This Is Enough!

Lots of things going on in the last few months....some good, some not.  Sunday was a pivotal time for one of my kids.  It was a time for reconciliation and addressing some feelings.  It wasn't easy, but it was valuable and worth it for my child and some others.  I have struggled with self image for as long as I can remember.  I've spent a good part of my life concerned with how other people view me, and many wasted hours wondering "what I did wrong", when in fact I did nothing wrong.  I've let my imagination conjure up all sorts of scenarios.  I've read too much into things.  I've definitely over thought some things, but most of all I've just wasted a lot of time.  Sunday night, Neil told my child that he had made the decision a long time ago not to concern himself with what others thought of him.  He said, it was one of the best decisions of his life.  I have another friend who has the same mindset, and she is so so strong.  I've been reading Of Mess and Moxie by Jen Hatmaker, and today I read Chapter 15.  It described a lot of what I've been feeling, and I think a lot of it is due to the things I was mentioning above.

DOLDRUMS CHAPTER 15
Author's note: "This essay does not apply to serious trauma or depression. The doldrums are a funk, not a severe crisis. Sometimes we require therapy, intervention, and possibly medication and the practices I describe are inadequate. 
dol·drums
ˈdōldrəmz,ˈdäldrəmz/Submit
noun
a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression.
"the mortgage market has been in the doldrums for three years"
synonyms: depression, melancholy, gloom, gloominess, downheartedness, dejection, despondency, low spirits, despair; More
an equatorial region of the Atlantic Ocean with calms, sudden storms, and light unpredictable winds." Then she says this, and I find this the truest statement of statements I've heard in a long time. "Here is the bummer about doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift yourself out are the same things you've lost energy to do. The simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean. Your mind knows to do them, but your will refuses to cooperate. Which makes your mind furious and mired in shame, which makes your will dig its heels and wallow, which makes you realize you are turning on yourself. You are your own worst enemy. No one can oppress me like myself. How did I get out of this funk? Nothing miraculous happened, except one day I said, 'This is enough.' Virtually nothing changed that day. Or the next. These things aren't overnight success stories, because if it took three months and 459 lazy, unhealthy choices to get stuck, it takes some time to climb out....I wish I had better news about breaking free, but apparently we just have to grab a shovel and start digging." 


After thinking about this most of today, I've decided that I'm going to put in 100% effort to figure out how to do what I think is best.  Not because of what other people think or tell me, but because of what I think is best.  I'm not going to continue to allow people talk down to me, directly or passively aggressively.  I'm not going to allow people to discredit my efforts as a mother, wife, person, christian, friend.  I'm not going to feel badly about things I choose to do that I have chosen to do for a good reason.  I realize that a lot of the things (I think people may think or the way they react are all in my head), so I'm also going to do my best not to worry about it and remember that most people are too wrapped up in their own business to care that much about mine.  THIS IS ENOUGH!