Passion

Passion....what are you passionate about?  I'm passionate about my husband and my children.  I'm passionate about my Jesus.  I'm passionate about....well....the rest is kinda foggy.  I use to feel passionate about lots of other things, but as of late....I just don't.  It hit me today like a ton of bricks, that I am losing my passion.  I feel very unsettled in life and very in limbo.  I don't know if I'm coming or going.  I'm praying it's just a season, but I kinda think it's not.  I kinda think it's another nudge from my good ole savior telling me....YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!  YOU NEED TO BE OBEDIENT!  I'm not sure what all that means, but I hope I can figure it out soon...or I hope He can bop me (and a few others) upside the head; so we can listen and obey.

Mama and Daddy

I sit and watch and listen....it's not the first time, and it won't be the last.  My heart smiles through the hole that is there.  Watching children with their grandparents...it's so bittersweet.  I miss my parents so, and I miss watching them with my children.  I miss watching my sweet mother-in-law with my children.  I read love notes and endearing words, on social media, written by my friends for their mamas and daddies; and I hope they know....how fortunate they are to still have them here.  Open houses, performances, grandparents' days....those are hard, and they will always be hard for my kids.  It hurts my heart for them and for me, but mostly for them.  Sometimes I just need my mama and daddy.  A few weeks ago, I was listening to someone speak about being an orphan.  That word resonates with me so strong, because I am one....both of my parents have passed on.  I don't remember a lot about what the speaker said, except this:  If you're an orphan, remember this:  You have a heavenly father who is with you always.  He is right here anytime you need Him.  That provided me with the greatest comfort I've had, since my mother died almost 2 years ago.  Although I've known that and believed that in my head, I have not felt that in my heart until I heard those words....then there was a connection between the two.  It hasn't been easy, not at all, and grief has a big hold on me.  I expect it always will to some extent, but it also reminds me of how much love there was between me and my parents and my husband's mama.  My heart still hurts when I see sweet reminders, but sometimes it hurts in a good way.  I just pray that those who still have their mamas and daddies and grandparents for their kids know just how fortunate they are.

Friends

Friends....I am grateful! Oh how I am grateful! I have friends from all walks of life, and I am so blessed by these people. The encouragement and love they provide is something I need so desperately. Grieving, celebrating, crying, laughing, rejoicing, holding each other up....I couldn't do life without them. Many of my friends have or are facing some big challenges, heartbreaks, losses, worries; yet they remain faithful. Their faith has changed my life.  They have made me strong and supported me through so much. They have loved me when I wasn't so easy to love and stood by me when others turned their backs. To my friends...I love you and I thank God for bringing you into my life! You know who you are!😘😘

March 3....The Best Day of 1997!!!

NINETEEN!  Happy Birthday to my sweet Addison Jo Payne.  You're the one that introduced me to the most wonderful, exhausting, hardest, rewarding experience of my life...being a mama.  You entered the world fast and furious, yet you are anything but...my easy going and laid back child with a wit as sharp as a tack.  The quiet silent type, so much so, that people have asked me if you ever speak. ;)  You have your dad's chill out disposition and my my weird sense of humor, except you don't laugh nearly as loud as I do. The best biggest sister we could have hoped for.  I had to post pictures of you and each of your siblings, because you have a wonderful and unique relationship with each one.  They all adore you and are always excited when you come home.  NINETEEN YEARS...I could not be more proud of the person you are, the obstacles you have overcome, and the goodness you have in your heart! You are going to change the world. You're my heart AJP!