Loss

My 9 year old daughter, Drew, lost a classmate last year to leukemia. It was truly devastating to her and many people at their school. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child....I really can't. If I ever let myself go there, I immediately want to return from those thoughts. The loss of Jayla was heartbreaking. Jayla has a little brother and sister, and it so happens that her little sister Jayden is in my little B-Nut's class....KINDERGARTEN. We have been taking Jayden home from school for a while now....just to help out a little. I feel like I've known her forever....she's funny, sweet, and not one bit shy! She loves the twin boys that I keep and Elliot! She can't wait to get into the car and see them each day....even though it's just for a few minutes. I have a soft spot in my heart for her....not only because of what she's lost....but also because she's endearing! Jayden donated marrow for her sister, Jayla, and it wasn't successful. I don't know if Jayden even understands all that happened with that part, but I know that she knows she lost a sister. When the anniversary of Jayla's death came, April 1, I was a little nervous that day when I picked her and Bryna up from school. What would I do if she mentioned it, or cried, or anything? So when she bounced her little self into the car that day and did her usual tickling and "baby talk" with the boys and Elliot, I was relieved. She never mentioned it. I was glad to see that they are moving on. I'm not saying that she didn't realize what happened one year earlier, I'm just saying.....she wasn't dwelling on it. I have to admit that I think I would be dwelling on it. Today I went on a field trip with Bryna's class. We went to the Omni to see a 3-D movie called Bugs....which should have been rated PG-13 due to violence and sexual content....but that's another post all together ;). Anyhoo....while we were eating lunch, Jayden slid over to me and said....."Will you have another baby?" I said, "No honey, I think I probably won't." She said, "My mom wants to have a boy." This was the first time I had heard her mention her mom in all the time I've been taking her home. I said, "Well you already have a brother." She said, "Yes, but my mom really wants another baby; and she wants it to be a boy." A little lump formed in my throat, and I just smiled at her. For the rest of the field trip, I noticed her holding on tightly to the parent's hand that was her chaperone....secretly I was sad that she wasn't in my group. Everytime that mother would let go of her hand, Jayden would seek it out and not let up until she had it in her grasp again. Once the movie was over, and we were waiting our turn to exit; I noticed that she was fast asleep in her seat. Her chaperone said that she had to wake her up twice during the movie. Their teacher, Mrs. Step, looked a little concerned when we were on the bus; and she learned that Jayden slept through most of the movie. I told her that she may get motion sick, and that's why she didn't look so good. I get severely motion sick, so I closed my eyes through a lot of the movie as well. Mrs. Step asked Jayden if her tummy was upset, and she nodded her head yes as she leaned on the window of the bus. Then I watched her.....and as the kids are all laughing and talking with their seat mates....I saw her drifting off to sleep again. I stared at her face with her cheeks jiggling over each bump the bus made, and I couldn't help but think that she looked sad. She was asleep, but to me she looked sad. Before I knew it, I was crying and staring hard out the window; so that none of the other chaperones or the teacher would think I was a nut. I knew that if one of them asked me what was wrong....I would break into uncontrollable sobs....so I just sucked it up and wiped away the tears. As I sat with my little girl snuggled up against me, it hit me hard again....their loss. I realized that even though Jayden and her family are moving on, and even though she's only 5, they still have sad times and days when they miss Jayla so badly that they can't help but be overcome by it. I don't know if that was a day for her today, or if she was just tired or motion sick; but I know that Jayden has lost a lot for a 5 year old little girl. And I know that she has a piece of my heart!