Saturday, May 28, 2016

May 28th.....The Best Day of 1999!!

Happy 17th Birthday Callahan Leigh Payne! I'm so grateful you were born. You have taught me about life, perspective and appreciating the little things more than anyone I know. You are the best brother in the history of ever! We have all learned about being flexible, accepting people for who they are and unconditional love through you! Your beautiful face and soul make my days soooo good! Funny how when you were little, our days together were very challenging; and now that you're approaching adulthood, our days together are easy and lovely. I love every single thing about you my precious boy. You make me a better person, you make everyone who knows you, a better person! I adore you! Thank God for Cal!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

I'll Bloom Again Later....

 I lay awake last night wondering what my passions were and why I couldn't feel them much anymore.  I thought about my family....yes still a passion, and yes I still feel passionate about them  PTL!  I thought about my limbo!  I thought about my friends....yes still a passion, and I still feel passionate about them  PTL; but I miss being with them.  I want more time with my friends.  I thought about my creative side, my house, my body, my health....those I struggle with.  Sometimes, like now, hot tears sting my eyes; because I just feel tired and unmotivated and confused about life. 
God, what are you calling me to do?  Why can't I hear you?  Then I read this this morning on Jen Hatmaker's facebook page, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I've been thinking about this quote all week.
Maybe you are like me right now, in a season of being underground. There is a place for that. There is a time to be covered up and quiet and tucked away and...gasp...not producing. Not giving the world beautiful, vibrant, visible blooms. That is not only okay, it can be incredibly healthy.
So for those of you underground right now, exhale. You'll bloom again later. Maybe now is the time to be nourished and formed and hidden away from all the watching eyes. It will make for a much brighter bloom in its time.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

It's Almost Summer.....Can I Get An Amen??

It's almost summer, and I cannot wait. I love having my kids home, and I really love the freedom summer provides.  The 2 oldest both have summer jobs, so that will be interesting; but the other 3 and I will be doing a whole lotta nothing.  Actually we will be doing something, but it will be easy and breezy....until the temps reach 110....then it will be hot and sweaty.  Nonetheless....I love summer.  In July, we are going to Colorado for a week.  One of my lifelong friend's parents gifted us their time share for a full week in Pagosa Springs.  I am the only Payne that has ever been to Colorado, and I've only been during the frigid months.  We are all quite excited about the adventure, but especially Addi.  She has been researching and googling and googling and researching all sorts of stuff to do.  She is not a fan of the HOT that is during the Texas summers, so the thought of Colorado keeps her floating on Cloud 9 whatever that means.  I have some changes coming next Fall, and although I am clueless about most of it; I am confident in the direction.  I think it's going to be great, and I am kinda giddy about it.  But....I don't want to rush through the summer to get there....I want it to last a good loooooong while.  As the school year comes to an end for us (which really it kinds ends for me after spring break), I am anxiously counting down these last few weeks until we are FREE!  I like schedules and routines and planning, but I have also been reminded that I was not particularly fond of any of those things until I became a mama...especially a mama of a boy who had to have those things for survival and peace.  Now that he has become more flexible and adaptable, I am resorting to my old ways...woot woot.  It's kinda scary, since NPayne is not in the least bit of a planner; but we will see how things go.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Two Years.....

Two years....sometimes it seems like longer and sometimes it seems like yesterday.  I can still remember every single moment of that day, every single one.  It's almost like I knew it was the last. One thing I know for sure is this....if I didn't have faith and hope, I would have lost myself in the last 2 years....drown in a sea of hopelessness.  It didn't make losing you easier, but it made me realize even more that I didn't really lose you.....I know where you are.  I will see you and daddy again.  Knowing where you are, and that you're together brings a smile to my face....every single time I think about it.  Sometimes something will happen, and it will feel like the scab has been torn off again or I've been punched in the stomach; but then I think about you dancing, walking, whole and healed.  Selfishly I wish you were both here, experiencing life with us, with your grandkids; but I know where you are is far better.  Sometimes I wonder if you cry or are sad when you see us struggle, and then I think about Jesus comforting you like nobody else ever could.  I don't know....are there tears in heaven?  
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” 
Revelation 21:4

Being with you when you breathed your last was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, but I'm so thankful I was there with you when you did.  I miss you mama!