A Letter To My Pastor

To My Beloved Pastor,

I've been a christian for a very long time. I have longed for Jesus in my life and a relationship with Him for a very long time, but I didn't really seek Him until I was a full grown adult with my first child. I found a shepherd in Cindy, and I never thought I would meet someone like her again....until I met you! Shortly after meeting you, I began to realize that you and she were very much alike....sort of like the male/female versions of each other. I had never had a real relationship with a pastor or church leader before meeting Cindy and now I had two. My grandmother was my spiritual mentor during my childhood and young adult life. Ken, when you came to lead our church; good....no great....things happened. One of my most vivid memories of you is when my dad was very ill and dying in the hospital. This was only a few short months after you joined our church as our Lead Pastor. I had emailed you and asked you to pray for him even before we had met face to face, and you had replied that you would be praying. I remember thinking....Wow he emailed me back, and he has absolutely no idea who I am...but for some reason, without having ever met you, I knew you would be praying. As I was driving around the hospital parking lot one day looking for a spot to park, I saw you. You were walking out of the hospital. You never saw me or even told me that you had been there, but I knew that you had been there to see my dad. My dad was not able to tell me that you were there. In fact, he may not have even been conscious while you were there; but I knew you had been there to see him. I cannot express the feeling of comfort I had knowing that you had been there praying over him. Several months after my dad died, you and I had a very long talk....one that I really needed....and I learned, in that hours time that we spent together, what I had believed about God and my faith was valid. I had been confused about many things that I had been struggling with as far as God's role in the death of my father and death in general. I couldn't believe that God would cause my dad to get sick and suffer as he did because he wanted him in heaven, although I had been led to believe such things my entire life. After that hour, I knew what I had felt in my heart was true and valid....at least for me! My dad got sick due to certain circumstances....not caused by God....and although God could have chosen to heal him; for some reason HE did not. That is the question we won't know until we get to heaven, and then I wonder if that question will really matter. Sure He wanted him in heaven. He wants us all in heaven, but I don't think God causes pain and suffering to get us there. God has changed me through you and your family. My relationship with Christ is flourishing, and I feel like that has much to do with God working through you to benefit me. I am by no means a perfect christian or do I dare claim to have any answers, but I have learned many things about myself as a christian through words you have spoken....words Kenda has spoken....words your mother and father have spoken. I have learned.

I am at a loss as to what to do now....not because I don't have the love and support of a wonderful church family and faithful and wise pastors...but because I feel like we were all just getting started with you leading us. Great things were being done with God guiding us through you, and there is so much more to be done. As the minutes turn into hours and the hours into days since your death, I am remembering things you have said and done. And although it will be difficult for us all to do without you, I know we will carry on with what needs to be done....with what God has in store for us. It will be because of your leadership that we will be able to do this and your example.

There are many things I love and respect about you....the list could go on for days, but in accordance to how I think you would have wanted me to list it....I'll keep it short and to the point. After all, I heard you say many times that there are some things that are just too "wordy" for your preference.

I love that you are a genuine and authentic man who lays it out on the table. I love that you always had time to answer even my simplest or my most complex questions. I love that you loved your family and told me once how much you loved being married. I love that you didn't have all the answers and didn't pretend you did; although I thought you sure had a lot. I love that the Sunday after our SS class expressed a wish for a children's message at 9:00 (the first time many of us had met you), you had children's message in every service when there had not been before. I love that you encouraged fellowship. I loved that when I met you, you introduced yourself as "Ken Diehm...as in REDEEM"! I love that you would wear a purple shirt, and it would make my 4 year old very happy....even though you didn't know it....because purple is her favorite color. I love that you sent my children hand written thank you notes when they would write you letters or make you things. I love what you were doing to change our world...near and far; and that our church was focused on being the hands and feet of Jesus under your leadership. I love that you didn't worry about the details but trusted God would provide, and HE always did. I love how proud you were of your own children and how your face lit up when you talked about your grandson. I love how you emailed me once to tell me something my sweet about my daughter that I would not have known otherwise. I love the simple way you transformed whatever was in "The Box" into a meaningful message to our little ones. I love that you helped the community of our church become a family once again after being a broken body for many years. I love the admiration you had for your amazing wife and amazing mother. I love that you had a bowl of candy in your office for kids who were passing by. I love that you were compassionate and supportive of all of the children, in our church, and their ideas. I love how your voice softened when you spoke of your dad and how you had the utmost respect for him. I love that you chose to "err on the side of generosity"! I love that you know the exact day that you accepted Christ into your life. I love how you always told the acolytes "Good Job!". I love how you explained the difference in being judgemental and being discerning. I love that having your children jump into the lake while you caught them one sunny day long ago was your description of Heaven On Earth. I love how you would come to lunch with us after Bible Study not one bit bothered that you were the only male among more than a dozen women. I love that the last thing I remember you saying is that the book of Revelation is about HOPE! I love how you related many passages to "falling in love". I love how you loved us. I love how strong you were.....I only wish I was that strong!

I traded emails with you just a few short hours before you went to the ER. We scheduled a meeting for Monday, Feb. 21 at 1:30 where you were, once again, going to advise me on something. As I sit and type this now, I will be completely honest when I say....I wish we were still having that meeting today. Since that is not going to happen, I will keep that meeting on my calendar to remind me of the many things you have taught me and the many things I have learned. I will keep that meeting on my calendar to remind me that there is still lots of work to be done....in the name of Our Savior. I will keep that meeting on my calendar to remind me of all God brought to my life through you. I will keep that meeting in my calendar to remind me....

What a glorious day for you! God will continue to be glorified in your death as He was by the way you led your life! As Cindy said...."You were all in!"

You will be dearly missed....until we meet again!

I will praise God in this storm! As hard as it is, I believe it to be very true.....grief is the price you pay for love....and the grief is worth the love.

Now I must go and "Look Up"!

LP

Where Are You?

I'm starting to feel Him....Jesus!

I Don't Feel Jesus!

My pastor, Ken, died tonight suddenly....unexpectedly....without warning. I am numb, in shock, heart broken, confused, angry, scared; and right now I don't feel Jesus around me. I know I will, but right now I don't. Right now I just want to punch something and wail uncontrollably. Right now I want to know what good is coming of this. Right now I want to wake up and learn that this was all a dream. Right now I want to fall apart and cry endless tears. Please pray for Ken's family and our church family! We will praise You in this storm, and God will continue to be glorified through Ken's death as He was during the way Ken led his life! Lift us up!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-19

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

¹⁹ Do not quench the Spirit.

Thank you God for blessing my life by having such a wonderful, authentic, spiritual, life changing leader as I had in Ken. God changed my life through Ken!

L-O-V-E!

I love LOVE....I really love it!

But I wonder why we take just this one day out of the year to celebrate such a wonderful expression of intimacy, honesty, adoration, affection, etc., etc. Do you think it's just so folks will take the time to actually slow down, take the time to stop and show the ones they love how much they LOVE them? I don't know. It baffles me a little, but nonetheless....I love LOVE!

Remember on this day that we celebrate LOVE and every other day what Jesus said.....

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34-35

And remember all you need is LOVE! And that's the truth! For those of you who may not always feel loved, know that Jesus adores you.....He loves you more than any human possibly could!

LIMBO

I'm in a state of limbo. Not feeling like I'm doing what I should be but not sure how to accomplish what I should be doing. Make sense? I have been feeling the need for a big change in our family's lifestyle and after a few sermons, speakers, meetings, Bible Studies, books I've read, etc., etc., etc.; I am almost ready to admit that I think God is putting this on my heart. My family, however, is not on board with this "big change"; so I'm not really sure what to do....except continue to pray and listen. Hopefully a more definitive answer will be revealed to me soon.

Pray For Kate

Please pray for Kate McRae. I have never met her or her family personally and stumbled upon their story 1 1/2 years ago. Kate has undergone all sorts of treatment for a brain tumor. Her PET scan this week was positive for cancer. Please pray for the McRaes. They have many excrutiatingly difficult decisions to make. To read more about Kate, you can go to www.prayforkate.com!

Another Princess!!!!

I always wanted another girl....who am I kidding....I always wanted another boy too!

Let's just face it.....I always wanted another babe in my house!

Since that isn't going to happen in the near future....

I would like to introduce you to the newest named Princess in

The Payne House!

Some of you have already had the pleasure of meeting her,

but if you haven't....May I introduce....

NOEL!

Drew's new kitty!

I must admit I have grown quite fond of her myself.

I mean what's not to love about having a princess in your house?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

Did you know I have the greatest group of friends in the world? Well I do!

I have lifelong friends....friends who I've known since childhood.

I have many newer adult friendships....mainly friends I've made at church, at work, or some who have taught my children.

I have long distance friends....friends who have moved away,

but I still see and keep in touch with them.

I also now have blogger friends....ladies I have never met face to face....but who have supported my blog and left invaluable comments and encouragement.

All of these people bring something special to my life.

I cannot imagine not having close friends.

When my girls were little, I use to worry that they wouldn't find those kinds of friends;

but so far so good!

As for Cal, I never really knew what kinds of friends guys have; because I wasn't a guy.

Once he was diagnosed and was not a typical little boy, I worried that he would never have friends. He has some of the best friends any person (boy or girl) could ask for.

Friends are a wonderful gem!

You know who you are!

Friends are a huge part of who I am, and I am so very thankful for each and every one of you!

One Week To Live

I've been sick the last few days, and the first day I was sick; I slept a lot! Typically when I sleep with fever, I have really odd dreams which I did; but I also had a really beautiful dream. Let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago in my Thursday morning Bible Study, the following question was posed: What would you do if you knew you only had a week to live? Now me, being the planner that I am, had all sorts of things run through my mind before I could even get to the actual answering of that question. Besides instantly knowing that whatever I did would involve my family, I had no other answer right off hand; because I was too busy thinking the following: Would I be sick? Would I feel like traveling? Should I try to squeeze in a trip to Disney Land for my kids' sakes, although I honestly have no desire to go there? Would my family know I only had one week to live? Would my one week start immediately, or would it start once I reached my destination if I chose to go somewhere? Would I die there? Would I have time to have my pastors come before I died? And the questions go on and on and on.... After contemplating those types of things briefly (ha)....I thought about my favorite place to be on a daily basis which is our home. I love being at home all snuggled up in my bed especially with a babe or two next to me, but again analyzing the question too much....I decided that I wouldn't want to die at home while my children are still so young. My dad died at home, and although I preferred it that way; I was an adult. After he died, my kids never really went into the room that they last saw him alive much. So then I decided to stop over analyzing and just spontaneously answer the question with the first thing that would pop into my head minus all the details and so I did. THE BEACH! I would spend my last week alive at the beach....maybe the first few days would include extended family and friends, and the end of the week would just be the seven of us. But once again I digress into the details of it all. The simple answer is I would go to the beach with my family. I love being at the ocean and everytime we go, I remember why. It is the most peaceful place on earth to me. All seven of us have different interests and things we like, BUT when we are at the ocean; we are all experiencing a piece of heaven on earth. Last summer, when we went to the ocean, there was one day in particular where I sat there with the wind gently blowing and the warm sun shining down while watching my children frolic around; and I thought to myself....I wonder if this is what heaven will be like? Not a worry, not a place to be, not an argument, not a deadline, no complaining, healthy, happy...really happy, loving each other, loving nature, no electronics, kids being kids, no to do lists, building sand castles, daddy burying them in the sand, being close to God! It was true bliss....one of the only times (not including the birth of my babes and marrying NPayne) that I really felt true perfect bliss. I remember thinking to myself....we will come to the ocean as often as we physically and financially can. The ocean is one place that I see my son as happy as he can be. The funny thing about that is the first few times we took him, he cried so hard; because he absolutely hated the sand...now he cries so hard when we leave. In fact this year he cried so much the day we left, that as we drove down the coast line to Louisiana to visit some family, we had to stop the car and let him get in one last time; so he would have some closure with his beloved friend the ocean. It was wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time....knowing how happy he was and that he would have to wait another 11 or 12 months to get back to that happy place. Water is necessary to survive...humans have to have water to live (not salt water obviously) but water nonetheless. Water is used in baptizing....washing away sin! Jesus gives us Living Water! Now back to my dream....In my dream, I was answering this question by writing it out....just like I am now....but I could picture it all in my head....that day at the beach last summer when I experienced true, perfect bliss....heaven on earth; and I knew that's where I would spend the last week of my life with my family....in true BLISS!

Ten years ago....the best day of 2001!

Ten Years Ago....my beautiful Drew Michelle Payne graced us with her presence. She was born on a Monday....a few days after I was released from 6 weeks of bedrest and 4 weeks early.

She was my easiest delivery and a surprise baby....we didn't know she was a girl

until she made her appearance! Her first name came from a wonderful friend, whom

I loved, who had a wonderful daughter named Drew.

Her middle name is after her cousin, and 2 of my Lifelong friends.

Her last name....well....you know where that derived from!

Even though she was 4 weeks early,

she weighed in at a very healthy 8 lbs. 13 oz.

Doctors predicted that she would

have weighed 13 lbs. if she had gone full term.

And now she's my little tiny petite Drew.

The girl that is just now wearing a size 8 and has just turned 10.

She was born on my dad's birthday....

"the best birthday gift I ever got"

he would always say!

Although she has had some physical struggles with her health,

she has dealt with them like a champ! She is overall a very

healthy, happy, sweet little girl with an old soul.

She's my granola girl....

the girl who never wants to do anything to her hair but brush it

and that's with a lot of encouragement. The girl that will try just about any type of food.

The girl that eats very healthy and will turn down dessert if she's full.

The girl that loves to read, that loves to be outside, that loves to play with her sisters, that looks after her brother, the girl who is very sentimental and empathetic. The girl who is the best friend anyone could ask for. The girl who would bring home every stray animal that we would allow her to. This is the girl who is trying to save the world. The girl who is sweet as sugar and has a temper like a firecracker....the girl who is most like me! This is the girl who has been bullied and will stand up for others who are bullied. The girl who loves JESUS! The girl who is neat and tidy and can't sleep at night if her room is a mess. This is the girl who looks fantastic dressed up but cute as a bug dressed down. This is the girl who thrives on dates with her mommy and daddy but loves being with her siblings as well. This is the girl who is very competitive....who likes to win and doesn't like to lose. The girl who has to put forth a lot of effort to be a gracious loser when competing with her family, but who loses graciously when competing against anyone but her family. This is the girl who enjoys music, crafts and is a wonderful artist and poet. This is the girl who wants to be a mommy when she grows up with a house full of kids. This is my smack dab in the middle child. This is the girl who makes my heart happy and full. This is the girl whom I adore. This is my Drewby Lou! I love you more than words can tell you! Happy Birthday Drew Boo!