WWJD

I'm a private person and do not like conflict.  For years, I avoided conflict and would walk away when there was conflict around me.  It makes me so uncomfortable.  It wasn't until about 6 years ago, that I was drug into some terrible conflicts; and I felt forced to address many things due to people being misrepresented and lied to/about.  It was an ugly time, and it impacted my life in a way I would not wish on anyone.  However I did learn a lot about myself and taught myself a lot as well.  I had a small group of people, who I sought guidance from, and what I learned from all of them was something I already knew....you can't control people's actions, you can only control your reaction.  I remember the 3 of them telling me to work hard at this, because eventually the truth comes out; and reacting negatively at the time would not only affect others but also me.  So I did.  It was difficult, but I have seen the truth slowly emerge over these last years.  I don't post things on social media that will stir things up, because I've learned that people can "read' those things however they wish and oftentimes not how they were intended.  I'm always a face to face person.
My church denomination has made a decision that I do not support, one that will impact so many people in our world and in my life.  The hurt and pain this has caused has not been wasted on me, I feel it.  My first instinct was to walk away, like I usually do.  Through the words of many people whom I love and respect, I now know that is not what God wants from me....at least not right now.  He wants me to stand firm and be an example of how to lovingly and respectfully agree to disagree and to let my voice be heard.  He wants us to bring the church together, not tear it apart.  I don't know what that looks like just yet, but I know that I cannot control other people's words or actions; I can only control mine.  I will work hard to let my voice be heard and be encouraging and honest.  I will work hard to represent the good that God will bring.  I will work hard to be like Jesus.  I will work hard to love everyone, especially those with whom I may not agree.  If ever there was a time to ask, WWJD; it is now.  Lord lead us in your ways and always remind us that YOU ARE LOVE!  YOU ARE SOVEREIGN!  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!

Matthew 22:36-40
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?
Jesus replied:  'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments.'"

Matthew 7:1-2
Judging Others
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Rewrite

A few weeks ago, my Sunday School teacher was looking for people to lead a few weeks in his absence.  We are doing a study called, "The Struggle Is Real" by Nicole Unice.  Standing up in front of kids is easy peasy for me, but adults is a different story.  I'm not fond of it, but after he sent out a plea numerous times; for some reason, I agreed to lead a lesson.  Today was that day.  This particular lesson was about a rewrite...it was about words...and you all know how much I love words.  Words are a big part of who I am.  I don't necessarily speak a lot of them, but I think a gazillion a day; and I love to read and write them.  The lesson focused on being intentional with what we tell ourselves about ourselves vs. the words Jesus tells us about ourselves.   Reading over the lesson and the scripture was so eye opening for me.  Did you know that when Jesus tells us to take the log out of our own eye before worrying about the speck in our brother's eye that He is calling us to some serious self examination?  That scripture is not all about judging others, although a good part of it is.  Jesus is calling us to get right with ourselves before speaking to others about faults.  He wants us to go to our brothers with compassion and concern, not contempt.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Luke 6:41-42

He also tells us that what we put into our mouths comes back out of our body, but what comes out of our mouth comes from our heart.

17 “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”  Matthew 15:17-19

We need to be intentional about what we tell inner selves and work on our hearts.  Part of the lesson instructed that we devise a plan on how we can tell ourselves the words Jesus would tell us.  I'll admit that I am and have always been pretty hard on myself....I've felt less than worthy about much in my lifetime.  It wasn't until recent years that I started to work on being more gentle with myself.  Yesterday while I was reading this part of the lesson, I was trying to decide how I can talk to my inner self like Jesus would.  What immediately came to my mind was children....my own and others....and how I would want my words to affect them.  Never in a million years would I ever want my children, the children I teach or the children I have any sort of relationship with to let something I said affect their self worth or inner self in a negative way.  It made me realize that that's how I need to talk to my inner self....as if I were talking to one of my children.  Be gentle, kind, encouraging and full of love.  Jesus Loves Me This I Know For The Bible Tells Me So.  But then there's this....Jesus Knows Me This I Love, and He Loves Me Anyway!  I love how God works.  I didn't really want to lead this lesson today, because it's not something I'm good at  (another lie I tell myself); because as Jesus showed me today....I can lead well if I let Him do the talking.  I'm thankful for that nudge.

God is Good All The Time!

I don't believe it when people say, "God takes the good ones first"; because if that was true...a lot of people I know would be in heaven.  I do believe that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that God doesn't intercede in the way we think He should.  I also believe that He is in control, and we don't always understand His ways but someday we will.  We may be left devastated, heartbroken and angry wondering what is going on and why is this happening.  We may even question His motives.  People will tell us things like "God takes the good ones first"  or "God wanted her in heaven", but  He wants us all in heaven eventually; doesn't He?  I know they mean well, but it's just not something I believe is true.  Yet some of us go much sooner than others, and some of those are definitely some of the best people we know.  The rest of us try to figure it out, but most of the time; we just can't.  We have to focus on the next steps, because in brutal honesty....life goes on; and we are left to navigate what that will now look like....the new "normal"....how to move on.  I believe God is good, and He wants good for us.  I don't believe God causes bad things or sickness or accidents or tragedies.  I believe He can stop them, but sometimes He doesn't.  I don't know why, and I don't pretend to know why.  I've had people tell me you can ask Him when you get to heaven, but will it even matter then?  I can't picture myself entering the gates of heaven, running towards Jesus and saying...."Oh by the way, why did you allow this thing to happen or that person to suffer or my heart to break?"  I just picture it being peace and love and wholeness and all of the doubts and hurt and pain will not be there, there will be no questions; because the answers won't be important.  In all of the hurt and brokenness, I know God brings good.  It may be something we don't even see, but someone else does; but I trust and know that He brings good out of pain. Sometimes I feel guilty for allowing myself to suffer, especially over something that happened a long time ago, but I've seen that oftentimes that's when the good comes.  When I'm in the midst of trials or grief or loneliness, I will see Him use my circumstance to lift someone else; or I will be the one lifted by someone else's circumstance.  Sometimes I just sit in the pain and don't see the good right away, and sometimes I have to rearrange things in my head; so I can clearly see what goodness came....even if it was the tiniest shred.  But I do see it, even if the pain is still there.

February 5, THE BEST DAY OF 2001!!

Happy 8teenth birthday Drewby Lou...my deep feeling, deep thinking, granola girl.  The smack dab in the middle of the 5!  You made a grand entrance one month early on your Papa's birthday 18 years ago....best birthday present he ever received.  You're the most like me, but you are also your own wonderful unique self.  I know you are much wiser than I am/was about life already...you get that part from your dad.  :)  You thoroughly enjoy concerts, Kpop, coffee and Taco Bell quesaritos and are passionate about equality, inclusion and helping people.  You do NOT thoroughly enjoy being the center of attention, doing the dishes and beating around the bush. Sometimes you are misunderstood, because of your anxiety; but you have worked really hard on stepping outside of that to make the world a better place.  I can see you letting all the best parts of yourself be used for good, and I am extremely grateful for that.  You may officially be an adult, but there's a lot of life to live ahead; and I'm glad I get to be part of it.  I adore you Drew Michelle Payne. #drewbylou #adult #8teen #servingheart

NOT YOUR PEOPLE

Your tribe, your people, your biggest supporters....I truly believe this is beneficial in being a whole human.  I know that not everyone has this gift, and I'm so thankful that I do.  I've talked with many of my tribe recently about this aspect of our relationships and how grateful I am.  I've also experienced 

people who don't clap for you but try to dishearten you, and I quickly realized those are not my people.  I've seen this in my own daughter's lives, the supportive people and those who are discouraging.  Although it is far from easy, I'm proud of the way they have been able to identify their tribe and those who "aren't their people" or "in their circle".  But I'm mostly grateful for the kindness they show, even to those, who don't show it in return.  

The Gifts My Children Share With Me!

My life is beautiful...truly sometimes I look around and cannot believe this is my reality.  The older I get and the more aware I am, the more I see this as truth.  It's not perfect, and I oftentimes feel discontentment. But when I get out of my own selfishness, I see this beautiful life I have.  On days when things are particularly difficult due to an array of different things, I can lose myself in those things that occupy my thoughts.  However when I am losing myself in those thoughts; I know I need to be intentional and deliberate and focused...then I will see the beauty again. I am a person who needs to be intentional about caring for my mind, body and soul; otherwise, I can get lost in the negatives.  I believe God brought Neil into my life for a multitude of reasons, but the biggest may have been to teach me to see the good and be grateful.  My ailing body and mind, along with, personal hurt and loss that have come in these past several months have taken a toll.  The busyness of working a lot, the chaos of our living conditions, the lack of downtime, the anger and hate from others, the lack of time with my soul sisters have taken a toll.  One thing I've known for a very long time is what I need to care for myself, but sometimes I forget to actually do it.  I have recently seen a few of my girls forgetting to do this as well, and then I realized that maybe a few of them don't really know how to do it.  One of my girls is really good at knowing what she needs when she becomes overwhelmed.  One has not been, but I think she is starting to figure this out.  She and I took the morning off and spent some time talking about many things.  I told her what I do to care for my mind, body and soul; and she gleaned a lot from that conversation.  I always thought this daughter and I were very different, but in reality; I think we are very similar in many ways.  I'm seeing that my girls are learning, much earlier than I did, what they need to do to care for themselves.  I didn't learn this and see the value in this until I was well into my adult years.  It is something that is completely necessary to do.  I am grateful that they are realizing this now.  They are so much better at dealing with emotions and self care and realizing what they need than I am.  They are so much better at releasing anger and forgiving others than I am.  They are much better at moving forward than I am.  I am full of wisdom and life experiences, but sometimes I see that they are wiser than I am.  This, my friends, is a true gift....to be able to learn so much from the example your children set for you and to see them walking a straight path when there are so many curves and bumps.  Parenting is the hardest, bestest, saddest, happiest thing in the world.

FEAR

FEAR!  This is my most irrational emotion.  Actually, it may be the most irrational emotion for every living thing.  I completely freak out when I feel fear.  Sometimes things happen that push me towards the beginning feelings of fear, but then I am able to talk myself into more rational thinking.  This isn't something I take lightly or is easy at all.  It has taken me years to be able to do this, and it involves deep breathing, a place to purposefully clear my mind and open up my thoughts to deep thinking about the situation.  It always involves talking to God.  Sometimes fear hits me so fast and furiously that I react before I realize that I am reacting out of fear, and it's usually completely irrationally.  I've worked very hard on myself and been intentional about how to keep this from happening but I am only human.  These last few days I've felt a little fear creeping in, because this world can be a scary place.  One of my mentors and favorite people has talked about memorizing scripture to recall in times of need, praise, desperation, joy, etc.  So I searched my daily devotion on the topic of fear.  This is the one I found, that resonated within me the most.  I memorized Isaiah 41:10 a long time ago and recite it often. 

DO NOT BE AFRAID, for I am with you. Hear Me saying, “Peace, be still,” to your restless heart. No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you. Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart until you overflow with Joy. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear!

The media relentlessly proclaim bad news: for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A steady diet of their fare will sicken you. Instead of focusing on fickle, ever-changing news broadcasts, tune in to the living Word—the One who is always the same. Let Scripture saturate your mind and heart, and you will walk steadily along the path of Life. Even though you don’t know what will happen tomorrow, you can be absolutely sure of your ultimate destination. I hold you by your right hand, and afterward I will take you into Glory.

Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.
—Mark 4:39 nkjv

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
—Deuteronomy 31:6

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
—Psalm 46:2

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
—Psalm 73:23–24

RECONCILIATION

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion

/ˌrekənˌsilēˈāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the restoration of friendly relations.

   
   

   "his reconciliation with your uncle"

   
   

   synonyms:

   reuniting, reunion, bringing (back) together (again), conciliation, reconcilement; More
2. 2.

   the action of making one view or belief compatible with another.

   
   

   "he aims to bring about a reconciliation between art and technology"

Endings are hard, but they often lead to new beginnings.  Sometimes "new beginnings" mean a literal new start to something:  a new job, a new marriage, a new place to live, etc.  Sometimes "new beginnings" mean a new beginning to something that once was:  a mended relationship, a new outlook on something, basically a do-over or restoration.  Either way involves change, and as most of us know; change can be challenging.  But change can also bring growth and new experiences.  I like the idea of change for some things, but for others; I dig my heels in deep.  However RECONCILIATION....I love!  If you have the opportunity for a healthy reconciliation, I say TAKE IT and see what God brings from it.  Here's to starting the year off by growing and learning and forgiving and new beginnings!!

That Thing

On anger & the precious real estate of our hearts:

Confession: I’ve let anger consume a room of my heart for too long. And yesterday at church—on Epiphany Sunday, when we talk about light & humility & wonder—it became clear that I don’t have room any more for anger: I want every last inch of my heart available for love, for freedom, for light. 
I know better than to believe that we can snap our fingers & release long-held, deep-rooted anger all at once, so I’m committing to this work: every morning I’ll remind the anger that it has been evicted from my heart, no longer welcome. It’s been occupying real estate that I dearly need for courage & passion & kindness. 
There is no longer any room in my heart to kindle the bonfire of anger. It’s not that I’m so good & selfless & want to set free the people at whom I’m angry (although I wish that was true about me): it’s that I want my own heart to be free for love, free for wholeness, free for abundant life. 
Here’s to the work of reclaiming our own hearts: they’re made to be the territory of love, and we poison our own lives when we allow them to be occupied by anything less. ❤️ (And if you have any wisdom or lived experience about this kind of heart work—daily forgiveness, the eviction of anger, the ongoing transformation toward love & only love—please share it. We’re all learners.)

By Shauna Niequist

I read this last night and before I even got past the first sentence, I knew it was something I needed to hear.  Finding that "thing" that consumes too much room in your heart for too long.  That "thing" that keeps your heart from being open for love, freedom and light.  Finding that "thing" and being brave enough, strong enough, disciplined enough to let it go...so so hard but also so so vital in being what God has called us to be.  Although my heart has held anger, sometimes too long, that's not that "thing" that occupies the valuable real estate of my heart.  I can think of many other things that have lived there too long, but most of them have moved on.  Of course then another seems to take up residence.  I have been thinking about this year and things I want to do better to make life better and other people's lives better. And I realized that "thing" that has been occupying valuable real estate in my heart is my own self doubt. I have found myself thinking, "Am I good enough about just about every aspect of my life?  Am I a good enough friend?  Am I a good enough Christian?  Am I a good enough wife?  Am I a good enough servant?  Am I a good enough parent?"  Over the last few years, that self doubt has occupied a large piece of my mind and heart; and I've wondered if I was good enough way too much.  So this year, I'm going to remind myself every morning that I am doing the best I can. And when I fail (which I will), I'm not going to be so hard on myself.  And when I feel self doubt creeping in (which I will), I'm going to remind myself that I am a daughter of the MOST HOLY.  And when I feel invisible (which I will), I'm going to remind myself that I am seen by My Savior.  As Shauna said, I know better than to believe I can snap my fingers & release these feelings; but it's a work God has set on my heart in order for my heart to be truly His. So it's one that must be done!

2019....Here You Are!!

Happy New Year!  WOW!!! I can't believe a year has passed. Sometimes I think time goes really slow but mostly I feel like it's speeding by.  I've been reflecting a lot, lately, well actually I reflect a lot anytime I have a spare moment.  This morning I was sitting in my quiet house all alone while everyone was sleeping (except Cal, who was upstairs).  I was thinking about the seasons of life and how this past year, was the last one for the current season.  This time next year, I'll have 3 adult children and 2 college students.  Watching my babies grow up into these amazing humans, and I'm so excited to see how life unfolds for them all but still....like what?  I cannot believe they are growing up so fast.  I'll share a little secret....I find myself staring at any of them, all dazed and confused, as to how they ever fit in my belly.   Where did those babies go?  You may think that's weird, and I bet they will to; but really it's an amazing gift....this thing called LIFE!  Now I need to hold a baby....STAT....but I digress!!
 I don't make resolutions, because I just don't.  But a few years ago, I decided to be more intentional in some things each day.  I don't get it right every day, but I can say that I do try!!  These are some of the daily things I attempt:  to send my girls an encouraging quote, scripture, I LOVE YOU and YOU'RE AMAZING message each day, to kiss my husband every morning and night, to ask Cal the best part of his day and really listen to his reply, to relish in the moments and times the 7 of us spend together, to be more gentle (that's a work in progress), to be more spontaneous, to extend grace and love openly and just because it's what Jesus would do.  I've tried to not take things personally, to forgive myself and others, not sweat the small stuff, remember to thank God each morning my eyes open, comfort those who need comforting, look people in the eye and listen, hold onto hope, step outside my comfort zone in the name of Jesus, say "NO" to things I cannot do without grumbling, make a difference in the world,  don't let life pass me by and if I think something nice about someone....make sure and tell them.  I'll be honest....I find myself really really tired and overwhelmed by so much negativity and hate in the world (and I don't even read or watch the news), so I'm going to reach for the positives, for peace, for good!  One of the ways I have found to do this is to follow the lead of my children.  When they have an idea of how to make a difference, I need to always always always say "YES"!  Another way is to just let go of things that are weighing me down.  It's hard for me to do, so I have to work really hard. I saw these on social media these last few days, and I think this is a good place to start!  The first is by author, Morgan Harper Nichols The second is by my friend, Kathy Baker. Happy New Year!!  Bring it on 2019!