RESTLESS

I thought I was a selfish person in grief, but I am now thinking that I am just trying to find the good in all of this pain. I have constantly been thinking....how long am I going to have to wait to see the good come out of Ken's death. How long? I have been praying that others have found it....even if it was just a little glimpse....and then I got over myself and started paying attention. NPayne has told me many times this week....."GET AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER!"....but I can't do it. I am gaining so much from reading other people's facebook messages and posts, blog posts, articles, stories, etc. about Ken Diehm. As I have said before, Ken was the best teacher I have ever had; and I want to soak up as much as I can. I've seen that Ken is still teaching me....through what he has done for other people....through things he taught them, said to them, did for them; and I am a sponge soaking it up. Once I started searching.....and seeking.....and listening.....I started seeing the God Moments. I started seeing some things confirmed....some good things. One of those things being, that through all of this turmoil and pain.....through all of this shock and despair.....my restlessness is settling. I've been feeling restless, in limbo, confused, not content for a while now. I had decided that I just wasn't cut out for city life anymore.....not able to deal with all the busyness involved, and I was thinking we should move our family to a small community. I had even been sending NPayne listings of homes. All the while still feeling unsettled and restless. I prayed and asked God to guide me, let me know, is this what I'm suppose to do? What is God's plan for my life? I wasn't sure if I could leave all my family and friends, but they could visit; and we could visit them. I am quite attached to my friends! ;) The biggest question was....Can I leave my church? I had not completely convinced myself that I could do that. Then last week in my Bible study that Ken's wife, Kenda, leads; we were studying John and The Holy Spirit. Kenda posed 2 questions....Where do you find Jesus' peace in your life right now? How does the peace Jesus provides differ from the peace the world provides? When I read those questions, I realized that I had been searching for peace in the world....not in My Savior. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat there and pondered that and thought....Is this my answer? I remember scanning the room and looking at several of the faces of some of my Bible Study companions. I remember thinking I wonder if they are restless, and then I came to Kenda's face; and all I saw was peace. I know she is burdened with things, but the way she handles them.....giving them to God and looking to Him for peace....that's what I need to be doing. I don't need to be uprooting my family to find peace. I need to seek Him diligentley and unceasingly to find peace. Then I thought....I think I have found my answer. Two short days later, Kenda's world was shaken when her wonderful husband....Pastor Ken died unexpectedly and so suddenly. I just keep imagining how her face looked that day....PEACE! Last Saturday, our church family gathered to pray for our Beloved Pastor....while we were gathering he was being greeted by Our Lord And Savior....with open arms! That night and over the last few days, I have never felt so much love from a group of people in my entire life. I know now that I can't leave my church family....I can't leave them. I know now that I will continue to struggle, and I know now that we will never be the same. I know now where to find the peace I've been searching for. I know now that Ken would tell me the same thing that he has told me so many times before.....I believe God's plan for your life is to be in relationship with Him....wherever you are. I have my answer, and I am not restless any longer.