PHYSICAL THERAPY

I'm full into PT, and actually it's going quite well.  That doesn't mean it's not painful, because it is; but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....sort of.  The day I can put my hair into a ponytail all by myself will be the day I claim victory.  :)  Dave, my therapist, is a brutal man; but his brutality is done out of the knowing that it is for my own good.  Yesterday I was laying on the table with my eyes closed while he manipulated my shoulder.  Closing my eyes keeps me from having to look at his face as it contorts while he works on me, and it keeps me from seeing his expression as my face contorts in pain....plus I focus on other things....or at least I try to.  Anyway I was laying there, and I raised my left arm from resting position up to my side.  Dave suddenly says, "WHOA!  What are you doing"?  Startled I opened my eyes and said, "My arm itches, I'm trying to scratch it by rubbing it on my shirt".  To which he replies, "Oh I thought you were going to take a swing at me".  Now let me tell you....this is not the first time I've heard him say something like this.  I've heard him tell someone, "Don't kick me".   And I've heard him ask, "Are you going to hit me?" and other phrases like this.  DUDE!!! I can't help but wonder what kind of abuse he has endured over the years as people react to the  pain  therapy he is inflicting!  I know he is doing a good job and pushing me along, but truthfully it is no fun!  I do enjoy getting out of the house for the hour and a half I'm there, and I must admit I sort of love the end of therapy when I get the 10 minute nap complete with stems and heat!  If the nap could last about 3 hours, I think my shoulder would be that much better!  ;)

OUCH

The sling is off, and the shoulder hurts.  I know I've experienced this before (27 years ago), but truthfully nobody should ever have to experience this twice.  My concerns of not being able to function, in every day circumstances, are coming to fruition.  It's going to be a long road.  I pray it's one worth traveling.

PROBLEM

I have this weird problem....if you have the same problem, then I apologize for calling it weird.  Anyhoo....my problem is....I have a lot of guilt.  Guilt about all sorts of stuff and have had my whole life.  I've gotten better about dealing with it and channeling it, but I still have this weird sense of guilt about my life....because it's good.  It's not perfect, I have struggles (as you've read), there are arguments, family difficulties, my kids misbehave, I misbehave, health issues, etc.  However for the most part, my life is really good.  I have the most wonderfully, sexy, handsome, loving, doting (most of the time) husband.  I have five super-d-duper kids who adore me (most of the time), and whom I adore (all of the time)!  We have all we could ever need and then some, and most everything we could ever want.  We are basically all healthy.  I have wonderful friends, family, church family, and more.  I mean....it's a typical happy life (or so I would think).  I struggle with this so often when I see people whose lives are not good.  I don't ask God why mine is and theirs isn't, because I honestly don't feel like it's my business; but I do ask how?  How can I help?  And then I pray.  If I don't get an answer to the how, then I keep praying.  I'm a future worrier, as most of you know.  I don't worry much about the past or present, but it's the future that has me all wound up.  I can find myself getting wrapped up in the gloom and doom of things as well!  I will start worrying about something small, and it will nag at me until it's this big huge (future) issue that hasn't happened nor do I have any reason to believe it will happen; but I still find myself worrying...losing sleep.  I am working really hard....I mean really hard....on giving it to God.  You know I've heard that worry is somewhat like having little faith, and that I understand; but still....I worry.  As of late, and if I were truthful since I've had children, I've had these moments when something happens; and I find myself thinking what would I do if.....?  Oklahoma City Bombing, 911, the shootings at Columbine, Sandy Hook, my lifelong friend losing two children during childbirth, childhood cancer, missing children, accidents, etc.  I find myself thinking what would I do if.....?  Then I realize that there is absolutely NO WAY ever that I would know what I would do if, and I also know that there is absolutely NO WAY I could survive it.  I couldn't do it....I couldn't....no doubt in my mind that I COULD NOT survive it.  And then.....I thank God that I wouldn't have to, because if I was ever faced with the what would I do if.....; I know that He would carry me.  And then I pray for those who are "surviving" their circumstance with God, for those who are "surviving" without God, and for those who aren't surviving.  I will trust in you!

Have you ever heard this song?  I sing it often but lately it's been on my mind constantly.

LISTEN HERE!


When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

When the darkness is close at hand
And I'm running against the wind
I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.
When I'm standing upon that shore
All the battles I've gone before
I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid.


I WILL NOT BE AFRAID!  I WILL TRUST IN YOU....hands held high in your honor and glory!  I WILL TRUST!

FRUSTRATING

Visited the orthopedist yesterday and had all external sutures removed.  All is looking good, and the scarring will be miniscule.  Unfortunately I have two more weeks in the sling, no use of my arm yet.  I knew this was a possibility, but for some reason it hit me harder than I thought.  Thinking about trying to work, care for my kids and get them to and from, and take care of my arm is becoming a little overwhelming.  NPayne has done a super terrific job, and will continue as always, of taking on my duties along with his; but it will become much more challenging with the kids starting back to school and activities and me trying to work.  My arm is so sore, and I get whipped fast; so the working part has me the most concerned.  I think I will be able to do some from home, but truthfully I don't know how much I can do at this point.  I have spent the last 2 weeks lying in bed and being able to lie down whenever I feel sick, tired, or just whipped; and having a lot of help.  I have found myself in complete mode of tears and mental breakdown the last few days as I attempt to dress myself, pick up around the house, make a glass of tea or anything....it is so frustrating and painful!  I'm too old for this....I'm too young for this!  Then I think about people, like my mother, who have so many more health issues to deal with....life changing health issues...issues that aren't going to make them "good as new" in a few months; and I remember that all is going to be fine.  It's just a bump, a little bump, in the road.