ADDICTION

ADDICTION–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I have someone that I love who is an addict.....she is a very close relative....she is my cousin. Being an only child, I "adopted" 2 of my cousins (sisters) as my own sisters. I love them both dearly....we live close to each other, and I love spending time with them both....one always, the other when she's sober. My cousin, S, has had an addiction problem for a very long long time. She is addicted to alcohol and drugs as well, and as much as I hate to say it....she will do whatever it takes to get them. Although she's a fun loving, sweet, beautiful woman....the addiction has taken its toll....she is a different person when she's under the influence; and she doesn't make good or safe decisions. She often puts herself and others in very immediate danger by driving and doing many other inappropriate things. She has lived with my mother, off and on, for about 4 years; since my dad died. And although she has been very helpful to my mom....who is disabled....there have been many many many times when she has acted inappropriately, disrespectfully, dangerously, and borderline abusively to her. The worst part about addiction, in my opinion, is that S really has lost all control of who she is. The addiction has taken over her mental and physical capacity, and she really only thinks about how she can manipulate any situation to get her next fix. I recently made the decision....and it has been one of the hardest things I've ever done....to distance my family from her. Unfortunately 2 of my children already know about S's disease, because I felt I had to tell them. When their Moo, my mom, was suppose to show up at birthday parties and other events but never did; because S was too drunk to drive her or never came home that day....I finally had to tell them why Moo wasn't able to come to these things. And sure if given enough notice, NPayne or myself will always go get Moo and bring her over; but more often than not....that's not how it plays out. It was and is heartbreaking to watch her destroy herself. A few weeks ago, S dropped my mom off at the hospital for a treatment that she receives and never came back to get her. For the first time EVER; I got really angry at her. I mean ANGRY....I was also very irritated with my mom....who didn't call us to tell us she was abandoned there until she had been sitting there for 4 hours. I know her intent was "not to be a burden" which is always her intent, but I have to tell her time and time again, that she's not a burden....CALL ME! I told S and the rest of my family that I could no longer stand by and be a part of this and watch her destroy her life and treat my mom this way. She has since promised that she will go into rehab after the first of the year....my question is Why wait? Why not go now? I think my family all knows the answer....she's buying time, trying to smooth things over and get back in our good graces in hopes that we will just forget it. And honestly that is what has happened in the past....too many times to count. After speaking to a few mentors and a counselor, I really feel that the decision I have made is the right one. And although I know my sweet mother has high hopes that S will go into rehab, I really believe it's only a matter of time before she won't come home, or lose another job, or come home with some strange guy again. I keep trying to tell my mom that S is sick....she has a disease, and even though S (and I think my mom) think she can stop on her own....she can't. The disease, the addiction, has complete control over her. I made the decision not to support her or continue to enable her, and I will tell you it is a horrifying thought as to what will happen to S if and when my mom ever turns her out of her house. She has nowhere to go, her own sister and mother will not allow her to live with them any longer; because of the choices she's made due to the addiction. I don't blame them one bit. She is not welcome at my house any longer either. My mom has the hardest decision to make here, because as much as I, my aunt, my cousin J, can all say that we are not going to stand by and watch her destroy herself; it's my mom who ultimately has to put her out on the street. That's TOUGH! I spoke to Cindy, a pastor and counselor, at my church yesterday; and she talked a lot about forgiving and anger when you have someone in your life who has wronged you. What I had to explain to Cindy was that I don't have any anger towards S, and I have already forgiven her for every single thing she's ever done; but what I am so struggling with is the guilt and just plain sadness that I feel. It's a horrible thing to think about cutting yourself off from someone you love and who needs such desperate help, but when that person refuses the help time and time again and continues to manipulate and endanger your family....somethings gotta give. Truly deep down in my heart, I believe that if S doesn't seek some professional help; she will end up dying a miserable death....either out on the street, due to the addiction, or at the hands of a crazy person that she's sold herself to once again to get the quick fix she so longs for. I can't bear to think about it....it literally makes me sick to my stomache....but what I was recently told by a dear mentor friend of mine is that ultimately, it's not our fault. That is hard to swallow for me, because I feel like I should continue to help her; but what I've just realized is that she doesn't want help. She's not at that place yet. She wants to pretend like she does, only to manipulate, and get what she really wants....to satisfy her addiction. It hurts so much to see someone I love so much be completely taken over by something so evil as addiction. The only comfort that I have is that I know, without a doubt, that Jesus LOVES her as much as he did before she was even born. And I know, without a doubt, that He is carrying her. She just needs to let Him.