May 28th....the best day of 1999!!!

Happy 21st Birthday Callahan Leigh Payne! My big ole' hunk of love weighing in at 9 pounds 13 ounces!! You may not remember this, but you were born on my Mamaw's 80th birthday! She was here for us to celebrate, and although we didn't get to go to the party; I remember the look of joy and excitement on her face when we realized you were coming on her day. From then on, she would say that was the best birthday and best birthday gift ever! When I thought about writing this post, because we all know that birthday posts are a tradition for me, I truly was overwhelmed with gratitude....like couldn't catch my breath and keep my composure when I think about you. I think, anyone who knows you, would understand this feeling too. I honestly cannot put into words the goodness you have brought to our family. We all sorta joke, even though we all sorta know it's true, that you're the favorite Payne; and we wouldn't have it any other way. As a baby, you were tow headed with the brightest eyes and a constant smile on your face. You didn't learn to talk until you were about 3 1/2, but you hummed songs with the biggest grin and giggle all day long. Once there was a diagnosis, we knew we had a lot of work ahead; and it wasn't going to be easy. I remember sitting in the parking lot on the phone with your dad sobbing my eyes out when they told me, you were such a little guy; and I let fear take over. But your dad, being the Superman and the man who holds nothing back, said...."Well now we know 'he's not just a brat' and what's going on, and we can get to work to help him." He really said that "brat" part, because he doesn't really mince words.  🤣 And honestly I was relieved that we had an “answer”.
There were quite a few challenges and a lot of tears when you were a little tyke. But as you worked so hard and grew so much, we all realized they were lessons and experiences on inclusion, acceptance, but mainly on not taking the little things for granted. Yes, some of the tears were out of frustration and grief; but as you've grown so many tears have been out of joy and pride. WOW...we are proud of you! You have worked so hard!
Even though we did have some challenging times, many of the struggles were due to the way other people treated you or reacted to you. It was very eye opening and truly heart breaking to see how you were treated, just because you didn't meet their expectations. On the other side of that, many of our struggles ended in great victories. Some may consider them small, but we (and all those who know you) know nothing you do is a small victory. And although we have dealt with some folks who have not always been kind, I can assure you that you have built a community of people who adore every single part of you and would not change a thing about you. They cheer you on like you were their own son. That in itself is worth every challenge, because you have taught so many people what unconditional, inclusive, victorious love looks like. We have met some of the greatest, most compassionate people in the world because of you. And You have taught so many that it is okay and actually pretty great not to be like everyone else. You have taught so many what acceptance looks like. You have taught so many that success looks different for all of us. You have taught so many about God's love, because you are the only person I know who loves others the closest to the way God loves us...no judgment, no dishonesty, just pure sweet sacrificial love. You see us through the eyes of our Savior, and I am so lucky; because I get a front row seat! I adore you my Lone Ranger! Happy 21!! You are going to have the best birthday ever...even in quarantine! Here's to being the best butterfly ever and helping others to want to give up being a caterpillar.

What Does Quarantine Look Like For You?

I was wondering what quarantine, another time of the year, would be like in Texas...missing the beginning of school & football, missing Halloween, Fall Festivals, gathering for Thanksgiving with extended family and friends, missing all the things Christmas/New Years, soccer, or missing summer camps/mission trips, spring break trips, baseball and the freedom of summer?  There's a lot that would be missed no matter what time of year this happened, and I know I probably left out things that some of you would miss.  There would be disappointment and grief for different things for different folks at different times of the year.  Everyone is affected differently and missing out on things that are  important and sometimes life changing. But right now....EVERYONE in our country, maybe the world, is affected.  I'm disappointed for things that have been canceled for my my family; but I'm more worried about those who have lost their jobs, who don't have a safe place to go, who are first responders or essential workers, those who are vulnerable or sick.  I'm sad for all of our friends, who are seniors, and may miss out on all of their "lasts".  I'm so so sad to hear about weddings and funerals that aren't able to happen, people who are separated from their families. I can't imagine the stress and pain for those who can't be with their sick and/or dying loved ones. Everyone probably will or has already lost something.  I'm all for making the most of time at home, because I like being home.  I actually prefer it.  I like being able to get things done that I've wanted to do.  I like being with my family.  I like downtime A LOT!! I even like my younger girls doing school at home.  Most of the days have been good, but I do find myself floundering, stagnant, cranky and sad from time to time.  I'm so thankful to be able to go outside....especially when it's sunny.  Although more days have been good than not, my nights have been difficult.  I've been more anxious in the last few weeks than I have been in my entire life.  I wake up feeling like something is sitting on me and cannot catch my breath, my thoughts wander off into craziness, and I've been having very vivid and sometimes terrible dreams.  I know I'm fortunate, and there are people suffering through much harder...even before this pandemic.  I have always struggled with guilt over having things better or easier or safer or healthier than so many others.  The wisest man I have ever met once told me that I should turn that guilty feeling into gratitude and then do something with what I have to offer to assist those who need it.  That advice has served me well, but what I'm struggling with now is how to help people, when I can't leave the house; because I'm a hands on helper.  I think the best things I can do to help others right now is pray, let others know I'm thinking about them and praying for them, support small business and charities, engage with people via all the amazing technology out there, and stay home. One thing I've realized is that we are truly all in this together, no matter your opinion, circumstance, good, bad or in between.  Everyone in our country and probably soon to be our entire world are feeling or will be feeling the direct effects of the same thing which is still so surreal to me.  So if you're embracing this quarantine time, trying to survive it or somewhere in the middle; we are all in this together.  There is no right, wrong, good or bad way to feel.  Your feelings may fluctuate a little or every other minute, but they are your feelings.  It's okay to be okay, and it's okay not to be okay.  Let's take care of each other and love each other and do what we are asked to do...."Love is the last thing we need to ration right now."  I read this from Brene Brown, and I though it was extremely valuable during this unprecedented and unknown time.

Quarantine Day "WHO EVEN KNOWS"

Day "who knows" of quarantine.  Some people are documenting daily, some are not.  Some are doing amazing, and some are barely getting by.  I have not been counting the days.  To be honest, it would make me anxious.  I've had a brief taste of anxiety over the last few weeks, and I'm not a fan.
If I were at school, I would have "60 days" written on my big chalkboard and would lower it accordingly as we came to the close of the school year.  But now, I don't count.  I have found myself looking forward to things we will be able to do once this is all over, but I don't count the days.  I am grieving things that won't happen, but I don't count the days. I have read many suggestions on coping with being in quarantine, and many are really good; but I don't count the days.
This time has meant different things for all of us.  For some, it has meant slowing down.  For some, it has meant increase worry.  For some, it has meant more time to do things they've been wanting to do.  For some, it has meant more work due to their jobs.   For some, it has meant no work due to losing their jobs.  For some, it has meant time enjoying family, or for some...too much time with family.  For some, it has meant forced separation from family.  For some, it has meant time to try something new.  For some, it has meant loss and sadness...devastation.  And for some, it has meant great great risk.  No matter your circumstance, you are impacted.
I've been fortunate enough to be at home with my family, the weather has been great, my husband and I both still have our jobs, we have essential needs, and we are all healthy.  Although things are good here, I find my mind constantly wandering to the "What If".  I also find myself feeling guilty, because things are good for us when so many are suffering.  I find myself feeling desperate and overwhelmed with worry for so so many people.  I've had to do things more intentionally to keep myself from spiraling downward.
I limit what I read, regarding the state of our world, to the very minimal and only to gain information.  I knock something off my huge "I've been wanting to get these things done for years" list every day.  I do something I enjoy.  I do something I may not enjoy but needs to get done.  I rest.  I read "Jesus Calling" every day.  I deep clean something daily.  I get rid of stuff. I keep a schedule, so I will get out of bed; and I'll admit that sometimes I crawl back in.  I exercise.  I go outside.  I spend time alone, and I spend time with my family.  I listen to my mind and body and when they need to retreat, I let them.  I thank God each morning that my eyes open.  I look for something funny everyday and laugh a whole lot about it and keep laughing into the next day.  I read for pleasure and for hope.  I have long conversations with God.  I bake...hence exercise.  ;) I recognize the people and things I am grateful for.  I tell them that I am grateful for them.   I embroidery and paint and write. I read my Bible, and I share God's encouraging word of hope.  I talk with my family and friends about life, struggles and memories.  I pray intentional prayers for those who are risking so much for this world, for those who are struggling, for those who are living a nightmare, for those who are grieving, for those who are experiencing trauma, for those who have experienced tragic loss.  I pray for those who are doing well, and for those who are paying it forward.
But in all of this,  I do not count the days.  I believe that is what keeps me moving forward.
And every night when I find it hard to sleep and my thoughts turn to angst, I remember this quote from Billy Graham:
"I've read the last page of The Bible, It's all going to turn our alright."

March 3rd....Best Day of 1997

Happy 23 years around the sun to my oldest child, Addison Jo Payne! The one who made me a mom. I remember calling my own mother, a few days, after you were born and telling her that now I truly understood how much she loved me. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, and people told you and me that all the time. When you were a toddler, I didn't want you to think beautiful was the only thing you were; so I would say "You're so smart and funny"! And wouldn't you know it, we were all right; because you are all 3: beautiful, smart and funny! I taught you all the things by the time you were two: alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes, how to write your name, every single animal sound there was, how to shake your tail feathers, dance a jig, and much more. You soaked it up like a little sponge and when your sisters came along, you were the one doing the teaching. I think you taught Drew, Bryna and Elliot all how to read and always made it so much fun that I don't think they even realized they were learning all the things you were teaching. You are one of the main reasons your sisters have such caring and generous hearts. It all started with you and a lemonade stand, when you were a little girl, to raise awareness for autism; because you loved your baby brother so much. It was because you gave/give so much of yourself to your siblings and how you love them to the moon and back. The relationship you all share is truly the greatest gift to me!
You're an amazing and extremely talented artist, and one of the most creative people I know. You're quiet wit is one of my favorite things in the world. You have fought some big big battles, and I'm so proud and thankful for your bravery and strength. Your faith and love for Jesus is contagious, and you are going to continue to do so much good just by letting The Lord guide your steps. He is using you well. Keep inspiring, shining, leading and loving!! Although you have been an adult for several years now, you will always be my beautiful, smart, funny baby! I adore you! You are my sunshine!! Love, Mama

SUPPER

I'm southern and proud of it.  I was born in West Texas and lived most of my life listening to my very southern parents, aunts, uncles and many other relatives.  For years, I tried diligently to masque my accent and southern drawl.  I think being an English teacher made me think I should speak everything in a very specific and "proper" way.  I oftentimes cringed when I heard or read certain grammar and spelling inaccuracies.  To some extent, I still do.  However I have lightened up and really embraced my drawl.  I don't fight it anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not still silently correcting your grammar 🤣.  My girls lovingly tease me often about my accent and certain word choices.  It's all in fun, except for one word choice which seems to drive them nuts:  SUPPER!  This word choice became intentional for me a few years ago.  I remember my mama and grandmother always using it to mean the evening meal.  DINNER was used for the afternoon meal.  For years, the word "SUPPER" would try to roll off my tongue; but I avoided it.  It just didn't seem "proper" but my views have changed.  A few weeks ago, I drove back to my roots to attend a funeral for my great uncle.  After the service, my family gathered at my second cousin's home for fellowship and an afternoon meal.  We told childhood stories, reminisced, laughed, talked about how we should get together more often and even tentatively planned our next reunion.  When the food arrived, I heard someone say; "Dinner" had arrived; and I smiled to myself thinking of my grandmother and mother and how much they would have enjoyed this time with their family.   The word, "supper", is more than just an intentional word choice to annoy my girls (although it does that too); it's a sweet reminder of from where and from whom I came.

And just for the record:

Dinner and supper are generally synonymous when referring to a meal in the evening. However, dinner can be considered by some to be a somewhat more formal word. In chiefly British English, supper can also refer to a light meal or snack that is eaten late in the evening.

What do you call the meal that you eat at the end of the day? Do you call it dinner or supper? Your answer might depend on where you grew up or how old you are. The words have shifted in meaning as dining habits have changed.

EXHALE

Ennegrams are quite a popular thing, but I haven't been that interested in learning about mine.  However a week or so ago, I needed something to read during independent reading time in my classes; so I decided to look for something online.  I wanted a book that wasn't one I felt I needed to finish right away, you know, one I couldn't put down; because it was so intriguing.  I was currently reading one like that at home and didn't want to read another one simultaneously. I'm not very good at reading 2 intriguing books with very evolved  plots and characters; I tend to get things mixed up between the two. I got online to find a book that was more factual and found one on ennegrams, so I thought I would see what it was all about. At first, I didn't think I fell anywhere on the enneagram scale.  After I finished the book, I still wasn't sure; because it was so much information. My daughter told me to take a test, so I did.  The results say I'm a 2 with a 3 wing. I looked this up and several things popped up that seem accurate for me, but this one seems to be the most accurate...especially this part:

A few weeks ago, I spent the weekend at a women's retreat hearing from a very insightful speaker about learning to exhale.  It was a retreat designed for women, who are or feel like they are, all things to all people.  She wrote a book about it appropriately titled Exhale.  We had sessions based on the book and then met in small groups to discuss each session.  It's so interesting how people are so similar yet so different.  I think most of the women, in my small group, and maybe in general feel or have felt like we are pulled in many directions aka wear many hats aka are all the things to all the people at some point.  Oftentimes it revolves around the season of life we are in and oftentimes it revolves around the type of person we are. I learned a lot about how some women view and handle some situations differently.  It's not new news, but it is interesting information.  The most important thing I realized at the retreat was about caring for your self.  Over the last few years, but especially this last year; loving yourself and self worth have been a huge topic on social media.  At first, I was kinda on board; but then I wasn't.  In all honesty, I interpreted most of the things focused on self love as self serving:  influencers trying to grow their followers, sell the products they advertise for, etc.  In other words, I didn't see most of this as genuine but more as a trend that would soon fade away, like many others.  As I talked with my small group about the thing I was taking away from the weekend, I realized that it was what the speaker said about self love:  Loving yourself is an act of worshiping our creator.  Although I desire the time and effort to invest in myself, I find myself feeling guilty or selfish thinking about making myself a priority.  I've felt guilty about something most of my life, and it wasn't until the last 5 years or so that I realized that most of what I felt guilty about was a waste of time and energy.  Many women I know sacrifice a lot of themselves for others and are not necessarily the best at carving out time for themselves.  This can lead to feelings of  exhaustion and inadequacy, as well as, feeling unappreciated or not valued.  Once I heard that loving yourself is an act of worship to the one who created you, my perspective changed.  I haven't made a complete turn around, but I've been taking baby steps in the direction of loving myself more and setting aside time to care for myself.  It takes time.  However there are a few things, out of my control, that have a negative impact on me.  Unfortunately I don't see that changing anytime in the near future, and I have to work hard to not let it drain me dry of anything but resentment.  Although I have tried to view this differently, I am seeing that it is more difficult than I anticipated. This type of environment is the most difficult to maneuver, because it not only affects your well being; but also your relationships.  It can also play a huge part in confirming thoughts that you are unimportant and unheard.  Intentionally taking the time to exhale and changing thoughts on self love can push you along in a forward direction.  For me, this is going to be integral in being content and being present in the time on earth that I have. It will be integral in reminding me that taking care of myself, mentally/physically/spiritually are valuable parts of worship. It will be an integral part of self love and really embracing how Jesus sees me. I hope you will know how Jesus sees you, and you will realize the importance of loving yourself well.  It took me 53 years to see that through a different lens, and now I think....better late than never.

February 5th.....best day of 2001!

Happy nineteen years around the sun Drew Michelle Payne!   To my brave, beautiful, vegetarian, coffee drinking, thrifting, eclectic and really cool old soul.  I love how you know your limits and can say "No" when you know you need to but also say "Yes" when you know you need to.  I love how you are a complete introvert but can also be very loud and have the loudest laugh in the house (except maybe mine).  I love how you can step outside your comfort zone for the good of others and to better our world.  I love your creativity and how passionate you are about serving and including all people.  You have made your passions other people's passions, because you have been brave enough to say "Yes".  I adore you Drewby Lou, and I am so glad you were born.

I Don't Fit In

I don't fit in....really anywhere....or at least that's how I feel about 99.9% of the time.  I know I'm loved by many and have some of the dearest friends, but still I often find myself feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.  Most of this is probably just me and my feelings and may not even be valid, but I've decided it's worth being validated.  I've been noticing that sometimes my kids don't seem to fit in to certain groups or things either, and sometimes I have found myself worried about it.  But most of the time, it's just me reading something a certain way that really isn't that way at all.  And about 99.9% of the time, it is revealed that they didn't "fit in" to a group that wasn't really a group they wanted to "fit in" with; and then I'm enlightened.  For me, I have discovered that as well.  Usually I don't fit in to a group that just isn't my tribe, it's not every group.  However sometimes it feels like it is, like I don't fit in even with my tribe.  As I've gotten older, I have started being okay with not fitting in.  I am becoming more and more confident of the person God created me to be and with that realization, I am becoming more and more okay with not fitting in. 

September 28....the best day of 2003!

Happy SWEET SIXTEEN Bryna Mae Payne. My spunky, fun, talented, beautiful girl. Almost the tallest Payne, next to Neil and maybe Cal. The girl who has always sung her way through the day....living life in a musical and making ours one too. Neil never understood musicals....he would say, "Who breaks out into song and dance randomly like that?" And then we had you, and now he totally gets it. Definitely the messiest, most unorganized Payne; but also the most carefree and one who is always up for adventure. You are hard working, dedicated and passionate about the things you love. I am so thankful for your kindness, your feistiness, your goodness. I am so thankful for your genuine love and gratitude. I am so thankful for keeping us on our toes, getting us out of the house and pushing outside our comfort zones. I am so thankful for the beauty you create with music and just by being you. I could listen to you sing all day long! I adore you B-Nut....now let's get to driving really soon, because you're also the busiest! 

September 3rd....the best day of 2006!

Happy THIRTEENTH Birthday Elliot Ann Payne! My babiest of babies. The funniest and most independent of us all. The one who dressed herself from head to toe, without help, from the time you were itty bitty. My lover of books, homemade fettuccine alfredo (only if I cook it), animals, performing, Harry Potter, friends, "Friends", all things music, making your bed, trying your best, a really good sandwich, phone cases, art, church, cheesecake, helping others and your family. You're an amazing friend and encourager. You love people well and may be the most non-judgmental person I know. Your heart is good and generous and welcoming. I love the way you are always excited to see your dad when he gets home from work, the way you are inclusive and kind, the way you keep me in line, the way you are so on top of things, the way you overcome challenges (especially when they are big ones), the way you support your friends and are genuinely happy for good things that happen for other people. I love the way you smile, take care of business, wish you were still a 2 year old, offer to help me with so much, are honest, give me a goodnight kiss every night and allow me to sing and dance to wake you up each morning (without being cranky about it), the way you make people feel. I love how hard you work to reach the goals you set, the way you love your siblings and the way you don't complain when I say "no" to R rated movies. I love your sincere and nice manners, and the way you will text me a "Thank You" when I send you a scripture each day. I love getting the "I Love You Mom, Thanks for all you do" random texts throughout the week. I love the way you love, it's inspiring and righteous; and people are blessed by your presence. I want to be more like you with each passing day. Welcome to the teen years. And I would bet when the day comes that I get on your last nerve, embarrass you, and you want to roll your eyes so hard; that you will never let me know it. I adore you my sweet Ellicinderelliwithabellyfullofjelly. Thirteen already looks good on you!

This quote has always reminded me of you, because you're a helper: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers