, because it was RSV season; so Neil and I would alternate times to go.  I had to go more than he for feeding purposes.  The nurses were amazing.  The other parents were amazing.  There were people bringing us meals and praying for us, but I still felt very alone from the minute they wheeled me into the NICU where the doctor said our baby was in very serious condition.  I remember going back to my room, and it was empty....no visitors, no flowers, no teddy bears.  It was the first time I had had a baby where only a few people visited, and there weren't a gazillion flower deliveries.  I had always been grateful for the visitors, flowers, etc.; but I had never really expected them but boy did I miss them.  It made the somber circumstance that much more somber.  One night I was driving myself to the NICU really really late, and I felt so so alone.  I really just wanted Neil with me, but we had 3 other children at home, the oldest being 6.  I remember staring at my sweet baby for what seemed like hours, I couldn't hold her, because she was intubated....only watch her.  When I got home, I decided I needed some help. I asked someone to come sit with my children just for a bit, so Neil and I could go see our baby together.  That time together gave me the strength I needed to continue on until she came home.  Her time there was short, and there were so many other babies who had been and would be there for months; but it was one of the most alone times I had felt in my entire life.  Realizing that I didn't need to do it all and could ask someone for help broke that stigma for me.  There are still times when I feel like a burden or too whiny or needy, so I keep a lot to myself; but usually God will have other plans and tell me reach out....it will bless someone to help you, and you will be blessed by their help.  As usual, He's spot on!

Too Blessed To Be Stressed

"Too Blessed To Be Stressed".... I use to say this sometimes and think it too.  I think I even had a t-shirt with that written on it.  I've sort of lost that train of thought over the last few years, because there's been a lot of stress; but also because of the misconception of the word "blessed".  Something came in my inbox today with that as the title, and I almost didn't read it; because I realized I had not been as faithful in believing it.  I pondered it for a bit and wondered why I wasn't as faithful in believing it, so I read it to see if it would give me some insight.  I'll be honest in saying that I didn't expect a lot of answers, but I got some in this poem:

I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed.
I refuse to be discouraged, to be sad or to cry.
I refuse to be downhearted and here's the reason why:
I have a God who is almighty; who is sovereign and supreme.
I have a God who loves me - and I am on His team.
He is all wise and powerful; Jesus is His name.
Though everything else is changeable, My God remains the same.
I refuse to be beaten or defeated.
My eyes are on my God.
He has promised to be with me, as through this life I trod.
I am looking past my circumstances, to heaven's throne above.
My prayers have reached the heart of God, and I am resting in His love.
I give thanks to Him in everything.
My eyes are on His face.
The battle is His; the victory is mine; He will help me win the race.
I repeat!
I'm too blessed to be stressed!"

(Author unknown)

I read that poem over a few times, and although I thought it was a little cheesy at first; the more I read it the more I related to it....the more I remembered. I am "Too Blessed To Be Stressed", but I've lost site of that recently. Most of the stress in my life is the stress of others....some close to me, some not close to me, some I don't even know personally....the world is a hard place right now.  When I see that they are having a hard time facing discouragement, sadness and feeling downhearted; I have a hard time on their behalf.  This is not their fault, but it's mine.  And really it's not mine, it's just part of being an empath and being in the world.  Over the last few weeks, I've thought a lot about being in the world but not of the world.  One of my daughters has shared some things with me that have opened my eyes a lot and reminded me to keep fighting to not be "of the world".  Young people have a lot to deal with....I remember this.  Older people do too....I also know this.  But one thing I think is very different from young to older is lack of years.  When you're younger, you seem to live your life in the now; and it's hard to see a future.  I remember this well from when I was a teen and young adult....thinking that that moment was it, because I didn't know anything else.  As I've gotten older, I've seen that there are a lot of moments to come....not all are good, but a lot of them are.  I believe living in the present is how life is designed to be, but I also believe once you've got some hard and some easy under your belt; it might be less challenging to know that there may be something good ahead.  God didn't create us to live in fear or sadness or discouragement or be downhearted.  He created us to live for Him, and in clinging to Him we are blessed.  It took me a lot of years to realize this and to act upon it, and I obviously don't get it right all the time.  But I'm thankful for cheesy poems, teenagers and other reminders to nudge me to remember exactly why I am "Too Blessed To Be Stressed".  So keep your eyes on His face and remember the battle is His, the victory is yours...He will help you win the race!

Waiting

Waiting....I think this is one of the hardest things for me....right now.  It's not always hard, but right now; it is.  I think it's hard, because of what I'm waiting for.  I want things a certain way, because I think that's the best thing; but....it's not my decision.  Actually it doesn't really even involve me directly, but instead one of my kids; and her decisions.  I trust that God will work things out the way they're suppose to be, but then I find myself doubting.  Will He?  What is the way things are suppose to be?  Does my kid really understand how important this decision is?  Is she going to wake up one day and say...."Mom, why didn't you tell me what to do?" Then I remember that the only option I have is to wait and trust and pray for peace.  Even though I doubt my kid knows what she's doing, I know God does; so I will wait and trust.

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you
    and wait expectantly.

Psalm 5:3


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6