Forgiveness

I've recently learned about some things that have happened that have been hurtful.  The most hurtful part is that a few of my children have been affected by these actions.  Although they don't really even know about these things yet, I know it will make them sad when they do.  The craziest part is I'm not sure why these things happened or even what really happened.  I reached out several times to try to make things right but to no avail.  In my 50 years of life, I've learned a lot and experienced a lot; but I still don't understand a lot.  One of the things I've decided I really need to focus on is forgiveness.  There have been so many hurts, some intentional and some not, and I need to move past them.  Some of these things will only be addressed in my mind as they are too painful to speak about to anyone else.  Some of these things are consequences of my own actions as well.  I understand forgiveness and all of its definitions.  I understand that unforgiveness makes you a prisoner to your feelings, not to the person that hurt you, but to your own feelings.  I understand that true forgiveness breaks those chains.  I understand that you don't have to forget, condone or even speak to the person who hurt you ever again to truly forgive them.  What I don't understand is how to get there.  I have forgiven many things and many people, but there are some that I still cling to with tightly closed fists.  I want to release those fists and free myself of these chains that bind me, because I want to be free.  I guarantee you those who have done hurtful things haven't thought twice about it.  On the flip side, I am sure I have done hurtful things to people as well.  I would never try to intentionally hurt someone, and it is so confusing when people are upset; and I have no idea why.  It takes its toll on my heart, but I have to trust in the Lord that maybe there is some reason for this and that something good will come of it.  I wonder if sometimes it's a form or protection or redirection as well.  I admit that I'm a sensitive person, and I internalize a lot.  I've been working on this for the last few years, but it's not easy to change those parts of yourself...it's part of who you are.  The other day I listened to a podcast on forgiveness, and I realized that I don't have to change the sensitive part of me.  What I really need to work on is the insecure part of myself. The part that worries too much about what others think.  I also realized that a huge part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself....WHOA!  What?  If I'm living my life in the light, or at least doing my best to, then I think I'm giving it my best; and that's what matters.  Jesus sees you....the real you.  Maybe the first step in forgiveness is forgiving myself...whew!  I remember years ago, someone told me that if you hold on to your mistakes and continually ask God to forgive you for the same ones over and over; then the sacrifice of Jesus for our sins was all in vain. Working on accepting His grace and forgiveness has been tough...especially when you don't feel worthy.  I know I'm not worthy, but I also know that He loves me....oh how He loves me.  The more I delve into myself and into His word, the more I am able to accept all that He has to offer.  And soon enough forgiveness of myself will come, and that's a great big gigantic step.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.^[1][2] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning (granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).^[