CONTROL

It's local election time around here which stirs up all the things.  Local election time used to be cool, but now it's not.  In particular our school board election used to be exciting, now it's terrifying.  What was once an amicable race has turned into political chaos.  It doesn't seem to be focused on the good of the students, teachers, tax payers but focused on control. When I started teaching in a public high school 5 years ago, it was a huge eye opener. Some of the things kids deal with are harder than things I have ever dealt with in my 56 years of life.  What I wish would happen is that all of the board members would spend one full week in my school, all day for 5 days. I wish they would spend time in all levels of classes, from AP to resource.  I wish they would sit with some of my students and listen to their stories.  I wish they would know them like I do and see the repercussions from decisions being made.   I wish they would experience the sadness when they hear their struggles and the joy when they get to be part of their successes.  I wish they would see that we are diverse and come from many places, and that we don't all fit in the same few boxes.  The different points of view, backgrounds, stories of others is part of learning and growing and what makes the world beautiful.  I hope our community can embrace it instead of trying to control it.  The only thing that should be controlled is your own behavior and actions.  You cannot control other people's actions, you can only control your reactions. 

Pavlova!

 I recently went on a food adventure with one of my lifelong friends.  Kelli and I both LOVE baking shows, especially The Great British Baking Show.  She's crushing on Noel, and I'm crushing on Paul Hollywood. After last season, we decided we needed to experience the deliciousness of a Pavlova.  I had never had one, and I don't think she had either.  I contemplated, very briefly, attempting to make one but quickly decided against it; so the search was on.  We discovered a restaurant just a hop, skip and jump away and off we went.  The Aussie Grind serves an aussie style breakfast or lunch.   We planned our trip, so we could choose between the two depending on the time of day; although I'm not one to be conformed to certain types of food at certain times of the day.  Breakfast and lunch are both served all day.  It is a quaint little place, and we were greeted by the friendliest hostess who was, in fact, Australian....BONUS POINTS!  We decided to split an entree and a few desserts, including the Pavlova.  They also have many delicious beverages, including boozy ones, to choose from.  Kelli gave me full reign of the menu, so I ordered the Avo Mash for us to share.  It came with two pieces of avocado toast served on hippie loaf with cherry tomatoes, charred corn, pickled onion, danish feta, baby arugula, and beet whipped cream cheese.  We each got to choose how we wanted our egg cooked that topped it.  After the first bite, I knew that I would be visiting this place again.  Kelli and I both decided that this might have been the best avocado toast that had ever graced our taste buds.  For dessert, of course we ordered the Pav Smash which is made of smashed pavlova, fresh whipped cream, fresh berries and chocolate drizzle; and we also shared an Affogato.  Now y'all know I have a huge sweet tooth and how I feel about coffee, so this Affogato was the icing on the cake or pavlova!  .  I have thought about that meal several times, because the food was amazing, but also because of the conversations shared with one of my dearest friends.  Kelli told me that one of her goals for 2023 was to say "yes", and that is one of mine as well.  Apparently I'm middle aged now, who knew, and I am going to enjoy as much of what's left of my life as I possibly can.   I plan to do things I've been wanting to do for my whole life as well as things I enjoy doing regularly.  I'm going to France this summer, getting the good concert tickets, wearing what I want, caring for my mind and body.  With that being said, I am saying "no" to some things as well...overcommitting to things I don't want to do, relationships that need to end, a cluttered space and a cluttered mind.  The more I've thought about our conversations that day, the more I've realized that it has been a very very long time since I have chosen me, for the pure sake of choosing me.  The time is now, because some of the truest words ever spoken are "We aren't promised tomorrow".

THREE YEARS!

 Three years ago this week, the world started to shut down.  I am still in complete awe thinking about the entire world being affected so immensely by the same thing.  There are so many places I will never visit and have not even heard of which were affected.  Throughout history, many people in different parts of the world are affected by similar or the same things while others are not affected at all.  This was a time when we were all affected by the same thing.  It sill baffles my mind.  I've thought a lot about the pandemic over the last few months as I reflect on things that changed as a result, both positive and negative. 

I have thought more lately about the positive changes that came from that time, and I sometimes wonder why it took a pandemic for us to think of these things.  These are a few things that have been a positive in my opinion: 

1.  Required appointments at the DMV.

2. All the curbside pick ups and deliveries at all the stores, including liquor, which I don't utilize but still a good idea.  Get your margaritas and drink at home instead of driving after.

3.  Webex/Zoom/etc. meetings.  While I believe some meetings are necessary in person, I think having the ability to meet over Webex/Zoom/etc. have made things much more convenient for so many.

4.  Worshipping online.  This wasn't necessarily an idea born out of the pandemic, but I feel like it encouraged and introduced many people to worship online.  For me, who would have never done this prior, I have found many different worship experiences that I can listen to, watch, participate in online.  My church experience had become quite stagnant and unfulfilling which I know is partly my frame of mind.  During the pandemic, I not only visited different churches that were open in person, but I also began to listen to many.  It has definitely refreshed my worship experience. 

5. Exercising at home.  This has always been hard for me as I am not the most motivated when it comes to exercise.  Getting started is the hardest part for me.  Once I get started, I start to feel better which in turn provides motivation.  Another thing that has motivated me in the exercise department is money.  If I'm paying for something, I tend to stick with it.  However when everything was closed, I had to get creative.  My exercise at home ebbs and flows, but I have found many great free programs on YouTube and other places to use.

6.  Online tutorials and lessons.  This has been exceptionally grand for my daughter who has a private tutor.  Instead of using 45 minutes to an hour just for drive time, in addition to the hour tutorial, she now has her tutorial sessions in her bedroom and can refer back to the whiteboard notes her tutor uses for several weeks.  This was the same for music lessons, although not ideal for her, they were able to continue.

7. Another thing that has been huge for me is online therapy sessions.  I meet with a psychiatrist once a month for about 5 minutes, so she can check in on the sleep medication she prescribed.  I don't have to drive somewhere for a 5 minute check in.  I have also found a therapist, who I love, but she lives in the Panhandle.  If it weren't for the pandemic, I would have never met her.  She is the best and has been just what I needed.

For the most part, I do think interacting with people in person is always the best; but there are times when that can't happen or when it makes more sense (out of convenience) to meet online.  

To Resolution or Not to Resolution!

 Happy 2023!!!  Here's to a new year!! Here's to you!  Here's to me! I don't do resolutions, but instead I do "things to look forward to trying to do".  My whole family does this practice as a tradition. In other words, it's by force....sort of 😂!  I can't remember where I heard this suggestion, but I adopted it for my family and love it.  Every year at the beginning of the new year, we each write personal "things to look forward to trying to do" or wishes or dreams or whatever you wanna call them on a small piece of paper and put it in our Christmas stockings without sharing it with anyone else.  On Christmas of that same year, so nearly a full year later, we open them up and read them aloud to each other.  So in reality, any of us could make them into resolutions if they choose.  Mine are not resolutions.  I gave up resolutions years ago, because I discovered that my resolutions were bringing me down instead of lifting me up. They were not set in joy but set in frustration or fear.  My best friend told me that someone told her you create your vision board out of love, not out of disdain or doubt or sadness.  After thinking about this, I realized that this is what we do each year on those little pieces of paper.  We write down things we dream about doing or aspire to do.  Mine are always written with a posture of love and joy, and I hope my family's are as well.  When I read my list from last year, I was pretty happy about being able to do many of the "things I looked forward to trying to do", because they are things that I knew I would enjoy. 

 Here is my list: 

Write more!

Read More!

Learn how to make cream puffs!

Exercise regularly!

Save $!

Go on adventures!

Go on a family trip!

Live music!

So if you do resolutions, you do you, but maybe think about the posture and attitude in which you plan for 2023!!  

Do everything in love!  1 Corinthians 16:14

Choose To Be Happy

 When you are plagued by depression, sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming that it seems you will never escape it.  And if you do make your way out, you may still not feel happiness.  In fact, indifference may be as good as it gets.  Sometimes in the thick of sadness, you wonder if you've ever been happy at all.  But then you remember that you have, it just seems like another lifetime and just out of your grasp.  

Happiness is not something you can "choose" over sadness.  It is oftentimes not obtainable, no matter how good things are going for you, how good your life is, or how much you are loved.  It's not possible.  If it were possible, it seems those suffering overwhelming sadness would certainly "choose to be happy", wouldn't they?

Telling someone to "choose to be grateful" or "choose to be happy" or "choose to look at the positives" is not encouraging and absolutely not helpful to a person who is not in the mindset to do so....it is in fact discouraging and hurtful.  It can make them feel inadequate, unheard and stupid.  

When you are supporting someone with depression or many other mental health illnesses, sometimes you just listen. You may not understand their suffering, but even if you do; you just listen. By listening, they know that you are not here to minimalize their pain, dismiss their sadness, or provide quick fixes for them; but you are here and they are heard.

After listening to a group of students, who are or have been, moderately and/or severely depressed; the above is what I gleaned from their conversations.

Neil and Don and The Braves

 Last night Cal had a baseball game.  He plays for the Braves through The Miracle League which is a league designed for people of all ages and genders with special needs.  He has played for several years, and we all love it.  For the last few years, Neil has been the coach.  For the Fall season, they were planning on splitting up the Braves due to lack of enrollment which made us sad.  The majority of our team has been together from the beginning, and transitioning to a different team might have been confusing for some.   Neil had heard from a few of the OG parents that they weren't sure if their child would play if they weren't on the Braves, because they might not understand the change. At the last minute, they had some additional enrollees, so they added a few new players and kept the Braves together.  CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!  And our players were thrilled. A lot of that has to do with their teammates but much of it has to do with Neil.  When Cal started playing, he had an amazing coach and "team mom", who wasn't actually anyone's mom; but the young coaches soon to be wife.  After several seasons, they stepped down; and Neil stepped in.  Neil had been helping out for a while, so although there was an adjustment for the players; it didn't take long until they realized Neil was the new coach.  On the way home from the game last night, he was telling me a story about one of the original players, who has Downs Syndrome.  We will call him Don for privacy sake. This particular player used to get really irritated with himself if he couldn't hit the ball in a timely manner which resulted in bringing in the tee.  Over the last few years, he has learned to have a little more patience with himself and is much more successful in hitting the ball and hitting it well.  He and Neil have a really great relationship, and they kid around with each other every game.  One thing Neil does every game, that I did not know about until last night, is he tells Don that he hit the ball so hard he knocked some of the skin off.  And although Don knows Neil is a jokester,  he believes this to be completely true.  At the end of every game, Neil digs around in the tub of balls until he finds one with split skin and ripped stitching and waits for Don to ask for it (which he does).  And at the end of every game, Neil gives Don the ball and tells him that's the ball...the one you knocked the skin off of!!   As I watched Neil cutting up with Don last night and kneeling down on one knee up real close to one batter, who has severe vision problems, so he could see the ball being pitched and encouraging and cheering for his team; something dawned on me.  It was not a new realization for me, but more of an absolute confirmation; and it is this:  Neil has a gift that I and so many have been so fortunate to receive.  It is the way he accepts and loves people.  It's legit!!!  My son has taught me about the meaning of life more than anyone I know, but last night it was confirmed that I still might not have learned what I have if Neil had not been his dad; because he helps me view it through his eyes and action and heart.  How great is that!!

JIMMY

 One of my friends shared this story with me this past weekend.  It reminded me of my daughter, Bryna, who turned 19 last week.  She shares "Jimmy's superpower", and although that is quite a legacy and amazing quality to have; it can also be really really hard sometimes. 

"Jimmy’s superpower is recognizing something amazing and unique in every person. His mission is to help people see the sacredness within themselves and to help people feel loved, cared for, and special. Once he makes a new friend, he goes about introducing one friend to another to another to another. He also has a rule that if you say a negative thing about a friend, you must follow it up with three nice things. Remember that: three things."

Being the one who many count on, the one who listens, gives of themselves fully is like giving a piece of yourself every day.  Then one day you find yourself running out of pieces, because your pieces are not being replenished.  Some people are not able to help you replenish your pieces, and that's okay.  If you are one who is, just make sure to check on your "Jimmys".

CHANGES

 It's finally Fall which makes my heart sing.  Although I don't particularly like change, I love the changing of seasons.  I think that's because I'm a middle of the road kinda gal.  I don't really like extreme anything and especially not for too long.  It would suck the soul right out of me if I had to live somewhere where the weather was the exact same ALL THE TIME!  With the change in seasons, I always get the urge to clean house literally.  This year I have also done some cleaning spiritually, emotionally and physically.   After a long time of feeling stuck, I have started to pursue Jesus in a new way.  I have done some deep soul searching, and I have gotten back on track with my health (mentally and physically).  Therapy is not for the weak (actually it is), but it does make you strong.  I don't usually "unfriend" people on social media, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them mad (even if they don't really like me); but I have decided that my feelings need to come first right now.  If you don't really like me or have my back, you don't need to know my business....seems fair to me.  Someone told me once, "it's none of your business what people think of you", and although that is hard on insecurities; it is such truth.  If you're my friend and hold space for our relationship, thank you!  You mean the world to me! 

After a while of trudging along in life, I'm once again starting to enjoy it.

So if you're stuck in the pit or the trenches, hold tight!  Keep going!  You got this!  I love you!  You'll get there!! And all the other cheesy but truthful sayings!  

DISCONTENT

 Discontent!!  Our pastor spoke of this today in her sermon.  I have been dealing with discontentment for many many years, although probably not in the way most would think.  For many people, a feeling of discontentment comes from not being satisfied with their status or possessions as in wanting more.  For many, it comes from not being satisfied with their circumstances or situation again as in wanting more.  For me, it comes from not being satisfied with all of those things; but again maybe not in the way that most would think.   About 8 years ago, I started feeling discontent.  After clearly hearing God tell me we needed to make some changes, I did a lot of soul searching.  However when God only speaks to you, it is oftentimes difficult to convince others.  

For a good part of our lives, my family has lived paycheck to paycheck, mostly by choice but sometimes due to circumstances.  Neil and I made the decision I would go from full time work to part-time when we had a baby.  We made the decision I would stay home with our kids, the years I stayed home.  We chose to have 5 children (albeit that caboose was a surprise 😜). However we didn't choose to have a child who needed so much extra care and attention, and we didn't choose for Neil to be limited in his job options.  But even with the things we didn't choose, I wouldn't change those years for anything. We were always extremely conscientious about gifts our children received from us and from others.  From early ages, our kids didn't accept gifts for their birthdays but instead accepted donations to something that was close to their hearts.  From early ages, our kids didn't have dozens of Christmas gifts, but only 3 each just like the Wisemen laid at the feet of Jesus.  I realized that even though we were living paycheck to paycheck and very conscientious of things our kids received, we still had a lot of stuff.   

As the years have passed, and money is more plentiful; I have become more discontent with the way we live our lives, the way we spend our money, the way things own us instead of us owing them.  The expense of taking care of a house, a job that causes my husband a lot of stress and time, and a community that is becoming less and less of where I want to be has multiplied my discontentment tenfold.  Years ago when I heard God clearly tell me to make some changes, I wasn't sure what He meant; but now I know. Simplify your lives physically and mentally.  Spend more time living and less time surviving.  We are fortunate enough to have the opportunities where that is possible, so why aren't we doing it?  Why aren't we taking more walks, reading more books, sitting by the lake?  Why aren't we taking more road trips, adventures, and giving more of our time to things we believe in? 

Discontentment doesn't always come from wanting more but sometimes it comes from needing less. 

Grieving The World

 Oh hey,

It's been a minute since I've blogged, but don't you fret; I have been writing, just not publicly.  I have had many many thoughts to share, but I have not had the energy to share.  The world has beaten me down, and getting through most days has been hard.  I'm also the type of writer, who writes in the moment, so if I'm at work or driving or grocery shopping (completely using this for an example, because I don't actually grocery shop) when inspiration hits me; then I don't write it...it just stays in my thoughts...mulling over and over and doing all the overthinking.  This morning I had the strong urge to write here, so here we go....

I read something recently that said, "You may not be depressed, you may be grieving the world."  Being an empath, I felt that to my core.  I have contemplated this thought hundreds of times since I read it a few weeks ago, and I've also come to realize that grieving the world can cause depression.  Over the last few years many things have changed.  Some as the result of the pandemic, some as the result of people's choices, some as the result of day to day life.  I know that I am grieving the world. 

My family and I no longer attend church together regularly.

My best friend is in deep despair.

My community is becoming more and more intolerant, prejudice and exclusive.

My #4 moved away to college.

My precious JosieFina pup crossed the rainbow bridge.

My health is not the best.

My world and everything around me feels unsafe.

My job is very very hard.

I am afraid.

Happiness has been hard to find, but the innate joy that comes from knowing my future is still there.

Psalm 28:6-7

Praise be to the Lord,
    for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
    and with my song I praise him.