Tuesday, January 8, 2013


I have this weird problem....if you have the same problem, then I apologize for calling it weird.  Anyhoo....my problem is....I have a lot of guilt.  Guilt about all sorts of stuff and have had my whole life.  I've gotten better about dealing with it and channeling it, but I still have this weird sense of guilt about my life....because it's good.  It's not perfect, I have struggles (as you've read), there are arguments, family difficulties, my kids misbehave, I misbehave, health issues, etc.  However for the most part, my life is really good.  I have the most wonderfully, sexy, handsome, loving, doting (most of the time) husband.  I have five super-d-duper kids who adore me (most of the time), and whom I adore (all of the time)!  We have all we could ever need and then some, and most everything we could ever want.  We are basically all healthy.  I have wonderful friends, family, church family, and more.  I mean....it's a typical happy life (or so I would think).  I struggle with this so often when I see people whose lives are not good.  I don't ask God why mine is and theirs isn't, because I honestly don't feel like it's my business; but I do ask how?  How can I help?  And then I pray.  If I don't get an answer to the how, then I keep praying.  I'm a future worrier, as most of you know.  I don't worry much about the past or present, but it's the future that has me all wound up.  I can find myself getting wrapped up in the gloom and doom of things as well!  I will start worrying about something small, and it will nag at me until it's this big huge (future) issue that hasn't happened nor do I have any reason to believe it will happen; but I still find myself worrying...losing sleep.  I am working really hard....I mean really hard....on giving it to God.  You know I've heard that worry is somewhat like having little faith, and that I understand; but still....I worry.  As of late, and if I were truthful since I've had children, I've had these moments when something happens; and I find myself thinking what would I do if.....?  Oklahoma City Bombing, 911, the shootings at Columbine, Sandy Hook, my lifelong friend losing two children during childbirth, childhood cancer, missing children, accidents, etc.  I find myself thinking what would I do if.....?  Then I realize that there is absolutely NO WAY ever that I would know what I would do if, and I also know that there is absolutely NO WAY I could survive it.  I couldn't do it....I couldn't....no doubt in my mind that I COULD NOT survive it.  And then.....I thank God that I wouldn't have to, because if I was ever faced with the what would I do if.....; I know that He would carry me.  And then I pray for those who are "surviving" their circumstance with God, for those who are "surviving" without God, and for those who aren't surviving.  I will trust in you!

Have you ever heard this song?  I sing it often but lately it's been on my mind constantly.


When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

When the darkness is close at hand
And I'm running against the wind
I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.
When I'm standing upon that shore
All the battles I've gone before
I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid.

I WILL NOT BE AFRAID!  I WILL TRUST IN YOU....hands held high in your honor and glory!  I WILL TRUST!

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