Wednesday, February 18, 2015


I don't know..... that seems to be my response to so much lately.  I DO NOT KNOW!
How are you feeling?  I don't know.
What's for dinner?  I don't know.
Are we going to church?  I don't know.
Do we have weekend plans?  I don't know.
Can I go?????  I don't know.
Why did that happen?  I don't know.
Where are my shoes?  I don't know.
Are you available?  I don't know.  Really I do, and most of the time I choose not to be.
What's wrong?  I don't know.
Are you okay? I don't know.

But then....something will happen....and I mean something big, and I will know:

"If your heart is broken, you'll find GOD right there; if you're kicked in the gut He'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18

Thursday, February 5, 2015

February 5th...the best day of 2001! Drew is 14!!

Happy Birthday Drewby Lou.  My sweet, organic, hippyish, smack dab in the middle child with an old soul.  You are the most like me...a worrier, with insecurities, who is quiet and shy, but who loves HARD and full and feels others' feelings so strongly.  You are black and white with not much middle ground, but you know what you like and don't like.  When you were little you declared yourself as a tomboy who liked to wear dresses.  When I asked you what extra curricular activity you wanted to do, you would say..."I just wanna be a kid", and that made me so happy.  I love that you hug and kiss me every day and that you always thank us for taking care of your needs.  I'm so grateful that you will share yourself with me still and so proud of your non-judgmental heart.  You will be a wonderful mama someday and a wonderful wife.  I know you will do great things in this world.  You bring so much joy to  my life that I cannot put it into words.  I adore you Drewby Lou!  Thank you God for Princess Drew, thank you God!!

Happy Birthday Dad!

For the first time in a while, I have a little downtime.  I sit in my dark, quiet house and think and cry and think.
One of my lifelong friend's dad's died unexpectedly Friday morning....the same day as my mother-in-law's funeral.  As I sat in the church yesterday and listened to the Latin Mass, I thought about him....her dad.  And I thought about dad.  And I watched other friend with both of her parents there.  I smiled as I remembered things her dad would say and do when we were younger, and I thought about my dad.  I thought about the things that he did that drove me nuts, and I smiled; because I found myself thinking that those things would still drive me nuts even though I miss my dad like crazy.  I thought about how my friend told us that her dad would tuck her in at night like a papoose, so he could hug and kiss her until she laughed.  I thought about how my dad would always kiss and hug me goodbye and hello.  I thought about how she didn't get to say goodbye to her dad, because he died before she got there.  I thought about the last things I said to my dad, and the smiles on his face even though he could no longer speak.  I thought about my friend sitting with both of her parents, who are approaching their 80th birthdays; and I wondered....does she know how fortunate she is?  Of course she does, but does she really?  Today is my dad's birthday.  He would have been 72.  This year marks 10 years since he left this earth, and yes my life has carried on....all of ours have....but it has not been the same.  My kids no longer have the luxury of a living grandparent...not even one.  My grandparents were so instrumental in my life, and it makes me sad to know my children will miss out on that.  They have so much support from family and friends, and I am so thankful for that; but it will never be the same.  Happy Birthday Dad aka Papa aka Russ!  We miss you like crazy!