CELEBRATING SUPERMAN

 Yesterday was Superman's Birthday.  He's not usually big on birthdays, but he was a little more into it than usual.  Birthdays are my favorite thing ever, because celebrating another year of life is a gift.  The kids got him gifts, a cake, balloons and ice cream.  The girls wrote him Happy Birthday posts on social media, and of course I did too.  I'll admit that sometimes I envy him, because he is obviously their favorite. But I'm also really really grateful they treasure their dad as much as they do, because he is one to be treasured.  

No Words

 I love words, and I've had many lately.  But for this time in life, they have been just for me; so I have not shared publicly.  

For years, I have included a Christmas letter with our Christmas card.  For a few years, Addi wrote it and did a wonderful job.  When I sat down to write the letter this year, I had decided to try to share positives from 2020; because 2020 has been A LOT!!!!  As I started writing some of the positive things that have come out of this weird, sad, crazy, scary year; I quickly decided to abort the letter writing.  For everything I was going to write, that I saw as a positive, I knew there would be many that might be affected in a negative way.  My first positive was the extra family time we had during quarantine, but when I started to write about things we did; I immediately thought of those who have suffered loss of family through isolation, separation and death.  So my letter writing was abandoned.  

I have been able to write Christmas letters in some of my hardest and saddest times, because I am very intentional on gratitude and finding things to be grateful for. I'm not really a glass half empty or a glass half full kinda gal, but more of a "Why didn't someone put this glass away?" kinda gal. 😜 But this year is different.  Writing about the good things I've seen as a result of this pandemic didn't seem appropriate at all.  It didn't feel genuine, not because it isn't....I have seen a lot of good....but because I have also seen so much of other people's pain.  Living during this pandemic hasn't been difficult for me, but it has been so much more difficult for others. The overwhelming amount of people who have suffered financially, physically, mentally, spiritually and had their hearts broken wide open is daunting and astronomical.  Sometimes no words are the appropriate response and this year is one of those times. 

Thinking Out Loud: A Blip in Time!

 So it's been a minute, since I've written a post that wasn't a birthday post.  I usually write every day.  It is my therapy, but lately I've been quiet here, in my journal, my book, everywhere except in my head and my own thoughts (and occasionally on instagram stories 😐).  There has been a lot going on....in my personal life, as well as, the world.  Obviously if you are coherent and old enough to understand (although I rarely understand, and I'm 53), you already know this.  

As for the world, it's an election year; and that's really all I need to say about that part, except that I will also add...WHAT THE HECK?  In addition to it being an election year, there have been countless tragic, life changing things going on in the world for people. I won't get into it all, because to be honest...it is a lot, and I don't think I could adequately describe what people are suffering through.  I've been trying to educate myself more and be intentional with my thoughts and approach.  I don't think I can "sum up" what others are experiencing in one post and especially without talking to people first hand and walking in their shoes.  Also I am not a confrontational person AT ALL....Hello Enneagram 2 with a 3 wing....so this has played a huge role in my silence as well.  

The one thing I can speak on is pandemic, because I think it would be reasonable to say 99% of the world's population has been affected by Covid-19 in some way or another.  When we were first quarantined back in March, Neil and I were discussing how we were sure we would probably know someone who got sick.  At the time, I thought it may be a handful of people.  Seven months later, and it has been so many more.  Some have lost their own lives, and some have lost people they love dearly to the virus....directly and indirectly.  The mental health of so many has been affected.  I've been struggling and so many others I know are as well.  One of Elli's classmates took his own life early in the school year....he was thirteen. I have cried all my tears for this boy and his family.  I cannot imagine that pain.

In my own personal world, I moved into a teaching position from a teacher's assistant position this year.  This has been so HARD!!!  The work itself is A LOT, but the hardest part is seeing so many of our students suffering due to pandemic.  Many of my students are failing.  They are not showing up for school at all.  These are good good kids who cannot do school remotely.   They are too overwhelmed,  they cannot understand it, they don't have working technology, they have to work to help their families survive, or they are at home watching younger siblings and helping them with school while their parents work.  I lay awake at night thinking about what to do for them.

I've read a few posts on instagram that I can relate to 100%.  I don't really read Facebook anymore, because 😳😡😢😲!!!  This morning I read these words that Brooke White posted.  They were written by David Brooks, "Many of our society's great problems flow from  people not feeling seen and known...this is a core trait that we all have to get better at, and that is the trait of seeing each other deeply and being deeply seen".  I feel seen about a smidgen of the time.  Granted some of this is by design, but a lot of it is my reality.  The other post I read was written by Sarah Nicole Landry, and it said this: " Do you miss it?  Life before?  I do.  I think I discover another thing I miss every day.  I know we are supposed to always find ways to be grateful and stay positive.  But for me, this is how I do that.  By acknowledging. Processing. Understanding. To say: I miss it, life before.  And I'm grateful for what we have now, too.  I think it's ok to miss it.  To say it out loud.  To be selfish with our true feelings.  Or even just to acknowledge that they're there, amidst the understanding of how lucky we are too...."  I miss it. Life before.  I want my girls to go line dancing and have movie nights and YOUTH group at church IN PERSON!!!  I want them to have homecoming, winter formal and Halloween dances.  I want them to go to college in the building, have coffee dates and dinner dates.  I want Cal to go to work, play baseball and have special olympics.  I miss concerts and restaurants and traveling.  I miss retreats, church, date nights and watching some of my people in praise band.  I miss it!!  I miss HUGS!!!  A LOT!!!!  I miss teaching students in person face to face and being able to walk around the school freely, waving and talking to teachers and kids.  But there are also things I appreciate that have come from pandemic:  cleaner everything.  Honestly, shouldn't stores have been wiping down carts and checkouts long before pandemic?  I also appreciate the flexibility remote learning offers...really you can do it from anywhere, and that's awesome too.  I appreciate the game nights and walks and baking we did during quarantine.  I really appreciated the quiet and lack of traffic in our neighborhood....that was simply grand!  But I do miss life before. 

 In the grand scheme of our lives, this time will be a blip in time.  During this blip, many many things will have occurred:  families will grow closer, exercise will increase, pets will be adopted, house improvements will soar; but also, businesses will be lost, relationships will be broken, millions of people will have died, history will be made. Some will survive the blip and come out stronger, some will survive the blip and come out barely hanging on, and some will not survive.  

This is what I've realized: It's okay to miss it....life before....and it's okay to feel gratitude and sorrow at the same time.  It's okay to feel overwhelmed and choose quiet.  It's okay to have a wide array of feelings and emotions.  It's okay to turn off the TV and avoid social media and process the way that works best for you.  It's okay to ask for help and to offer it.  The world is chaotic and sometimes feels hopeless, and we are part of it.  We do the best we can in the best way we can....sometimes that's for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days; then we take a break, but we pick ourselves up and keep going.

September 28th...The Best Day of 2003!

HAPPY SEVENTEEN SPINS AROUND THE SUN BRYNA MAE PAYNE, B-Nut, B-Max! My NICU baby who is now almost 6 feet tall (literally). The girl with the brightest eyes and brightest smile that exude joy! My singing, dancing, theatre loving girl! You are who I wish I was when I was 17, a girl who knows what she wants with a heart for Jesus who is strong in the truth! You’re my extroverted introvert, my go-getter. The one who will still hold my hand, gives me hugs and tells me she loves me every day. The one who easily forgives and forgets! You are a loyal friend who always reaches out to encourage, support and include. I adore you B. You make me better!! Seventeen years sure did go fast, and I am so blessed to have been there very speedy second!

September 3rd....the best day of 2006!!!

Happy 14th Birthday Elliot Ann Payne. I CANNOT believe I typed 14. Fourteen sounds sooo much older than 13. You are the best, most wonderful, greatest, super duper favorite surprise and answered prayer I've ever received. I love your sweet sweet face and your sweet sweet soul. I also love having a true blue mini me. You are devoted and thoughtful and all together the loveliest of humans. The tidiest of Paynes, just like her mama, who thrives on organization and order. My book loving, thrift store shopping, guitar playing, dancing, singing creative genius and the funniest person I know. My gentle girl with the voice of an angel, the cutest freckled face and best hair on the planet. The world is a much better place because you're in it, and I'm a better person because of you. You're old soul and love for all the people and all the things is one of my greatest gifts. You keep me grounded in the truth, and I adore you Ellicinderelliwithabellyfullofjelly....and those DIMPLES are the best! #alwaysmybaby #ellicinderelliwithabellyfullofjelly

EMPATHY

The last week I have been struggling. I couldn't quite put my finger on it (besides the obvious state of chaos and hurt in the world), but then I read a post about being an empath; and things became clear.  I have the gift of empathy and have my whole life.  Until a few years ago, I wasn't sure what this was and what it meant.  I thought I was one of the few (sometimes the only one) who felt people's pain the way I do but turns out there are quite a few of us.  For years I believed I was too sensitive, too insecure, too different.  Then there came the point in my life when I believed I was too selfish, too weak, too in my own head.   After the Oklahoma City Bombing, I read and listened to everything posted about it...everything.  Although I had seen and lost people to terrible acts of hate, this is the first time I thought that there was "something wrong with me"; because of the affect it had on me.  I didn't know a single person involved in that tragic event, but it affected my physical and mental well being so deeply; and I became severely depressed.  It was then that I realized that I needed to take a break from news.  I stopped reading the paper or watching the news.  I haven't started back with either.  There were a few times that I tried, but I could tell the affect it was having on my emotional, mental and physical well being; so I stopped.  I have been told that I'm selfish and not doing my part, because I don't "keep up with" what's going on in the world.  I've been told that I'm uninformed and uneducated due to this as well.  I am none of those things.  I take in what I can, and then I must take a break for my own well being, and I have learned that this is okay.  It wasn't until someone explained, what being an empath was and that I was definitely one, that I started understanding things about myself better and more accurately.  And honestly it wasn't until last week when I read a post from another empath, state it as "having the gift of empathy" that I looked at it as a possible positive something about myself.  It may be the most challenging thing that I am learning to embrace about myself, but my negative only views are changing. I read this in a devotion on Sunday which helped validate that  unmasking our true feelings is hard but also what we need to do to heal and help others heal.  It's from "Be The Bridge" and written by LaTasha Morrison:  "American culture teaches us not to sit in sadness and despair.  Pretending that everything is okay, though, requires that we mask our true feelings.  God doesn't want our masks: He wants all of us, all our emotions, even our sorrow, our despair, and our grief.  He wants to wipe every tear from our eyes.  And in that closeness, He wants to change us, change our hearts, and send us out to do His work."

When I looked up the definition of empath, this is what I found:

EMPATH:

noun

1.  a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

   
   

   I also found this:  Empaths are highly attuned to other people's moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety, which can be exhausting for them.  

   
   

  I've been in deep thought about all the parts of empathy.  Although it may be one of the most challenging parts of myself, especially when the atmosphere surrounding us is in such turmoil, fear, heartache, anger and pain; but I realized that it is also one of the most beautiful parts about myself. As well as feeling someone's sadness and pain, I experience their joy which is a gift that I am given on a very deep deep level. However when things are painful for people, I am constantly trying to reconfigure my thoughts and keep myself from spiraling downwards quickly; because I experience that on a very deep deep level as well.  My heart and my mind are in constant action when I'm sitting in someone's pain with them, and it is exhausting; and I have learned that sometimes I need to take a step or two back.  To be completely transparent and honest, I have been experiencing anxiety (I am not an anxious person) and am completely overwhelmed.  I've read some posts and comments this week which I have felt to my core and have taken very personally whether intended that way or not.  I know many people don't realize the impact and consequences words can have on others, and I didn't either for a long time.  But I learned first hand on the giving and receiving end, and I try to be very intentional before sharing.  And there are still times when someone thinks something I've written or said was directed at/to them when that was not my intention at all.  It seems we are all easily offended and bruised lately, so I haven't been writing much for fear of offending someone or hurting feelings.  But I am going to get back into it slowly and intentionally and as gently as I can sharing thoughts and messages of love that hopefully have positive affects, because I want to contribute to the light instead of the darkness.

May 28th....the best day of 1999!!!

Happy 21st Birthday Callahan Leigh Payne! My big ole' hunk of love weighing in at 9 pounds 13 ounces!! You may not remember this, but you were born on my Mamaw's 80th birthday! She was here for us to celebrate, and although we didn't get to go to the party; I remember the look of joy and excitement on her face when we realized you were coming on her day. From then on, she would say that was the best birthday and best birthday gift ever! When I thought about writing this post, because we all know that birthday posts are a tradition for me, I truly was overwhelmed with gratitude....like couldn't catch my breath and keep my composure when I think about you. I think, anyone who knows you, would understand this feeling too. I honestly cannot put into words the goodness you have brought to our family. We all sorta joke, even though we all sorta know it's true, that you're the favorite Payne; and we wouldn't have it any other way. As a baby, you were tow headed with the brightest eyes and a constant smile on your face. You didn't learn to talk until you were about 3 1/2, but you hummed songs with the biggest grin and giggle all day long. Once there was a diagnosis, we knew we had a lot of work ahead; and it wasn't going to be easy. I remember sitting in the parking lot on the phone with your dad sobbing my eyes out when they told me, you were such a little guy; and I let fear take over. But your dad, being the Superman and the man who holds nothing back, said...."Well now we know 'he's not just a brat' and what's going on, and we can get to work to help him." He really said that "brat" part, because he doesn't really mince words.  🤣 And honestly I was relieved that we had an “answer”.
There were quite a few challenges and a lot of tears when you were a little tyke. But as you worked so hard and grew so much, we all realized they were lessons and experiences on inclusion, acceptance, but mainly on not taking the little things for granted. Yes, some of the tears were out of frustration and grief; but as you've grown so many tears have been out of joy and pride. WOW...we are proud of you! You have worked so hard!
Even though we did have some challenging times, many of the struggles were due to the way other people treated you or reacted to you. It was very eye opening and truly heart breaking to see how you were treated, just because you didn't meet their expectations. On the other side of that, many of our struggles ended in great victories. Some may consider them small, but we (and all those who know you) know nothing you do is a small victory. And although we have dealt with some folks who have not always been kind, I can assure you that you have built a community of people who adore every single part of you and would not change a thing about you. They cheer you on like you were their own son. That in itself is worth every challenge, because you have taught so many people what unconditional, inclusive, victorious love looks like. We have met some of the greatest, most compassionate people in the world because of you. And You have taught so many that it is okay and actually pretty great not to be like everyone else. You have taught so many what acceptance looks like. You have taught so many that success looks different for all of us. You have taught so many about God's love, because you are the only person I know who loves others the closest to the way God loves us...no judgment, no dishonesty, just pure sweet sacrificial love. You see us through the eyes of our Savior, and I am so lucky; because I get a front row seat! I adore you my Lone Ranger! Happy 21!! You are going to have the best birthday ever...even in quarantine! Here's to being the best butterfly ever and helping others to want to give up being a caterpillar.

What Does Quarantine Look Like For You?

I was wondering what quarantine, another time of the year, would be like in Texas...missing the beginning of school & football, missing Halloween, Fall Festivals, gathering for Thanksgiving with extended family and friends, missing all the things Christmas/New Years, soccer, or missing summer camps/mission trips, spring break trips, baseball and the freedom of summer?  There's a lot that would be missed no matter what time of year this happened, and I know I probably left out things that some of you would miss.  There would be disappointment and grief for different things for different folks at different times of the year.  Everyone is affected differently and missing out on things that are  important and sometimes life changing. But right now....EVERYONE in our country, maybe the world, is affected.  I'm disappointed for things that have been canceled for my my family; but I'm more worried about those who have lost their jobs, who don't have a safe place to go, who are first responders or essential workers, those who are vulnerable or sick.  I'm sad for all of our friends, who are seniors, and may miss out on all of their "lasts".  I'm so so sad to hear about weddings and funerals that aren't able to happen, people who are separated from their families. I can't imagine the stress and pain for those who can't be with their sick and/or dying loved ones. Everyone probably will or has already lost something.  I'm all for making the most of time at home, because I like being home.  I actually prefer it.  I like being able to get things done that I've wanted to do.  I like being with my family.  I like downtime A LOT!! I even like my younger girls doing school at home.  Most of the days have been good, but I do find myself floundering, stagnant, cranky and sad from time to time.  I'm so thankful to be able to go outside....especially when it's sunny.  Although more days have been good than not, my nights have been difficult.  I've been more anxious in the last few weeks than I have been in my entire life.  I wake up feeling like something is sitting on me and cannot catch my breath, my thoughts wander off into craziness, and I've been having very vivid and sometimes terrible dreams.  I know I'm fortunate, and there are people suffering through much harder...even before this pandemic.  I have always struggled with guilt over having things better or easier or safer or healthier than so many others.  The wisest man I have ever met once told me that I should turn that guilty feeling into gratitude and then do something with what I have to offer to assist those who need it.  That advice has served me well, but what I'm struggling with now is how to help people, when I can't leave the house; because I'm a hands on helper.  I think the best things I can do to help others right now is pray, let others know I'm thinking about them and praying for them, support small business and charities, engage with people via all the amazing technology out there, and stay home. One thing I've realized is that we are truly all in this together, no matter your opinion, circumstance, good, bad or in between.  Everyone in our country and probably soon to be our entire world are feeling or will be feeling the direct effects of the same thing which is still so surreal to me.  So if you're embracing this quarantine time, trying to survive it or somewhere in the middle; we are all in this together.  There is no right, wrong, good or bad way to feel.  Your feelings may fluctuate a little or every other minute, but they are your feelings.  It's okay to be okay, and it's okay not to be okay.  Let's take care of each other and love each other and do what we are asked to do...."Love is the last thing we need to ration right now."  I read this from Brene Brown, and I though it was extremely valuable during this unprecedented and unknown time.

Quarantine Day "WHO EVEN KNOWS"

Day "who knows" of quarantine.  Some people are documenting daily, some are not.  Some are doing amazing, and some are barely getting by.  I have not been counting the days.  To be honest, it would make me anxious.  I've had a brief taste of anxiety over the last few weeks, and I'm not a fan.
If I were at school, I would have "60 days" written on my big chalkboard and would lower it accordingly as we came to the close of the school year.  But now, I don't count.  I have found myself looking forward to things we will be able to do once this is all over, but I don't count the days.  I am grieving things that won't happen, but I don't count the days. I have read many suggestions on coping with being in quarantine, and many are really good; but I don't count the days.
This time has meant different things for all of us.  For some, it has meant slowing down.  For some, it has meant increase worry.  For some, it has meant more time to do things they've been wanting to do.  For some, it has meant more work due to their jobs.   For some, it has meant no work due to losing their jobs.  For some, it has meant time enjoying family, or for some...too much time with family.  For some, it has meant forced separation from family.  For some, it has meant time to try something new.  For some, it has meant loss and sadness...devastation.  And for some, it has meant great great risk.  No matter your circumstance, you are impacted.
I've been fortunate enough to be at home with my family, the weather has been great, my husband and I both still have our jobs, we have essential needs, and we are all healthy.  Although things are good here, I find my mind constantly wandering to the "What If".  I also find myself feeling guilty, because things are good for us when so many are suffering.  I find myself feeling desperate and overwhelmed with worry for so so many people.  I've had to do things more intentionally to keep myself from spiraling downward.
I limit what I read, regarding the state of our world, to the very minimal and only to gain information.  I knock something off my huge "I've been wanting to get these things done for years" list every day.  I do something I enjoy.  I do something I may not enjoy but needs to get done.  I rest.  I read "Jesus Calling" every day.  I deep clean something daily.  I get rid of stuff. I keep a schedule, so I will get out of bed; and I'll admit that sometimes I crawl back in.  I exercise.  I go outside.  I spend time alone, and I spend time with my family.  I listen to my mind and body and when they need to retreat, I let them.  I thank God each morning that my eyes open.  I look for something funny everyday and laugh a whole lot about it and keep laughing into the next day.  I read for pleasure and for hope.  I have long conversations with God.  I bake...hence exercise.  ;) I recognize the people and things I am grateful for.  I tell them that I am grateful for them.   I embroidery and paint and write. I read my Bible, and I share God's encouraging word of hope.  I talk with my family and friends about life, struggles and memories.  I pray intentional prayers for those who are risking so much for this world, for those who are struggling, for those who are living a nightmare, for those who are grieving, for those who are experiencing trauma, for those who have experienced tragic loss.  I pray for those who are doing well, and for those who are paying it forward.
But in all of this,  I do not count the days.  I believe that is what keeps me moving forward.
And every night when I find it hard to sleep and my thoughts turn to angst, I remember this quote from Billy Graham:
"I've read the last page of The Bible, It's all going to turn our alright."

March 3rd....Best Day of 1997

Happy 23 years around the sun to my oldest child, Addison Jo Payne! The one who made me a mom. I remember calling my own mother, a few days, after you were born and telling her that now I truly understood how much she loved me. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, and people told you and me that all the time. When you were a toddler, I didn't want you to think beautiful was the only thing you were; so I would say "You're so smart and funny"! And wouldn't you know it, we were all right; because you are all 3: beautiful, smart and funny! I taught you all the things by the time you were two: alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes, how to write your name, every single animal sound there was, how to shake your tail feathers, dance a jig, and much more. You soaked it up like a little sponge and when your sisters came along, you were the one doing the teaching. I think you taught Drew, Bryna and Elliot all how to read and always made it so much fun that I don't think they even realized they were learning all the things you were teaching. You are one of the main reasons your sisters have such caring and generous hearts. It all started with you and a lemonade stand, when you were a little girl, to raise awareness for autism; because you loved your baby brother so much. It was because you gave/give so much of yourself to your siblings and how you love them to the moon and back. The relationship you all share is truly the greatest gift to me!
You're an amazing and extremely talented artist, and one of the most creative people I know. You're quiet wit is one of my favorite things in the world. You have fought some big big battles, and I'm so proud and thankful for your bravery and strength. Your faith and love for Jesus is contagious, and you are going to continue to do so much good just by letting The Lord guide your steps. He is using you well. Keep inspiring, shining, leading and loving!! Although you have been an adult for several years now, you will always be my beautiful, smart, funny baby! I adore you! You are my sunshine!! Love, Mama