So it's been a minute, since I've written a post that wasn't a birthday post. I usually write every day. It is my therapy, but lately I've been quiet here, in my journal, my book, everywhere except in my head and my own thoughts (and occasionally on instagram stories 😐). There has been a lot going on....in my personal life, as well as, the world. Obviously if you are coherent and old enough to understand (although I rarely understand, and I'm 53), you already know this.
As for the world, it's an election year; and that's really all I need to say about that part, except that I will also add...WHAT THE HECK? In addition to it being an election year, there have been countless tragic, life changing things going on in the world for people. I won't get into it all, because to be honest...it is a lot, and I don't think I could adequately describe what people are suffering through. I've been trying to educate myself more and be intentional with my thoughts and approach. I don't think I can "sum up" what others are experiencing in one post and especially without talking to people first hand and walking in their shoes. Also I am not a confrontational person AT ALL....Hello Enneagram 2 with a 3 wing....so this has played a huge role in my silence as well.
The one thing I can speak on is pandemic, because I think it would be reasonable to say 99% of the world's population has been affected by Covid-19 in some way or another. When we were first quarantined back in March, Neil and I were discussing how we were sure we would probably know someone who got sick. At the time, I thought it may be a handful of people. Seven months later, and it has been so many more. Some have lost their own lives, and some have lost people they love dearly to the virus....directly and indirectly. The mental health of so many has been affected. I've been struggling and so many others I know are as well. One of Elli's classmates took his own life early in the school year....he was thirteen. I have cried all my tears for this boy and his family. I cannot imagine that pain.
In my own personal world, I moved into a teaching position from a teacher's assistant position this year. This has been so HARD!!! The work itself is A LOT, but the hardest part is seeing so many of our students suffering due to pandemic. Many of my students are failing. They are not showing up for school at all. These are good good kids who cannot do school remotely. They are too overwhelmed, they cannot understand it, they don't have working technology, they have to work to help their families survive, or they are at home watching younger siblings and helping them with school while their parents work. I lay awake at night thinking about what to do for them.
I've read a few posts on instagram that I can relate to 100%. I don't really read Facebook anymore, because 😳😡😢😲!!! This morning I read these words that Brooke White posted. They were written by David Brooks, "Many of our society's great problems flow from people not feeling seen and known...this is a core trait that we all have to get better at, and that is the trait of seeing each other deeply and being deeply seen". I feel seen about a smidgen of the time. Granted some of this is by design, but a lot of it is my reality. The other post I read was written by Sarah Nicole Landry, and it said this: " Do you miss it? Life before? I do. I think I discover another thing I miss every day. I know we are supposed to always find ways to be grateful and stay positive. But for me, this is how I do that. By acknowledging. Processing. Understanding. To say: I miss it, life before. And I'm grateful for what we have now, too. I think it's ok to miss it. To say it out loud. To be selfish with our true feelings. Or even just to acknowledge that they're there, amidst the understanding of how lucky we are too...." I miss it. Life before. I want my girls to go line dancing and have movie nights and YOUTH group at church IN PERSON!!! I want them to have homecoming, winter formal and Halloween dances. I want them to go to college in the building, have coffee dates and dinner dates. I want Cal to go to work, play baseball and have special olympics. I miss concerts and restaurants and traveling. I miss retreats, church, date nights and watching some of my people in praise band. I miss it!! I miss HUGS!!! A LOT!!!! I miss teaching students in person face to face and being able to walk around the school freely, waving and talking to teachers and kids. But there are also things I appreciate that have come from pandemic: cleaner everything. Honestly, shouldn't stores have been wiping down carts and checkouts long before pandemic? I also appreciate the flexibility remote learning offers...really you can do it from anywhere, and that's awesome too. I appreciate the game nights and walks and baking we did during quarantine. I really appreciated the quiet and lack of traffic in our neighborhood....that was simply grand! But I do miss life before.
In the grand scheme of our lives, this time will be a blip in time. During this blip, many many things will have occurred: families will grow closer, exercise will increase, pets will be adopted, house improvements will soar; but also, businesses will be lost, relationships will be broken, millions of people will have died, history will be made. Some will survive the blip and come out stronger, some will survive the blip and come out barely hanging on, and some will not survive.
This is what I've realized: It's okay to miss it....life before....and it's okay to feel gratitude and sorrow at the same time. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and choose quiet. It's okay to have a wide array of feelings and emotions. It's okay to turn off the TV and avoid social media and process the way that works best for you. It's okay to ask for help and to offer it. The world is chaotic and sometimes feels hopeless, and we are part of it. We do the best we can in the best way we can....sometimes that's for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days; then we take a break, but we pick ourselves up and keep going.
