Re-Prioritize

WOW! John's sermon hit the spot today. I definitely need to re-prioritize the list of all the things I juggle, so I can find my joy again. It's been missing for a while now. I honestly haven't tried very hard to look for it, because I've sort of been expecting it to return on its own; but sadly it has not! I need to stop looking for it in situations and things but instead in Him. I know if I did what I think would bring me closer to God and bring me complete joy, it would make my family unhappy....then there would be no joy in it for them and hence no joy for me. I am really praying for guidance, peace, and a good re-prioritized list!

Life Is Good!

When I'm busy, life is good.

When I'm sad, life is good.

When I'm overwhelmed, life is good.

When I'm confused, life is good.

When I'm lonely, life is good.

When I'm anxious, life is good.

When I worry, life is good.

Life is good.....I have much more good than I do not good and although I've experienced all of the above feelings/situations in the last 2 weeks.....life is good, and I am grateful!

Walk A Thon

It's that time again....time to raise some moola for a good cause! My girl, Addi, heads up a fundraiser each year in honor of her brother Cal. She organizes something to raise money for Autism Speaks! This year, she is planning a Walk A Thon! She will be creating an event page directly linked to Autism Speaks for those of you who feel led to donate. We will share all the details on April 2nd....LIGHT IT UP BLUE day! Remember to scroll down and mute the music, so you can hear her info.

Having Cal in my life has taught me so much that I would have otherwise never known or taken for granted. Having my girls in my life has taught me more in the 15 years that I've been a mother than I have learned in my entire lifetime! God brings good out of everything. Sometimes we have to pay attention to see it, and sometimes it is very visible!

A Young Lady

My girl is growing up....first she had the audacity to turn 15....can you believe she would do that to me? ;) Then I took her to the orthodontist, and this happened.....

Doesn't her smile look lovely? And now today....SIGH....breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.....I'm taking her to the DMV to get her learning permit! What is going on around here? She was just a baby yesterday, wasn't she? It sure seems like it! WOW....our littles grow up fast, don't they?

The Best Sisters For Cal!

My kids argue, nit pick, complain, disagree, etc. They are not perfect siblings, but I am going to take a minute....in this post....to boast a little. Okay I know I've been known to boast about them before....but bear with me..... I'm going to boast about them again. As I said, they are not perfect people or perfect siblings....they're not, and believe me I realize that. What I am going to boast about really pertains to the girls and how they relate to their brother. Cal has autism, and with that....like many special needs....come challenges. When he was really young, it was very hard. He didn't have the verbal skills or mental understanding to grasp many things. Taking him places was difficult and completely unpredictable. It's still that way some, but he is able to deal with "new" things much better. He is still unpredictable, and sometimes outings go smoothly and sometimes they don't; and most of the time, we have no idea why it did one time and didn't another time. NPayne and I agreed, a long time ago, that our girls wouldn't have to miss out on things because Cal wouldn't cooperate or participate. For the most part, they haven't. But what I realized, just recently while reading another person's blog, is this.....they have had to miss out on having both parents there many many times. One of us, usually NPayne, sticks with Cal while I take them wherever it is we are going. When I was reading this other blog about this family with a special needs child, it made me so sad; mainly because I could relate. They had gone on a vacation and left their special needs child at home, because they knew she couldn't handle it. They knew it would have been challenging and maybe even interfered with some of the things they had planned with their other children. At one part, of the post, I remember the author describing it like "she had two families". That made me sad. I am not judging anyone here, and I certainly can relate; but it breaks my heart to think of us as "two families" and not one. NPayne has suggested that the girls and I go here or there (on a vacation) while he and Cal stayed home, because we both know it would be too stressful for Cal and honestly for us. We haven't done that yet, because honestly I just don't want to. I don't want to leave my two boys behind. My girls have always always been so good to their brother. They have never shown any resentment towards him for having to compromise so often on his behalf. They have never gotten angry with him when we've had to turn around and come home to drop Cal and one of their parents at home. They have never been rude to Cal or said hurtful things to him. They love him unconditionally. Now he does drive them nuts sometimes, and they will definitely express this to him. Although I have never seen resentment or anger in my girls, I have seen disappointment or sadness in their eyes when our plans didn't work out; and we had to continue to a birthday dinner without NPayne or I because Cal wouldn't go. Honestly it makes me sad too and sometimes it makes me angry....why won't he just go this one time?....I oftentimes finding myself thinking. I have heard from many and seen many siblings who hold a grudge, because of the compromising and the attention it takes to raise a child with special needs. I honestly can say, I don't see that in my girls...ever. As Cal has gotten older, we have been able to take him more places. We have also been able to leave him with a sitter, so both of us could attend things with the girls. With that being said I know there are certain things the girls would never even ask to do, because they don't think Cal would want to do it; and they wouldn't expect us to pay for a sitter. This makes me sad too. I don't want them to miss out, but the reality is they do....as hard as we try.....they do; but they do it with grace.

Even Split!

Yesterday was the first time I have gone grocery shopping, since....well....honestly I can't remember. NPayne does most of the shopping. I am not a fan of Walmart, and I can't afford a "real" grocery store. I would prefer to buy groceries at Target, which I do, when I shop; but NPayne thinks it's too expensive too. So....he shops at Walmart....nearly every week. Have I mentioned that he rocks? Well he does. He also puts Cal's laundry away, takes Addi to school at the crack of dawn for drumline rehearsal, gets everyone going on weekday mornings, takes Cal to school, cooks dinner quite often, does the dishes on his dish night, usually does his own laundry, tucks the girls in about 80% of the time, tucks Cal in 99.9% of the time, oh and he has a job! Did I mention that he rocks? Well he does. He is also building out a closet upstairs and finishing up a bathroom that was built a loooooong time ago, but hey he's been busy! As for me, I lay around in my pj's and drink coffee all day after soaking in a hot bubble bath for hours on end! ;) I am blessed to have such a hard working, supportive husband....yessiree Bob, but I promise you all of those things I just listed.....that's about 1/3 of our weekly busyness....I cover about 1/3 (maybe a tad more)....the kids cover 1/3 (maybe a tad less)....and then there are weeks when some things just don't get done! What do ya do? Make the best of it, or at least I try to! I'll admit I'm not very good at that.....I like things to get done....but sometimes they just don't, and we go to the park instead! :)

March 3rd....The Best Day of 1997!

Fifteen years ago today, my life was changed forever. My passion was ignited, and it was becoming a mother. I remember vividly every moment of that day, and I remember how I would hold my baby girl and cry for the overwhelming gratitude and love that I had. Although I don't hold you in my lap anymore, I still cry those overwhelming tears of gratitude and love.

I never knew it would be like that....like this.....that love.....WOW!

Addison Jo Payne, you are simply amazing. I love everything about you! I love watching you use your God given talents. I love the sound of your voice. I love that you you have such a servant's heart. I love that you are a good example for your siblings. I love that you still like to hang out at home. I love that you enjoy being with your family. I love that you are easy to please. I love that you are very very practical. I love that you are so much like your daddy. I love that your disposition is so easy going. I love that you have such a kind, sweet, generous spirit. I love that you make me a better person. I love that you forgive me easily and always.

I love YOU!