The last week I have been struggling. I couldn't quite put my finger on it (besides the obvious state of chaos and hurt in the world), but then I read a post about being an empath; and things became clear. I have the gift of empathy and have my whole life. Until a few years ago, I wasn't sure what this was and what it meant. I thought I was one of the few (sometimes the only one) who felt people's pain the way I do but turns out there are quite a few of us. For years I believed I was too sensitive, too insecure, too different. Then there came the point in my life when I believed I was too selfish, too weak, too in my own head. After the Oklahoma City Bombing, I read and listened to everything posted about it...everything. Although I had seen and lost people to terrible acts of hate, this is the first time I thought that there was "something wrong with me"; because of the affect it had on me. I didn't know a single person involved in that tragic event, but it affected my physical and mental well being so deeply; and I became severely depressed. It was then that I realized that I needed to take a break from news. I stopped reading the paper or watching the news. I haven't started back with either. There were a few times that I tried, but I could tell the affect it was having on my emotional, mental and physical well being; so I stopped. I have been told that I'm selfish and not doing my part, because I don't "keep up with" what's going on in the world. I've been told that I'm uninformed and uneducated due to this as well. I am none of those things. I take in what I can, and then I must take a break for my own well being, and I have learned that this is okay. It wasn't until someone explained, what being an empath was and that I was definitely one, that I started understanding things about myself better and more accurately. And honestly it wasn't until last week when I read a post from another empath, state it as "having the gift of empathy" that I looked at it as a possible positive something about myself. It may be the most challenging thing that I am learning to embrace about myself, but my negative only views are changing. I read this in a devotion on Sunday which helped validate that unmasking our true feelings is hard but also what we need to do to heal and help others heal. It's from "Be The Bridge" and written by LaTasha Morrison: "American culture teaches us not to sit in sadness and despair. Pretending that everything is okay, though, requires that we mask our true feelings. God doesn't want our masks: He wants all of us, all our emotions, even our sorrow, our despair, and our grief. He wants to wipe every tear from our eyes. And in that closeness, He wants to change us, change our hearts, and send us out to do His work."
When I looked up the definition of empath, this is what I found:
EMPATH:
noun
- a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.I also found this: Empaths are highly attuned to other people's moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety, which can be exhausting for them.
I've been in deep thought about all the parts of empathy. Although it may be one of the most challenging parts of myself, especially when the atmosphere surrounding us is in such turmoil, fear, heartache, anger and pain; but I realized that it is also one of the most beautiful parts about myself. As well as feeling someone's sadness and pain, I experience their joy which is a gift that I am given on a very deep deep level. However when things are painful for people, I am constantly trying to reconfigure my thoughts and keep myself from spiraling downwards quickly; because I experience that on a very deep deep level as well. My heart and my mind are in constant action when I'm sitting in someone's pain with them, and it is exhausting; and I have learned that sometimes I need to take a step or two back. To be completely transparent and honest, I have been experiencing anxiety (I am not an anxious person) and am completely overwhelmed. I've read some posts and comments this week which I have felt to my core and have taken very personally whether intended that way or not. I know many people don't realize the impact and consequences words can have on others, and I didn't either for a long time. But I learned first hand on the giving and receiving end, and I try to be very intentional before sharing. And there are still times when someone thinks something I've written or said was directed at/to them when that was not my intention at all. It seems we are all easily offended and bruised lately, so I haven't been writing much for fear of offending someone or hurting feelings. But I am going to get back into it slowly and intentionally and as gently as I can sharing thoughts and messages of love that hopefully have positive affects, because I want to contribute to the light instead of the darkness.
