SELF CARE

Lent has been very hard for me, and we are barely into it.  I took on being positive and fighting off negative thoughts, words, attitudes.  But I've been disheartened lately.  I've been disappointed.  I've been tired of much.  One thing I've been thinking a lot about is the "self care" movement and what that means, because honestly it's everywhere I look.  I must give a disclaimer here:  If you're all about "We are all in this together" or "We are doing the best we can" or "Women need to care for themselves before caring for others"; you might as well stop reading now.  Because honestly we are not all in this together....there's hate, jealousy, racism and prejudice in the world; and truth be told, there are days when I  am simply not doing the best I can.  This whole thing has lost value for me, because of the generality placed on it....kind of like when the population chimes in with "We are praying for you" when some horrific tragedy happens in our world.  That too has lost value for me, because the words seem dismissive and empty.  I know that is not the intent, but those words have been used in such a frequent and common way that  they no longer seem reverent, thoughtful and sincere.  The "self care" movement has become hollow.  Many talk about self care and loving yourself and blah blah blah, but I feel like we are a society that puts way too much emphasis on it in a very general and shallow way:  pamper yourself, have a day out at the spa, do things that bring you joy, take time for yourself, exercise, drink more water.  The "self care" movement seems, well, very selfish and meaningless.  For me to really care for myself, I need to go deep.  I'm not saying some pampering, exercise and doing things that bring me joy are not good things.  And yes those things definitely can make me feel better, my attitude better and attribute to self care.  I crave peace, quiet,  joyful things and water....exercise, not so much.  But the more I've read about "self care", the more I've realized that I already do most of the things suggested pretty regularly.  There was a season where pampering, alone time and exercise took a lot more effort than they do now, and most of the time I still have to be intentional about these things.  But what I've also realized is true "self care" for me is the hard stuff.  Staying when I want to run, loving someone who is hard to love, focusing on the positive when negative thoughts enter my mind, being honest when it's dangerous, pushing through when it's exhausting, speaking out when it's not popular, sacrificing when it affects my happiness.  I have to continue to strive to do the beautiful things when I don't feel equipped, to be the person that I know deep in my soul Jesus wants me to be, to stand for what I believe in all the while loving those I don't agree with.  The world is  avery broken place, and all of us are broken....every single one of us.  A day at the spa or a well intended cute coffee cup proclaiming self love isn't what makes me try harder for myself.  It's the soul searching, the listening, the seeing, the uncertainty and sometimes fear that I have to dig deep to get through.  It's asking for help without embarrassment but with confidence.  It's knowing I am a sinner, and I cannot do this on my own.  It's saying out loud to whomever will listen....I need guidance from  Jesus every minute of every day and oftentimes I need guidance from you to get through the hard stuff to be able to care for myself.  I couldn't make this post sound  fluffy or sweet, but that was not my intent.  I  just wanted it to sound real.