SELF CARE

Lent has been very hard for me, and we are barely into it.  I took on being positive and fighting off negative thoughts, words, attitudes.  But I've been disheartened lately.  I've been disappointed.  I've been tired of much.  One thing I've been thinking a lot about is the "self care" movement and what that means, because honestly it's everywhere I look.  I must give a disclaimer here:  If you're all about "We are all in this together" or "We are doing the best we can" or "Women need to care for themselves before caring for others"; you might as well stop reading now.  Because honestly we are not all in this together....there's hate, jealousy, racism and prejudice in the world; and truth be told, there are days when I  am simply not doing the best I can.  This whole thing has lost value for me, because of the generality placed on it....kind of like when the population chimes in with "We are praying for you" when some horrific tragedy happens in our world.  That too has lost value for me, because the words seem dismissive and empty.  I know that is not the intent, but those words have been used in such a frequent and common way that  they no longer seem reverent, thoughtful and sincere.  The "self care" movement has become hollow.  Many talk about self care and loving yourself and blah blah blah, but I feel like we are a society that puts way too much emphasis on it in a very general and shallow way:  pamper yourself, have a day out at the spa, do things that bring you joy, take time for yourself, exercise, drink more water.  The "self care" movement seems, well, very selfish and meaningless.  For me to really care for myself, I need to go deep.  I'm not saying some pampering, exercise and doing things that bring me joy are not good things.  And yes those things definitely can make me feel better, my attitude better and attribute to self care.  I crave peace, quiet,  joyful things and water....exercise, not so much.  But the more I've read about "self care", the more I've realized that I already do most of the things suggested pretty regularly.  There was a season where pampering, alone time and exercise took a lot more effort than they do now, and most of the time I still have to be intentional about these things.  But what I've also realized is true "self care" for me is the hard stuff.  Staying when I want to run, loving someone who is hard to love, focusing on the positive when negative thoughts enter my mind, being honest when it's dangerous, pushing through when it's exhausting, speaking out when it's not popular, sacrificing when it affects my happiness.  I have to continue to strive to do the beautiful things when I don't feel equipped, to be the person that I know deep in my soul Jesus wants me to be, to stand for what I believe in all the while loving those I don't agree with.  The world is  avery broken place, and all of us are broken....every single one of us.  A day at the spa or a well intended cute coffee cup proclaiming self love isn't what makes me try harder for myself.  It's the soul searching, the listening, the seeing, the uncertainty and sometimes fear that I have to dig deep to get through.  It's asking for help without embarrassment but with confidence.  It's knowing I am a sinner, and I cannot do this on my own.  It's saying out loud to whomever will listen....I need guidance from  Jesus every minute of every day and oftentimes I need guidance from you to get through the hard stuff to be able to care for myself.  I couldn't make this post sound  fluffy or sweet, but that was not my intent.  I  just wanted it to sound real.

LENT

Today is Ash Wednesday....the beginning of the Lenten season.  Growing up, I didn't practice Lent.  I didn't even know what it was until I was in my 30's.  When I first started practicing Lent, I thought of it as a time of sacrifice, but now I consider it more of a time of conversion.  Fasting from something does indeed call for sacrifice, but sometimes I feel I have not taken this seriously enough.  Over the last 5 years or so, I've been very intentional about what I've fasted; and most of the time I've been successful....sort of.  However as I've been thinking about this over the last few days, I realized that my sacrifices needed to be something more.  I'm not talking about fasting more stuff, although that's not a bad idea either; I'm talking about more challenging, impactful, heart changing, life changing, me changing.  There has only been one time, that I can recall, that I fasted a particular something and actually gave that up for pretty much ever.  It was about 6 years ago, and I decided to challenge myself during Lent; so I gave up soda and bread. I know that may not sound very challenging, but I was addicted to coke. Coca Cola people, so let's stop that rumor chain before it even gets started.  During that time, I lost 20 pounds.  I was a pretty healthy eater and exercised a lot, but during that Lenten season; I was physically and emotionally impacted by bread and soda and the changes in my mind and body.  That year after Easter, I made some huge changes in my diet.  I did not drink another Coke for the next 5 years.  Since then I've had a taste every now and then, but nothing I would crave daily like I use to.  I took on a clean eating regimen and over the next 4 months; I lost another 25 pounds.  My life has changed a lot since I started taking better care of my body, and that got me thinking about this year's fast.  I've been praying for something, that I can challenge myself with, that will impact me forever, not just for 40 days (not including Sundays).  It wasn't until this morning, when I was praying and thinking about what daily encouragement to send to my children, that I found it. What I want to do for Lent.  I want to practice positivity more intentionally and to hopefully make an impact on other people, as well as, myself.

I need more positive, and I need to be the positive for others.  The world is a hard place, it's a scary place, it's an unfair place; but it's where we are.  I find myself focusing on negative a lot lately, because there is so much of it.  It's time to refocus, recenter, rethink and remember....there is positive in the world, even in the hard, scary and unfair....sometimes it's hard to see, but we have to keep looking! This is something that I know will change me and hopefully impact others....not in a PollyAnna sort of way....but in an "I'm here for you, and I love you" sort of way!  I know I will stumble, but I am praying this mind set will keep me centered on shining light in the darkness instead of fumbling to try to find the switch and then giving up.  This might sound like an easy thing to do, but to be successful and make this a lasting change; there is more to this than just a positive attitude. It will need to be a way of thinking about things, seeing things, praying for things and approaching things.  I will need to focus on my mind and energy and transforming them when life is hard, scary and unfair.  Look for the beauty and when I can't see it, know it's there and keep looking.

ALL ARE WELCOME

I had a conversation this past weekend about the general conference that was held for the Methodist church.  It's been extremely painful, and so many people have been hurt.  In our conversation, the main question was why?  Not why did the vote turn out this way, but why was there even a need for a vote?  This posed by a woman, whom I've known for years, who is searching for a church home.  She was planning on attending her boyfriend's church, which is a Methodist church, but after general conference decided against it.  Although I tried to defend my personal church and all of those who are not supportive of the outcome of this vote, I must admit I too have wondered why this vote was even a thing.  Ultimately I know the answer is that in order to change the Methodist Book of Discipline, a vote was the most diplomatic way.  However as in most governing boards, there are some things wrong here.  One of the biggest, in my opinion, is why did the global church vote on something that only affects the US?  Two, why do we think we can pick and choose who we welcome into the church? Some will argue that we, Methodists, are welcoming of all; but are we really?  Of course many are, but after the vote; it is oftentimes assumed that all Methodist churches are in favor of this particular exclusion. When you invite people in to experience the unbridled love of God, your arms should be open fully, not crossed at your chest.  This is what I feel like our denomination has said, "Sure you can come to our church and love Jesus, but these are our terms". When Neil and I were searching for a church home, some 23 years ago, we landed in our Methodist church.  The biggest appeal was the inclusivity and Bible teachings. Obviously I don't agree with everything the Methodist Book of Discipline states, and honestly I don't even know some of it;  because I don't feel like it should dictate my relationship with God.  It can certainly help to guide it and to grow me in spiritual disciplines, but it's not the main factor that drives my love for My Lord.  Although I don't agree with everything, I do love my church and church family; and I have yet to find a perfect church or denomination.  Every time we take communion, the pastor says, "ALL ARE WELCOME!" I believe God wants us all, every single one of us, in His house feeling His love poured over us....all of us.  We have taught our children this as well....Jesus loves us all, every single one.  We don't get to decide that, that decision was made on the cross.  When we welcome with open arms, we are closer to living like Jesus.  We will never get it completely right, because we are in fact human and imperfect and not Jesus; but it doesn't mean we can't strive for Christian perfection.  It's not up to me to dictate someone's faith or relationship with Jesus, that's on them.  It is up to me to share the love and grace of Jesus and pray for those searching. In my heart and mind "ALL ARE WELCOME"  always!!  God will bring good from all of this, and I've seen glimpses of that these last few days.  Now we pray and wait as we move forward, not backward.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love:  not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
1 John 4:7-12

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.
Matthew 22:35-40

March 3rd, the best day of 1997!!!

Happy 22nd Birthday Addison Jo Payne....my first born. The one who changed everything 22 years ago today. I remember the moment you were born realizing how much my mother loved me. I called her a few days after and said, "WOW....YOU REALLY LOVE ME! THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME LIKE THIS!" I remember her loving response and "seeing" her smile through the phone, knowing now that I understood. I spent the first months of your life, with you snuggled against me staring into your face in complete and total awe, completely overwhelmed by the miracle that you are. You were a gentle spirit from day one full of love, you had a deep thoughtful understanding of people from the time you were a toddler, and the most generous soul I'd ever known. You were the child who always included everyone, especially those who would not have been included otherwise. My girl who always always put her brother's needs before her own and set the expectation for how others should treat him, understanding him better than I did for many years. You're a life changer, AJP, the one who goes out of her way to make people feel special and to see their special and to embrace their special. Supportive of all the people who adore you and whom you adore, and you are adored by so many. You are the best biggest sister in the whole world. The best thing is watching you love your brother and sisters so fiercely and them love you back the same way. The relationships you all have is truly the greatest thing I've ever been fortunate enough to witness on a daily basis. You have a quiet wit, the best sense of humor and are truly an artistic genius. Jesus shines through you, and many times when I think What Would Jesus Do in this situation? You have already done it. You have been through some really really hard things and have fought your way to survival sharing your struggles in hopes of helping someone else. I'm proud of you more and more each day. You are my heart, and I adore you.

Will You Forgive Me?

Last night, I lost my cool with my babiest of babies.  She cried in the kitchen, and I was so frustrated with myself.  I let her be for a bit, and then I sought her out.  I cupped my hands around her face, looked her in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry.  Can you forgive me?"  Her eyes were still wet from tears, but you know what she did?  She said, "Yes I forgive you."  Then I kissed her cheeks!!

I don't do well with chaos, exhaustion or busyness....I get overwhelmed by each of these things individually, and the last few weeks; it's been all of them together.  That's not any excuse to lose my cool with anyone, but I did anyway.  

Years ago, I realized that sometimes saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough.  Sometimes it is, but sometimes it needs to be more.  We have this thing in our house that if someone unintentionally did something to hurt another in any way, "I'm sorry" would work....stepping on your foot, knocking over your drink, borrowing something without asking.  But sometimes it needed to be more.  If someone hurt someone in an intentional way....saying something with the intent of hurting feelings, deliberately disobeying, leaving someone out, then there would be time taken to think about what had happened....and eventually...when genuinely regretful and ready to take responsibility; they would look the other in the eyes and ask, "Will you forgive me?"  I cannot tell you what a difference this has made in our household and in our relationships.  Thinking about the situation, the feelings involved and the intentional asking for forgiveness has made us all much gentler with each other.  It has made us all realize that we make mistakes in relationships....sometimes intentionally but most of the time not....but forgiveness is key in working through the mistakes and then letting them go.  We put our self in the shoes of the one who was hurt, and that stirs up all the regret and remorse.  I cannot remember a time when any one of my children or husband have not forgiven me or each other.  I cannot remember a time when I have not forgiven one of them either.  This has helped me be more intentional with how I speak and act.  It doesn't mean I won't lose my cool from time to time, but it does mean I know that I can be forgiven.  "Forgiveness is the oil in relationships".  I don't know who said that, but I think it's so very true....it's what lubricates them and keeps them moving forward instead of backward.  If you're in a situation where you need to be forgiven, look someone in the eyes and genuinely ask them.