Don't Come Home

I've been thinking about kids, who are about to embark on life after high school, whatever that may be.  For my newly graduated senior, it consists of commuting to community college for the first year. For many, it consists of moving out of their homes for the first time ever.  For some, it consists of working while living on their own or living at home. For some, it consists of trade school while living on their own or living at home. For some, it consists of a combination of the above.  One of the teachers I worked with last year always told the students....you don't have to go to college, you don't have to go to trade school, you don't have to work; but you have to do one of the above...you have to do something...you have to have a plan.  I always appreciated that advice so much for these newly turned young adults.

All parents and families approach this scenario differently, and what I'm about to write is strictly my opinion from my heart and from my experiences.  My opinion may be very different from yours, but I believe it's worth sharing.  When my oldest, Addi, went away to school after graduating high school; I was excited for her.  I didn't experience college like that, and I thought it was going to be a fun time for her.  I was also as sad as I could possibly be, because she had lived with me for 18 years; and I knew her 4 younger siblings were going to miss her like crazy.  Things were changing.  Neil, however, was not so pumped.  He didn't want her to start off her college career with student debt, but he knew that it needed to be her decision. So we packed her up and moved her in that August.  One thing I remember is standing in her dorm, thinking how I couldn't believe this was happening, I'm leaving my baby here.  For the first couple of weeks, I stood in her room at home and cried so so hard.  I cried while cooking dinner for 6 instead of 7.  I cried driving to and from work and even on the playground at recess.  I cried in the bathroom at the grocery store.  I missed her so much.   We traded text messages every day, usually multiple times, and we even drove up for dinner once.  I thought things were going pretty well, but quickly I realized that she was not thriving.  After parent orientation, I thought things are going to be great; but they weren't.  We had the best time together at orientation, and she seemed so excited about this next phase of life.  Somehow I had missed the fact that Addi was extremely depressed.  I knew that she had been battling some "sadness", but I thought it was due to the changes and the passing of both of her grandmothers.  I remembered feeling a lot of "sadness" after I graduated, because change was coming.  However I didn't move away from home and neither did most of my friends.  We all commuted to college together, so it was kinda like an extension of high school.  We had started Addi on some medication, the spring right before graduation, to help her with the sadness she was feeling.  I assumed all was going pretty well. If someone had not called me and directly told me she was in a bad state, I might not have realized it until it was too late. 

It quickly became apparent that things were spiraling down hill very fast, and to be honest; it took me completely by surprise.  This was my really laid back, easy going, happy go lucky child.  The one who was always pretty good with new things and let things roll off her back.  She is quiet but never seemed to have problems meeting people and settling into something new.  But soon I saw that she was becoming a different person.  She was irrational, easily irritated and seemed to tune us completely out.  And looking in her eyes, there was nothing....nothing was there.  She was empty.  I remember vividly, like it happened 5 minutes ago, getting on my knees in the middle of my living room and pleading to God.  Truth be told,  it may have been the one and only time that I completely surrendered when I said; "GOD, take this from me and your will be done.  Please give me the strength to survive it."  Neil and I decided we needed to seek some help, so I took her to her doctor who suggested admitting her to a hospital for severe depression.  Again in a matter of a few weeks, things spiraled downward so fast; and I was in a state of disbelief.  Since Addi was 18, it ultimately had to be her decision; and I give all praise to God for nudging her to agree.  I don't know if her time there was extremely beneficial for her, but I know the intense therapy that came afterwards was.  I remember her telling me that she didn't have much to share in her hospital group, because she didn't really know why she was so depressed.  Most everyone else there had had some traumatic experience or something happen that caused his/her depression.  Addi just really didn't know why.  I think that was eye opening for her but also frustrating, because there wasn't something to "fix".  While she was in the hospital, it was discovered that not only was she severely depressed; but she also had hypothryroidism and that the medication she was on for "sadness" was in fact making things even worse.  We switched her medication, started her on thyroid meds and she did 3 weeks of out patient therapy.  She ended up finishing her year away at school and planned to go back the following fall.  That summer I told her she needed to find something to get involved in, something she enjoyed, when she went back to school.  Her response was, "I just don't love it"; and after some thought, she decided to stay home and commute to school.  It wasn't easy for her seeing people "loving" their college experience and "having the best times of their lives" living away from home.  But social media can be very deceiving.  I had spoken to many parents who shared that their kids were not "loving" it or "having the best times of their lives", so I tried to explain this to her.  Eventually I think she realized it on her own, but she also realized that not everybody experiences the college life we see on instagram. It doesn't have to be that way to be good. She has grown so much from that time.  She is not cured from depression, and it still seeps in; but she is pretty good at managing it.  It has also been so beneficial that the stigma related to mental health has changed drastically over the last few years.  More people see it for what it is....an illness, sometimes lifelong.  It needs to be addressed openly, honestly and lovingly.  People need to know they're not alone.  When I was in the deepest pit of my life, I was ashamed and never asked for help.  It was by the grace of God that I survived that time (that's a whole other post though). Sharing her story and being willing to talk openly about it has helped others as well, and now I see her living life centered around Jesus.  That is the good that has come from this, and I know her story has helped many others.

That first year, I remember parents telling me they told their kids they couldn't come home; even if they were struggling.  They wanted them to have time to adjust.  I totally get that, but I also want to encourage you to make sure your kids are in a place they can adjust and more importantly survive.  It may take them a bit to thrive, and it may not.  They may jump in with 2 feet and be "loving" it and "having the best times of their lives" from the start, and they may not.  Just listen and follow your instincts, and if someone tells you something isn't right, take it seriously.  I did not realize my kid was not in a place to survive until it was nearly too late.
I'm also not a mom who says, "Don't come home."  I'm the mom who says, "Sure you can come home and bring all the people with you." I'm not a mom who is good at pretending to be upbeat and strong. I'm the mom that cries when they leave or I leave them and doesn't even wait until she gets in the car.  I'm the mom who is so excited for this next phase in life for them but doesn't feel the need to rush it.  I'm the mom that encourages them to ask for help whether it be from me or someone else. But I'm also the mom that reminds them that it is the ending of something; but without endings, there would be no beginnings.  And beginnings can lead to new adventures and new experiences.  It doesn't mean you forget the "old", it means you embrace the "new".
You can read Addi's story, told by her, here.