GIVE IT TO ME

Sometimes you have to make a choice, that you don't want to make, because you don't have any other choice.  Honestly it is terrible, especially when it effects your family and people you care about.  I've had to do that recently, and it hurt my heart so much....still does.  I'm learning that it seems to be leading to a few other choices, that I don't want to make, because they seem to be the only appropriate choices.  I've been praying about this pretty regularly, and I feel like God is saying:
GIVE IT TO ME!! GIVE IT TO ME!!  So I'm trying so hard to do that, but I'll be honest when I say I'm fearful and a little a lot controlling.  I hear myself saying these types of things to God:
"So I really know what's best here, let me handle this my way."
"They don't understand, so just let me explain it."
"Let me clear things up with a few folks, and set them straight while I'm at it."
"If you just let me do/say this one thing, I promise you can take it from there."
"Listen....this is effecting my family, and I think I know what's best for them."
"My heart really hurts, I'm really angry, and I feel very wronged; so what are You gonna do about that?"
But still He says, GIVE IT TO ME!  So I'm getting closer, but I haven't relinquished it completely.  We are about to leave town for 9 days, and I hope not to think about this once (insert sarcasm here); but I know that's not true.  I think one of the things that is the most difficult is knowing that other choices have to be made as a result, and they're not favorable either. I feel like they're ones that have to be made, and God keeps saying GIVE IT TO ME!  So God I'm trying, I just want You to know I'm really trying.

Quiet

I'm going to be an empty nester soon, sorta.  All of my babes will be in school pretty much all day next year, homeschooling has ended for us....at least for now; so there's not really a reason for me to stay home anymore.  I also feel like it's time I contribute more financially to our family.  This is a total me thing, not a Neil thing.  He would be okay with whatever I decided to do.  I decided I really missed being part of a community in a work environment as well.  The places, where I taught school or served as an administrator, in the past are where I made some of my best friends in the world.  I miss that type of community.  So I applied for several jobs in the field of education, and guess what?  I got called in for a bunch of interviews....a bunch! It was kinda cool and kinda intimidating.  I lost out on one, never got called back for one and was offered a few....which meant I had to choose.  Through the whole process, I felt certain that God would lead me where I was suppose to end up.  Many of the interviewees asked me the same types of questions, and they all started with...."Tell us about yourself" and then went from there.  The question I always dread is the one where they ask you your weaknesses or areas that you need to improve upon.  I don't dread it, because I think I don't have weaknesses or have areas of improvement.  I dread it, because I feel like this is could be a "make it or break it" answer.  The night before my first interview, I asked Neil if he asks prospective employees this question and what he thought the worst answer would be.  Then I prayed about it for a long time, and I heard God say....Just Be Honest, so I was.  My second interview, was the most challenging.  The questions seemed a little more in-depth, and I was a little more intimidated than in the others.  This was partly due to the fact that it was for a position in which I have never worked before....high school special education.  I was a kindergarten teacher forever....5 year olds and 16 year olds are very different!!  I have no "official" training or education in this area, but I have 19 years of life experience raising a special needs son.  One of the interviewees asked me that dreaded question....What do you think are some of your weaknesses?  And although I don't particularly feel like being a quiet person is a weakness, I know that many people do.  In fact, I was reprimanded in a previous job for being a quiet person, so that was one of my answers to this question in every interview.  However this was the only interview where the interviewee looked me directly in the eye and said, "I don't think being quiet is a weakness"; and then he smiled at me.  So needless to say, that's the job I accepted.  I'm so grateful for this new challenge, where I feel like I'll fit like a glove, and be able to offer so much of myself....being quiet and all.

You Do You

You know how sometimes something that's been really hard pushes you to do something unexpected, in a good way?  Well maybe you don't, but this has happened to me a few times in my 51 years of life.  Tonight was one of those.  I was listening to our youth pastor give a message when it occurred to me....that I put way too much energy into what other people think of me.  This isn't really a surprise to me, because I've known this for a very very long time; and it's a struggle.  Now this next part might sound kinda harsh....but I found myself thinking....I don't care what people think!  I know I'm a good person, with a good heart who tries to do the right thing for every single person I meet,  which can be very challenging sometimes.  I'm an empath, so I feel people's hurts so so hard.  It often leaves me feeling like a failure, because you just can't please every single person in the world.  But let me tell you how often I have tried to do that. Not every single person is going to be happy every minute of every day as much as you want them to.  Life is hard!!  This can also leave me feeling unworthy, insecure and very lonely; because hurt and sadness....even other people's....can be very isolating.  But tonight I felt this release and some tension leave my body, and I thought to myself....you are worthy and good and loved, and the only thoughts that matter are Jesus's; and He adores you.  So go on and keep doing you, because Jesus knows where you're coming from.  And then I thought, I hope this sticks for a while.

Nobody To Listen....

Lately, it seems like everybody is talking and nobody is listening.  I have a lot to say, and I know many of you do too; but I haven't felt like anyone is really listening.  Everyone has their own agenda, and I'm including myself here too.  But I have this longing feeling for some quiet....for some seeing and hearing....deep meaningful seeing and hearing.  I feel like my words are lost on many and that much of what I would like to say would be taken the wrong way, misinterpreted, taken out of context or just ignored.  There's so much going through my brain that I have been feeling a bit frozen. It's like I have so many things to say that I can't even get started.  I'll admit that fear, uncertainty and disappointment has been a big thing for me lately; and I'm really trying to get past those things.  I've also been hurt and confused, and all these things have left my brain & heart in a tizzy.  Some of these feelings I have definitely felt for myself, but I have also felt them deeply for others; and I feel things really hard whether it's good or not so good.  I've been missing people a lot lately too....some who have passed, some who I don't see much and some who I have lost contact with. I like to think of myself as an optimist, and I look for something to be grateful for every day and always always find many things; but really I may be just the opposite....a pessimist and that's disappointing to me too.  I've been having a hard time seeing the good in the world, so when I do....I rejoice often through tears and thanksgiving.  Still....here I sit, reading, writing, contemplating wishing many things were different, many were the way they use to be and many were the same.  I know that God's plan and timing is great, and I trust Him.  I'm praying for our world to be the way He intended....whatever that may be.