Friday, July 8, 2016
I tried to carry on as normally as I could today, but my brain was mush. I got up, said my prayer of thanksgiving for another day, made my coffee....my head hurt and my neck hurt; so I crawled back in bed. I realized quickly that I wouldn't sleep, and I had a lot to do; so I made myself get up. As I sat in the tax office waiting my turn to get tags for one of our cars, I couldn't focus. I found myself being easily irritated by nothing really. Once I was home, I was having a difficult time. I told the kids we were going to the pool after I went to church for the prayer vigil. Even at the prayer vigil, I couldn't focus. I kept trying hard to listen to the words being spoken, but my mind was a fog. I said, "Lord hear our prayers" along with everyone else, but honestly I didn't hear the prayers. Even at the altar, my brain was mush. I found myself thanking God for His goodness, but I couldn't find the words to ask Him to help with the fear and pain. I couldn't focus. We went to the pool, and I found myself sitting there watching them swim and trying to carry on as I normally would; but the tears fell. My eyes were burning with a combination of mascara, sunscreen and tears; and so I went into the bathroom. There in the stall, I sat and talked to God. I told Him what He already knew....that my heart is heavy, that fear is seeping in, that I want to run but to where? I told Him that I didn't know what to pray for, but I was assured that He knew. The world is frightening me, and oddly enough I feel more and more like God is in control. I don't know why things seem so out of control, but I know that He is more heartbroken about the recent shootings than any of us are. I don't like the word, "hate"; and I don't allow it in our house. Cal always asks me, "Why don't we say hate?". I always answer with,"Hate is a strong word to use when we probably mean we really just don't like something." Today I thought a lot about the word "hate" as my mind tried to take in all that has happened recently, and I decided that I do hate a few things....but one thing I really hate the most is HATE! I can honestly say I've never hated a person, and I....like many others....don't understand what drives someone to act purely out of hate. That is a good thing I guess, because if we did understand that; it would be quite scary. We are all different....but we are all the same too; because we are all children of GOD...all of us, every single one. God is love! I just wish we were all love too.