Life feels heavy and hard, and I've had a headache for three weeks. I can't decide if it's due to allergies, the crazy Texas weather, too much sugar, lack of sleep or worse. I saw my doctor this week, and thankfully all my tests seemed to have improved. However he did mention a few times that I have a vascular disease and how imperative it is that I stay on my medication, so the thought of another stroke is always in the back of my mind. UGH!! I begrudgingly agreed to try another medication for arthritis pain as well. I'm not a fan of medication and have tried to avoid it as much as possible, but the pain is winning....I'm becoming defeated by it which may be another cause of the lingering headache.
I know that stress plays a large part in the headaches and even the pain. Seasons of stress come and go, and I usually let it get the best of me when there are many heavy things happening; and right now...there are.
I'm out of place where I am, and I keep trying to force myself to fit. Sometimes I can maneuver and force my piece into the puzzle but more often than not, I just cannot make myself fit. When this happens, I look around and take note. I plead with God to guide me, give me peace where I am, to be gentle with others, to keep His light shining within me; and to be in the moment. But oftentimes I fail, but especially when life feels heavy and hard. Then comes the guilt of taking things for granted, of not being as grateful as I should when there are people all over the world suffering things that I cannot even imagine. The terrible things that are happening to people all over the world. The suffering that is going on in my own neighborhood. This is a paralyzing state for me, and I feel helpless. Why is my heart so heavy when my life is good?
Last night I lay awake in the middle of the night thinking about the world...the beautiful world that God created, the beautiful people that God created, my life and choice to be a christian. Then I think about the arguing and ugliness over things I cannot grasp. I don't understand the arguing, the name calling and disrespect when there are people dying of starvation, people being sold into sex trafficking, people suffering terrible terrible loss.
In this beautiful world, where we are suppose to love each other as Jesus loved us (or at least try to); why are we acting this way? Why aren't we embracing each other? Why can't I fit my piece into the puzzle? As I lay there with my face buried in my pillow sobbing, I realized maybe not fitting in is a good thing? Maybe I need to stop trying to force myself into a society I don't often understand? Maybe it's okay that I don't fit? Maybe it's okay if I don't have the answers in my head and heart? Maybe instead of being paralyzed by not solving it all, I should do what I've always done and just do something? One thing? A few things? That's what Jesus is for...He has all the answers. He always shows me the way if I take the time to listen. And then it came....peace!