Quarantine Day "WHO EVEN KNOWS"

Day "who knows" of quarantine.  Some people are documenting daily, some are not.  Some are doing amazing, and some are barely getting by.  I have not been counting the days.  To be honest, it would make me anxious.  I've had a brief taste of anxiety over the last few weeks, and I'm not a fan.
If I were at school, I would have "60 days" written on my big chalkboard and would lower it accordingly as we came to the close of the school year.  But now, I don't count.  I have found myself looking forward to things we will be able to do once this is all over, but I don't count the days.  I am grieving things that won't happen, but I don't count the days. I have read many suggestions on coping with being in quarantine, and many are really good; but I don't count the days.
This time has meant different things for all of us.  For some, it has meant slowing down.  For some, it has meant increase worry.  For some, it has meant more time to do things they've been wanting to do.  For some, it has meant more work due to their jobs.   For some, it has meant no work due to losing their jobs.  For some, it has meant time enjoying family, or for some...too much time with family.  For some, it has meant forced separation from family.  For some, it has meant time to try something new.  For some, it has meant loss and sadness...devastation.  And for some, it has meant great great risk.  No matter your circumstance, you are impacted.
I've been fortunate enough to be at home with my family, the weather has been great, my husband and I both still have our jobs, we have essential needs, and we are all healthy.  Although things are good here, I find my mind constantly wandering to the "What If".  I also find myself feeling guilty, because things are good for us when so many are suffering.  I find myself feeling desperate and overwhelmed with worry for so so many people.  I've had to do things more intentionally to keep myself from spiraling downward.
I limit what I read, regarding the state of our world, to the very minimal and only to gain information.  I knock something off my huge "I've been wanting to get these things done for years" list every day.  I do something I enjoy.  I do something I may not enjoy but needs to get done.  I rest.  I read "Jesus Calling" every day.  I deep clean something daily.  I get rid of stuff. I keep a schedule, so I will get out of bed; and I'll admit that sometimes I crawl back in.  I exercise.  I go outside.  I spend time alone, and I spend time with my family.  I listen to my mind and body and when they need to retreat, I let them.  I thank God each morning that my eyes open.  I look for something funny everyday and laugh a whole lot about it and keep laughing into the next day.  I read for pleasure and for hope.  I have long conversations with God.  I bake...hence exercise.  ;) I recognize the people and things I am grateful for.  I tell them that I am grateful for them.   I embroidery and paint and write. I read my Bible, and I share God's encouraging word of hope.  I talk with my family and friends about life, struggles and memories.  I pray intentional prayers for those who are risking so much for this world, for those who are struggling, for those who are living a nightmare, for those who are grieving, for those who are experiencing trauma, for those who have experienced tragic loss.  I pray for those who are doing well, and for those who are paying it forward.
But in all of this,  I do not count the days.  I believe that is what keeps me moving forward.
And every night when I find it hard to sleep and my thoughts turn to angst, I remember this quote from Billy Graham:
"I've read the last page of The Bible, It's all going to turn our alright."

March 3rd....Best Day of 1997

Happy 23 years around the sun to my oldest child, Addison Jo Payne! The one who made me a mom. I remember calling my own mother, a few days, after you were born and telling her that now I truly understood how much she loved me. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, and people told you and me that all the time. When you were a toddler, I didn't want you to think beautiful was the only thing you were; so I would say "You're so smart and funny"! And wouldn't you know it, we were all right; because you are all 3: beautiful, smart and funny! I taught you all the things by the time you were two: alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes, how to write your name, every single animal sound there was, how to shake your tail feathers, dance a jig, and much more. You soaked it up like a little sponge and when your sisters came along, you were the one doing the teaching. I think you taught Drew, Bryna and Elliot all how to read and always made it so much fun that I don't think they even realized they were learning all the things you were teaching. You are one of the main reasons your sisters have such caring and generous hearts. It all started with you and a lemonade stand, when you were a little girl, to raise awareness for autism; because you loved your baby brother so much. It was because you gave/give so much of yourself to your siblings and how you love them to the moon and back. The relationship you all share is truly the greatest gift to me!
You're an amazing and extremely talented artist, and one of the most creative people I know. You're quiet wit is one of my favorite things in the world. You have fought some big big battles, and I'm so proud and thankful for your bravery and strength. Your faith and love for Jesus is contagious, and you are going to continue to do so much good just by letting The Lord guide your steps. He is using you well. Keep inspiring, shining, leading and loving!! Although you have been an adult for several years now, you will always be my beautiful, smart, funny baby! I adore you! You are my sunshine!! Love, Mama

SUPPER

I'm southern and proud of it.  I was born in West Texas and lived most of my life listening to my very southern parents, aunts, uncles and many other relatives.  For years, I tried diligently to masque my accent and southern drawl.  I think being an English teacher made me think I should speak everything in a very specific and "proper" way.  I oftentimes cringed when I heard or read certain grammar and spelling inaccuracies.  To some extent, I still do.  However I have lightened up and really embraced my drawl.  I don't fight it anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not still silently correcting your grammar 🤣.  My girls lovingly tease me often about my accent and certain word choices.  It's all in fun, except for one word choice which seems to drive them nuts:  SUPPER!  This word choice became intentional for me a few years ago.  I remember my mama and grandmother always using it to mean the evening meal.  DINNER was used for the afternoon meal.  For years, the word "SUPPER" would try to roll off my tongue; but I avoided it.  It just didn't seem "proper" but my views have changed.  A few weeks ago, I drove back to my roots to attend a funeral for my great uncle.  After the service, my family gathered at my second cousin's home for fellowship and an afternoon meal.  We told childhood stories, reminisced, laughed, talked about how we should get together more often and even tentatively planned our next reunion.  When the food arrived, I heard someone say; "Dinner" had arrived; and I smiled to myself thinking of my grandmother and mother and how much they would have enjoyed this time with their family.   The word, "supper", is more than just an intentional word choice to annoy my girls (although it does that too); it's a sweet reminder of from where and from whom I came.

And just for the record:

Dinner and supper are generally synonymous when referring to a meal in the evening. However, dinner can be considered by some to be a somewhat more formal word. In chiefly British English, supper can also refer to a light meal or snack that is eaten late in the evening.

What do you call the meal that you eat at the end of the day? Do you call it dinner or supper? Your answer might depend on where you grew up or how old you are. The words have shifted in meaning as dining habits have changed.

EXHALE

Ennegrams are quite a popular thing, but I haven't been that interested in learning about mine.  However a week or so ago, I needed something to read during independent reading time in my classes; so I decided to look for something online.  I wanted a book that wasn't one I felt I needed to finish right away, you know, one I couldn't put down; because it was so intriguing.  I was currently reading one like that at home and didn't want to read another one simultaneously. I'm not very good at reading 2 intriguing books with very evolved  plots and characters; I tend to get things mixed up between the two. I got online to find a book that was more factual and found one on ennegrams, so I thought I would see what it was all about. At first, I didn't think I fell anywhere on the enneagram scale.  After I finished the book, I still wasn't sure; because it was so much information. My daughter told me to take a test, so I did.  The results say I'm a 2 with a 3 wing. I looked this up and several things popped up that seem accurate for me, but this one seems to be the most accurate...especially this part:

A few weeks ago, I spent the weekend at a women's retreat hearing from a very insightful speaker about learning to exhale.  It was a retreat designed for women, who are or feel like they are, all things to all people.  She wrote a book about it appropriately titled Exhale.  We had sessions based on the book and then met in small groups to discuss each session.  It's so interesting how people are so similar yet so different.  I think most of the women, in my small group, and maybe in general feel or have felt like we are pulled in many directions aka wear many hats aka are all the things to all the people at some point.  Oftentimes it revolves around the season of life we are in and oftentimes it revolves around the type of person we are. I learned a lot about how some women view and handle some situations differently.  It's not new news, but it is interesting information.  The most important thing I realized at the retreat was about caring for your self.  Over the last few years, but especially this last year; loving yourself and self worth have been a huge topic on social media.  At first, I was kinda on board; but then I wasn't.  In all honesty, I interpreted most of the things focused on self love as self serving:  influencers trying to grow their followers, sell the products they advertise for, etc.  In other words, I didn't see most of this as genuine but more as a trend that would soon fade away, like many others.  As I talked with my small group about the thing I was taking away from the weekend, I realized that it was what the speaker said about self love:  Loving yourself is an act of worshiping our creator.  Although I desire the time and effort to invest in myself, I find myself feeling guilty or selfish thinking about making myself a priority.  I've felt guilty about something most of my life, and it wasn't until the last 5 years or so that I realized that most of what I felt guilty about was a waste of time and energy.  Many women I know sacrifice a lot of themselves for others and are not necessarily the best at carving out time for themselves.  This can lead to feelings of  exhaustion and inadequacy, as well as, feeling unappreciated or not valued.  Once I heard that loving yourself is an act of worship to the one who created you, my perspective changed.  I haven't made a complete turn around, but I've been taking baby steps in the direction of loving myself more and setting aside time to care for myself.  It takes time.  However there are a few things, out of my control, that have a negative impact on me.  Unfortunately I don't see that changing anytime in the near future, and I have to work hard to not let it drain me dry of anything but resentment.  Although I have tried to view this differently, I am seeing that it is more difficult than I anticipated. This type of environment is the most difficult to maneuver, because it not only affects your well being; but also your relationships.  It can also play a huge part in confirming thoughts that you are unimportant and unheard.  Intentionally taking the time to exhale and changing thoughts on self love can push you along in a forward direction.  For me, this is going to be integral in being content and being present in the time on earth that I have. It will be integral in reminding me that taking care of myself, mentally/physically/spiritually are valuable parts of worship. It will be an integral part of self love and really embracing how Jesus sees me. I hope you will know how Jesus sees you, and you will realize the importance of loving yourself well.  It took me 53 years to see that through a different lens, and now I think....better late than never.

February 5th.....best day of 2001!

Happy nineteen years around the sun Drew Michelle Payne!   To my brave, beautiful, vegetarian, coffee drinking, thrifting, eclectic and really cool old soul.  I love how you know your limits and can say "No" when you know you need to but also say "Yes" when you know you need to.  I love how you are a complete introvert but can also be very loud and have the loudest laugh in the house (except maybe mine).  I love how you can step outside your comfort zone for the good of others and to better our world.  I love your creativity and how passionate you are about serving and including all people.  You have made your passions other people's passions, because you have been brave enough to say "Yes".  I adore you Drewby Lou, and I am so glad you were born.

I Don't Fit In

I don't fit in....really anywhere....or at least that's how I feel about 99.9% of the time.  I know I'm loved by many and have some of the dearest friends, but still I often find myself feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.  Most of this is probably just me and my feelings and may not even be valid, but I've decided it's worth being validated.  I've been noticing that sometimes my kids don't seem to fit in to certain groups or things either, and sometimes I have found myself worried about it.  But most of the time, it's just me reading something a certain way that really isn't that way at all.  And about 99.9% of the time, it is revealed that they didn't "fit in" to a group that wasn't really a group they wanted to "fit in" with; and then I'm enlightened.  For me, I have discovered that as well.  Usually I don't fit in to a group that just isn't my tribe, it's not every group.  However sometimes it feels like it is, like I don't fit in even with my tribe.  As I've gotten older, I have started being okay with not fitting in.  I am becoming more and more confident of the person God created me to be and with that realization, I am becoming more and more okay with not fitting in. 

September 28....the best day of 2003!

Happy SWEET SIXTEEN Bryna Mae Payne. My spunky, fun, talented, beautiful girl. Almost the tallest Payne, next to Neil and maybe Cal. The girl who has always sung her way through the day....living life in a musical and making ours one too. Neil never understood musicals....he would say, "Who breaks out into song and dance randomly like that?" And then we had you, and now he totally gets it. Definitely the messiest, most unorganized Payne; but also the most carefree and one who is always up for adventure. You are hard working, dedicated and passionate about the things you love. I am so thankful for your kindness, your feistiness, your goodness. I am so thankful for your genuine love and gratitude. I am so thankful for keeping us on our toes, getting us out of the house and pushing outside our comfort zones. I am so thankful for the beauty you create with music and just by being you. I could listen to you sing all day long! I adore you B-Nut....now let's get to driving really soon, because you're also the busiest! 

September 3rd....the best day of 2006!

Happy THIRTEENTH Birthday Elliot Ann Payne! My babiest of babies. The funniest and most independent of us all. The one who dressed herself from head to toe, without help, from the time you were itty bitty. My lover of books, homemade fettuccine alfredo (only if I cook it), animals, performing, Harry Potter, friends, "Friends", all things music, making your bed, trying your best, a really good sandwich, phone cases, art, church, cheesecake, helping others and your family. You're an amazing friend and encourager. You love people well and may be the most non-judgmental person I know. Your heart is good and generous and welcoming. I love the way you are always excited to see your dad when he gets home from work, the way you are inclusive and kind, the way you keep me in line, the way you are so on top of things, the way you overcome challenges (especially when they are big ones), the way you support your friends and are genuinely happy for good things that happen for other people. I love the way you smile, take care of business, wish you were still a 2 year old, offer to help me with so much, are honest, give me a goodnight kiss every night and allow me to sing and dance to wake you up each morning (without being cranky about it), the way you make people feel. I love how hard you work to reach the goals you set, the way you love your siblings and the way you don't complain when I say "no" to R rated movies. I love your sincere and nice manners, and the way you will text me a "Thank You" when I send you a scripture each day. I love getting the "I Love You Mom, Thanks for all you do" random texts throughout the week. I love the way you love, it's inspiring and righteous; and people are blessed by your presence. I want to be more like you with each passing day. Welcome to the teen years. And I would bet when the day comes that I get on your last nerve, embarrass you, and you want to roll your eyes so hard; that you will never let me know it. I adore you my sweet Ellicinderelliwithabellyfullofjelly. Thirteen already looks good on you!

This quote has always reminded me of you, because you're a helper: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers

Don't Come Home

I've been thinking about kids, who are about to embark on life after high school, whatever that may be.  For my newly graduated senior, it consists of commuting to community college for the first year. For many, it consists of moving out of their homes for the first time ever.  For some, it consists of working while living on their own or living at home. For some, it consists of trade school while living on their own or living at home. For some, it consists of a combination of the above.  One of the teachers I worked with last year always told the students....you don't have to go to college, you don't have to go to trade school, you don't have to work; but you have to do one of the above...you have to do something...you have to have a plan.  I always appreciated that advice so much for these newly turned young adults.

All parents and families approach this scenario differently, and what I'm about to write is strictly my opinion from my heart and from my experiences.  My opinion may be very different from yours, but I believe it's worth sharing.  When my oldest, Addi, went away to school after graduating high school; I was excited for her.  I didn't experience college like that, and I thought it was going to be a fun time for her.  I was also as sad as I could possibly be, because she had lived with me for 18 years; and I knew her 4 younger siblings were going to miss her like crazy.  Things were changing.  Neil, however, was not so pumped.  He didn't want her to start off her college career with student debt, but he knew that it needed to be her decision. So we packed her up and moved her in that August.  One thing I remember is standing in her dorm, thinking how I couldn't believe this was happening, I'm leaving my baby here.  For the first couple of weeks, I stood in her room at home and cried so so hard.  I cried while cooking dinner for 6 instead of 7.  I cried driving to and from work and even on the playground at recess.  I cried in the bathroom at the grocery store.  I missed her so much.   We traded text messages every day, usually multiple times, and we even drove up for dinner once.  I thought things were going pretty well, but quickly I realized that she was not thriving.  After parent orientation, I thought things are going to be great; but they weren't.  We had the best time together at orientation, and she seemed so excited about this next phase of life.  Somehow I had missed the fact that Addi was extremely depressed.  I knew that she had been battling some "sadness", but I thought it was due to the changes and the passing of both of her grandmothers.  I remembered feeling a lot of "sadness" after I graduated, because change was coming.  However I didn't move away from home and neither did most of my friends.  We all commuted to college together, so it was kinda like an extension of high school.  We had started Addi on some medication, the spring right before graduation, to help her with the sadness she was feeling.  I assumed all was going pretty well. If someone had not called me and directly told me she was in a bad state, I might not have realized it until it was too late. 

It quickly became apparent that things were spiraling down hill very fast, and to be honest; it took me completely by surprise.  This was my really laid back, easy going, happy go lucky child.  The one who was always pretty good with new things and let things roll off her back.  She is quiet but never seemed to have problems meeting people and settling into something new.  But soon I saw that she was becoming a different person.  She was irrational, easily irritated and seemed to tune us completely out.  And looking in her eyes, there was nothing....nothing was there.  She was empty.  I remember vividly, like it happened 5 minutes ago, getting on my knees in the middle of my living room and pleading to God.  Truth be told,  it may have been the one and only time that I completely surrendered when I said; "GOD, take this from me and your will be done.  Please give me the strength to survive it."  Neil and I decided we needed to seek some help, so I took her to her doctor who suggested admitting her to a hospital for severe depression.  Again in a matter of a few weeks, things spiraled downward so fast; and I was in a state of disbelief.  Since Addi was 18, it ultimately had to be her decision; and I give all praise to God for nudging her to agree.  I don't know if her time there was extremely beneficial for her, but I know the intense therapy that came afterwards was.  I remember her telling me that she didn't have much to share in her hospital group, because she didn't really know why she was so depressed.  Most everyone else there had had some traumatic experience or something happen that caused his/her depression.  Addi just really didn't know why.  I think that was eye opening for her but also frustrating, because there wasn't something to "fix".  While she was in the hospital, it was discovered that not only was she severely depressed; but she also had hypothryroidism and that the medication she was on for "sadness" was in fact making things even worse.  We switched her medication, started her on thyroid meds and she did 3 weeks of out patient therapy.  She ended up finishing her year away at school and planned to go back the following fall.  That summer I told her she needed to find something to get involved in, something she enjoyed, when she went back to school.  Her response was, "I just don't love it"; and after some thought, she decided to stay home and commute to school.  It wasn't easy for her seeing people "loving" their college experience and "having the best times of their lives" living away from home.  But social media can be very deceiving.  I had spoken to many parents who shared that their kids were not "loving" it or "having the best times of their lives", so I tried to explain this to her.  Eventually I think she realized it on her own, but she also realized that not everybody experiences the college life we see on instagram. It doesn't have to be that way to be good. She has grown so much from that time.  She is not cured from depression, and it still seeps in; but she is pretty good at managing it.  It has also been so beneficial that the stigma related to mental health has changed drastically over the last few years.  More people see it for what it is....an illness, sometimes lifelong.  It needs to be addressed openly, honestly and lovingly.  People need to know they're not alone.  When I was in the deepest pit of my life, I was ashamed and never asked for help.  It was by the grace of God that I survived that time (that's a whole other post though). Sharing her story and being willing to talk openly about it has helped others as well, and now I see her living life centered around Jesus.  That is the good that has come from this, and I know her story has helped many others.

That first year, I remember parents telling me they told their kids they couldn't come home; even if they were struggling.  They wanted them to have time to adjust.  I totally get that, but I also want to encourage you to make sure your kids are in a place they can adjust and more importantly survive.  It may take them a bit to thrive, and it may not.  They may jump in with 2 feet and be "loving" it and "having the best times of their lives" from the start, and they may not.  Just listen and follow your instincts, and if someone tells you something isn't right, take it seriously.  I did not realize my kid was not in a place to survive until it was nearly too late.
I'm also not a mom who says, "Don't come home."  I'm the mom who says, "Sure you can come home and bring all the people with you." I'm not a mom who is good at pretending to be upbeat and strong. I'm the mom that cries when they leave or I leave them and doesn't even wait until she gets in the car.  I'm the mom who is so excited for this next phase in life for them but doesn't feel the need to rush it.  I'm the mom that encourages them to ask for help whether it be from me or someone else. But I'm also the mom that reminds them that it is the ending of something; but without endings, there would be no beginnings.  And beginnings can lead to new adventures and new experiences.  It doesn't mean you forget the "old", it means you embrace the "new".
You can read Addi's story, told by her, here. 

DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT

I had many many God moments last week on my first ever high school mission trip with CTCYM.  I have had them rotating through my very tired brain a lot. My favorite scripture is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  Do not quench the spirit."
When I started thinking about going on mission trip a few months ago,  I knew God would make a way.  Over these last few months and especially this last week, I kept hearing God tell me DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT. When I nearly backed out at the last minute, because my boy was crying before we left; I heard Him say, "HE WILL BE FINE HERE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE HIM SO MUCH!  GO AND SHARE MY LOVE!  DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT!"  So I went, and my boy had a great week.   When I was worried about being so exhausted that I wouldn't be able to focus and be of much help, again God said; "IT'S ONE WEEK!  YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS FOR ONE WEEK! DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT!"  So I went, and the girls in my room were amazing and craved a good night's sleep as much as I did; and I had more energy than I do on a normal day.  When I thought that I might not connect with my team, God said; "GO!  TALK TO THE KIDS AND LISTEN TO THEM TOO!  GET TO KNOW THEM ON A LITTLE DEEPER LEVEL!  THERE WILL BE CONNECTION!"  So I went, and there was.  All of the students on my team (except one who just graduated) will be at Grapevine High School next year which also happens to be where I work.  We discussed how we would wave when we see each other in the hallways and got to know each other's interests and a few insecurities as well.  When I worried that the heat and my own health struggles might be too much for me, and I may let my team down; God said, "GO!  I WILL KEEP YOU STRONG!  DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT!"  So I went and it was HOT, but most of our work was under a covered porch; and my body persevered. Then Drew told me about one of her God moments from last week.  One week ago today, she had been thinking all day about how it might seem like a big "sacrifice" to work in the heat, give up a week of our summer and sleep on an air mattress; but she kept thinking about the homeless community and their circumstances (some of which are dire) and last a lot longer than a week.  She said looking at this week as an "I get to do this" rather than "I have to do this" makes you realize that it's not really a big "sacrifice" at all. We are the fortunate ones who "get to do this" and be equally or more blessed than those we serve.  It also happens to be the best week of the year for most of these youth. God showed up big in these moments.  On that particular day, while God was laying the homeless community on her heart once again, I got a message from a dear friend of ours who was able to secure a team of attorneys to help us start a 501c3 non profit for Yellow Bag Project.  We had a conference call this morning, and the steps are now in motion.  God continues to reveal Himself through people we know and those we don't.
My people, who have gone on mission trips, for many years always come back saying it's the best week of their year.  I have always wanted to experience this with them, but was always needed more at home.  I'm extremely grateful for all of you who made it possible for me to go and for all of the people who do all the planning and preparing for these trips, because now I completely understand why it is the best week of their year.  I get it!!  Praises! And on a side note, our washing machine which was currently not working well when we left, miraculously has been hanging in there and manhandling all the stinky things that 5 people bring home from a week of real bad sweating.  Bless!