Neil and Don and The Braves

 Last night Cal had a baseball game.  He plays for the Braves through The Miracle League which is a league designed for people of all ages and genders with special needs.  He has played for several years, and we all love it.  For the last few years, Neil has been the coach.  For the Fall season, they were planning on splitting up the Braves due to lack of enrollment which made us sad.  The majority of our team has been together from the beginning, and transitioning to a different team might have been confusing for some.   Neil had heard from a few of the OG parents that they weren't sure if their child would play if they weren't on the Braves, because they might not understand the change. At the last minute, they had some additional enrollees, so they added a few new players and kept the Braves together.  CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!  And our players were thrilled. A lot of that has to do with their teammates but much of it has to do with Neil.  When Cal started playing, he had an amazing coach and "team mom", who wasn't actually anyone's mom; but the young coaches soon to be wife.  After several seasons, they stepped down; and Neil stepped in.  Neil had been helping out for a while, so although there was an adjustment for the players; it didn't take long until they realized Neil was the new coach.  On the way home from the game last night, he was telling me a story about one of the original players, who has Downs Syndrome.  We will call him Don for privacy sake. This particular player used to get really irritated with himself if he couldn't hit the ball in a timely manner which resulted in bringing in the tee.  Over the last few years, he has learned to have a little more patience with himself and is much more successful in hitting the ball and hitting it well.  He and Neil have a really great relationship, and they kid around with each other every game.  One thing Neil does every game, that I did not know about until last night, is he tells Don that he hit the ball so hard he knocked some of the skin off.  And although Don knows Neil is a jokester,  he believes this to be completely true.  At the end of every game, Neil digs around in the tub of balls until he finds one with split skin and ripped stitching and waits for Don to ask for it (which he does).  And at the end of every game, Neil gives Don the ball and tells him that's the ball...the one you knocked the skin off of!!   As I watched Neil cutting up with Don last night and kneeling down on one knee up real close to one batter, who has severe vision problems, so he could see the ball being pitched and encouraging and cheering for his team; something dawned on me.  It was not a new realization for me, but more of an absolute confirmation; and it is this:  Neil has a gift that I and so many have been so fortunate to receive.  It is the way he accepts and loves people.  It's legit!!!  My son has taught me about the meaning of life more than anyone I know, but last night it was confirmed that I still might not have learned what I have if Neil had not been his dad; because he helps me view it through his eyes and action and heart.  How great is that!!

JIMMY

 One of my friends shared this story with me this past weekend.  It reminded me of my daughter, Bryna, who turned 19 last week.  She shares "Jimmy's superpower", and although that is quite a legacy and amazing quality to have; it can also be really really hard sometimes. 

"Jimmy’s superpower is recognizing something amazing and unique in every person. His mission is to help people see the sacredness within themselves and to help people feel loved, cared for, and special. Once he makes a new friend, he goes about introducing one friend to another to another to another. He also has a rule that if you say a negative thing about a friend, you must follow it up with three nice things. Remember that: three things."

Being the one who many count on, the one who listens, gives of themselves fully is like giving a piece of yourself every day.  Then one day you find yourself running out of pieces, because your pieces are not being replenished.  Some people are not able to help you replenish your pieces, and that's okay.  If you are one who is, just make sure to check on your "Jimmys".

CHANGES

 It's finally Fall which makes my heart sing.  Although I don't particularly like change, I love the changing of seasons.  I think that's because I'm a middle of the road kinda gal.  I don't really like extreme anything and especially not for too long.  It would suck the soul right out of me if I had to live somewhere where the weather was the exact same ALL THE TIME!  With the change in seasons, I always get the urge to clean house literally.  This year I have also done some cleaning spiritually, emotionally and physically.   After a long time of feeling stuck, I have started to pursue Jesus in a new way.  I have done some deep soul searching, and I have gotten back on track with my health (mentally and physically).  Therapy is not for the weak (actually it is), but it does make you strong.  I don't usually "unfriend" people on social media, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them mad (even if they don't really like me); but I have decided that my feelings need to come first right now.  If you don't really like me or have my back, you don't need to know my business....seems fair to me.  Someone told me once, "it's none of your business what people think of you", and although that is hard on insecurities; it is such truth.  If you're my friend and hold space for our relationship, thank you!  You mean the world to me! 

After a while of trudging along in life, I'm once again starting to enjoy it.

So if you're stuck in the pit or the trenches, hold tight!  Keep going!  You got this!  I love you!  You'll get there!! And all the other cheesy but truthful sayings!  

DISCONTENT

 Discontent!!  Our pastor spoke of this today in her sermon.  I have been dealing with discontentment for many many years, although probably not in the way most would think.  For many people, a feeling of discontentment comes from not being satisfied with their status or possessions as in wanting more.  For many, it comes from not being satisfied with their circumstances or situation again as in wanting more.  For me, it comes from not being satisfied with all of those things; but again maybe not in the way that most would think.   About 8 years ago, I started feeling discontent.  After clearly hearing God tell me we needed to make some changes, I did a lot of soul searching.  However when God only speaks to you, it is oftentimes difficult to convince others.  

For a good part of our lives, my family has lived paycheck to paycheck, mostly by choice but sometimes due to circumstances.  Neil and I made the decision I would go from full time work to part-time when we had a baby.  We made the decision I would stay home with our kids, the years I stayed home.  We chose to have 5 children (albeit that caboose was a surprise 😜). However we didn't choose to have a child who needed so much extra care and attention, and we didn't choose for Neil to be limited in his job options.  But even with the things we didn't choose, I wouldn't change those years for anything. We were always extremely conscientious about gifts our children received from us and from others.  From early ages, our kids didn't accept gifts for their birthdays but instead accepted donations to something that was close to their hearts.  From early ages, our kids didn't have dozens of Christmas gifts, but only 3 each just like the Wisemen laid at the feet of Jesus.  I realized that even though we were living paycheck to paycheck and very conscientious of things our kids received, we still had a lot of stuff.   

As the years have passed, and money is more plentiful; I have become more discontent with the way we live our lives, the way we spend our money, the way things own us instead of us owing them.  The expense of taking care of a house, a job that causes my husband a lot of stress and time, and a community that is becoming less and less of where I want to be has multiplied my discontentment tenfold.  Years ago when I heard God clearly tell me to make some changes, I wasn't sure what He meant; but now I know. Simplify your lives physically and mentally.  Spend more time living and less time surviving.  We are fortunate enough to have the opportunities where that is possible, so why aren't we doing it?  Why aren't we taking more walks, reading more books, sitting by the lake?  Why aren't we taking more road trips, adventures, and giving more of our time to things we believe in? 

Discontentment doesn't always come from wanting more but sometimes it comes from needing less. 

Grieving The World

 Oh hey,

It's been a minute since I've blogged, but don't you fret; I have been writing, just not publicly.  I have had many many thoughts to share, but I have not had the energy to share.  The world has beaten me down, and getting through most days has been hard.  I'm also the type of writer, who writes in the moment, so if I'm at work or driving or grocery shopping (completely using this for an example, because I don't actually grocery shop) when inspiration hits me; then I don't write it...it just stays in my thoughts...mulling over and over and doing all the overthinking.  This morning I had the strong urge to write here, so here we go....

I read something recently that said, "You may not be depressed, you may be grieving the world."  Being an empath, I felt that to my core.  I have contemplated this thought hundreds of times since I read it a few weeks ago, and I've also come to realize that grieving the world can cause depression.  Over the last few years many things have changed.  Some as the result of the pandemic, some as the result of people's choices, some as the result of day to day life.  I know that I am grieving the world. 

My family and I no longer attend church together regularly.

My best friend is in deep despair.

My community is becoming more and more intolerant, prejudice and exclusive.

My #4 moved away to college.

My precious JosieFina pup crossed the rainbow bridge.

My health is not the best.

My world and everything around me feels unsafe.

My job is very very hard.

I am afraid.

Happiness has been hard to find, but the innate joy that comes from knowing my future is still there.

Psalm 28:6-7

Praise be to the Lord,
    for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
    and with my song I praise him.

The Gift Of Life

 35 years ago today, I was driving from one summer job to another on 635 in my mom's Cadillac. It was raining, and the last thing I remember was a car in front of me swerving. It was a Corvette.

I woke up to someone pulling on my arm, a bright light and PAIN! When I opened my eyes, I saw a lot of glass and a lot of blood. I could faintly hear someone calling to me, and in a foggy haze; the light turned into a firefighter. The first thought that entered my mind was "THANK YOU JESUS FOR SPARING MY LIFE!" The second thought was "I hope nobody is dead".

A cement truck had plowed into the back of my mom's Cadillac pushing me into the car in front, through 3 lanes of traffic and into the median wall. There were 10 cars involved in this accident.

As I was being wheeled into the ER, my mom was there. I remember wondering how she got there so fast, but it actually took a while for me to arrive at the hospital. She was walking beside the gurney, and the first thing I said to her was "Did I kill anyone? Was it my fault? I'm so so sorry about your car." She reassured me that it was not my fault and nobody had died. I was the one with the most injuries. I had severe head trauma but was very lucid, and I remember thinking things could have turned out very different.

There were a lot of stitches....a lot....and a lot of recovery. My body has not been the same since that day. There were a lot of facial gashes and injuries, head trauma, glass removal, dislocated shoulder. My nose was sliced completely in two (I'll spare you the photos), and there is a piece above my right nostril that is still missing resulting in two different shaped nostrils.

I slept on the couch for months, so I didn’t have to get up the stairs. One night I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing my dad sitting at my feet. He was crying softly, and again I just felt so thankful that my life was spared. Things could have turned out so different.

It took almost a year before I was finished with physical therapy and surgeries, and recovery was hard; but I was so GRATEFUL!! That day changed my perspective. I don’t know if I really appreciated the gift of life until that day. I don't think God causes bad things to happen, but I think there is an opportunity to see light and glean goodness. I’ve seen this through my own loss but also other people’s loss.

I've been praying for a family for a long time with a precious little girl, named Indy Llew. She has Down Syndrome and also cancer. That little lady is a bright bright light in the world while suffering most of her little life, but you wouldn’t know it. She is pure joy! Her parents have shared her story asking for prayer but also because she is changing the world. Through her, God has worked some amazing miracles in people's hearts. Today Indy passed, and my heart has been so so sad for us all. I cannot imagine the pain her family feels. I kept thinking about how things could have turned out different for her too. I don’t know why some people survive and some don’t. What I know is that time is a gift....make the most of it. You have one life to live...mend things that need to be mended, be kind, generous, encouraging, share your gifts, laugh a lot, keep learning; and LOVE like crazy!

FREEDOM

To say this last year has been a struggle for me would be an understatment. My mental health, the mental health of many I love, overall health, work, finances, church, missing people, all of it has been hard. I've felt like a fish out of water floundering around for the last few years, not sure where I belong or fit in, but this past several months have felt like I'm gasping for air and further away from finding solid ground or a fish tank, ocean, lake, etc. I have not been sure how to move forward or how to move at all. At the beginning of 2021, by many things I read and heard, expectations were high for a more "normal" year. To be honest, that did not provide comfort for me but more anxiety. I have never dealt with anxiety like I have over the last year. Sure, I've had moments of anxiousness and some legitmiate moments of panic; but I have not dealt with this consistently until this 2021. This past Sunday was our first in person contemporary church service inside of our church in over a year. Our pastor delivered a very meaningful and impactful sermon regarding the topic of worry and anxiety. It spoke to me as I'm sure it did to many. Because The Bible tells us not to be anxious does not mean we automatically flip a switch and are feeling peaceful and calm. What this scripture does provide for many of us is hope and the truth that we are covered by the love of Jesus. A few years ago, I decided to be intentional in reaching out to people when God laid them on my heart. I've done a fairly good job of sticking with that, but there are sometimes when I thought to myself...I'm not ready. But the more I opened my heart to Him, the more I realized that it wasn't about me being ready; but instead about being obedient. In 2021, I've reached out every single time God has led me to do so. I've had many wonderful responses of gratitude from people....some who I have not been in regular or any contact with in several years. Sometimes it was hard and uncomfortable, and sometimes it was easy and felt like second nature. But it has been a blessing every single time....no matter the response....because it was something I knew I was supposed to do. Something I've learned about myself is that freedom lies in obedience,even if it is hard and uncomfortable. I don't know what this year holds, but I know that Jesus is our hope! He is steadfast, and He walks with us through everything, even if we don't feel it. 

 Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Phillipians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Matthew 6:25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?

March 3rd! The Best Day of 1997!!

This is TWENTY FOUR!!! Happy Birthday Addison Jo! I adore you!

No Power or All The Power!

 Today is Ash Wednesday.  It is also the middle of one of the worst winter storms Texas has seen.  The roads are dangerous, and millions of households are without power.  Due to these circumstances, our first in person church service since October, has been moved to virtual.  As disappointed as I am, I completely understand why.  Not only is it dangerous to drive, but we are being asked to conserve energy to help get power back to the millions who are without.  We spent 45 hours over the last 2 days with no power...not even a flicker. Because we don't have gas stove, fireplace, etc.; our house was 28 degrees inside...which was a lot warmer than outside, but it sure didn't feel like it.  We made the decision to vacate....it wasn't safe for us or our pets.  We were so blessed to have many reach out and offer assistance:  food, showers, hot drinks, groceries, generators and places to stay.  We ended up at some friends' house, who live not far from us, but never lost power.  We met them a few years ago, when Addi was nannying her twins.  So although we know her and call her friend, Neil and I don't know her that well.  We humbly and graciously accepted the invitation.  She fed us, let us shower, provided each of us a bed to sleep in; and she let us bring our dogs.  In a time such as this, it was a gift.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude especially when there are people who have lost their lives and have no place to go.

Our power came on late last night, and we headed home this afternoon.  I think she was going to open up her house to others who are doing without as soon as we left, and she made sure we knew we were welcome back to shower (we don't have hot water) or if the power went out again.  I promised we would pay it forward.  God took that promise very seriously, and on our way home; Addi received a message of a friend in need.  A pipe broke leaving her house in 6 inches of water, while she is out of town, and her husband is home alone to try to figure out how to get all of their stuff out of the house in freezing temps and 3 feet of snow.  Neil and Addi loaded up the water pump and headed over as soon as we got home.  

  Through the last 24 hours, I have been frustrated, frightened and angry.  It is 2021 in one of the richest countries in the world, but people have died due to lack of electricity and preparation by our state.  It makes no sense.  However I have also felt deep to my core gratitude and witnessed the amazing beauty of service.  God reminded me that we are not in control of much, but we can control our reactions.  So earlier as I began to share an article, that pointed out all the ways our state has let us down during this time, I felt the nudge in the direction of gentleness instead.  I do believe there needs to be some accountability for  those who have suffered loss of life and property, and I will support them.  However I don't think adding fuel to that fire will make it any better for them.  I believe my role is to encourage, love and offer assistance in the best ways I can; as well as, continuing to pray for our state and country.  It's been through a lot lately too.  So yes Jesus, I hear you when you say we are not in control, we don't always understand why you allow things to happen, but we know the ultimate power comes from you.

God At Work!

 Do you feel unseen, invaluable, insignificant? Do people always seem to make plans that don't include you?  Does it seem nobody notices when good things happen for you or bad things?  Do people turn up the music or turn on the garbage disposal when you're on a zoom call? Do your dreams seem unimportant? Do your needs go unnoticed?  Do your loved ones forget to tell you goodnight or goodbye or good morning?  Do your co-workers turn out the light at the end of the day not noticing that you are still sitting at your desk? Do people tell you their goods and bads but walk away without asking about yours? Does it seem nobody has time for you?

I've been in a time of deep reflection and self care and something I've been working on is remembering that I am a treasure to Jesus.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with the elephant of anxiety sitting fully on my chest, and I'm not sure why; but I think I'm figuring it out.   I think God is at work telling me that He sees me, and I am important.  I don't think God causes this anxiousness to happen, but He uses that time of unease to bring me to a place where I have to consciously force myself to regain peace.  Sure I've been anxious from time to time in my life, but I've never experienced it like this.  So when it happens, I get up, take some deep breaths, get a cool drink of water and remind myself that I am okay.  I am okay.  And then for the first time that I can ever remember after waking up in the middle of the night, I am able to fall soundly back to sleep.  God at work! He is good! I am a treasure!