Sad

I am sitting here editing photos, and the house is quiet...except for a few small sounds.  I can barely hear "The Parent Trap" playing on the ipad as Bryna and Elliot watch it.  In the distance of another room, I can hear Cal and the sound of his trains rolling back and forth.  I look at him through the window that separates the rooms we are in, and I suddenly become overwhelmed.  As I watch him and the thoughtful intensity that he maneuvers the trains, I listen to him talking to them; and all of the sudden I'm sad.  There is my 13 year old boy....happily playing with his trains.  Why would I be sad?  If I'm going to be honest here, and I am...sometimes it happens....a sadness overcomes me when I picture my boy as an adult.  It's difficult for me to picture him as an adult or what his life will be like, because his future is so unpredictable.  I have a vision for what the girls' lives might hold.  Of course, they might be very different than I imagine; but my vision comes from the dreams they share with me.  Cal doesn't share those dreams with me....he is not able!  Sometimes sadness overwhelms me when I wonder if he will ever get married or have children or have any sort of companion besides his sisters, his daddy, and me!  Of course we will always be there to be his companion, but for most typical people...there comes a time when your closest companion may be a friend or a mate.  Maybe the sadness overcame me tonight, because of the talk we had in the car earlier with Elliot.  She and Bryna were talking about how I would have had many many more children, and how I had told them once we would just get a passenger van if our family outgrew the suburban.  Tonight I said I had hoped we would need a passenger van when we started becoming grandparents.  I had hoped we would have so many grandkids, that we would need a van to transport them all.  Then we started talking about Thanksgiving, that's my favorite holiday, and I told them how Addi had mentioned that she thought Thanksgivings, when they were all grown and had children, would be so wonderful.  We would have a house full...not like we don't already...but an even bigger house full of family here.  Elliot was asking me if she would move out and live with her husband and kids, and I told her she would; but we could all have Sunday lunches together after church and spend all of our holidays together and many other days together.  It was a nice vision when I thought more about it later, then I heard the trains rolling back and forth; and I saw my boy from the distance of another room.....I wondered if he would ever have a companion to share his love and life with.  Usually when it comes to worrying about my son, I worry about what high school might hold or how he will react when we go to a new restaurant.  I haven't worried much about his adult life...that is until lately...when I realized that he is realizing that he isn't seeing some of his friends much anymore.  It's not that they don't still love Cal....it's that they are 13 year old typical boys with busy lives and are becoming more interested in things that Cal can't relate to.  I see kids his age doing things that typical 13 year olds do, and I feel like he really wants to do so many of those things; but he just doesn't know how!  Sometimes I see it in his face...the longing....to be like them...and he's just not!  And it makes me sad!