REALIZATION

Last night was the first night, I didn't sit upright in bed.....thinking I had been dreaming....rush to my computer.....only to realize that I was not dreaming, and it was reality. When I sat upright in bed last night, I didn't rush to my computer; I knew I was not dreaming and that it was reality. Over the last few days, I have come to realize many things....some of which are heartbreaking....some of which are joyous....some of which are just reality. Some of the things I've realized about myself are that... I do NOT, in fact, have a high tolerance for pain. I am NOT, in fact, as strong as I originally thought I was. Yes it's true....I birthed 3 babies a-la natural, have been stitched up numerous times without numbing medication, suffered from several broken bones, am currently inundated with rheumatiod arthritis; but still.....I am not that strong. Physically....I may be! Spiritually....I'm definitely getting there! Emotionally....NOPE! I have never asked God "WHY?"....never, never! When my dad died, I never asked. When one of my closest friends lost her baby boys and nearly her own life, never asked....never! When one of my childhood friends was brutally murdered, I never asked....never. I was heartbroken when my dad died. I was beyond devastated when my friend suffered the loss of her baby boys. I was in a lot of turmoil when my friend was murdered; but still I never asked God "WHY?" It wasn't an important question to me then and really it's not an important question to me now, but still I find my mind wandering there. As I am comforted by so many things Pastor Ken said and did, by hugs, by scripture, by kind words, by physically being with others who are grieving; I find myself trying to figure it out....Why would this happen? The simple or complex answer is I DO NOT KNOW! I have been actively trying to stop letting that question seep into my mind and when it is forcing its way in.....I do what I do best....talk out loud to myself by writing it down. Remember I'm sentimental....remember why I journal....remember that I like to remember, so I write it down. Remembering is one of the ways I heal. Remembering takes me back to a dark place and reminds me of the blessings and good that has come from that particular place. Remembering is good for me! It may not be good for you, but it is a good tool for me! A few weeks ago, Ken wrote the following on his daily devotional blog....

1 Peter 3:13-14

"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed."

Suffering is part of life. We would like to escape suffering. We hope that God would remove any suffering that we face. Unfortunately, suffering is part of life. What makes it even worse is that sometimes we suffer when we have done the right thing. But even in the midst of suffering we are blessed. The critical issue becomes where our attention is. Is our attention on the parts of our lives that are difficult? Is our attention on parts of our lives where we are blessed?

My friend, Donna, reminded me of this last night; and oh how I needed that reminder. I am starting to focus on the blessings amidst my suffering....sometimes I have to force myself to do so....but I know soon it will be easier. Peace is starting to seep in, and I'll be honest.....I am not inviting it in. I want to be SAD.....plain and simple! It's all part of grieving...this I know, but I also know that our suffering is our own. We all handle it differently. When my son was diagnosed with autism/fragile X, I decided then that I would choose to be grateful....there are many in the world who suffer more than I; so I decided then that I would not focus on what was "lost" but what was "found"....."blessings in the suffering" if you will. As I type this now and remember that time of diagnosis and those words that Ken wrote just last week, I know I have been blessed by God through the wonderful spiritual father I found in Ken and all the things he taught me about My Savior. It is excrutiating for us all right now to think about moving on without him here, but we are children of GOD; and we know will be guided by The Holy Spirit. We know what we must do....we must find blessings in our suffering.....we must LOOK UP....we must let the peace that only God can provide seep in....we must love one another, support one another, pray for one another....we must continue on with what needs to be done to be the hands and feet of our sweet Jesus....we must remember what Ken would have told us....."the pain now is a result of the happiness then!" And oh were we happy!!!! "Where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord....maker of heaven and earth!" Psalm 121