Happy 19th Birthday Callahan Leigh Payne! Our Lone Ranger. My only son. I've been thinking about you as an adult this past year and how it is very different than what I imagined when you were born. Never in a million years did I realize how much you would need me over these past 19 years, and never in a million years did I realize how much I would need you. Having you has brought me, and all of us, a different perspective on life....appreciating the little things, the things that many take for granted. Those first years were sweet, then confusing, then sometimes really really difficult, but always always worth it. Things have changed with you the most for me. Early in your life I found myself setting my expectations for you low due to things I read, researched, had been told and my own inexperience in knowing how to parent you. When you were little, I questioned my parenting and choices so much more than I did with the girls. Was I doing anything right? Why did being "special" sometimes not feel so "special" in some of those really hard and confusing days, but mostly in how some people treated you, my darling little boy? As you've grown and accomplished so much more than I ever would have even dreamed, I now question myself the least in parenting you. I still do find myself questioning society a lot. I have wondered why people want you to conform and be "normal" or "like everyone else"? Sometimes I even find myself falling into that trap of how "normal" is defined, and then I look at your face and those big soulful eyes and think about all the things that you do that "normal" people don't; and WOW OH WOW I'm grateful for what I've learned as your mother. I wonder how many of us can remember every single person's birthday once they learned it the first time and have a calendar in their brain for total recall whenever needed. I wonder how many of us do their "chores" without being asked and with the utmost gratitude and perfection and pride. I wonder how many of us pick up after ourselves every day...like never ever leave a mess. I wonder how many of us can say they have never ever lost a sock in the laundry, and I'm not even kidding....NEVER LOST A SOCK!!! What? I wonder how many of us have never felt the effect of peer pressure. I wonder how many of us have never told a lie...ever, not even a white lie. I wonder how many of us are not affected in the least bit by social media. I wonder how many of us say what's really on our mind, like "Why is there no kissing in school?" or "Why doesn't Cal want to work this summer? Why does Cal want to stay home and watch TV?" 😂 or "Why does daddy say you're a man, go in the man's bathroom?" 👀
I wonder how many of us are truly "what you see is what you get". I wonder how many of us truly embrace our passions. I wonder how many of us wholeheartedly love with complete and total uncondition. I wonder how many of us get some of our greatest joy out of the littlest every day things like shaking someone's hand in church, or throwing a frisbee in the front yard, or taking out the trash for our neighbor. I wonder how many of us are really living our best lives, truly the best life you have, because I know you are; and that, my boy, is one of the greatest gifts in the world to witness. God doesn't make mistakes. No matter some of the cruel things I've been told, or read, or seen, or overheard over the years; you are not a mistake. In fact, I think you're closer to what God intended the human race to be like than most of us "normal" people....kind and loving and accepting and friendly (maybe a little overly friendly at times, hence the kissing in school 😚). And who really wants to be "normal" when they can be like you? Anyone who has taken the time to really know you has learned leaps and bounds about humanity, this I know for sure. You are one of my greatest gifts, and I adore you my son. We all do! You are so adored and loved.
Mama
"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" Dr. Seuss
No comments:
Post a Comment